My only 3 fans have emailed me wantin' more, more, more. Just like little newborns who want to suckle every half hour. Dayum! I'm doin' the best I can!
Between the realization that my Braves are the worst team in baseball (65 wins as of today, so pretty much true) and back-to-school craziness, and work, and soccer and every other parental stressor, I've been MIA. For that, I apologize to you faithful fans. Both of you.
I can honestly say that I haven't watched an entire Braves game in about 2 months (it's bad, folks) but the fantasy football bug has sure as hell bit the shit outta me.
Last year I had 1 team -- this year I have 11. Obsess much?
Needless to say, I can't give you the blow-by-blow on every player that I own, but let's just say that after week one, it ain't lookin' too pretty.
I did have a few wins last week, but I don't think I even have a .500 record between all those teams of mine. Sad, sad.
LaDainian Tomlinson was a let-down. Willis McGahee = nothin'. Chester The Molester Taylor was pitiful. Kellen Winslow, Santonio Holmes, terrible, terrible.
I'm lookin' forward to my match-up this week with my private league's commish. She talks a lotta shit 'cause she's got Romolicious, but I'm rollin' the dice with Jay Cutler this time around. Screw Eli Manning!!
I have no idea who that bitch is, but I did an image search for fantasy football and there she was. You're welcome, Marky Mark. I'm sure she has a great personality, is really smart, and knows a lot about football. Mmm-hmm. I'm convinced of it.
Anyboobs, if you're managing fantasy teams this year, good luck, bitches!!
I saw this commercial for the first time tonight and automatically thought about The Spawn -- whom I miss so much it hurts.
Yes, I may have a heart of cold, black ice but I'm still a Momma, dammit. Don't judge!
The Spawn's on the west coast with the g'parents for a 10-day vacation and I'm missin' him like the Braves miss October baseball. For realz.
*sniff, sniff*
I haven't been separated from The Spawn for this long since he was a wee tot and he went back home with Nana to visit the fam down south while I stayed up in The Great White North. *blubber, blubber*
But he'll be home in a few days (YAY!) and I'll totally get on his nerves with my huggin' & kissin' & fawnin'...he'll be ready to hit L.A. again.
He'll be callin' up BritBrit to ask if he can move in with her so he can be ignored by a mother and devoid of any attention or affection.
Just him, some chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts, Diet Dr. Pepper & his Nintendo DS.
Hey, he likes what he likes...
I've asked myself this question numerous times over the past 20 or so years. Even at the pinnacle of the Braves' success in the 90s, at some point in every season, this team pisses me off.
Yes, we've endured heartbreak as fans of this team, but I get the feelin' this 2008 season will do us all in. This team will be the death of me.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I don't really even want to watch them anymore this season. I'm sick of all the bullshit:
So I think I'd have more fun gettin' my choch Brazilian waxed than watchin' these hos get swept by the Phillies. Sigh.
Shit, who'm'I kiddin'? I'll be watchin' tonight. It's that whole abusive boyfriend thing...I love him as much as I hate him.
I've got one word for ya, people: Wipeout
Wipeout premiered last night on ABC, just in time to bring some much-needed laughter to my life and It. Was. HIGHlarious!
Admittedly, I couldn't watch it "live" because The Spawn's all-star game was last night, so I had to DVR it. I was completely pooped when I got home (it's been a long couple of weeks), so I just washed my face, brushed my teeth and hit the sheets.
Feeling completely shitty about another crushing Braves loss (I promise, for once, this won't be a Braves bashing post. I'll put my fingers on lockdown mode and just focus on the show), I had planned to watch another 20-year-old Golden Girls episode (don't judge!) but instead, I turned on Wipeout.
Within 2 minutes I was laughin' hysterically. Not just laughin', I'm talkin' full-on wheezin' & snortin'!
Naturally, The Spawn came in & chewed me out for startin' the show without him so I had to rewind it. I'm glad he did, 'cause it was even sweeter the 2nd time around, I'm tellin' ya!
We laid there and laughed *so* hard. I think I peed a little.
Here's why the show is perfect summer fun:
You've got great hosts in John Anderson (ESPN's SportsCenter) and John Henson (comedian -- He hosted Talk Soup waaaaay back in the day, and I think I've seen him doin' stuff on vh1...I can't remember, but it's not important. Just know that he's funny).
You've got 24 contestants to start the game. Naturally, the hosts ("The Johns", as they shall henceforth be known) make fun of pretty much all of 'em as they're racin' through the first obstacle course (think Mystery Science Theater 3000 with The Johns as Joel Robinson, Crow and Tom Servo). Most of the contestants don't even make it past the first 5 minutes of the show, at which time they're cast back to whatever podunk town from which they came.
A bunch of losers go home at the end of round one, with the winners advancin' to the next round of obstacles. A few rounds of weedin' out the riff-raff and the last 4 standin' go on to the final obstacle course, The Wipeout Zone.
Just when you think it's all complete hilarity, you realize that you're secretly *rooting* for a favorite! So while you may still be peein' your pants due to the physical catastrophes before your eyes, in a way, you start gettin' serious about it...like you have somethin' ridin' on this insane gameshow.
The person with the fastest time through The Wipeout Zone is deemed the winner and takes home $50,000.
Bottom line, it's great fun and if nothin' else, it'll take your mind off of how crappy *your* team may be playin' at the moment. (See people, I didn't say one degrading word about the Braves...I kept my promise!)
How can you NOT love a game with obstacles such as "The Dreadmill", "Dizzy Dummy" and "Dirty Balls"?!?!
You can watch the premier of Wipeout here. I dare ya not to laugh!
Ok, so I didn't vote for David "Hot Lips" Cook 473 times after last Tuesday's American Idol finale -- in fact, I never voted once this year...for anybody -- and I'm not a 40-something suburban soccer-mom, but it's obvious now that Fly Honey's fan base wasn't of the 15-year-old female persuasion.
"Cougars 4 Cook" had my future ex-husband's voting line on speed-dial, propelling him to victory by 12+ million votes over David "Zygote" Archuleta.
The AP writes: "Maybe it's his edgy-yet-mainstream appeal, sly grin, sparkling hazel eyes, facial scruff, love for crossword puzzles, love for his mom and brothers. Or perhaps it's the way he broke down in tears after his final performance..."
See, I'm not the only wrinkled old bag who's hot for his jock and his crossword puzzles.
He's just got that...thang about him. Ya know, that thang!
But it kinda makes me wonder, where were all the Cougars when Chris Daughtry got the boot a few years ago? Wasn't he supposed to be, like, *the* hottest? Don't get me wrong, Daughtry's done pretty damn well for himself since Idol, but I was kinda surprised that he didn't go further in the competition.
Oh well. I guess the Cougars just know what they like. And they luuurve Hot Lips.
Sigh.......Idol's over. Survivor's over. Grey's Anatomy's over. Brothers & Sisters is over.
If it weren't for baseball season to get me through the next four months, I would need therapy. Television therapy.
Side note: As of Memorial Day 2008, the Atlanta Braves are 27-23 & 2.5 games out of 1st.
I feel like dog barf. Probably look like it, too. Seriously.
You know it's bad when I don't feel like bloggin'...I always got shit to say.
I don't even feel like talkin' about my future-ex-husband, David "Hot Lips" Cook, possibly losing on the American Idol finale tonight.
You know David "Zygote" Archuleta's gonna take the crown. But that's fine with me...it's almost better if you *don't* win that shit. The runners-up seem to have more success than the winners.
And like I've said, I'll be the warm vagina, I mean, um, *shoulder*, that Hot Lips can cry on when the ballons & confetti come rainin' down on Zygote's head instead of his own.
I told y'all bitches that attendance would climb with "David Cook Day" in Kansas City.
Attendance for the Royals' game on May 8 = 11,000
Attendance for David Cook Day on May 9th = 22,000
See, them MLB marketing hos know what they're doin'. When you book my future ex-husband, he makes magic happen.
Too bad he can't hit the road with my Braves to help with their many, many away-from-home woes. Sigh.
Ok, so the hot piece ain't a miracle worker.....the Royals lost 7-4 to the Baltimore Orioles on David Cook Day. :-(
That's alright. He's still got a warm bed waitin' for him in Michigan.
So Roger Clemens couldn't keep the needle outta his ass OR his winky in his pants!
If Debbie wasn't beatin' Rog's ass over this little morsel from a few days ago, she probably will be after this one!
Mindy McCready may not have been the only whore in The Rocket's life. A new report has surfaced alleging that he also "had a relationship" with John Daly's ex-wife, Paulette Dean Daly.
(Paulette Daly with trophy husband, John)
I'm sure Clemens looked like quite the gem after you'd been married to this no-shirt-wearin', bare-footed, beer-bellied, chain-smokin' hillbilly slob.
(Mostest awesomest golf news clip. Ever!)
But I must admit ('cause I'm a hillbilly, too) that his hat's pretty damn hot! GO HOGS!
And what the hell is cutie-pie news dude talkin' about, "this is an unbelievably gorgeous course"?!?! He must've already had his beer goggles on. Had he been hittin' the sauce a little too early in the day? Fairways at Daly's Murder Rock Golf Club in Branson, MO, look like the damn Arizona desert! I think I saw a prickly cactus.
If baby thinks that course is sexy, he should get a load'a me at Hank's Honky Tonk at 1:30 a.m. on a Wednesday. He'll be wantin' to marry a bitch!
I've always liked John Daly. Wanna know why? Homegirl just Don't. Give. A. Fuck. He's like "Yea, I'm backwoods. So what? Yea, I'm big-boned. So what? Yea, I'm a boozehound. So what? Eff you." I like that in a man.
Way hotter than Roger Freakin' Clemens! That pussy.
"Don't underestimate the fat man." -- "Golfer" John Daly, 2008
Oh, and a big "howdy, pard'ner" to Johnny Lee hittin' the links in that vid!
Y'all know I have this unhealthy obsession with my boy Lil' Wayne, and this video ain't doin' me no favors:
What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!?!
I can't help it!
I Still. Love. Weezy!
I'd lick the wrapper...And I can't apologize for that.
This man is a machine!!!!!!
It's not like the DL is a total stranger to John Smoltz, so when you look at his career stats...crazy! To say the least, he's a first-ballot Hall-of-Famer, fo sho!
210 wins (15 in the postseason, the most in history)
154 saves
3.25 ERA
And last but not least: 3,006 strikeouts!
Congratulations to you, Mr. Smoltz. Welcome to the 3,000 SO club!
I was listenin' to the game on XM tonight when I was comin' home from a PTO meeting (yes, you're lookin' at the newly-inducted Secretary of the PTO, thank you very much). Anyhoobs, Skip Caray & Pete Van Wieren threw out a stat that shocked me: Smoltz is only 1 of 4 pitchers to reach 3,000 strikeouts while wearin' only 1 uniform.
Walter Johnson (Washington Senators), Bob Gibson (St. Louis Cardinals) and Steve Carlton (Philadelphia Phillies) each struck out 3,000+ hitters while with only 1 team.
That stat amazed me! I can see how Johnson was with the same club way, waaaay back in the day (1907-1927), because then it wasn't all about money-grubbin' hos, and teams didn't trade folks around like crazy. And even in the Gibson/Carlton days, players stayed put most of the time.
But NOWADAYS, dayum! Errbody's movin' all over the place -- team to team, league to league.
That is quite an accomplishment, and I commend you, Atlanta Braves. I commend you for not bein' complete f*ck ups and tradin' this gem that is known as John Smoltz. Ever. Thank you.
I just wanted to share this little tidbit that I found on wikipedia. If Ty Cobb really did, in fact, speak these words about Johnson, then bitch shoulda been a Harlequin romance novelist after he retired. Such attention to detail! Hot, hot, H-O-T!!!
Ty Cobb recalled his first encounter with the rookie fastballer:
"On August 2, 1907, I encountered the most threatening sight I ever saw in the ball field. He was a rookie, and we licked our lips as we warmed up for the first game of a doubleheader in Washington.
Evidently, manager Pongo Joe Cantillon of the Nats had picked a rube out of the cornfields of the deepest bushes to pitch against us...
He was a tall, shambling galoot of about twenty, with arms so long they hung far out of his sleeves, and with a sidearm delivery that looked unimpressive at first glance...
One of the Tigers imitated a cow mooing, and we hollered at Cantillon: 'Get the pitchfork ready, Joe-- your hayseed's on his way back to the barn.'...
The first time I faced him, I watched him take that easy windup. And then something went past me that made me flinch. The thing just hissed with danger. We couldn't touch him...every one of us knew we'd met the most powerful arm ever turned loose in a ball park."
Awesome! Tall, shambling GALOOT! I fuckin' lovez it!
Again, congrats, John Smoltz.
You. Are. A. Gawd!
In his first start after being recalled from the minors, Atlanta Braves pitcher Chuck James allowed only 4 hits by the Los Angeles Dodgers today. One of those hits was a homerun by Andruw Jones* (his first of the season). *More on Druw below.
James actually dropped his ERA from 18.00 to 7.87, and evened his record at 1-1. The Braves won 4-1 and will be pullin' out the brooms tomorrow afternoon.
Woo hoo!
I am in no way hoppin' on the "Chuck"-(band)wagon (haha, funny) but I just wanted to acknowledge that I was wrong about him possibly pitching like shit today.
Since the Braves have actually put together a string of good games, winning 5 of our last 8 and 3 in a row, I was expecting the other shoe to drop this afternoon. That's typically what happens with my team -- kick ass for a few games, get my hopes up, then they lose 3 or 4 in a row.
I know they "can't win 'em all", but when these dudes get ugly, THEY. GET. UGLY.
Oh, Yunel Escobar is ridin' a 12-game hiting streak into tomorrow, the Braves've only allowed 2 runs in the last 3 games, and Chipper Jones is hittin' .6-0-9 in his last 7 games. Niiiiice!
*Druw has been shown nothin' but love since he's been back in ATL this weekend. Not only did he park is car in the Braves lot today (without gettin' the boot by security), but his parents got to enjoy the game from John Smoltz's luxury box. And after his homer today, the classy ATL fans gave him a standing ovation.
We all still love you, Druuuuuuw! It just ain't right seein' you in Dodger blue....
Back from 2 FAN-TAB-U-LUSS weeks in Florida where I gladly let the sun trespass where I won't even let The Hubster. Just what I needed...relaxation, baseball & beer.
As I told ya before I left, I wasn't gonna have internet access at the resort so I couldn't blog, check email or visit my fave porn sites (kidding!) while away. Doesn't look like I've missed much since I've been gone.
I want to apologize for being so lax with the postin' this week. A million & one things to do.
I'm tryin' to wrap shit up at work, make my packin' list for the trip, stay on top of the Spawn to get his homework finished/turned in (his little mind is also startin' to drift towards warm, sunny Florida so I can't blame him...), get my Wally World shoppin' list straight, hit the tanning salon regularly (which I absolutely abhor), blah blah blah.
Oh, and while I'm keepin' all those balls in the air (teehee), I'm also tryin' to avoid gettin' the fuckin' Black Plague that seems to have the entire country in its gnarled death grip!
These bitches up in here BET NOT give me their SARS right before I leave for a 2-week trip! I've been sick while on vacay before and shit ain't cute. Trust!
I'm really hopin' I'll get to post while I'm down there, but it's lookin' pretty slim. Get this shit: our resort doesn't have wireless in the buildings! They say we can spend $25/week ($50 total!)to use the WiFi in the main lobby (like, out in the open, in front of Jesus & er'body!), or we have to use the dial up.
Dial up?! What the hell is that?! That's like, soooo 1990s! Sheesh! And besides, Momma needs her privacy!
Anyhoo, here are a few random tidbits from the mind of the Kween:
P.S. -- Stay strong, Papa! Love you!
Mike Hampton exited from his second start of the spring with an injury today. Just a sign of the "nagging crap" yet to come this year, I'm sure.
The strained groin isn't supposed to be serious and he's not expected to miss much mound time, but for the love of God! Is this man made of paper?
"Hopefully he can make his next start," manager Bobby Cox said. "We're keeping our fingers crossed. ... He had great stuff again. If we can stay away from the nagging crap."
Sounds familiar....Hampton's not the only fragile geriatric on the team.
Chipper Jones tweaked a hammy earlier in the week -- I'm really hopin' these pepaws get their aches & pains out in spring training (although all those bitches *best* be on the field on March 20 when I'm attendance at the Braves/Tigers game in Lake Buena Vista!)
This man is in the music business (allegedly), so he should've *known* that Kristy Lee Cook's version of Journey's "Faithfully" WAS a country song -- Lorrie Morgan did it back in the day. And KILLED it.
After Kristy performed the song on tonight's American Idol show, Randy said somethin' like "I loved that country twist. That could be a country song." DUH!
Miz Morgan BLEW. IT. UP. forever ago so it ain't like that classic hasn't been recorded in a country twang. Dayum DAWG, I thought you knew!
When I was in junior high, I was such a country music fan (yea, I know). One night, I caught Lorrie performin' a live show on TV. I taped it and watched the hell out of it!
That was the first time I saw her do Faithfully and it stayed with me. I didn't realized that she had actually put it on her Something In Red album in 1991, although I liked the live version better than the studio version. (I still say her Leave the Light On album was the best she's ever done.)
Anyhoo, dumb-dumb Randy carried on like it was the first time he'd heard Faithfully done in a country fashion -- and Kristy just went with it. You KNOW her stoopid ass was thinkin' "Who's Steve Perry? I was doin' the Lorrie Morgan version from the beginnin'!"
But then again, this is the same man who thought Michael Johns sounded like Michael Hutchence after Johns' performance of "Don't You (Forget About Me)" from Simple Minds on Tuesday night. I thought Hutchence was the INXS dude that offed himself eons ago! When did he sing lead for Simple Minds?
Personally, I'm thinkin' Johns sounds too much like Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam. But that's just my ear talkin'.
It might be time for Randy to hang up his Dawg Pound. Dude's losin' it.
And here's one of my faves from Miz Morgan, totally rockin' the cockatoo do, banana clip & Princeton sweatshirt.
Oh, and 'member back when she was robbin' Troy Aikman's cradle? haha!
