I'm The Greatest Hitter In The World

I saw this commercial for the first time tonight and automatically thought about The Spawn -- whom I miss so much it hurts.

Yes, I may have a heart of cold, black ice but I'm still a Momma, dammit. Don't judge!



The Spawn's on the west coast with the g'parents for a 10-day vacation and I'm missin' him like the Braves miss October baseball. For realz.

*sniff, sniff*

I haven't been separated from The Spawn for this long since he was a wee tot and he went back home with Nana to visit the fam down south while I stayed up in The Great White North. *blubber, blubber*

But he'll be home in a few days (YAY!) and I'll totally get on his nerves with my huggin' & kissin' & fawnin'...he'll be ready to hit L.A. again.

He'll be callin' up BritBrit to ask if he can move in with her so he can be ignored by a mother and devoid of any attention or affection.

Just him, some chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts, Diet Dr. Pepper & his Nintendo DS.

Hey, he likes what he likes...

Showin' Some Love

I'm watchin' the home run derby on ESPN right now and also browsin' one of my favorite blogs, BravesLove.

Lauren is currently doing a live derby commentary. Check out BravesLove sometime and tell her the Kween sent'cha!

Just givin' my homegirl a shout out!

Oh, and the Hammer's throwin' it DOWN!

Final round, lambs!

Hammer, don't hurt 'em!

Peas!

Update: Dang, Hammer didn't hurt 'em in the last round! :-(

10:52 p.m. EST and he didn't win! BOO!!!!

Perfect Show To Watch Following A Horrible Braves Loss

I've got one word for ya, people: Wipeout

Wipeout premiered last night on ABC, just in time to bring some much-needed laughter to my life and It. Was. HIGHlarious!

Admittedly, I couldn't watch it "live" because The Spawn's all-star game was last night, so I had to DVR it. I was completely pooped when I got home (it's been a long couple of weeks), so I just washed my face, brushed my teeth and hit the sheets.

Feeling completely shitty about another crushing Braves loss (I promise, for once, this won't be a Braves bashing post. I'll put my fingers on lockdown mode and just focus on the show), I had planned to watch another 20-year-old Golden Girls episode (don't judge!) but instead, I turned on Wipeout.

Within 2 minutes I was laughin' hysterically. Not just laughin', I'm talkin' full-on wheezin' & snortin'!

Naturally, The Spawn came in & chewed me out for startin' the show without him so I had to rewind it. I'm glad he did, 'cause it was even sweeter the 2nd time around, I'm tellin' ya!

We laid there and laughed *so* hard. I think I peed a little.

Here's why the show is perfect summer fun:
You've got great hosts in John Anderson (ESPN's SportsCenter) and John Henson (comedian -- He hosted Talk Soup waaaaay back in the day, and I think I've seen him doin' stuff on vh1...I can't remember, but it's not important. Just know that he's funny).

You've got 24 contestants to start the game. Naturally, the hosts ("The Johns", as they shall henceforth be known) make fun of pretty much all of 'em as they're racin' through the first obstacle course (think Mystery Science Theater 3000 with The Johns as Joel Robinson, Crow and Tom Servo). Most of the contestants don't even make it past the first 5 minutes of the show, at which time they're cast back to whatever podunk town from which they came.

A bunch of losers go home at the end of round one, with the winners advancin' to the next round of obstacles. A few rounds of weedin' out the riff-raff and the last 4 standin' go on to the final obstacle course, The Wipeout Zone.

Just when you think it's all complete hilarity, you realize that you're secretly *rooting* for a favorite! So while you may still be peein' your pants due to the physical catastrophes before your eyes, in a way, you start gettin' serious about it...like you have somethin' ridin' on this insane gameshow.

The person with the fastest time through The Wipeout Zone is deemed the winner and takes home $50,000.

Bottom line, it's great fun and if nothin' else, it'll take your mind off of how crappy *your* team may be playin' at the moment. (See people, I didn't say one degrading word about the Braves...I kept my promise!)



How can you NOT love a game with obstacles such as "The Dreadmill", "Dizzy Dummy" and "Dirty Balls"?!?!

You can watch the premier of Wipeout here. I dare ya not to laugh!

God, I Miss The South

I was born & raised in the south. I *heart* the south.

I miss the south like Prince Fielder misses his tax payments.

I'm here to tell ya, southeners not only have the gift of gab, but they also have a way with words.

My case in point, these ever so eloquent fans discussing Atlanta Braves baseball on the AJC message boards:

"Don’t get me started on Tex. How come no one on this team is taking a cue from Chipper at the plate? These guys are getting the same pitches to hit and they are whiffing on them. Professional baseball players my left butt cheek! They play worse than the whole UGA College Baseball Team!"

"Delighted to see JoJo continue to grow as a major league pitcher and the return of Mike. Sorry to continue to beat a dead horse but Francoeur sucks. Maybe touching himself so often puts him in a lull. Didn’t his folks teach him that a boy doesn’t do that in public?"

"Gonzo is the first Brave I have seen this year with the “Closer Mentality”. EVERY other Brave pitcher’s butthole drawed up if they walked to the mound in a close situation."

A big thank you goes out to these mo fo's for giving me the biggest fuckin' laugh I've had in a long time! Yes, I live a sad, serious life. Don't judge.

'Butthole drawed up"....someone's MeMe needs to wash his mouth out with soap!

They still do that in the south, bitches!

Ain't that right, MeMe?

And to drive home my point even further, let's revisit classics from Julia & Suzanne Sugarbaker:

Cougars 4 Cook

Ok, so I didn't vote for David "Hot Lips" Cook 473 times after last Tuesday's American Idol finale -- in fact, I never voted once this year...for anybody -- and I'm not a 40-something suburban soccer-mom, but it's obvious now that Fly Honey's fan base wasn't of the 15-year-old female persuasion.



"Cougars 4 Cook" had my future ex-husband's voting line on speed-dial, propelling him to victory by 12+ million votes over David "Zygote" Archuleta.


The AP writes: "Maybe it's his edgy-yet-mainstream appeal, sly grin, sparkling hazel eyes, facial scruff, love for crossword puzzles, love for his mom and brothers. Or perhaps it's the way he broke down in tears after his final performance..."


See, I'm not the only wrinkled old bag who's hot for his jock and his crossword puzzles.


He's just got that...thang about him. Ya know, that thang!


But it kinda makes me wonder, where were all the Cougars when Chris Daughtry got the boot a few years ago? Wasn't he supposed to be, like, *the* hottest? Don't get me wrong, Daughtry's done pretty damn well for himself since Idol, but I was kinda surprised that he didn't go further in the competition.


Oh well. I guess the Cougars just know what they like. And they luuurve Hot Lips.


Sigh.......Idol's over. Survivor's over. Grey's Anatomy's over. Brothers & Sisters is over.


If it weren't for baseball season to get me through the next four months, I would need therapy. Television therapy.


Side note: As of Memorial Day 2008, the Atlanta Braves are 27-23 & 2.5 games out of 1st.

David Cook Is Sensitive

C'Mon Hot Lips!

I feel like dog barf. Probably look like it, too. Seriously.

You know it's bad when I don't feel like bloggin'...I always got shit to say.

I don't even feel like talkin' about my future-ex-husband, David "Hot Lips" Cook, possibly losing on the American Idol finale tonight.



You know David "Zygote" Archuleta's gonna take the crown. But that's fine with me...it's almost better if you *don't* win that shit. The runners-up seem to have more success than the winners.

And like I've said, I'll be the warm vagina, I mean, um, *shoulder*, that Hot Lips can cry on when the ballons & confetti come rainin' down on Zygote's head instead of his own.

Just An Observation

I told y'all bitches that attendance would climb with "David Cook Day" in Kansas City.

Attendance for the Royals' game on May 8 = 11,000
Attendance for David Cook Day on May 9th = 22,000

See, them MLB marketing hos know what they're doin'. When you book my future ex-husband, he makes magic happen.

Too bad he can't hit the road with my Braves to help with their many, many away-from-home woes. Sigh.

Ok, so the hot piece ain't a miracle worker.....the Royals lost 7-4 to the Baltimore Orioles on David Cook Day. :-(

That's alright. He's still got a warm bed waitin' for him in Michigan.

Putting Butts In Seats

The Kansas City Royals organization knows how to milk the hell out of a cash cow, and I love it.



Future American Idol 7 winner, and my future 2nd husband (yea, I said it), David Cook, will be the "guest of honor" at the May 9 Baltimore Orioles/Royals game at Kauffman Stadium.

But here's the catch: He has to live through the next round of voting and land in the top 3 for his Big Day to become reality. Umm, I don't think that'll be a problem, do you?

The Blue Springs, MO, native will get to throw out the first pitch, sing "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" during the stretch, and take part in play-by-play in the broadcast booth for a hot minute.

I guess when your stadium capacity is 40,785 but you only averaged 19,961 last season, you gotta do somethin' to get the American public to show up for your games. Me thinks havin' the hottest contestant on the biggest TV show makin' an appearance will put the asses in the seats.



And for shits & giggles, let's take a look at my man Elliott Yamin when he had his moment of glory at a gutter-butt Richmond Braves game a coupla years ago. Love him!!

Another Rocket Scandal

Roger Clemens had a 10-year affair with certifiable country music "star" Mindy McCready!

Oh snap! Debbie ain't gonna like this...she's prolly beatin' Rog's ass AS. WE. SPEAK!

According to reports, The Rocket & The Psycho began their illicit relationship when he was 28-years-old and she was only 15! (Miley, are you listenin'?!?!) The two met at a karaoke bar. Oooh, classy.

The inevitable "multiple sources" knew of the alleged affair that carried on when Clemens pitched for the Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, New York Yankees & Houston Astros.

Dayum, girl! You kept him comin' back through 4 teams?! You must have gold coins fallin' outta that shit!

Rog is suing former trainer Brian McNamee for defamation ('member his interview with crypt keeper Mike Wallace that aired back in January?). Well, McNamee & team thinks that if you claim you've been "defamed" by someone and that you have a spotless reputation, "anything is fair game", so they're lashin' back at The Rocket for his philandering.




The Debster knew McCready and was aware that the "singer" had flown on Rog's plane. Wha??? How you gonna let a trashy tramp like Mindy McCready fly on your husband's plane, without you bein' there to piss on his leg & mark your territory??



(Wonder what Dean Cain thinks about this hot mess...?)

McCready has a 2-year-old son, Zander Ryan. I'm sayin' DNA TEST! DNA TEST! SWAB IT UP, BITCHES!! TEST THAT SHIT OUT! IT'S ROGER'S 5TH SON!

Oh yea, by the way.........how's that "private sector" treatin' ya, Rog!?




And since I'm bitchin', why don't we work on cleanin' up this little mess.

Scary Moment For Sandra Bullock

This coulda been so much worse than it was.

Sandra Bullock and her hubster, Jesse James, were hit head-on by a drunk driver last night and both vehicles were totaled. Luckily, they were both traveling at a slow rate of speed, only around 15-20 mph. No one was injured.




Sixty-four-year-old memaw, Lucille Gatchelle (above), blew a .20 on the breathalyzer and was arrested at the scene for drunk driving. Dayum!

Don't drink & drive, people!!!!!

Somebody Tell Me Why This Is News?

Apparently, when Miguel Tejada was signed by the Oakland A's back in 1993 out of the Dominican Republic, he told folks he was only 17 years old.

But due to the stellar "journalism" of ESPN's E:60, it's been uncovered that Tejada LIED about his age and took off a coupla years when he was first comin' up! Gasp!

Why is this even an issue?

Below is a clip of Tejada's reaction when the "journalist" known as Tom Farrey ambushed him in an interview and threw the real birth certificate in his face.

This bitch came at him like Chris Hansen from "To Catch a Predator". Gimme a break! He's a shortstop, not a child toucher! And it's Miguel Tejada, not Ted Williams.

MT wasn't havin' none of it. Ho took off his mic and walked off the set.



MT (now with the Houston Astros) was allegedly born on the 25th of May in 1974, not 1976 as he had first claimed, which would make him 34, not 32.

I call "who gives a fuck?!" on this one. Who cares?!?!?! If he's 34 or 32, his prime career days are behind him. And if they're not, I can hear 'em fast approachin'. TRUST!

And just for shits & giggles, let's all enjoy this jewel from Mr. Hot Piece himself, Chris Hansen:



Cigarettes, gas & sex...I can tell ya, 2 of those things are hella expensive and detrimental to my survival. I'll let you decide which 2. Prolly ain't what ya think........

And Mr. Beautiful on Jimmy Kimmel Live last year:

(part 1)


(part 2)


For the love of everything Holy, don't ask me how we got from Miguel Tejada's faux age to wannabe child molesters -- the two are not connected in any way. But I guess that's just how my brain works.

He's Overjoyed...You Can Tell, Right??

AWK-WARD!

In the finale of Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel last night, the models received visits from loved-ones after 3 months of being apart.

Ben's wifey, April, was the first to show up at the apartment and Ben looked (and acted) like he'd rather be takin' a dump than sittin' around with her!

WTF?! You haven't seen this woman in 12 (TWELVE!) weeks, dude!!



Maybe he really is secretly in love with Ronnie. Maybe hangin' out with his sobby, weepy spouse made him realize that he has no interest in dealin' with the complexities of the fairer sex.

At least BRONNIE would never have to overcome PMS or pregnancy hormones in their romanticalness.

Amanda, Perry's ex?-girlfriend, showed up, much to his surprise. He wanted to talk thru some thangs but homegirl wasn't havin' it. She bawled & hugged & "I love you"d & kissed & tap-danced around his questions like she was afraid of divulgin' too much info in front of the cameras. Didn't wanna come off lookin' like a skank.

Girlfriend, PLEEZ!

You know you love the spotlight! If you didn't, you wouldn't've been photographed with Adnoid Ghaleeeeeeeeeeb!

Btw, cute little Holly won:

R.I.P. Elliott's Momma

The unfortch "Taylor Hicks" season of American Idol was the first one I'd ever watched and I wanted Elliott Yamin to win sooooooo bad! I LOVE that dude!!

Elliott's mom, Claudette Yamin, passed away on Monday at a hospital in Virginia. She was 65 years old. The cause of death thusfar has not been disclosed.

She seemed like a wonderful person. Very supportive mom, and as a mom myself, I got mad love for her!

Hugs to you, Elliott.

Randy Jackson Is Dumb

This man is in the music business (allegedly), so he should've *known* that Kristy Lee Cook's version of Journey's "Faithfully" WAS a country song -- Lorrie Morgan did it back in the day. And KILLED it.

After Kristy performed the song on tonight's American Idol show, Randy said somethin' like "I loved that country twist. That could be a country song." DUH!

Miz Morgan BLEW. IT. UP. forever ago so it ain't like that classic hasn't been recorded in a country twang. Dayum DAWG, I thought you knew!

When I was in junior high, I was such a country music fan (yea, I know). One night, I caught Lorrie performin' a live show on TV. I taped it and watched the hell out of it!

That was the first time I saw her do Faithfully and it stayed with me. I didn't realized that she had actually put it on her Something In Red album in 1991, although I liked the live version better than the studio version. (I still say her Leave the Light On album was the best she's ever done.)

Anyhoo, dumb-dumb Randy carried on like it was the first time he'd heard Faithfully done in a country fashion -- and Kristy just went with it. You KNOW her stoopid ass was thinkin' "Who's Steve Perry? I was doin' the Lorrie Morgan version from the beginnin'!"

But then again, this is the same man who thought Michael Johns sounded like Michael Hutchence after Johns' performance of "Don't You (Forget About Me)" from Simple Minds on Tuesday night. I thought Hutchence was the INXS dude that offed himself eons ago! When did he sing lead for Simple Minds?

Personally, I'm thinkin' Johns sounds too much like Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam. But that's just my ear talkin'.

It might be time for Randy to hang up his Dawg Pound. Dude's losin' it.

And here's one of my faves from Miz Morgan, totally rockin' the cockatoo do, banana clip & Princeton sweatshirt.

Oh, and 'member back when she was robbin' Troy Aikman's cradle? haha!

Bust Out The Pepaw Sweaters, Y'All

In honor of the late Mr. Rogers' birthday, March 20 has been heralded "Sweater Day".



The AP reports that "Sweater Day" is the capstone to a six-day celebration planned by Family Communications Inc. of Pittsburgh. Rogers created the company to produce his show.

6 days?!?! Dayum! That's like Mardi Gras or somethin'!

Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood was the shit back in the day! I loved the Land of Make Believe and those crazy-ass handpuppets of royalty.

For the love of everything Holy, people, Mr. McFeely has asked you to wear a sweater! Do it, dammit!

Vive la Mr. Rogers sweater!

Dead Girl Smoking

OK, so maybe Anna Friel (aka "Dead Girl"/Chuck) from Pushing Daisies ain't as healthy as she wanted us to believe last week.

Anna was caught tokin' it up on a photo shoot break the other day.

I don't know what's more shocking: that she's a smoker, or that her baby-daddy is Professor Remus Lupin from Harry Potter!

Yep, Gracie Ellen Mary's pops is David Thewlis.

Yikes!

Nip/Tuck Season Finale (Spoilers)

Anybody else in the world watch this hotness but me?



(Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! If you haven't seen the season finale of Nip/Tuck yet, don't read this shit then email me bitchin' 'bout what I wrote.)

I've been a fan of this trashy show since the beginning, with the exception of last season -- the season when Julia was screwin' the midget nanny.....? I'm a huge fan of midget nannies, but for some reason I just couldn't get with it last year.

But this year, holy shit! I couldn't get enough!

I'll be the first to admit, the first epi of the season, I was like, "What the fuck...?! This shit best get better than this or Ryan Murphy's ass is in trouble!" That whole "Hearts & Scalpels" and movin' to L.A. shit was just too damn tacky.

Thankfully, it did pick up. Christian Troy (Julian McMahon) was still a complete dickhead, but the storylines weren't as far-fetched as they have been in seasons past (with the exception of the last couple episodes when Matt was sleepin' with his then-unknown half-sister, Emme...but whatever. It happens to the best of us).

Sharon Gless (Cagney & Lacey fame) played Colleen Rose, Sean McNamara's (Dylan Walsh) psycho wanna-be manager this season and her ass deserves a damn Oscar!

Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Golden Globe, Grammy, BET, CMA, SAG, Essence, Vh1 Big In '08, MTV Video Music, Nickelodeon Kids' Choice, Car & Driver, Darwin, Webby -- every award under the effin' SUN!

That bitch was C-R-A-Z-Y!! Made me hafta watch with the lights turned on! Ho was cree-py!

(I'll repeat: SPOILER COMIN' UP!)

In the final scene of the season, Colleen's certifiable ass came into the O.R. & stabbed Sean in the back with a huge-ass, shiny-ass butcher's knife about 5 or 6 times. He fell to the floor chokin' & spurtin' blood outta his mouth, with poor little Annie (the daughter no one cares about this season) layin' on the operating table, completely unaware of the goings-on in the room.

Then..........

BLACK

Certainly, Sean can't die. He's a main character!

Who would be the Thelma to Christian's Louise? Who would be the Tim Gunn to Christian's Heidi Klum? Who would be the Krystle Carrington to Christian's Alexis Carrington Colby? Who would be the Dorothy Zbornak to Christian's Sophia Petrillo?

You get the idea...

If Sean dies, I won't come back. He was the main reason I tuned in. Unlike most horny old women, I didn't tune in to see Christian screw everything with a pulse. Sean's the one who did it for me, and believe it or not, he kept his clothes on most of the time.

I'd totally rock Dylan Walsh (sorry MeMe). So if he goes, I go. No other reason to watch.



So how many months will I have to wait, Ryan Murphy?! When will the next season begin? When will I be able to rest comfortably at night knowing that Sean lives?!?!!?

When, Ryan Murphy? When, when, when, when???

This Has It All

Did y'all watch the Project Runway reunion last night?!?! It was great!

I can't stand Carmen! She was sheddin' the tears of Satan.

But please watch this clip for the following reasons:

• The beauty of Chris March, aka Dom DeLuise, cacklin' to beat the band
• Michael Kors laughin' hysterically at those WWE Diva whores
• Ferocia Coutura, aka My Girlfriend! She's "fiersssssss"!
• Mr. Kors lookin' like the lost member of Wham!

It's sheer beauty! Enjoy!

And just because.......you must must must fast forward to 7:20 of *this* vid to see a tribute to Ricky's bawlin' ass. It's fabo! But homegirl did NOT look happy about it!

Wonder who's gonna win!???

I can't wait to see New York Fashion Week on the next epi -- I wanna see if Rami tries to push more draped jersey down the catwalk, if Chris tries show huge drag costumes, if Christian creates more drama, if oatmeal-ass Jillian can keep folks AWAKE! She's so zzzzzzzzzzz Ugh!

Anyhoobs, I'm excited for the next 2 weeks, bitches!

Ferocia Coutura!

Happy Birthday, Blanche Devereaux!

That sexy woman, Rue McClanahan, turns 74 today.

Happy birthday, slut!



"I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo." -- Miz Blanche Devereaux