Cougars 4 Cook

Ok, so I didn't vote for David "Hot Lips" Cook 473 times after last Tuesday's American Idol finale -- in fact, I never voted once this year...for anybody -- and I'm not a 40-something suburban soccer-mom, but it's obvious now that Fly Honey's fan base wasn't of the 15-year-old female persuasion.



"Cougars 4 Cook" had my future ex-husband's voting line on speed-dial, propelling him to victory by 12+ million votes over David "Zygote" Archuleta.


The AP writes: "Maybe it's his edgy-yet-mainstream appeal, sly grin, sparkling hazel eyes, facial scruff, love for crossword puzzles, love for his mom and brothers. Or perhaps it's the way he broke down in tears after his final performance..."


See, I'm not the only wrinkled old bag who's hot for his jock and his crossword puzzles.


He's just got that...thang about him. Ya know, that thang!


But it kinda makes me wonder, where were all the Cougars when Chris Daughtry got the boot a few years ago? Wasn't he supposed to be, like, *the* hottest? Don't get me wrong, Daughtry's done pretty damn well for himself since Idol, but I was kinda surprised that he didn't go further in the competition.


Oh well. I guess the Cougars just know what they like. And they luuurve Hot Lips.


Sigh.......Idol's over. Survivor's over. Grey's Anatomy's over. Brothers & Sisters is over.


If it weren't for baseball season to get me through the next four months, I would need therapy. Television therapy.


Side note: As of Memorial Day 2008, the Atlanta Braves are 27-23 & 2.5 games out of 1st.

How To Lose 50 Gs In 3 Seconds

We all watched as the "Survivor" 3rd runner-up Denise told us that she was demoted to scrubbin' terrlits upon her return to work after the show taped.

She tugged at Mark Burnett's heartstrings (and purse strings) with her sad, sad tale of wages lost. He felt bad for the mullet-headed broad so he gave her $50,000 to help ease her pain.

Well now the troof comes out! The superintendent of the school district for which Denise works now tells us that Achy Breaky Heart *requested* (and was granted) a promotion to terrlit cleaner prior to flyin' off for her Chinese adventure.

Instead of keepin' the money, Billy Ray is donatin' it to the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation.

I love to hear about some big dollas bein' donated to good causes, but shit woman!! You were *this* close to FIFTY. THOUSAND. DOLLARS! You know how many bang-trims that money could buy?! Or how many heathered gray crewneck t-shirts you could get with that shit?!



You had me at "Don't tell my heart" but you're just a dumbass, Billy Ray.

I woulda loved to have seen you win a million bucks, and I was thrilled that you got the 50 thou, but what you did is just inconceivable.

Let this be a lesson to all y'all: "The truth doesn't pay."

Wait a minute, that's not right....

"The truth doesn't lie."

That's not it either.

Oh hell, just tell the truth and you might not fuck yerself out of a lot o' money. There.

Courtney Is A Bitch!

Straight up!

The Gwen Stefani Wanna-Be told America that it's mostly children that recognize her at her job (of being a dumb whore) since the newest season of Survivor has aired.

Host Jeff Probst then asked the resident Survivor Ano if she likes kids and she said "No, I actually hate kids," and then cracks up like she just told the funniest joke.

I hope this angular twat gets knocked up with triplets. She's deserving.

Oh, and by the way, Court, yer gettin' FAT! Gasp! Time to scarf & barf!





And here's Million-Dollar Todd at the finale. Such a pretty little girl:

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME (fantasy) FOOTBALL?!

Yes, ladies & germs, I have joined my first ever fantasy football league.

I've been a baseball girl my whole life so I've had many a fantasy baseball team, but I was recently invited to join a girls-only football league. I thought to myself, "What the heck, I've never played fantasy football, and maybe I'll make a few friends along the way..." (Although I typically hate women. But that's another story for another time...).

Anyhoo, I was told well in advance that the live draft was basically gonna be a booze-fest. Perfect. An even better reason to join up.

Twelve crazy-ass hos holed up in a garage for 5 hours drinkin', smokin', eatin', cussin' like sailors...and tryin' our damndest to put together the best team (as you know, it's difficult to make good decisions after 8 beers and 27 jello shots...think Britney & Jason Alexander).

Some of us came into the draft having done our homework: printouts of stat sheets, news & notes, expert analysis, blah, blah, blah. Others, however, had the followin' gameplans:

• "I'm takin' Tony Romo -- he's datin' Carrie Underwood"
• "Jason Sehorn's not playin' anymore?! -- he's married to Angie Harmon, ya know?"
• "I'm takin' Tom Brady cuz he's fiiiiine! By the way, has that Bridget chick had his baby yet?"

And then there was the (more than) occasional pause in draft action due to conversations such as:

• "Sinorice Moss? Yea, umm, I think that's Randy's brother"
• "Ooooh, Matt Hasselbeck, YUM! He's married to Elizabeth, right? Or is that Tim Hasselbeck? When's their baby due anyway?"
• "I'm takin' Plaxico Burress...I LOVE that name!"
• "Alge Crumpler?! Who the hell would name their baby Alge!? Poor child..."
• "Jerricho CROTCHery?!"

Men don't talk shit like that when they're draftin', do they?

And it was no big thang to yell out "you BITCH!" after the ho next to ya took your next pick before you. Such was the case when Alge went before I could nab him -- yes, I admit, I just wanted him because of his name. I can't even tell ya if he's any good or not. And I coulda swore homegirl was gettin' a bit long in the toof, but when I looked him up (it's called research, people!) he's a year younger than ME! Ouch!

Anyhoo, I admit, I had more fun than Michael Vick on Pitbull Adoption Day at the dog pound. As the witching hour dawned, six of us headed out to the bar (with a DD, of course) and had a grand ol' time. There was a band, we rocked out, we had more beers....we were basically a bunch of drunk slutty bar hos. We loved it!

So here's my team: (oh, and my team name is.........wait for it.........wait for it........ Tig Ol' Bitties HAHA! Loves it! Hey, what would you expect from a league named "What'd'ya Think of These?")

• Eli "Don't Call Me Peyton" Manning
• Shaun Alexander
• Ronnie Brown (that's James's nephew, right?)
• Donald Driver
• Chad Johnson
• Deion Branch (Michelle's dad?)
• Jason Witten
• Olindo Mare
• DeAngelo Williams (dud'n't he sing "Brown Sugar"?)
• J.P. Losman (who? oh well, he's kinda cute with bedhead)
• Michael Turner (Tina's baby...)
• Brandon Jones
• David Martin
• Mike Bell
• Najeh Davenport (cuz I love the name...bitch still look like Predator, or did he shave that shit off?)
• Chris Chelios Martin Gramatica
• Titans D
• Pats D

I couldn't tell ya who's gonna be in my starting lineup...I just hope these hos win Momma some money!

In keepin' with the football spirit, here's a pic of Matt Leinart:

I'm postin' it because it's the only time I've ever seen him lookin' like a hot piece. (I've never thought he was much worth lookin' at.) He always seems to be fightin' the hotness. I knew he had it in him...

And, oh, by the way, Sinorice's bro is Santana, not Randy (it's called research, people!).