I Can't Believe What I Just Heard

I think my ears are still bleedin' & screamin' for mercy.



I just wasted 3.5 hours of my life -- 3.5 hours that I'll never get back -- listening to the Braves lose to the Phillies in the most heinous fashion: by blowing a 6-run lead and ultimately leaving 8 runners on base.

What I can't figure out is this: Why the F*CK is Blaine Boyer on this team?!?! Why is he & his shiteous 2-6 record wasting space in the majors? Pitiful excuse for a major league pitcher.

The Braves scored 9 runs in the 4th inning and went up 9-3...what happens the following inning? What else -- their pitchers implode and give up 7 runs. Phils win 10-9.

Un.Fucking.Believable.

Sickening. Vomitous. Abominable. Horrid. Repulsive. Dreadful. Loathsome.

I could go on, but you get my point.

Mike Hampton made is first start in 3 years and he took his lumps, sure. But the Braves could've pulled out the win if it weren't for the Braves embarrassing bullpen.

Bobby Cox shoulda just stayed with Hampton and let him work his way out of the bases-loaded-no-out situation in the 5th. I'm sure he coulda done a better job than Royce Ring & Boyer.

By the way, Royce Ring & Blaine Boyer -- get new names! The alliteration ain't cute, it's annoying! Ugh! I digress....

Aside from blowin' that honkin' lead, the Braves had innings 5-9 in which they couldn't push across one runner on base!

I've said several times this season that I don't think the Braves are worth my time. Why do I continue to punish myself by following these losers? They reinvent ways to hand over victories. Seriously. I'm startin' to think they're gettin' paid to *not* win.

If the Braves haven't had a closed door meeting recently, they need one, STAT! I'm pretty sure some asses need to be kicked after today's game...and some asses need to be kicked off this team! Fer realz.

This Is Not A Joke

Click here to read an age-old story that's been retold & retold & retold & retold & re...well, you get the idea.

Fun times.

*yawn*

Umm, Frenchy's Back? Already?

Christmas came early for Jeff Francoeur.



While I'm sure there are thousands of people who are thrilled that Frenchy was recalled from AA Mississippi today, you can't count me as one of those happy revelers.

I have 2 reasons for my thinking, which I'll discuss in a bit.

3 days.

That's it. He was in the minors for 3 effin' days.

What started as a "minimum of 10 days" became 72 hours.

What the hell?!?!

I don't buy what GM Frank Wren's sellin': That he didn't recall Francoeur because of "injuries" sustained by Braves players over the weekend. Where the hell is Brandon Jones?! Why can't he play? Or Josh Anderson?

Francoeur was the ONLY option? And it was the way he was hittin' the cover off the ball in a dozen ABs?

I call bullshit, Frankie!

Don't get me wrong, for the sake of my team, I hope dude rebounds & hits .538 for the remainder of the season in an Atlanta Braves uniform and helps carry this club to the World Series, but I don't see that happenin'. I'd like to believe that he's cured of his shittiness at the plate.

Reason #1 the Kween's not happy: The Golden Child of Atlanta has yet another call go in his favor. Not sayin' he doesn't work hard, but this kid has seemingly had every opportunity handed to him -- he's the Face of the Braves Future. Why not leave him in Mississippi and let him get his groove back? Frank Wren, you're a joke.

And suddenly, Frenchy's "putting aside hard feelings" now that he's gotten the call-up. Hmm. Funny how that happens.



Reason #2 the Kween's not happy: So he went 7-13 in 3 games and hit .538 for the Mississippi Braves. So what?

The dude was sent down because he didn't have a handle on the strike zone, he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn and he was overwhelmed by major league pitching.

And after 3 short days with Phillip Wellman he's completely transformed? Not a chance.

So he "tears up the minor leagues" and all of a sudden, he's back in the bigs? Then why not bring up *every* minor leaguer who gets lucky & hits .500+ in 3 games. Ooh, yea, let's do that!

The revolving doors of Major League Baseball...

Shit, let's call up Reid Gorecki! He's hittin' .429 after goin' 3-7 in 2 games!

Umm, no. That would be riDONKulus and so is this Frenchy decision.

These People Are RiDONKulus

Just a few days ago, Houston Astros pitcher Shawn "Chokeon" Chacon was told to hit the road after he body-slammed his general manager, now the Red Sox's Manny Ramirez is bein' a douche.

Again.

Yawn.

Manny was pissed at the club's traveling secretary, Jack McCormick, because he couldn't get 16 tickets for family members at the last minute. Poor JMc wasn't able to pull 'em outta his ass fast enough, so Manny pushed him to the ground.

JMc is 64 years old!

Senior citizen abuse ain't cute. Just ask Don Zimmer.





Ya know, I'm with this guy.

And this guy -- when IS Boston gonna start kickin' Manny's ass?! For God's sake, it's not like HE'S real worried about hurtin' anybody's feelings. He seems to be able to get away with whatever the hell he wants to; can do whatever the hell he wants to.

Ken Rosenthal has a point...it's time for the Red Sox to take out the trash next season. Let this bitch go.

Watch! The Braves'll sign him! HA!

They need a "slugger" in the lineup & Manny's slugged a myriad of folks this season.

Bein' A GM In The Major Leagues Is Bad For Your Health

If you thought bein' an MLB home plate umpire was a dangerous job, try bein' a general manager.

Yesterday, Ed Wade, GM of the Houston Astros, was *choked* by pitcher Shawn Chacon following a heated exchange between the two men in the dining room before Houston's game against Texas. Mmm, boy -- nothin' gets me fired up like buffet style green beans!

Chacon has been suspended indefinitely (duh!).

The Houston Chronicle reports: "According to Chacon, he was in the dining room after batting practice when (manager Cecil) Cooper asked him to come to his office.

"I said, 'What do you want to speak to me about?' " Chacon said. "He said, 'We just want to talk to you.' I said, 'Anything you can say, you can say to me right here. I don't want to go to the office.' He looked at me, and I said, 'There's nothing for me to say to you guys.' And I don't think whatever they had to say to me they were going to make me happy. I didn't want to get in a closed-room conversation."

"I sat down to eat, and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, 'You need to come with me to the office.' I said, 'For what? I don't want to go to the office with you and Cooper.' And I said, 'You can tell me whatever you've got to tell me right here.' He's like, 'Oh, you want me to tell you right here?' And I said, 'Yeah.' I'm not yelling. I'm calm."

It deteriorated quickly afterward, according to Chacon.

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there, and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling at me. Then I stood up and said, 'You better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool, and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him, because at that point I wanted to beat his (behind). Words were exchanged."

Words were exchanged? Umm, pretty sure that's an understatement, Shawn Chokeon!

The Choke Artist is pissed that he was demoted from starter to relief pitcher over the weekend. By the way, the numbers from his last start, June 19, look like this: 5.0 IP, 8 H, 6 R, 6 ER, 2 HR, 4 BB, 0 SO.

He ain't all that outstandin' anyway. Career 45-61 record & 5.0 ERA. Meh.

Here's my point: When your general manager (it's the GM, not the towel boy!) asks to speak with you, YOU. DO. IT! Period. No questions asked. He has a *lot* to do with your $2 million dollar paycheck, dude.

You don't jump up and Latrell Sprewell his ass! Dayum!

GMs of the future, beware. I guess ya just never know which player's gonna snap and go for the jugular.

Homegirl Said *What*?

What the hell is newly-appointed New York Mets skipper Jerry Manuel talkin' about?! I don't even think *he* knows.



The New York Post reports: "Asked how the struggling (Aaron) Heilman was holding up under constant booing at Shea this year, Manuel said, 'It's very, very fertile ground for growth in Shea Stadium. It's fertile ground for a team's growth and development. Sometimes, fertile ground has fertilizer.' ...'Fertilizer is a good thing,' Manuel said before the Mets' afternoon contest against the (Colorado) Rockies. 'It's a good thing. You get the greatest results — get the most beautiful plants — when you put it in that type of fertile soil. That's what we have the opportunity to do.'

Manuel, who will make his first appearance at Shea Stadium as manager of the Mets Monday against (the) Seattle (Mariners), pleaded with reporters before and after the fertilizer reference not to blow it out of proportion or do 'something crazy with this'."

You are crazy, Jer-Bear! And it gets better, folks.

"Shortstop Jose Reyes was the target of Manuel's first colorful outburst this week. After Reyes threw a helmet-throwing tantrum last Tuesday night in Manuel's debut when Manuel pulled him in the first inning with a tight hamstring, Manuel jokingly threatened to knife Reyes if it happened again.

'I told him the next time he does that, I'm going to get my blade out and cut him right on the field,' Manuel said. 'I'm a gangster.' ... 'She acted up with me, and she had a day off,' Manuel said of Reyes."


(well, she *is* kinda pretty...m'just sayin')

Umm, sounds like pepaw needs some warm Ovaltine and a long nap.

He needs to keep his pie-hole shut and spend more energy tryin' to figure out what he's gonna do with this .500 ballclub. Incidentally, the wacky Manuel is 3-2 since taking over for the disgraced Willie Randolph on June 17.

IMO, it's the Mets front office that's the disgrace, but that's neither here nor there. They didn't consult me before they made the decision to give ol' Willie the heave-ho.

Larry Birkhead Is A Freak

Larry Birkhead, Anna Nicole Smith's baby-daddy, purchased lingerie items previously worn by crackie in Playboy spreads.

The pink bustier and white negligee went for a total of $2,800 at a celebrity auction held at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino on the Las Vegas Strip yesterday.

According to the AP: "Birkhead said he is trying to make sure his 1-year-old daughter, Dannielynn, has something to remember her mother by.

"I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about," Birkhead told The Associated Press. "Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career."

By history he means lies & fabrications about most aspects of big momma's life.

Um, OK. So if he's lookin' to dig up 'memories' of crackie, why not just show Dannielynn the Playboy pics?? Explain to baby girl that mommy used to take her clothes off and woller around in front of the camera for money.

See, he coulda saved himself almost $3,000 if he'd just done what I suggested...

Weirdo!

Huh?!

We got bitch-slapped by the Mariners tonight.

The Seattle. Fuckin'. Mariners.

The 26-47 Mariners.

Un-fuckin'-believable!


And Campy seemed to be doin' so well in the early innings!




I have no words.


Ugh!!!!

If You Care...

According to unnamed "sources" close to the Boston Red Sox, the lover's quarrel in the dugout between Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youkilis on Thursday night was due to this:

"It all happened because Manny complained about Youkilis' habit of throwing bats, helmets and other objects in the dugout when he has a bad at-bat, something that has become a constant practice," the source said.

"Other players have told Youkilis in the past about the situation, which makes him look selfish and that he is more worried about each at-bat than about the team. If Boston is winning easily, there's no reason to throw objects all over the dugout because of a bad at-bat.

"There was a meeting where the team let Youkilis know that many of his teammates were tired of his explosive reactions for each bad plate appearance. It became very bothersome … more so when the team is winning and it's in first place. There's not much room for individualistic attitudes."

So Youk is a whiney baby? That's it? That's why you took a swipe at your teammate, Manny? Seriously? Whatever.

I'm sayin', if Youk wants to throw bats, throw bases or throw babies, he should be able to do that without anybody else buttin' in. Well, maybe not that throwin' babies thing, but you get the picture...

For Gawd's sake, Manny goes through the left-field wall at Fenway Park and uses the bathroom between innings. He high-5s the outfield fans at visiting ballparks. He skips team meetings. He demands to be traded. He threatens to hold out on his contract negotiations. He falls alseep on the job. He's basically the biggest "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!" whore on that whole damn club, and he's got the balls to yell at Youkilis for bein' "individualistic" by throwin' helmets?

Laughable.

Why am I still writin' about this twat?

Manny-Youkilis Squabble

What is goin' *on* with these ladies!?!?

The Boston Red Sox are duking it out with the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. They're duking it out with each other. Hell, even the Sox announcers are throwin' 'bows!

Can't we all get along?



The full story of what brought about the fisticuffs between Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youkilis has yet to be aired, but these girls all need to learn to keep their damn hands to themselves.

So is this latest scuffle "Manny Being Manny" or is he just bein' a bitch?

Ya Just Can't Make This Up

Some crazy 15-year-old boy in Georgia was charged with four counts of sexual battery for biting or grabbing the buttocks of at least 10 women at the Lovejoy Wal-Mart, and more charges are expected.

"(Police Capt. Greg) Dickens said complaints of rear-end assaults at the store began in August and continued throughout May."

He was recognized & confronted by an ass-bitin' victim who saw him walkin' with relatives.

Could you *imagine*?!?!?!

"Uh, yea, I was tryin' me on some White Stag slacks o'vr'der in the big girl's section and yo' nephew her' jumped out 'da rack & bit my ass! Dayum!"

I'm pretty sure it was one'a these twats below. They look like the ample-butt-bitin' types. Shit, they'll give *anybody* a camera phone these days.




Although these pre-pubescent tools are questionable...I'm thinkin' they shoulda been in the men's Wrangler department. Pre-Brett Favre Wranglers, that is.

His ass is MINE!



I am offended! I have a big, juicy ass AND I was born in a Wal-Mart. I think somebody needs to change The Constitution or somethin'! My Rights have been violated in some way, shape or form....I'm just sure of it!

I'm gonna sue some teenage douche! SUE! SUE! I'M SUIN'!!!!

How Do You Say "NASTY!!!!" In Greek?

OMG!

A 9-year old girl in Athens, Greece, went to the hospital with severe stomach pains and it turns out...she was carrying the embryo of her twin in there!

NAST!!!!



Says the story: "Andreas Markou, head of the hospital's pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.

Markou said cases where one of a set of twins absorbs the other in the womb occurs in one of 500,000 live births."

So is that, like, a parasitic twin? Conjoined twins? Siamese twins? Hell, I don't know.

Kinda sad. But still "ewwww"-inducing.

Reminds me of that scene in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Professor Quirrell unwraps his head, turns around, and there's Voldemort's maggoty lookin' face! Gross!!

Anyhoobs, let's take a trip down memory lane and visit Lori & Dori/Reba/George Schappell, the oldest living conjoined twins in the world. Dori changed her name to Reba, then last year, she changed it to George. Ummm, whatever.

Muy caliente!!




Funny, she's got Amy Winehouse face.

Call A Tugboat, Bitches!

Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested last night in Texas for "boating while intoxicated" and resisting arrest.

Homegirl got his ass squirted with pepper spray by the popos, too!! Dayum!

"When Benson did not pass the test, he presented himself as a threat to the officer and argued about whether or not he would be taken to land to have a follow-up field sobriety test performed on land and refused to put on a life jacket," the authority said in a statement.

The officer had to use pepper spray to subdue Benson. He then refused to leave the officer's boat and authorities had to drag him to a car to be taken to the Travis County jail, the authority said.

When are these bitches gonna learn? Benson shoulda called Roscoe Parrish for a ride home!

You shouldn't drink & drive OR drink & boat!

Still Another Rocket Scandal

So Roger Clemens couldn't keep the needle outta his ass OR his winky in his pants!

If Debbie wasn't beatin' Rog's ass over this little morsel from a few days ago, she probably will be after this one!

Mindy McCready may not have been the only whore in The Rocket's life. A new report has surfaced alleging that he also "had a relationship" with John Daly's ex-wife, Paulette Dean Daly.


(Paulette Daly with trophy husband, John)

I'm sure Clemens looked like quite the gem after you'd been married to this no-shirt-wearin', bare-footed, beer-bellied, chain-smokin' hillbilly slob.



(Mostest awesomest golf news clip. Ever!)

But I must admit ('cause I'm a hillbilly, too) that his hat's pretty damn hot! GO HOGS!

And what the hell is cutie-pie news dude talkin' about, "this is an unbelievably gorgeous course"?!?! He must've already had his beer goggles on. Had he been hittin' the sauce a little too early in the day? Fairways at Daly's Murder Rock Golf Club in Branson, MO, look like the damn Arizona desert! I think I saw a prickly cactus.

If baby thinks that course is sexy, he should get a load'a me at Hank's Honky Tonk at 1:30 a.m. on a Wednesday. He'll be wantin' to marry a bitch!

I've always liked John Daly. Wanna know why? Homegirl just Don't. Give. A. Fuck. He's like "Yea, I'm backwoods. So what? Yea, I'm big-boned. So what? Yea, I'm a boozehound. So what? Eff you." I like that in a man.

Way hotter than Roger Freakin' Clemens! That pussy.

"Don't underestimate the fat man." -- "Golfer" John Daly, 2008

Oh, and a big "howdy, pard'ner" to Johnny Lee hittin' the links in that vid!

Another Rocket Scandal

Roger Clemens had a 10-year affair with certifiable country music "star" Mindy McCready!

Oh snap! Debbie ain't gonna like this...she's prolly beatin' Rog's ass AS. WE. SPEAK!

According to reports, The Rocket & The Psycho began their illicit relationship when he was 28-years-old and she was only 15! (Miley, are you listenin'?!?!) The two met at a karaoke bar. Oooh, classy.

The inevitable "multiple sources" knew of the alleged affair that carried on when Clemens pitched for the Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, New York Yankees & Houston Astros.

Dayum, girl! You kept him comin' back through 4 teams?! You must have gold coins fallin' outta that shit!

Rog is suing former trainer Brian McNamee for defamation ('member his interview with crypt keeper Mike Wallace that aired back in January?). Well, McNamee & team thinks that if you claim you've been "defamed" by someone and that you have a spotless reputation, "anything is fair game", so they're lashin' back at The Rocket for his philandering.




The Debster knew McCready and was aware that the "singer" had flown on Rog's plane. Wha??? How you gonna let a trashy tramp like Mindy McCready fly on your husband's plane, without you bein' there to piss on his leg & mark your territory??



(Wonder what Dean Cain thinks about this hot mess...?)

McCready has a 2-year-old son, Zander Ryan. I'm sayin' DNA TEST! DNA TEST! SWAB IT UP, BITCHES!! TEST THAT SHIT OUT! IT'S ROGER'S 5TH SON!

Oh yea, by the way.........how's that "private sector" treatin' ya, Rog!?




And since I'm bitchin', why don't we work on cleanin' up this little mess.

Just Another Saturday Night For Me

Those silly, back-stabbin' Russians.


(Mikhail Baryshnikov, Russian ballet dancer, not associated with this story whatsoever, but he's the only Russian I know.)

Some dude got shit-faced, argued with his drinkin' buddy, passed out, was stabbed by said drinkin' buddy at the factory where they worked, rode the bus home, ate a honkin' breakfast, then passed out (again) with the knife still buried in his back.

Wha???!?!?!?! Does the factory know these booze hounds were imbibing while OTJ?

Oh, what am I sayin'? They probably work at the STOLI factory. Errbody's slobberin' drunk, everyday of the week.

Besides, bein'-stabbed-with-a-knife-then-passin'-out-totally-unawares...that's kid stuff! That's happened to me too many times to count.

That is some serious shit. Those Russians don't fuck around.

The Atlanta Braves Will Sign This Kid Next Season, You Watch

TOKYO -- A Japanese high school pleaded for a regional game to be abandoned after surrendering 66 runs in less than two innings, local media reported on Thursday.


The coach of Kawamoto technical high school threw in the towel to spare his pitcher’s arm with his team losing 66-0 with just one batter out in the bottom of the second.


The hapless hurler had already sent down over 250 pitches, allowing 26 runs in the first inning and 40 in the second before Kawamoto asked for mercy.


“At that pace the pitcher would have thrown around 500 pitches in four innings,” Kawamoto’s coach was quoted as saying. “There was a danger he could get injured.” (blogger's note: Gee, what gave it away?)


Opponents Shunshukan were officially credited with a 9-0 victory, giving the scoreline a tinge of respectability for the luckless Kawamoto school.


How's *that* for an ERA! Don't feel so bad, Chuck James (2008 ERA = 18.00...he's currently in the minors).

Umm, yea, I'm sure Frank Wren, Bravos GM, was on the horn with Japan this mornin' upon catchin' wind of this.

sigh

Somebody Tell Me Why This Is News?

Apparently, when Miguel Tejada was signed by the Oakland A's back in 1993 out of the Dominican Republic, he told folks he was only 17 years old.

But due to the stellar "journalism" of ESPN's E:60, it's been uncovered that Tejada LIED about his age and took off a coupla years when he was first comin' up! Gasp!

Why is this even an issue?

Below is a clip of Tejada's reaction when the "journalist" known as Tom Farrey ambushed him in an interview and threw the real birth certificate in his face.

This bitch came at him like Chris Hansen from "To Catch a Predator". Gimme a break! He's a shortstop, not a child toucher! And it's Miguel Tejada, not Ted Williams.

MT wasn't havin' none of it. Ho took off his mic and walked off the set.



MT (now with the Houston Astros) was allegedly born on the 25th of May in 1974, not 1976 as he had first claimed, which would make him 34, not 32.

I call "who gives a fuck?!" on this one. Who cares?!?!?! If he's 34 or 32, his prime career days are behind him. And if they're not, I can hear 'em fast approachin'. TRUST!

And just for shits & giggles, let's all enjoy this jewel from Mr. Hot Piece himself, Chris Hansen:



Cigarettes, gas & sex...I can tell ya, 2 of those things are hella expensive and detrimental to my survival. I'll let you decide which 2. Prolly ain't what ya think........

And Mr. Beautiful on Jimmy Kimmel Live last year:

(part 1)


(part 2)


For the love of everything Holy, don't ask me how we got from Miguel Tejada's faux age to wannabe child molesters -- the two are not connected in any way. But I guess that's just how my brain works.

Braves Release Spiezio

The Atlanta Braves released Scott Spiezio yesterday after he arrived at the AAA Richmond Braves game "unprepared to play".

"We had an agreement with Scott," Braves GM Frank Wren said. "There were three things we asked him to do: No. 1 is to continue his aftercare, which included testing, No. 2, that he attend AA [meetings] and No. 3 he would show up at the park every day ready to play. And yesterday he was not ready to play."

HUH?!?! I need more information about this!!

Unprepared to play? Did he forget his glove? Was he wearin' a tutu? Did he have a broken limb? Was he high? Drunk? I need details, people!!!

For Scott's sake, I hope he continues to get the off-field help he needs. Get well!

(But because I'm a nosey bitch, I still wanna hear the whole story......)



That's one tacky ass tattoo right there! That ho is all kinds of busted in the face. I'll let you decide which one I'm talkin' about.

Another Idiot In The Braves Organization

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Kick his ass to the curb, it is a must!

Ooh, ooh! Or how 'bout:

Roses are red, violets are blue
How many criminals can one team keep on its payroll?

Ok, enough with that mess.

The idiot in question here is 21-year-old Braves prospect Jordan Schafer. He tested positive for human growth hormone (HGH) and has been suspended for 50 games by the office of the commish, Bud Selig.




What a fuckin' dickhead! Here's this kid with every opportunity in the world, playin' for an organization in which other youngsters would *kill* to play, and he goes & fucks himself by purposely, KNOWINGLY usin' steroids.

This shit just pisses me off. Wonder *how* Schafer managed to move from No. 27 in the Braves ranks to No. 1...? Hmmm, lemme think.

And when MLB lets him back in the hallowed halls (cuz you know it will...), what message does that send to fans (and children)?!

I don't want his lyin', cheatin', stank ass on my team!

It's time this sport -- the greatest sport on earth -- gets some big fuckin' balls and says "Enough's enough!" already.

Pisses. Me. Off.