Holy Cow!!!!!!!

OMG! So much goin' on in the world -- Brit Brit included, of course! -- and my computer's taken a shit! DAYUM!!! Virus all to hell!!!






Won't be able to *really* blog until tomorrow night or so............I apologize to both of my fans for not being able to bring you my take on the world. By "both of my fans" I mean, MeMe & PaPa.


Hope to be back up & runnin' REAL soon!


Love ya, bitches! muah!


-T

I'm Not His Only Fan

See?! Even TMZ's got on the Novak bandwagon!


Yummy yummy yum!

My new lover picked up his first Grand Slam on Sunday by kickin' Jo-Wilfried Tsonga's ass in the finals of the Australian Open.

Hottie Wins Aussie Open

I was at the bar Friday night, boozin' it up, when I looked up & saw the Australian Open on ESPN. It was the semi-final match between Roger Federer and Novak Djokovic (above).

I'm a sports fan so naturally I'm familiar with Roger and his hotness. He's been around for a while. But my mouth fell open when I saw Djokovic. Dayum!! I'm a sucker for big ears and a big nose. Don't get me started.



Federer, the world's No. 1 seed, had seen 10 straight Grand Slam finals so I was shocked that he lost in straight sets (7-5, 6-3, 7-6 (5)) to the 20-year-old Serbian.

I haven't played "organized" tennis since I was in junior high. When I'm playin' now (for "fun") I can't remember how to keep score, and I bitch & moan the entire time about how I wanna beer & a smoke.

I really couldn't have cared less who won the match. Either one of these hot bitches woulda been nice to look at in the finals, but Djokovic was victorious.


(Federer, left; Djokovic, right)

Djokovic went on to defeat the unseeded Frenchman, Jo-Wilfried Tsonga, for the Aussie Open title Sunday night, his first Grand Slam win.



Poor Roger. Oh well. He'll have plenty of time to sip cappuccinos and reflect on his huge loss in the AO.

Djokovic proved this weekend that he's the one to watch on the men's pro tennis scene. I'll be watchin'. And hopin'...that he takes his shorts off next time he wins big. If he does, we'll *all* win big! Mmmmmm

Let's Kiss Our Asses Goodbye

The Associated Press reports that a dead spy satellite could hit the planet in a few weeks.

We're all gonna die! Actually, with my luck, the damn thing'll land on my head as I'm returnin' from the mailbox after pickin' up my packages of Diamonique from QVC. Hey, say what ya will, but Diamonique's the shit! It's worth dyin' for...

The out-of-control satellite, which may contain hazardous materials, could land anywhere on the planet.

Please, please, please, please, please land on Britney's ass! And maybe Adnoid Ghaleeeeeeeeeeb will be in close proximity so the projectile will take him out, too! Yesssss!

But if it hits Brit, then 98% of the paparazzi population will also perish, and then where would I get my much-needed fix of Brit Brit pix?! Oh hell, it's a catch-22!

OK, satellite, don't take the superstar celebutard, take me! I'm not worthy!



Here's a clip from the other night when Adnoid was on Entertainment Tonight whorin' private voicemails from Miz Spears. He's such a winner.

I wish that Brazilian on his chin would jump up & bitch-slap his ass.

I Miss Me Some Jackie & Kathy

If any of y'all have info on when Work Out and My Life On the D List are comin' back to Bravo, please email me & let me know. I need some Jackie Warner!



I've been Tivo'ing Kathy Griffin's comedy specials to satisfy my desire to see more of that crazy redhead. I LOVE that bitch!

She Was Just Gettin' The Party Started, That's All

What's the big deal, ESPN?



Dana Jacobson is this hot bitch on ESPN radio who co-hosts a morning show called "ESPN First Take". Apparently she had a *tiny bit* too much to drink a coupla weeks ago at a roast for some coworkers.

She got a little, um, colorful with her speech and, as a result, has been disciplined by her employer.

The AP reports:

"Jacobson's speech included obscenities aimed at Notre Dame, with Irish football coach Charlie Weis in attendance.

An article in The Press of Atlantic City the next day said that Jacobson 'made an absolute fool of herself, swilling vodka from a Belvedere bottle, mumbling along and cursing like a sailor as Mike & Mike rested their heads in their hands in embarrassment.' She was booed off the stage."

That's HOT! She's my new hero, I love her. That's totally somethin' I'd do!

Shit, she's stuck behind a mic all day, on the radio, where no one can see her trick ass, or her big teefs! She was just enjoying bein' seen out in public, drinkin' like a fish on ESPN's dime, sheesh! Havin' a few drinky-drinks, chillin'. Big whoop.

She was suspended one week.

A Little Pre-Weekend Funny

Enough with all the depressing death this week! Let's all get our chuckle on with this.

You gotta listen to the noises this dude makes! He's never gonna live this shit down.



TGI(almost)F, bitches!

I'm Kind Of A Big Deal

Here she is...my new obsession!! It's Christian Siriano from Bravo's Project Runway 4!

Here's Christian's submission video to get his fierssssss little ass on the show. How could they have possibly turned this hot piece o' man meat down? They couldn't fight the hotness!


(click here if you're having trouble viewing the vid with MSE)

"I'm kind of fierssss. And I'm kind of a celebrity...in my own head."

I love love love Christian!! I hope he wins. I just wanna see what fantabulous things he has to say about himself if he does. I mean, what else could he possibly come up with?!

He's gonna hurt himself from all the back-pattin' & ass-kissin' he does to himself every day. He's gonna get tennis elbow. And tennis lips.

So, I just watched PR4's episode from last night (DVR is fierssssss) and I almost forgot what I was watchin' until, oh yea, it's RICKY CRYING!!! Dayum! Homegirl's bawlin' his face off in every. single. show!

There's no crying in fashion!

But here he is in action: fittin' his model in that "fiersssss" denim dress that scored him a win for the week. After he won.....................................he cried. Ugh!

Score One For the Blogger

A judge ruled Wednesday that Perez Hilton is entitled to upwards of $85,000 to pay legal costs in a lawsuit filed by D.J. Samantha Ronson.

"Samantha Ronson, who sued Hilton last year, was a passenger in (Lindsay) Lohan's car when it crashed into a tree in Beverly Hills in May. She sued Hilton for repeating on his website a report from another site stating that she planted cocaine that was found in Lohan's car," reports MSN.com.



Say whatcha want about Perez Hilton, but he's workin' on buildin' an empire for himself, and we're all contributing to it.

85 Gs?!?! That'll buy a lot o' Pinkberry & blue hair dye. Keep doin' yo thang, P-Nasty!

How's This For Irony!

CNN reports:

Crash kills 20 after air safety meeting

"Twenty members of the Polish Air Force returning from a flight-safety conference have been killed when a transport plane crashed in the northwest of the country.

The Spanish-built CASA transporter crashed near the town of Miroslawiec, a few hundred kilometers northwest of Warsaw, around 7 p.m. (1700 GMT).

The passengers had attended the 15th annual Flight Safety Conference, held in Warsaw on Wednesday. The plane took off from Warsaw and was making several stops before returning to its home base in Krakow."

I would never make light of a situation that involves folks perishing in a firey manner -- or any manner for that matter, really -- but ain't this some shit?!

These were AIR FLIGHT SAFETY PEOPLE!!!

See what can happen?! You bitches make fun of me 'cause I won't get my fat ass on a plane, but lookie here! Reason #128,596 that Momma don't fly!

"I get around as God intended....in a car." - Kate, French Kiss

More Heath Ledger

I am still in shock over the untimely death of Heath Ledger.

I first fell in love with the boy after seeing "The Patriot". I was in luuuurve with Gabriel Martin.

I remember *running* (literally, running) to the computer when the movie was over to find out more about this vision of loveliness that had just graced my TV screen. I found out he was an Australian import. Up & coming hot, young actor. Etc., etc., etc.

I didn't see every movie he made, but I enjoyed his work in the ones I did see. What a shame that he will no longer be sharing his gift of acting with the world.

It's so hard to keep up with the speculations and "news" stories surrounding his death: sleeping pills, overdose, suicide, European prescriptions, insomnia, illegal drugs, $20 bills, Mary-Kate Olsen......it's just too much.

The fact that his beautiful little girl, Matilda, will grow up without her proud, doting father in her life is heartbreaking to me.

My thoughts are with Michelle Williams, Matilda and Heath's family & friends.

Heath Ledger Is Dead

I just can't effin' believe Heath Ledger's dead! I'm in shock!

Don't do drugs, kids.



How sad. And that poor little baby girl, Matilda. So sad.

Well Crap!

(Pepaw deserves another ring!)

I was really lookin' forward to a Favre-Brady Showdown in the Super Bowl, with the Packers winning of course. I love me some Brett Favre!

Now I have to root for Eli "I'm not my brother Peyton" Manning in the SB because I hate Tom Brady.

And it *would* be cool to have brothers win back-to-back Super Bowls. I don't think that's ever happened before, right?

Besides, if Lil' Bro wins the big game, that'll shut Tiki up forever! Muahahaha


(Tiki in SI '02)

If ya think about it, we'll ALL be winners on Super Bowl Sunday because of this! Yee Haw!!!

When his football career's over, Mr. Jiz Bundchen can continue to whore out that shitteous cologne. Stetson's a good name for it cuz it smells like horse piss.

And just because it's funny as hell, here's Eli imbibing in the nectar of the God's a few years back. Never mind the skank in the shot with him....

GO GIANTS!!!!!

My Favorite Match-Up of the Season

Eli Manning and his New York Giants will brave the elements tonight as they roll into Lambeau Field to take on Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers.

I think the weather will play a huge factor (for the Giants) in tonight's game. Lambeau is Favre's House and he loves this shit! Eli on the other hand might not be able to shake the puss and pull out a victory.


(Hottest pepaw to play the game)

(The winning team goes to the Super Bowl where Paula Abdul is said to be performing at half-time. Those poor bastards will be in the locker room when that hot mess hits the stage. That's so unfortch! They're gonna miss the performance of a *lifetime*!)

A -13 windchill at kick-off won't bode well for NY tonight. And that's fine with me. I'm pissed at Eli anyway. That bitch didn't do a damn thang for my fantasy team this year and now he's on the cusp of a Super Bowl trip?! I don't think so. Kick his ass, BF!!!

Eli's even makin' his lady freeze her ass off to support him in the stands. That's aiight, I'm sure the thought of spendin' all his money will help keep her warm. That would be my motivation. But I'm a greedy ho. Benjamins'll do that to a gal.



Oh yea, there's another game today, too. Yawn. If anyone cares about Mr. Jiz Bundchen, he hopes to keep his New England Patriots undefeated by disposing of the visiting San Diego Chargers.

They won't have it as bad as the folks at Lambeau, though. It'll feel like a balmy 11 degrees at Gillette Stadium for the 3 p.m. kick-off. Luckies.

Spidey's Single!

I don't know what's more shocking: Spiderman is still a current comic book or that I'm writin' about this shit. Slow day I guess.

I thought when they started makin' the Spiderman movies, it was sorta like "Enough with the nerdy comic books! We're movin' on to Hollywood, bitches!!!!"

Anyway, Spiderman has dumped that whore, Mary Jane, after 20 years of marriage (!?). Can't *anybody* stay together these days!?!?!?!?!? Not even the cartoon world is immune from the ugly face of divorce!

Now ol' Petey Parker will have more time for tea-baggin' Batman & Superman. Oh, and Robin, too.


Looks like Mary Jane was a hooker on the Vegas strip in her spare time. "Hey, baby!"

What Is The Deal With These Fools?

Maybe it's because I'm an old, crusty broad, but I just don't see the appeal with the Jonas Brothers.



I can get with the "tween sensations" -- Hannah Montana, High School Musical, Suite Life of Zach & Cody, etc. Let's face it, I have a 9-year-old so the Disney Channel is 24/7 en mi casa.

And perhaps I was Miley Cyrus in a former life. Or a drag queen. Don't judge.

My point is, I've gone through photos upon photos of these twats on the internet (there are a million of 'em out there) and I can't find one single image where I think they look remotely cute.

Perez Hilton is, like, the Jonas Brothers' biggest fan, and I swear, he posts about 3 stories a day about 'em. I love me some PH, but here's one from the other day where P-Nasty talks about how their stylist should get a raise.

Huh? Their stylist should be shot! There's no way in hell I'd let my spawn walk around in public lookin' like that!

I don't know how you'd even describe their style: Like the Beatles meets the Monkees meets Oliver Twist. Whatever.

I absolutely hate -- I repeat, HATE -- skinny pants on dudes. Hate 'em on women, too, but sweet Jesus, how do these boys sit down in those damn pants!?!?!?! They must have small junk.


The one in the middle looks like Pat Benetar & Rick Springfield had a love child back in the day.


UGH!! Quit tryin' so effin' hard!!!


Menudo, anyone?


Again with the Oliver Twist/magician look!


God Bless America??? God bless those *scarves*!


That gray jacket looks like somethin' Mary Jo Shively (or Anthony Bouvier) woulda worn on Designing Women!

So Long, Joey D

The Atlanta Braves completed the transaction to acquire CF Mark Kotsay from the Oakland A's in exchange for P Joey Devine.



I won't be cryin' in my beer seein' Devine go...I'm *still* tryin' to recover from this game. That was a killer. 18 innings and the Bravos lose on a walk-off homerun by Chris Burke, given up by Devine?!?! Loser.

And for the next 2 years I was scared shitless everytime that dude hit the mound. Just not a comfortable situation. Best of luck to that bitch in the AL. Sayonara! Don't let the door hitcha in the ass on the way out.

I'm a bit concerned that Kotsay is deemed to be our saviour in center fielder. Not that he's a completely shitty player, but HE'S our answer to the gap left in the OF by Andruw Jones??? Kotsay?? Wow, I knew the market was bad but DAYUM! Did no one else wanna play for us?!



Hopefully dude'll come in & kick arse like Tex did for us the second half of '07. If he does, the Braves front office will look like a bunch of geniuses. Otherwise, Kotsay's broke-down ass will just be another Mike Hampton on our bench.

C'mon y'all. Make me see the light with this trade.......

Lie To Me! PLEASE PageSix, Lie To Me!

If this actually happens at Super Bowl XLII (Feb. 3), I will denounce the sport forever!

PageSix.com is reportin' that Paula Abdul WILL perform during the half-time show. Holy Mary Mother of God.



And that's not even the worst part of the story. Megan Lynn posts that "Fox will have Ryan Seacrest host the event, interviewing celeb sport fans on a "red carpet," before Paula takes the stage."

Have mercy on my soul.

First of all, football is a manly sport. Fat, sweaty behemoths hittin', kickin' & cussin' one another. And that's just in the stands.

There is no room (I repeat, NO ROOM) for Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat at the fuckin' Super Bowl! What the hell would this mess sing?! Bitch ain't had a hit record since 1912 or some shit.



Reportedly, she'll be joined by Randy "Welcome To the Dawg Pound, That Was Hot!" Jackson for a rendition of "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow".

If I have to watch that shit, there *will* be no tomorrow for me.

$20 she warbles "Rush, Rush"!! Now THAT's a half-time show, bitches!!!!!

Thanks For The Memories

Arkansas Razorback star running-back, and consecutive two-time Heisman Trophy runner-up, Darren McFadden announced today that he won't return to UofA for his senior year: he's entering the NFL draft, bitches!



Aw, mannnn! I figured he'd enter the draft but the confirmation is still sad to hear :-(

Dang! I'm convinced he woulda won the trophy next year! Oh well, on to bigger & better things. And by bigger & better I mean the shittiest team in the league... The Dolphins should have the first pick in the draft so it's likely he'll be wearin' that retina-searing, shiteous teal & orange.

And with Felix Jones also thumbin' his nose at the Razorbacks to enter the draft, what the hell's this team gonna be like next year? It's bad enough the Hogs haven't had a passing game in *years*! With Jones & DMc gone, it's gonna look like Fayetteville High School's playin' at Razorback Stadium!

Oh well, all good things must come to an end, right? Shit!

No Visitation For Mommy Dearest

At least until after the next scheduled hearing slated for Feb. 19.


You know that psycho won't show up for that one either. When will the courts finally wise up and quit givin' that bitch any more chances? Lock her up & throw away the key!


Oh wait, scratch that. I need Brit news 24/7 and I can't get that if she's gettin' special celebrity treatment rottin' away in the clink.

I Need A Life...

In a bad way.

Yes, I'm actually sittin' here watchin' TMZ's live video stream outside the courthouse in L.A.

This freak has been on camera for about 20 minutes now.


I'm watchin' because K-Fed's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is supposed to address the media soon. I *thought* he was gonna give some big speech about 20 minutes ago but instead I'm stuck sittin' here watchin' Pepe Le Pew wearin' a fuckin' Barbie house on his damn head!

All the dramz went down today with Brit's custody hearing. K-Dad showed up on time, as did the emergency medical workers who responded to her crazy-filled house Jan. 3 (they had to testify).

Miz Spears herself was supposed to appear and testify (at the advisement of her lawyers) but she showed up about 4 hours late, made a poor attempt to enter the courthouse, was "scared" by the paps (riiiiight) and left about 20 minutes later.


She proceeded to go to a church, sit down for a few minutes, leave again, and then go to lunch. What a fuckin' whack-job.

Where are the men in white jumpsuits with the butterfly nets?! They need to swoop in, abduct her ass like an alien spaceship and ship her off to Timbuktu!

Oh who'm I kiddin'? What would my life be without this hillbilly in it!?

Is He Still Alive...?

"Rock of Love 2" premiers tonight (9 EST, Vh1) and I'm still in awe of the women (term used loosely) who sign up for this shit. First of all, it's a reality show. Second of all, it's Bret Freakin' Michaels, aka Fergie.



Is he really a catch? I'm not into long-haired rocker dudes who wear more eye makeup than I do, so I guess I just don't see the appeal. He's so not hot.

Dlisted summed up the new season best in this piece. Eloquent as always, MK!

You know I'm still gonna watch this trash, tho. I've already got my Tivo set!

Sweet Jesus...

The only thing left for this crazy horse to do is walk around L.A. butt-ass nekkid. Nothin' she does surprises me anymore.


So if you find pictures of her at a Citgo stealin' cigarette lighters, or at a Starbucks buyin' fraps, or at a RiteAid gettin' "baby stuff" in her burfday suit, send 'em to me. That'll really raise my eyebrows. But at this point -- I'm shocked she didn't do this sooner.


FinalPixxCeleb.com has pics of BritBrit at a Mercedes dealership yesterday wearin' the dress she wore to her wedding reception when she married K-Fed. Dayum, doesn't that seem like 20 years ago?!?!? Where does the time go...?

He's A Dick, But I Love Him

Project Runway 4's resident screamin' queen, Christian Siriano.

Asians are fierce. He's a hisser. Fierssssssss.

He's such an egomaniac, you can't help but love him. He almost got the bizoot this week, but was saved by Kevin's tragic Wal-Mart prom dress.

Oh, and he's also "ferosh".



Christian 4 Eva! Bitches!

Week of Zzzzzzzzzs

I got my fat ass kicked at work this week so I'm just completely unmotivated to blog about all the fun & games takin' place in Hollyweird.

Christina, Nicole and some other F-listers had chitlins at Cedars in L.A.

Nicole and the Duffster's ex had a baby girl today, Harlow Winter Kate Madden. I can get with Harlow, but Winter Kate Madden?? Like Kate Moss and Steve Madden joined forces to form a clothing line for snowy months. Ick.

No word on Xtina's baby's name or sex (tho the baby, born today, was rumored to be a boy). David Alan Grier (I sho' miss that bitch!) and Courtney Thorne-Smith welcomed bundles Thursday & Friday, respectively. Congrats.

What I don't get is how Nicole popped out that kid and was sent home (with baby) the same day! I thought hos got to live it up in the damn hospital for a day or two?? Oh well, sucks to be you, Nicole. Don't forget to soak that crotch to keep it supple. TRUST!

Anyway, The Smoking Gun has posted the best mug shots of 2008 and some of them were quite chuckle-worthy.

That's the best I can do today. Sorry peeps.


(swear to Gawd, I thought it was Lisa Marie Presley)


(I have no words...)


(somebody shaved in the dark)


(I'm keepin' my mouth shut. Goober could quite possibly be my long-lost relative)

Are You Kiddin' Me?!?!?!?!?

TMZ is reportin' that Pamela Anderson's sperminated with Rick "Child Toucher Eyes" Salomon's baby.

You 'member him, right?

He's the hubby from whom she filed for divorce a few weeks ago, only to retract the move (to "work things out"), but to start up divorce proceedings again last week.

Shit! I can't keep up with these celebrity whores and their uteri (is that the plural for uterus?)!

She's knocked up and asking Child Toucher Eyes for spousal support but not child support. What the......???



I'm surprised this life-size fun bag has any functional eggs left. She's been rode hard & put away wet for too many years. This story just can't be true.

But if she is with child, I wish her the best for a healthy pregnancy. That chitlin's gonna need all the damn help it can get down the road. But prayers for this spawn should start in the womb.

Sorry Y'all!

I apologize to my many, many blog fans (both of you) for not posting in a while. I was on vacay Christmas week, returned home on Jan. 3 and headed back to work Jan. 4.

Naturally, after 2 straight weeks with the Hubs & the Spawn, Momma needed a night on the town, so I went out with a few of my drinkin' buddies last Friday and acted like a slutty bar ho. Not really, but I wish.

Due to a Series of Unfortch Events (SoUE), I've been feelin' a bit sickly since Saturday (coincidentally, that's the day after Momma's Night Out....more on that below). It's been waaaaay hard to keep my fingers shut & not blog. TRUST!

Wanna hear about my misery (some of it self-inflicted)? Here ya go:

SoUE #1: Because I was out actin' a skank Friday night, I smoked about 6 packs of ciggies and woke up feelin' like shit the next day. Normally I can bounce back from that emphysema-for-a-day feelin' because I'm such a hot bitch, but.........

SoUE #2: Two days later, the 10 inches of snow we had on the ground started meltin'. Remember, this is Michigan. And it's January! Well, as the air heated up and the snow started dwindlin'........

SoUE #3: It created the. worst. fog. ever. and my asthma kicked up. Yes, I have mild asthma and I smoked 6 packs of cancer sticks at the bar. Don't judge. Anyhoobs, after the fog cleared.......
SoUE #4: The nast, moldy ground kicked up my allergies and now I have a head cold. I'm sure my sinuses look like Lindsay's vag after a 3-day visit to Italy.

SoUE #5: I had to pack & move my office (Yes, I have a real job, bitches! Try it!) in a day & a half and have been behind in my affairs. I just can't function knowin' that all of my personal effects are packed away in boxes and I have 80 unanswered emails in my inbox. I'm anal that way. No, not *that* way, that way.

Let me just digress for a minute to tell you that I'M SOOO IN A BAND NOW! I got to play in the bar band Friday night, and you'll be soooooo shellus (that's "jealous" but with a French accent or some shit. I say it all the time) when you hear what instruments they let me play. No, not the skin flute, *actual* instruments.

(Please keep in mind the following: I can sing like a bird but I can't read music or play an instrument to save my effin' life...except for the skin flute, but that's a whole 'notha show!)

First, I played the TAMBOURINE! Then I played the MARACAS! And to top it all off, I played the COW BELL!! Swear. to. Gawd! I am so in a band! They LOVED me! So a big ups to my boys, The Shaydes (Marko, Pete, Kevin & Jim). I was the unofficial 5th Shayde Friday night. Lovez it!

So, to make a long story short, I haven't had a chance to talk about that psycho, pap-fuckin', no draws-wearin', aimless drivin', hotel-stayin', no kid lovin', hostage takin' Miz Spears. It's been killin' me!!

Roger Clemens is killin' me, too! I watched that fat bitch on "60 Minutes" the other night sayin' "It didn't happen" and "It never happened" a lot.

He also answered Mike Wallace's question about whether or not ex-trainer Brian McNamee injected him "in the buttocks" on multiple occasions by saying "If he's doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I should be pulling tractors with my teeth." HAHA!! Sign his ass up for the Strongman contest!

BTW, Mike Wallace is the hottest crypt keeper *ever*! M'just sayin'.

Clemens also said: "The higher you get up on the flagpole, the more your butt shows. I understand all that." Um, yea, the visual on that one was just HIGHliarous.

Fucker.

Oh, and check out this little piece.