OK, Folks, Here We Go - Fantasy Football!

My only 3 fans have emailed me wantin' more, more, more. Just like little newborns who want to suckle every half hour. Dayum! I'm doin' the best I can!

Between the realization that my Braves are the worst team in baseball (65 wins as of today, so pretty much true) and back-to-school craziness, and work, and soccer and every other parental stressor, I've been MIA. For that, I apologize to you faithful fans. Both of you.

I can honestly say that I haven't watched an entire Braves game in about 2 months (it's bad, folks) but the fantasy football bug has sure as hell bit the shit outta me.

Last year I had 1 team -- this year I have 11. Obsess much?

Needless to say, I can't give you the blow-by-blow on every player that I own, but let's just say that after week one, it ain't lookin' too pretty.

I did have a few wins last week, but I don't think I even have a .500 record between all those teams of mine. Sad, sad.

LaDainian Tomlinson was a let-down. Willis McGahee = nothin'. Chester The Molester Taylor was pitiful. Kellen Winslow, Santonio Holmes, terrible, terrible.

I'm lookin' forward to my match-up this week with my private league's commish. She talks a lotta shit 'cause she's got Romolicious, but I'm rollin' the dice with Jay Cutler this time around. Screw Eli Manning!!



I have no idea who that bitch is, but I did an image search for fantasy football and there she was. You're welcome, Marky Mark. I'm sure she has a great personality, is really smart, and knows a lot about football. Mmm-hmm. I'm convinced of it.

Anyboobs, if you're managing fantasy teams this year, good luck, bitches!!

Giants Win! Giants Win! Giants Win!

After a nail-bitin' 4th quarter that eventually saw Eli Manning make THE. BEST. PLAY. EVER., the Giants took the lead 17-14 with less than a minute remaining in the game and held on to win Super Bowl XLII.

Dude was makin' me so nervous, throwin' the ball up in the middle of the field for anybody to bring down. Gettin' forced outta the pocket and havin' to scramble his ass off. I didn't think he'd pull it off. I thought he'd either fumble the ball away or throw an INT to basically end the game.

That play Eli made when he (somehow!) avoided the sack and connected with David Tyree was UNBELIVEABLE!! Tyree caught the ball between one hand and his *helmet!* and managed to hang on for the biggest first-down of his career.

I can't wait to see the replays of that online later! Awesome!!! They'll be talkin' about that play for *years*!! Lovez it!

TIKI WHO?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Muahahahahaha

I'm pretty sure this officially makes Eli a "leader" now.

Poor Jiz. She's Jessica #2. Wah Wah Wah

Super Bowl Experience Thusfar....

We're about 11 minutes into the 3rd quarter of the big dance and, so far, it's been an OK game. At least Eli's not gettin' blown out. Boo, Brady, Boo!!

And of course they've already shown Jiz in the suite, cheerin' on her butt boy. And Jim Carey & Jenny McCarthy in their suite. And Pambo Anderson in her suite. Why the hell is she there? Did she take her boys to the game, too? Where the hell are her boys? Someone should issue an Amber Alert for Dylan & Brandon Lee, for realz!

I didn't care for the half-time show. Tom freakin' Petty & the freakin' Heartbreakers?! Gimme a break! Was Jesus busy tonight? I mean, Tom's about the same age as Jesus, right?

I coulda watched that shit on Vh1 Classic.

Anyhoobs, a few of the commercials are pretty entertaining. I loved the Thrillicious dancin' lizards. I rewound my TiVo a few times to watch that crazy shit over & over. I loved the one who farted fire! No, not Naomi Campbell, that hot-ass lizard. That was funny shit.



At least I get to occasionally see my lover, Joe Buck. Mmmmm. Love that hot piece!

He was in a Pepsi Max commercial for a minute:



I'm off to watch more game action & mediocre commercials.

More later....peas out!

Well Crap!

(Pepaw deserves another ring!)

I was really lookin' forward to a Favre-Brady Showdown in the Super Bowl, with the Packers winning of course. I love me some Brett Favre!

Now I have to root for Eli "I'm not my brother Peyton" Manning in the SB because I hate Tom Brady.

And it *would* be cool to have brothers win back-to-back Super Bowls. I don't think that's ever happened before, right?

Besides, if Lil' Bro wins the big game, that'll shut Tiki up forever! Muahahaha


(Tiki in SI '02)

If ya think about it, we'll ALL be winners on Super Bowl Sunday because of this! Yee Haw!!!

When his football career's over, Mr. Jiz Bundchen can continue to whore out that shitteous cologne. Stetson's a good name for it cuz it smells like horse piss.

And just because it's funny as hell, here's Eli imbibing in the nectar of the God's a few years back. Never mind the skank in the shot with him....

GO GIANTS!!!!!

My Favorite Match-Up of the Season

Eli Manning and his New York Giants will brave the elements tonight as they roll into Lambeau Field to take on Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers.

I think the weather will play a huge factor (for the Giants) in tonight's game. Lambeau is Favre's House and he loves this shit! Eli on the other hand might not be able to shake the puss and pull out a victory.


(Hottest pepaw to play the game)

(The winning team goes to the Super Bowl where Paula Abdul is said to be performing at half-time. Those poor bastards will be in the locker room when that hot mess hits the stage. That's so unfortch! They're gonna miss the performance of a *lifetime*!)

A -13 windchill at kick-off won't bode well for NY tonight. And that's fine with me. I'm pissed at Eli anyway. That bitch didn't do a damn thang for my fantasy team this year and now he's on the cusp of a Super Bowl trip?! I don't think so. Kick his ass, BF!!!

Eli's even makin' his lady freeze her ass off to support him in the stands. That's aiight, I'm sure the thought of spendin' all his money will help keep her warm. That would be my motivation. But I'm a greedy ho. Benjamins'll do that to a gal.



Oh yea, there's another game today, too. Yawn. If anyone cares about Mr. Jiz Bundchen, he hopes to keep his New England Patriots undefeated by disposing of the visiting San Diego Chargers.

They won't have it as bad as the folks at Lambeau, though. It'll feel like a balmy 11 degrees at Gillette Stadium for the 3 p.m. kick-off. Luckies.

That Didn't Take Long...

University of Arkansas head coach Houston Nutt resigned yesterday.

Dayum, he didn't even have time to make friends in the unemployment line!

Homegirl said "KONICHIWA, BITCHES!" all the way to the bank.

Today it was announced that he's signed on to coach Ole Miss beginning next season.


(Mississippi alums say "oy!")

It'll be interesting to see what the fans have to say (or do) the next time he rolls into Fayetteville. I can hear the Nutt jokes already.....

GD, I SUCK...

...big time. Here I thought I was gonna dominate most of the season, with the exception of the Tom Brady-, Peyton Manning-, Brett Favre-, LaDainian Tomlinson-havers. Here I sat with Chad Johnson, Shaun Alexander, Eli Manning (yea, OK, so he's no big brother, but shit! It was the best I could do in the 7th round....NOBODY takes QBs in the first 6 rounds, dammit!) and DeAngelo "Brown Sugar" Williams.

I barely recognize my team now. It's been decimated by injury, bye weeks and complete suck-assedness. Who'd'a thought that my two franchise players, Johnson & Alexander, would be averagin' 11.6 and 7.5 yards/game, respectively? What the fuck!?

So Alexander's 30-years-old? Big damn deal! Emmitt Smith's old, Dancin' with the Stars ass retired at 35 and was still killin' it! Shit, he had 9 touchdowns that year (2004)! SA's only got 2 TDs all 2007 season........in weeks 1 & 2. It's now week 10. DAYUM!

This was what my team looked like at the end of Monday, Oct. 29, 2007:

• Eli "I'm Not My Brother" Manning - 10 points (fuckin' Wembley Stadium and your spotted dick...whatever the hell that is. Who the hell's idea was it to play in London anyway?!)
• DeAngelo "Brown Sugar" Williams - 4 points
• Reuben "Studdard" Droughns - 3 points
• Chad "I Should Be Better on Paper" Johnson - 5 points (fuckin' TJ Who'sYa'Momma)
• Dennis "Who?" Northcutt - 1 point
• Donald Driver..........................................................................................I can't even go on, it's too depressing

I'm goin' to watch QVC.

Girl Fight!

The claws are out already!

Tiki Barber was on TV Sunday night and called Giants QB Eli Manning a wuss. Well, not really. He said it was a joke that Eli tried to step up & lead an offensive meeting in week 12 last season.

Tiki announced his retirement late last season so he can run off to be a big TV star or some shit.

Eil shot back today, saying that Tiki was a dumb ho who bitched about head coach Tom Coughlin too much and who only thought of his own selfish ass. Well, not really. Just read the damn story!

Eli is quoted as saying, "I guess I'm just happy for Tiki that he's making a smooth transition into the TV world."

MEOW!

Shut the hell up, Eli. Just get out there and make Momma some money!

Dayum!

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME (fantasy) FOOTBALL?!

Yes, ladies & germs, I have joined my first ever fantasy football league.

I've been a baseball girl my whole life so I've had many a fantasy baseball team, but I was recently invited to join a girls-only football league. I thought to myself, "What the heck, I've never played fantasy football, and maybe I'll make a few friends along the way..." (Although I typically hate women. But that's another story for another time...).

Anyhoo, I was told well in advance that the live draft was basically gonna be a booze-fest. Perfect. An even better reason to join up.

Twelve crazy-ass hos holed up in a garage for 5 hours drinkin', smokin', eatin', cussin' like sailors...and tryin' our damndest to put together the best team (as you know, it's difficult to make good decisions after 8 beers and 27 jello shots...think Britney & Jason Alexander).

Some of us came into the draft having done our homework: printouts of stat sheets, news & notes, expert analysis, blah, blah, blah. Others, however, had the followin' gameplans:

• "I'm takin' Tony Romo -- he's datin' Carrie Underwood"
• "Jason Sehorn's not playin' anymore?! -- he's married to Angie Harmon, ya know?"
• "I'm takin' Tom Brady cuz he's fiiiiine! By the way, has that Bridget chick had his baby yet?"

And then there was the (more than) occasional pause in draft action due to conversations such as:

• "Sinorice Moss? Yea, umm, I think that's Randy's brother"
• "Ooooh, Matt Hasselbeck, YUM! He's married to Elizabeth, right? Or is that Tim Hasselbeck? When's their baby due anyway?"
• "I'm takin' Plaxico Burress...I LOVE that name!"
• "Alge Crumpler?! Who the hell would name their baby Alge!? Poor child..."
• "Jerricho CROTCHery?!"

Men don't talk shit like that when they're draftin', do they?

And it was no big thang to yell out "you BITCH!" after the ho next to ya took your next pick before you. Such was the case when Alge went before I could nab him -- yes, I admit, I just wanted him because of his name. I can't even tell ya if he's any good or not. And I coulda swore homegirl was gettin' a bit long in the toof, but when I looked him up (it's called research, people!) he's a year younger than ME! Ouch!

Anyhoo, I admit, I had more fun than Michael Vick on Pitbull Adoption Day at the dog pound. As the witching hour dawned, six of us headed out to the bar (with a DD, of course) and had a grand ol' time. There was a band, we rocked out, we had more beers....we were basically a bunch of drunk slutty bar hos. We loved it!

So here's my team: (oh, and my team name is.........wait for it.........wait for it........ Tig Ol' Bitties HAHA! Loves it! Hey, what would you expect from a league named "What'd'ya Think of These?")

• Eli "Don't Call Me Peyton" Manning
• Shaun Alexander
• Ronnie Brown (that's James's nephew, right?)
• Donald Driver
• Chad Johnson
• Deion Branch (Michelle's dad?)
• Jason Witten
• Olindo Mare
• DeAngelo Williams (dud'n't he sing "Brown Sugar"?)
• J.P. Losman (who? oh well, he's kinda cute with bedhead)
• Michael Turner (Tina's baby...)
• Brandon Jones
• David Martin
• Mike Bell
• Najeh Davenport (cuz I love the name...bitch still look like Predator, or did he shave that shit off?)
• Chris Chelios Martin Gramatica
• Titans D
• Pats D

I couldn't tell ya who's gonna be in my starting lineup...I just hope these hos win Momma some money!

In keepin' with the football spirit, here's a pic of Matt Leinart:

I'm postin' it because it's the only time I've ever seen him lookin' like a hot piece. (I've never thought he was much worth lookin' at.) He always seems to be fightin' the hotness. I knew he had it in him...

And, oh, by the way, Sinorice's bro is Santana, not Randy (it's called research, people!).