So Long, Tex...So Long, 2008 Season

(photo: Steve Mitchell, US Presswire)

It's now old news that Mark Teixeira was traded by the Atlanta Braves to the Los Angeles California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim for 1B Casey Kotchman & P Stephen Marek.

Can't say I'm thrilled about it, but I also wasn't happy when Edgar Renteria was signed a coupla years ago. He eventually became one of "my boys" and I was sad to see him leave.

It takes me a while to warm up to new players on my team. What can I say, I'm a bitch. (hush yer mouth)

I'm really gonna miss Tex's switch hitting skills -- and his glove! Homegirl's defense is sick! Gonna be hard to replace that aspect of his game.

Tex was quoted as saying, "I thought I'd be here (in Atlanta) the rest of my career."

I call bullshit.

I understand his ties to the area, but he knew comin' here last July that Frankie Wren & Co. was never gonna pay him the kinda dollaz that Scott Boras demands. We don't have bottomless pockets like the Red Sox, the Yankees, yaddy yaddy. Tex seems like a great guy, but there's somethin' to be said about havin' a ruthless snake of an agent like Borass!


Now, on to the annihilation of the "2008 Season of Shoulda Coulda Wouldas":



Prior to Tex packin' his bags, the Braves packed its season, jumped in the terrlit and flushed.

I was so nervous about the weekend series with the Phillies that I couldn't even blog about it beforehand. Friday's game had me feelin' hopeful, but, again, I couldn't blog it. I just couldn't jinx us.

Turns out, they didn't need my help...

Saturday's debacle was excruciating. The oh-so-hyped resurrection of Mike "I'm Made of Paper" Hampton, the 6-run lead, the coming-alive of our flaccid offense...things were lookin' good!

But, what happened? Oh yea, Royce Ring & Blaine Boyer happened. (Yes, I know they weren't the *only* players at fault, but I'm blamin' 'em 'cause I can't stand 'em!)

If we thought Saturday was rough, we had no idea what was in store for us mere hours later...

Sunday brought torrential downpours and another horrid freak show of bullpen prowess (eye roll). The pitching *again* managed to blow a huge lead and we bit it. Hard.

We soooo needed to (at least) take 2-3 from the Phils. Or sweep! But there's no fire in this team. Finally manage to score a shit-load of runs in a series and still hand it over to the opposition. Pretty sure the Phils and their fans are laughin' at us. Oh, and Mets and their fans, too.

Monday saw the St. Louis Cardinals fly into town for a 4-game set, and the Cards brought a coupla ass whoopin's with 'em.

What I thought was funny about last night's game was the fact that Ryan Ray Franklin got the win for Saint Loo-ee. Believe it or not, I dated dude waaaaaaay back in the day! HA! Crazy, huh?! I digress...

So as it stands now, the Braves are 49-57, 8.5 games behind the Mets.

Chipper Jones, Tim Hudson, John Smoltz, Manny Acosta, Pete Moylan, Tom Glavine & Matt Diaz are all on the shelf and Brian McCann's melon is busted so he's outta the lineup, too!

Sigh.......It's been one helluva season, ladies. One helluva season.

Thankfully, Jair Jurrjens takes to the hill tonight. JJ's one of only a few bright spots starring in this tragic comedy.

And one final note: MoonKween's '08-'09 fantasy football draft is Aug. 15!! WOOT!!

Let's take a walk down memory lane to last year's crappy season, shall we?

I Can't Believe What I Just Heard

I think my ears are still bleedin' & screamin' for mercy.



I just wasted 3.5 hours of my life -- 3.5 hours that I'll never get back -- listening to the Braves lose to the Phillies in the most heinous fashion: by blowing a 6-run lead and ultimately leaving 8 runners on base.

What I can't figure out is this: Why the F*CK is Blaine Boyer on this team?!?! Why is he & his shiteous 2-6 record wasting space in the majors? Pitiful excuse for a major league pitcher.

The Braves scored 9 runs in the 4th inning and went up 9-3...what happens the following inning? What else -- their pitchers implode and give up 7 runs. Phils win 10-9.

Un.Fucking.Believable.

Sickening. Vomitous. Abominable. Horrid. Repulsive. Dreadful. Loathsome.

I could go on, but you get my point.

Mike Hampton made is first start in 3 years and he took his lumps, sure. But the Braves could've pulled out the win if it weren't for the Braves embarrassing bullpen.

Bobby Cox shoulda just stayed with Hampton and let him work his way out of the bases-loaded-no-out situation in the 5th. I'm sure he coulda done a better job than Royce Ring & Boyer.

By the way, Royce Ring & Blaine Boyer -- get new names! The alliteration ain't cute, it's annoying! Ugh! I digress....

Aside from blowin' that honkin' lead, the Braves had innings 5-9 in which they couldn't push across one runner on base!

I've said several times this season that I don't think the Braves are worth my time. Why do I continue to punish myself by following these losers? They reinvent ways to hand over victories. Seriously. I'm startin' to think they're gettin' paid to *not* win.

If the Braves haven't had a closed door meeting recently, they need one, STAT! I'm pretty sure some asses need to be kicked after today's game...and some asses need to be kicked off this team! Fer realz.

This Is Not A Joke

Click here to read an age-old story that's been retold & retold & retold & retold & re...well, you get the idea.

Fun times.

*yawn*

Mike Hampton Pitched And Didn't Injure Himself

Do my eyes deceive me?

The AJC reported that Mike "I'm Made of Paper" Hampton threw five scoreless innings in Myrtle Beach on Saturday night...and his body is still in tact! Woot!

Hampton's been workin' that pec muscle for, like, yeeeears now. Dayum, he coulda had every muscle in his body replaced and still been back in the rotation by now! I digress...

Hampton will also join Jeff Francoeur and Matt Diaz in Jacksonville to pitch for AA Mississippi on Thursday.

Family Bravos reunion!

I hope those Mississippi Braves fans are enjoyin' themselves down there. They get to see these hos play for, like, $8 or something. All those folks at Turner Field have had to pay out the nose to see Frenchy stink it up lately.

(Photo by Mississippi Braves. Dayum! Thank you, Mississippi Braves. Thank you.)

Oh, and in 8 ABs, Frenchy is hitting .375 with 3 H, 2 R, 1 RBI, 1BB & 1 SO.

Poor Matty's hittin' only .143 in 7 ABs with 1 H, 1 R, 1 BB, 1 SO & 1 SB. Yesssss! A stolen base! Me thinks that gimpy knee is feelin' better.

Let's remember Frenchy & Matty in happier times:




(Perhaps not such a happy time for Matty...)

Are The Atlanta Braves Worthy Of My Affection?

I've asked myself this question numerous times over the past 20 or so years. Even at the pinnacle of the Braves' success in the 90s, at some point in every season, this team pisses me off.

Yes, we've endured heartbreak as fans of this team, but I get the feelin' this 2008 season will do us all in. This team will be the death of me.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I don't really even want to watch them anymore this season. I'm sick of all the bullshit:

• Will Mark Teixeira stay or go at the end of the season?
  
• Should Jeff Francoeur be benched for a while?
  
• Is Kelly Johnson a true lead-off hitter?
  
• Is Yunel Escobar a true lead-off hitter?
  
• Will we get a slugging outfielder to help with our hitting woes?
  
• Do we need a couple more (reliable) arms in the bullpen?
  
• Will we acquire another (reliable, established) starter for our rotation?
  
• Why is it that this team can't play good, sound, fundamental baseball?
  
• How many more years will pass before Mike Hampton pitches again?
  
• Was Mark Kotsay a mistake? (Although, Joey Devine - the player we traded to Oakland for Kotsay - has been on the DL since the end of May so he ain't exactly helpin' his team either.)
  
• Does Bobby Cox need to hang it up? Is he senile? Why oh why does he make the decisions that he makes?
  
• Why the hell is Blaine Boyer in the majors? Moreso, why the hell is he on my team?
  
• How many games out of first place will we be come September 1?
  
• How many games under .500 will we be come September 1?

I think I summed up my love for the Braves in my first blog post ever. But now I'm not really feelin' 'em. I'm tired of gettin' beat down night after night.

They need to light a fire under their asses. All of 'em! The one time (all season) that I've seen life on the field was on June 18 when the gorgeous & talented Mike Gonzalez came out with guns a'blazin' and got his first save in over a year. He was on FIRE! He was pumped! It was great...



But the rest of this team plays like shit. It's like they're all in a coma.

Oh, and I'm pretty convinced that June 18 was the last time the Braves won a game. (sarcasm)

So I think I'd have more fun gettin' my choch Brazilian waxed than watchin' these hos get swept by the Phillies. Sigh.

Shit, who'm'I kiddin'? I'll be watchin' tonight. It's that whole abusive boyfriend thing...I love him as much as I hate him.

Smoltz Soldiers On

Just days after season-ending (we don't *dare* say career-ending!) shoulder surgery, John Smoltz conducted his 15th annual youth baseball camp today.

Way to be, Smoltzie!!

These pics are awesome. A true testiment to the character of John Smoltz. He couldn't dare let down his youngest fans by cancelling the camp -- or by sending, say, Mike Hampton in his place.

That was a joke. You can un-scrunch your face now.

(Look at the smile on his face! He's lovin' it!)


(You can almost *see* the little cartoon hearts floating above that adorable little boy's head!)

(What a lucky little guy to get to spend the day with a future-HOFer!)

We miss ya Smoltzie!

Reports have also surfaced that Smoltz gets to begin light throwing in a matter of months. We all wish him a speedy recovery.

You can see the rest of Frank Niemeir's great photos from camp here.

Spring Training, Here I Come!

I want to apologize for being so lax with the postin' this week. A million & one things to do.

I'm tryin' to wrap shit up at work, make my packin' list for the trip, stay on top of the Spawn to get his homework finished/turned in (his little mind is also startin' to drift towards warm, sunny Florida so I can't blame him...), get my Wally World shoppin' list straight, hit the tanning salon regularly (which I absolutely abhor), blah blah blah.

Oh, and while I'm keepin' all those balls in the air (teehee), I'm also tryin' to avoid gettin' the fuckin' Black Plague that seems to have the entire country in its gnarled death grip!

These bitches up in here BET NOT give me their SARS right before I leave for a 2-week trip! I've been sick while on vacay before and shit ain't cute. Trust!

I'm really hopin' I'll get to post while I'm down there, but it's lookin' pretty slim. Get this shit: our resort doesn't have wireless in the buildings! They say we can spend $25/week ($50 total!)to use the WiFi in the main lobby (like, out in the open, in front of Jesus & er'body!), or we have to use the dial up.

Dial up?! What the hell is that?! That's like, soooo 1990s! Sheesh! And besides, Momma needs her privacy!

Anyhoo, here are a few random tidbits from the mind of the Kween:

• Mike Hampton's back on the mound (simulation only)
• I'll be the crazy bitch at the Braves game on March 20. I apologize for anything that may or may not happen while I'm in attendance
• I've upped my usual fantasy baseball leagues from 1 to 3 (I'm sure I'll suck in all 3 and embarrass myself, as per usual)
• Christian "Ferocia Coutura" Siriano is our new Project Runway winner
• American Idol is pretty spiffy this season (although David "Gay Stripper Hotness" Hernandez just got the boot! What the...?! Who the fuck is votin' for Kristy Lee Cook? Go play with your PS2s (or *yourselves*) you horny 15-year-old boys! My new obsession is Jason Castro anyway....)
• Brit Brit's all "normal" & shit now -- bah, BORING!
• Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson are "canoodling" onset. zzzzzzzzz
• The Yankees & Devil Rays are already kickin' the shit out of each other (literally) and throwin' 'bows. Love the dramz! Oh, and how *key-yute* is Jonny Gomes!?!?!
• Fuggie Fug & Josh Duhamel are still engaged, I guess. Crap.
• And for all you pervy people all over the world who find your way to the Kastle by way of a "Jeremy Roloff hot" Google search, here he is. And, I'm not certain, but there may be a coupla Jonas Brothers in that photo, too:
  
  
  

P.S. -- Stay strong, Papa! Love you!

Raise Your Hand If You're Surprised

Mike Hampton exited from his second start of the spring with an injury today. Just a sign of the "nagging crap" yet to come this year, I'm sure.

The strained groin isn't supposed to be serious and he's not expected to miss much mound time, but for the love of God! Is this man made of paper?

"Hopefully he can make his next start," manager Bobby Cox said. "We're keeping our fingers crossed. ... He had great stuff again. If we can stay away from the nagging crap."



Sounds familiar....Hampton's not the only fragile geriatric on the team.


Chipper Jones tweaked a hammy earlier in the week -- I'm really hopin' these pepaws get their aches & pains out in spring training (although all those bitches *best* be on the field on March 20 when I'm attendance at the Braves/Tigers game in Lake Buena Vista!)

4 Days & Counting

Pitchers & catchers report to spring training on Valentine's Day, while position players report Feb. 19. So the more geeked I get about the start-up of the 2008 MLB season, the more baseball posts you'll see here at the Kastle.

In my trollin' the 'net for all things baseball, I came across this nice little piece from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's Furman Bisher. He gives a well-written overview of the Braves' pitching situation (Mike Hampton included, of course) and our perceived question marks for various positions, i.e. Mark Kotsay replacin' Andruw Jones in CF, Yunel Escobar becomin' our starting SS after losin' Edgar Renteria.

But I have to give the "Dan Dierdorf Award" to the AJC's Dave O'Brien for his "10 keys to success for the Braves in 2008." You know how Dierdorf was famous for stating the obvious when he was in the booth for Monday Night Football back in the day? (For example, something to the effect of, "the Rams have *got* to convert on 4th down if they want to get a fresh set of downs.") Well, O'Brien pretty much does the same thing in this story.

We know we have to keep our starters healthy. We know we have to keep Chipper "I'm Made of Glass" Jones off the DL. We know we need a strong, steady bullpen with an established closer. We know we need Kotsay to not play like shit. Duh!

I digress...

I'm a little excited about Javy Lopez signing a minor league contract with the club and being invited to spring training. If he makes it, it'll be good to see him in a Braves uniform again. Or out of one...



Since I've segued into shirtless baseball players, can someone tell me who the hell was behind THIS photo shoot?!?!



Apparently, back in the 90s, Sports Illustrated did a story on shortstops. For some reason, dudes took off their shirts. This is bothersome.

Derek Jeter probably came up with the idea because he loves himself so much, and A-Rod went along with it just so he could see Jeter topless. But I can't believe Rents agreed to do this shit!

So Long, Joey D

The Atlanta Braves completed the transaction to acquire CF Mark Kotsay from the Oakland A's in exchange for P Joey Devine.



I won't be cryin' in my beer seein' Devine go...I'm *still* tryin' to recover from this game. That was a killer. 18 innings and the Bravos lose on a walk-off homerun by Chris Burke, given up by Devine?!?! Loser.

And for the next 2 years I was scared shitless everytime that dude hit the mound. Just not a comfortable situation. Best of luck to that bitch in the AL. Sayonara! Don't let the door hitcha in the ass on the way out.

I'm a bit concerned that Kotsay is deemed to be our saviour in center fielder. Not that he's a completely shitty player, but HE'S our answer to the gap left in the OF by Andruw Jones??? Kotsay?? Wow, I knew the market was bad but DAYUM! Did no one else wanna play for us?!



Hopefully dude'll come in & kick arse like Tex did for us the second half of '07. If he does, the Braves front office will look like a bunch of geniuses. Otherwise, Kotsay's broke-down ass will just be another Mike Hampton on our bench.

C'mon y'all. Make me see the light with this trade.......

L.A. State of Mind

Aiight, so Andruw Jones was signed by the Dodgers today. Whoopty-whoop.

Funny enough, I don't have much to say about this. Had he sold out for the Mets or Yankees, I woulda been pissed. But Los Angeles...? Eh.

I *can* say DAYUM to the $36 millz for only 2 years, considering he was a .222 hitter last season. Of course, he did hit 26 HRs and drive in 94. I knew 2007 was just an off-year for him.

Now, watch him come back & kick the shit outta the Braves next year. He'll prolly OWN Tom Glavine. And he may play some part in puttin' Mike "I'm Made of Paper" Hampton back on the shelf. No matter how it happens, it'll happen: Jackie Paper will wind up injured. Again.

Damn you, Joe Torre. Damn you all to hell!

I don't care how much shit I talk about Druw, I'll still miss is sorry ass in CF. He's been the cornerstone of our outfield for lots o' years and I'll miss his defensive prowess (I've always wanted to say "prowess".) Seriously. I'm gonna miss homegirl.

Anyhoo, I guess he won't be takin' in any more Atlanta Hawks games. He & Raphael Furcal can go watch Kobe do whatever the hell it is that he does.



Oh, and they can make fun of former teammates, like this yay-hoo (cuz I'd sure as hell whoop his ass if I ever seen him wearin' this gayer-than-gay visor. A *visor*?! Dude. Seriously.)