ARE YOU READY FOR SOME (fantasy) FOOTBALL?!

Yes, ladies & germs, I have joined my first ever fantasy football league.

I've been a baseball girl my whole life so I've had many a fantasy baseball team, but I was recently invited to join a girls-only football league. I thought to myself, "What the heck, I've never played fantasy football, and maybe I'll make a few friends along the way..." (Although I typically hate women. But that's another story for another time...).

Anyhoo, I was told well in advance that the live draft was basically gonna be a booze-fest. Perfect. An even better reason to join up.

Twelve crazy-ass hos holed up in a garage for 5 hours drinkin', smokin', eatin', cussin' like sailors...and tryin' our damndest to put together the best team (as you know, it's difficult to make good decisions after 8 beers and 27 jello shots...think Britney & Jason Alexander).

Some of us came into the draft having done our homework: printouts of stat sheets, news & notes, expert analysis, blah, blah, blah. Others, however, had the followin' gameplans:

• "I'm takin' Tony Romo -- he's datin' Carrie Underwood"
• "Jason Sehorn's not playin' anymore?! -- he's married to Angie Harmon, ya know?"
• "I'm takin' Tom Brady cuz he's fiiiiine! By the way, has that Bridget chick had his baby yet?"

And then there was the (more than) occasional pause in draft action due to conversations such as:

• "Sinorice Moss? Yea, umm, I think that's Randy's brother"
• "Ooooh, Matt Hasselbeck, YUM! He's married to Elizabeth, right? Or is that Tim Hasselbeck? When's their baby due anyway?"
• "I'm takin' Plaxico Burress...I LOVE that name!"
• "Alge Crumpler?! Who the hell would name their baby Alge!? Poor child..."
• "Jerricho CROTCHery?!"

Men don't talk shit like that when they're draftin', do they?

And it was no big thang to yell out "you BITCH!" after the ho next to ya took your next pick before you. Such was the case when Alge went before I could nab him -- yes, I admit, I just wanted him because of his name. I can't even tell ya if he's any good or not. And I coulda swore homegirl was gettin' a bit long in the toof, but when I looked him up (it's called research, people!) he's a year younger than ME! Ouch!

Anyhoo, I admit, I had more fun than Michael Vick on Pitbull Adoption Day at the dog pound. As the witching hour dawned, six of us headed out to the bar (with a DD, of course) and had a grand ol' time. There was a band, we rocked out, we had more beers....we were basically a bunch of drunk slutty bar hos. We loved it!

So here's my team: (oh, and my team name is.........wait for it.........wait for it........ Tig Ol' Bitties HAHA! Loves it! Hey, what would you expect from a league named "What'd'ya Think of These?")

• Eli "Don't Call Me Peyton" Manning
• Shaun Alexander
• Ronnie Brown (that's James's nephew, right?)
• Donald Driver
• Chad Johnson
• Deion Branch (Michelle's dad?)
• Jason Witten
• Olindo Mare
• DeAngelo Williams (dud'n't he sing "Brown Sugar"?)
• J.P. Losman (who? oh well, he's kinda cute with bedhead)
• Michael Turner (Tina's baby...)
• Brandon Jones
• David Martin
• Mike Bell
• Najeh Davenport (cuz I love the name...bitch still look like Predator, or did he shave that shit off?)
• Chris Chelios Martin Gramatica
• Titans D
• Pats D

I couldn't tell ya who's gonna be in my starting lineup...I just hope these hos win Momma some money!

In keepin' with the football spirit, here's a pic of Matt Leinart:

I'm postin' it because it's the only time I've ever seen him lookin' like a hot piece. (I've never thought he was much worth lookin' at.) He always seems to be fightin' the hotness. I knew he had it in him...

And, oh, by the way, Sinorice's bro is Santana, not Randy (it's called research, people!).