I'm A Fan!

I found this foolio on the ajc message boards and two days in a row, he's posted *the* most inspirational song lyrics.

Because of this ho, I feel like I can go on. Seriously.

I hope P. Rose posts new ditties every day until spring training '09!


By P. Rose
July 29 2:51 p.m., to the tune of Nirvana's "Teen Spirit":

Smells Like Team Quit It
Load up young guns
Please, Frank Wren!
It sucks to lose and rarely win
This team is lower than a turd
(I know, I know a dirty word)
Hello, hello - HOW LOW??
Without Chipper, we’re less dangerous
Let the tool race entertain us
Ticket prices are outrageous
Let the big cow entertain us
Gregor Blanco? A mosquito!
Martin Prado? No libido! Yeah!
It’s good to get this off my chest
And for this blog I feel blessed
Our little team has always been
Contenders up until the end
Hello, hello - HOW LOW??
Without Hudson, we’re less dangerous
Let the kiss cam entertain us
Cause the beer price is outrageous
Let the cap thing entertain us
Gregor Blanco? Too petite-o!
Martin Prado? Bean Burrito! Yeah!
And I forget just why I came
A parking place is hard to find
Unless I want to walk a mile
Oh well, whatever, nevermind
Hello, hello - HOW LOW??
With Mike Hampton, we’re less dangerous
Let the tool race entertain us
And the losing is contagious
Let the big cow entertain us
Gregor Blanco? Holy sheet-o!
Martin Prado? We concede-o!
In denial! In denial! In denial!


By P. Rose
July 30 11:20 a.m., to the tune of The Beatles (or Boyz II Men, dependin' on yer musical style) "Yesterday":

Yesterday by Angels general manager Tony Reagins
Yesterday Mark Teixeira seemed so far away
Now it looks as though he’s here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday
Suddenly The Braves ain’t half the team they used to be
They’re so wussy now they sit to pee
Oh I believe in yesterday
Why they have to blow I don’t know, they wouldn’t say
They’re screwed up the shaft ‘specially after yesterday
Yesterday Mark Teixeira seemed so far away
Then Atlanta gave their balls away
Oh I believe in yesterday
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

VIVE LE P. ROSE!!!

Admit it, he gets points for creativity and for tryin' to find funny in this club's heinous season.

Cougars 4 Cook

Ok, so I didn't vote for David "Hot Lips" Cook 473 times after last Tuesday's American Idol finale -- in fact, I never voted once this year...for anybody -- and I'm not a 40-something suburban soccer-mom, but it's obvious now that Fly Honey's fan base wasn't of the 15-year-old female persuasion.



"Cougars 4 Cook" had my future ex-husband's voting line on speed-dial, propelling him to victory by 12+ million votes over David "Zygote" Archuleta.


The AP writes: "Maybe it's his edgy-yet-mainstream appeal, sly grin, sparkling hazel eyes, facial scruff, love for crossword puzzles, love for his mom and brothers. Or perhaps it's the way he broke down in tears after his final performance..."


See, I'm not the only wrinkled old bag who's hot for his jock and his crossword puzzles.


He's just got that...thang about him. Ya know, that thang!


But it kinda makes me wonder, where were all the Cougars when Chris Daughtry got the boot a few years ago? Wasn't he supposed to be, like, *the* hottest? Don't get me wrong, Daughtry's done pretty damn well for himself since Idol, but I was kinda surprised that he didn't go further in the competition.


Oh well. I guess the Cougars just know what they like. And they luuurve Hot Lips.


Sigh.......Idol's over. Survivor's over. Grey's Anatomy's over. Brothers & Sisters is over.


If it weren't for baseball season to get me through the next four months, I would need therapy. Television therapy.


Side note: As of Memorial Day 2008, the Atlanta Braves are 27-23 & 2.5 games out of 1st.

David Cook Is Sensitive

C'Mon Hot Lips!

I feel like dog barf. Probably look like it, too. Seriously.

You know it's bad when I don't feel like bloggin'...I always got shit to say.

I don't even feel like talkin' about my future-ex-husband, David "Hot Lips" Cook, possibly losing on the American Idol finale tonight.



You know David "Zygote" Archuleta's gonna take the crown. But that's fine with me...it's almost better if you *don't* win that shit. The runners-up seem to have more success than the winners.

And like I've said, I'll be the warm vagina, I mean, um, *shoulder*, that Hot Lips can cry on when the ballons & confetti come rainin' down on Zygote's head instead of his own.

Just An Observation

I told y'all bitches that attendance would climb with "David Cook Day" in Kansas City.

Attendance for the Royals' game on May 8 = 11,000
Attendance for David Cook Day on May 9th = 22,000

See, them MLB marketing hos know what they're doin'. When you book my future ex-husband, he makes magic happen.

Too bad he can't hit the road with my Braves to help with their many, many away-from-home woes. Sigh.

Ok, so the hot piece ain't a miracle worker.....the Royals lost 7-4 to the Baltimore Orioles on David Cook Day. :-(

That's alright. He's still got a warm bed waitin' for him in Michigan.

How Do You Say "NASTY!!!!" In Greek?

OMG!

A 9-year old girl in Athens, Greece, went to the hospital with severe stomach pains and it turns out...she was carrying the embryo of her twin in there!

NAST!!!!



Says the story: "Andreas Markou, head of the hospital's pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.

Markou said cases where one of a set of twins absorbs the other in the womb occurs in one of 500,000 live births."

So is that, like, a parasitic twin? Conjoined twins? Siamese twins? Hell, I don't know.

Kinda sad. But still "ewwww"-inducing.

Reminds me of that scene in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Professor Quirrell unwraps his head, turns around, and there's Voldemort's maggoty lookin' face! Gross!!

Anyhoobs, let's take a trip down memory lane and visit Lori & Dori/Reba/George Schappell, the oldest living conjoined twins in the world. Dori changed her name to Reba, then last year, she changed it to George. Ummm, whatever.

Muy caliente!!




Funny, she's got Amy Winehouse face.

Putting Butts In Seats

The Kansas City Royals organization knows how to milk the hell out of a cash cow, and I love it.



Future American Idol 7 winner, and my future 2nd husband (yea, I said it), David Cook, will be the "guest of honor" at the May 9 Baltimore Orioles/Royals game at Kauffman Stadium.

But here's the catch: He has to live through the next round of voting and land in the top 3 for his Big Day to become reality. Umm, I don't think that'll be a problem, do you?

The Blue Springs, MO, native will get to throw out the first pitch, sing "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" during the stretch, and take part in play-by-play in the broadcast booth for a hot minute.

I guess when your stadium capacity is 40,785 but you only averaged 19,961 last season, you gotta do somethin' to get the American public to show up for your games. Me thinks havin' the hottest contestant on the biggest TV show makin' an appearance will put the asses in the seats.



And for shits & giggles, let's take a look at my man Elliott Yamin when he had his moment of glory at a gutter-butt Richmond Braves game a coupla years ago. Love him!!

Still Another Rocket Scandal

So Roger Clemens couldn't keep the needle outta his ass OR his winky in his pants!

If Debbie wasn't beatin' Rog's ass over this little morsel from a few days ago, she probably will be after this one!

Mindy McCready may not have been the only whore in The Rocket's life. A new report has surfaced alleging that he also "had a relationship" with John Daly's ex-wife, Paulette Dean Daly.


(Paulette Daly with trophy husband, John)

I'm sure Clemens looked like quite the gem after you'd been married to this no-shirt-wearin', bare-footed, beer-bellied, chain-smokin' hillbilly slob.



(Mostest awesomest golf news clip. Ever!)

But I must admit ('cause I'm a hillbilly, too) that his hat's pretty damn hot! GO HOGS!

And what the hell is cutie-pie news dude talkin' about, "this is an unbelievably gorgeous course"?!?! He must've already had his beer goggles on. Had he been hittin' the sauce a little too early in the day? Fairways at Daly's Murder Rock Golf Club in Branson, MO, look like the damn Arizona desert! I think I saw a prickly cactus.

If baby thinks that course is sexy, he should get a load'a me at Hank's Honky Tonk at 1:30 a.m. on a Wednesday. He'll be wantin' to marry a bitch!

I've always liked John Daly. Wanna know why? Homegirl just Don't. Give. A. Fuck. He's like "Yea, I'm backwoods. So what? Yea, I'm big-boned. So what? Yea, I'm a boozehound. So what? Eff you." I like that in a man.

Way hotter than Roger Freakin' Clemens! That pussy.

"Don't underestimate the fat man." -- "Golfer" John Daly, 2008

Oh, and a big "howdy, pard'ner" to Johnny Lee hittin' the links in that vid!

What Else Can I Say About Dude?

Y'all know I have this unhealthy obsession with my boy Lil' Wayne, and this video ain't doin' me no favors:




What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!?!

I can't help it!

I Still. Love. Weezy!

I'd lick the wrapper...And I can't apologize for that.

Another Rocket Scandal

Roger Clemens had a 10-year affair with certifiable country music "star" Mindy McCready!

Oh snap! Debbie ain't gonna like this...she's prolly beatin' Rog's ass AS. WE. SPEAK!

According to reports, The Rocket & The Psycho began their illicit relationship when he was 28-years-old and she was only 15! (Miley, are you listenin'?!?!) The two met at a karaoke bar. Oooh, classy.

The inevitable "multiple sources" knew of the alleged affair that carried on when Clemens pitched for the Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, New York Yankees & Houston Astros.

Dayum, girl! You kept him comin' back through 4 teams?! You must have gold coins fallin' outta that shit!

Rog is suing former trainer Brian McNamee for defamation ('member his interview with crypt keeper Mike Wallace that aired back in January?). Well, McNamee & team thinks that if you claim you've been "defamed" by someone and that you have a spotless reputation, "anything is fair game", so they're lashin' back at The Rocket for his philandering.




The Debster knew McCready and was aware that the "singer" had flown on Rog's plane. Wha??? How you gonna let a trashy tramp like Mindy McCready fly on your husband's plane, without you bein' there to piss on his leg & mark your territory??



(Wonder what Dean Cain thinks about this hot mess...?)

McCready has a 2-year-old son, Zander Ryan. I'm sayin' DNA TEST! DNA TEST! SWAB IT UP, BITCHES!! TEST THAT SHIT OUT! IT'S ROGER'S 5TH SON!

Oh yea, by the way.........how's that "private sector" treatin' ya, Rog!?




And since I'm bitchin', why don't we work on cleanin' up this little mess.

Beyonce & Jay-Z Goin' To The Chapel

B & Jay are gettin' hitched!

The mega-moguls (music/clothing/production/film/club owners/basketball fans/professional fishermen/chicken farmers/Amish furniture makers/whateverthehellelsethese2dotomakebillions) filed a license for marriage on Tuesday in New York, and they have 60 days in which to put it to good use.



Felicidades!

***Commence the wedding/reception to rival that of Mr. Donald Trump in terms of DOLLAS!***

R.I.P. Elliott's Momma

The unfortch "Taylor Hicks" season of American Idol was the first one I'd ever watched and I wanted Elliott Yamin to win sooooooo bad! I LOVE that dude!!

Elliott's mom, Claudette Yamin, passed away on Monday at a hospital in Virginia. She was 65 years old. The cause of death thusfar has not been disclosed.

She seemed like a wonderful person. Very supportive mom, and as a mom myself, I got mad love for her!

Hugs to you, Elliott.

Hot Tub Full O' Herp & Some Chick Wearin' A Flag

Since I've been outta the loop for a while, I did miss the news of Matt Leinart & Nick Lachey(!?) boozin' & sluttin' it up with some dirrty skeezers in Arizona.


Hey, I ain't hatin'!!!


(WTF is that chicky poo with NL wearin'?!? What country is that from?!)

It's the off-season, Matt. I say make as many bastard babies as you can, dude!

And as for Nick....well, he's just happy he's gettin' press. Whatever it takes, I guess.

Spring Training, Here I Come!

I want to apologize for being so lax with the postin' this week. A million & one things to do.

I'm tryin' to wrap shit up at work, make my packin' list for the trip, stay on top of the Spawn to get his homework finished/turned in (his little mind is also startin' to drift towards warm, sunny Florida so I can't blame him...), get my Wally World shoppin' list straight, hit the tanning salon regularly (which I absolutely abhor), blah blah blah.

Oh, and while I'm keepin' all those balls in the air (teehee), I'm also tryin' to avoid gettin' the fuckin' Black Plague that seems to have the entire country in its gnarled death grip!

These bitches up in here BET NOT give me their SARS right before I leave for a 2-week trip! I've been sick while on vacay before and shit ain't cute. Trust!

I'm really hopin' I'll get to post while I'm down there, but it's lookin' pretty slim. Get this shit: our resort doesn't have wireless in the buildings! They say we can spend $25/week ($50 total!)to use the WiFi in the main lobby (like, out in the open, in front of Jesus & er'body!), or we have to use the dial up.

Dial up?! What the hell is that?! That's like, soooo 1990s! Sheesh! And besides, Momma needs her privacy!

Anyhoo, here are a few random tidbits from the mind of the Kween:

• Mike Hampton's back on the mound (simulation only)
• I'll be the crazy bitch at the Braves game on March 20. I apologize for anything that may or may not happen while I'm in attendance
• I've upped my usual fantasy baseball leagues from 1 to 3 (I'm sure I'll suck in all 3 and embarrass myself, as per usual)
• Christian "Ferocia Coutura" Siriano is our new Project Runway winner
• American Idol is pretty spiffy this season (although David "Gay Stripper Hotness" Hernandez just got the boot! What the...?! Who the fuck is votin' for Kristy Lee Cook? Go play with your PS2s (or *yourselves*) you horny 15-year-old boys! My new obsession is Jason Castro anyway....)
• Brit Brit's all "normal" & shit now -- bah, BORING!
• Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson are "canoodling" onset. zzzzzzzzz
• The Yankees & Devil Rays are already kickin' the shit out of each other (literally) and throwin' 'bows. Love the dramz! Oh, and how *key-yute* is Jonny Gomes!?!?!
• Fuggie Fug & Josh Duhamel are still engaged, I guess. Crap.
• And for all you pervy people all over the world who find your way to the Kastle by way of a "Jeremy Roloff hot" Google search, here he is. And, I'm not certain, but there may be a coupla Jonas Brothers in that photo, too:
  
  
  

P.S. -- Stay strong, Papa! Love you!

Randy Jackson Is Dumb

This man is in the music business (allegedly), so he should've *known* that Kristy Lee Cook's version of Journey's "Faithfully" WAS a country song -- Lorrie Morgan did it back in the day. And KILLED it.

After Kristy performed the song on tonight's American Idol show, Randy said somethin' like "I loved that country twist. That could be a country song." DUH!

Miz Morgan BLEW. IT. UP. forever ago so it ain't like that classic hasn't been recorded in a country twang. Dayum DAWG, I thought you knew!

When I was in junior high, I was such a country music fan (yea, I know). One night, I caught Lorrie performin' a live show on TV. I taped it and watched the hell out of it!

That was the first time I saw her do Faithfully and it stayed with me. I didn't realized that she had actually put it on her Something In Red album in 1991, although I liked the live version better than the studio version. (I still say her Leave the Light On album was the best she's ever done.)

Anyhoo, dumb-dumb Randy carried on like it was the first time he'd heard Faithfully done in a country fashion -- and Kristy just went with it. You KNOW her stoopid ass was thinkin' "Who's Steve Perry? I was doin' the Lorrie Morgan version from the beginnin'!"

But then again, this is the same man who thought Michael Johns sounded like Michael Hutchence after Johns' performance of "Don't You (Forget About Me)" from Simple Minds on Tuesday night. I thought Hutchence was the INXS dude that offed himself eons ago! When did he sing lead for Simple Minds?

Personally, I'm thinkin' Johns sounds too much like Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam. But that's just my ear talkin'.

It might be time for Randy to hang up his Dawg Pound. Dude's losin' it.

And here's one of my faves from Miz Morgan, totally rockin' the cockatoo do, banana clip & Princeton sweatshirt.

Oh, and 'member back when she was robbin' Troy Aikman's cradle? haha!

That Don't Look Natural

The other day, I posted about how the world can't seem to get enough of Christina Aguilera's post-pregger boobies. My point was, "What's the big damn deal?"

Here she is takin' her puppies out for a walk, and in lookin' at her assets in the photo below, you'll notice two things:

1) Her shits are wonky
2) She got more blue veins than Estelle Getty



Now, as I've stated before, I've given birth (through the hoo-ha, thank you very much -- no C-Section cheatin' goin' on down there), and I've breastfed, so I can say this to you, Christina, mother to mother: Honey, please put 'em away 'til they're ready to be seen in public. When your chesticles look like a road map, they just ain't ready.

Those milk ducts are pushin' the implants hither & yon. Or vice versa.

That is not a breast shape found in nature. That shit looks painful!

Stop The Presses! Christina Aguilera Has Big Boobs!

What is the big freakin' deal about Xtina's boobage? She just had a baby for cryin' outloud!



Post after post after post after post after post of folks talkin' 'bout her cleavage. Yes, we know. Get over it already.

She had big fakes ones *before* she got preggers, so what do you expect now?

I've got big hoots, too, and you don't see me talkin' about 'em all the time. They were nice to have back in the day, but once those suckers became a food source, not so much.

So can we now all move on from her lactation stations and discuss somethin' else?

R.I.P. Mr. Wahlberg

Donald E. Wahlberg, father of Mark & Donnie Wahlberg, passed away on Valentine's Day.

How sad!

Super Bowl Experience Thusfar....

We're about 11 minutes into the 3rd quarter of the big dance and, so far, it's been an OK game. At least Eli's not gettin' blown out. Boo, Brady, Boo!!

And of course they've already shown Jiz in the suite, cheerin' on her butt boy. And Jim Carey & Jenny McCarthy in their suite. And Pambo Anderson in her suite. Why the hell is she there? Did she take her boys to the game, too? Where the hell are her boys? Someone should issue an Amber Alert for Dylan & Brandon Lee, for realz!

I didn't care for the half-time show. Tom freakin' Petty & the freakin' Heartbreakers?! Gimme a break! Was Jesus busy tonight? I mean, Tom's about the same age as Jesus, right?

I coulda watched that shit on Vh1 Classic.

Anyhoobs, a few of the commercials are pretty entertaining. I loved the Thrillicious dancin' lizards. I rewound my TiVo a few times to watch that crazy shit over & over. I loved the one who farted fire! No, not Naomi Campbell, that hot-ass lizard. That was funny shit.



At least I get to occasionally see my lover, Joe Buck. Mmmmm. Love that hot piece!

He was in a Pepsi Max commercial for a minute:



I'm off to watch more game action & mediocre commercials.

More later....peas out!

What Is The Deal With These Fools?

Maybe it's because I'm an old, crusty broad, but I just don't see the appeal with the Jonas Brothers.



I can get with the "tween sensations" -- Hannah Montana, High School Musical, Suite Life of Zach & Cody, etc. Let's face it, I have a 9-year-old so the Disney Channel is 24/7 en mi casa.

And perhaps I was Miley Cyrus in a former life. Or a drag queen. Don't judge.

My point is, I've gone through photos upon photos of these twats on the internet (there are a million of 'em out there) and I can't find one single image where I think they look remotely cute.

Perez Hilton is, like, the Jonas Brothers' biggest fan, and I swear, he posts about 3 stories a day about 'em. I love me some PH, but here's one from the other day where P-Nasty talks about how their stylist should get a raise.

Huh? Their stylist should be shot! There's no way in hell I'd let my spawn walk around in public lookin' like that!

I don't know how you'd even describe their style: Like the Beatles meets the Monkees meets Oliver Twist. Whatever.

I absolutely hate -- I repeat, HATE -- skinny pants on dudes. Hate 'em on women, too, but sweet Jesus, how do these boys sit down in those damn pants!?!?!?! They must have small junk.


The one in the middle looks like Pat Benetar & Rick Springfield had a love child back in the day.


UGH!! Quit tryin' so effin' hard!!!


Menudo, anyone?


Again with the Oliver Twist/magician look!


God Bless America??? God bless those *scarves*!


That gray jacket looks like somethin' Mary Jo Shively (or Anthony Bouvier) woulda worn on Designing Women!