OK, Folks, Here We Go - Fantasy Football!

My only 3 fans have emailed me wantin' more, more, more. Just like little newborns who want to suckle every half hour. Dayum! I'm doin' the best I can!

Between the realization that my Braves are the worst team in baseball (65 wins as of today, so pretty much true) and back-to-school craziness, and work, and soccer and every other parental stressor, I've been MIA. For that, I apologize to you faithful fans. Both of you.

I can honestly say that I haven't watched an entire Braves game in about 2 months (it's bad, folks) but the fantasy football bug has sure as hell bit the shit outta me.

Last year I had 1 team -- this year I have 11. Obsess much?

Needless to say, I can't give you the blow-by-blow on every player that I own, but let's just say that after week one, it ain't lookin' too pretty.

I did have a few wins last week, but I don't think I even have a .500 record between all those teams of mine. Sad, sad.

LaDainian Tomlinson was a let-down. Willis McGahee = nothin'. Chester The Molester Taylor was pitiful. Kellen Winslow, Santonio Holmes, terrible, terrible.

I'm lookin' forward to my match-up this week with my private league's commish. She talks a lotta shit 'cause she's got Romolicious, but I'm rollin' the dice with Jay Cutler this time around. Screw Eli Manning!!



I have no idea who that bitch is, but I did an image search for fantasy football and there she was. You're welcome, Marky Mark. I'm sure she has a great personality, is really smart, and knows a lot about football. Mmm-hmm. I'm convinced of it.

Anyboobs, if you're managing fantasy teams this year, good luck, bitches!!

So Long, Tex...So Long, 2008 Season

(photo: Steve Mitchell, US Presswire)

It's now old news that Mark Teixeira was traded by the Atlanta Braves to the Los Angeles California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim for 1B Casey Kotchman & P Stephen Marek.

Can't say I'm thrilled about it, but I also wasn't happy when Edgar Renteria was signed a coupla years ago. He eventually became one of "my boys" and I was sad to see him leave.

It takes me a while to warm up to new players on my team. What can I say, I'm a bitch. (hush yer mouth)

I'm really gonna miss Tex's switch hitting skills -- and his glove! Homegirl's defense is sick! Gonna be hard to replace that aspect of his game.

Tex was quoted as saying, "I thought I'd be here (in Atlanta) the rest of my career."

I call bullshit.

I understand his ties to the area, but he knew comin' here last July that Frankie Wren & Co. was never gonna pay him the kinda dollaz that Scott Boras demands. We don't have bottomless pockets like the Red Sox, the Yankees, yaddy yaddy. Tex seems like a great guy, but there's somethin' to be said about havin' a ruthless snake of an agent like Borass!


Now, on to the annihilation of the "2008 Season of Shoulda Coulda Wouldas":



Prior to Tex packin' his bags, the Braves packed its season, jumped in the terrlit and flushed.

I was so nervous about the weekend series with the Phillies that I couldn't even blog about it beforehand. Friday's game had me feelin' hopeful, but, again, I couldn't blog it. I just couldn't jinx us.

Turns out, they didn't need my help...

Saturday's debacle was excruciating. The oh-so-hyped resurrection of Mike "I'm Made of Paper" Hampton, the 6-run lead, the coming-alive of our flaccid offense...things were lookin' good!

But, what happened? Oh yea, Royce Ring & Blaine Boyer happened. (Yes, I know they weren't the *only* players at fault, but I'm blamin' 'em 'cause I can't stand 'em!)

If we thought Saturday was rough, we had no idea what was in store for us mere hours later...

Sunday brought torrential downpours and another horrid freak show of bullpen prowess (eye roll). The pitching *again* managed to blow a huge lead and we bit it. Hard.

We soooo needed to (at least) take 2-3 from the Phils. Or sweep! But there's no fire in this team. Finally manage to score a shit-load of runs in a series and still hand it over to the opposition. Pretty sure the Phils and their fans are laughin' at us. Oh, and Mets and their fans, too.

Monday saw the St. Louis Cardinals fly into town for a 4-game set, and the Cards brought a coupla ass whoopin's with 'em.

What I thought was funny about last night's game was the fact that Ryan Ray Franklin got the win for Saint Loo-ee. Believe it or not, I dated dude waaaaaaay back in the day! HA! Crazy, huh?! I digress...

So as it stands now, the Braves are 49-57, 8.5 games behind the Mets.

Chipper Jones, Tim Hudson, John Smoltz, Manny Acosta, Pete Moylan, Tom Glavine & Matt Diaz are all on the shelf and Brian McCann's melon is busted so he's outta the lineup, too!

Sigh.......It's been one helluva season, ladies. One helluva season.

Thankfully, Jair Jurrjens takes to the hill tonight. JJ's one of only a few bright spots starring in this tragic comedy.

And one final note: MoonKween's '08-'09 fantasy football draft is Aug. 15!! WOOT!!

Let's take a walk down memory lane to last year's crappy season, shall we?

Seahawks To Alexander: Sayonara!

Holy shit! Shaun Alexander was released today by the Seattle Seahawks, barely 2 years after signing an 8-year $62,000,000 contract. That's 62 MILLION dollars, kiddies!



Why the hell couldn't I have been born clairvoyant? Last summer I kept him as one of 2 franchise players for my fantasy football team?!

If I'd seen with my 3rd eye that he was gonna be all geriatric and either sit his broke-down ass on the sidelines and then eventually play with a cast on said geriatric ass, I wouldn't've taken this ho.

(And we won't even TALK about the dramz with my "other" franchise dude...let's not go there.)

Just 3 seasons ago, Alexander was the league MVP with 1,880 rushing yards and a record 28 touchdowns. The last 2 seasons combined, pepaw only had 12 TDs.

Alexander should use his free time to start some athletic and/or educational programs for under-privileged youth. Oh, he already has, say you? Well does he need any help?

I hear Frank Thomas' fossilized, outta work, has-been, dried up ass needs somethin' to do with hizself.

My Favorite Match-Up of the Season

Eli Manning and his New York Giants will brave the elements tonight as they roll into Lambeau Field to take on Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers.

I think the weather will play a huge factor (for the Giants) in tonight's game. Lambeau is Favre's House and he loves this shit! Eli on the other hand might not be able to shake the puss and pull out a victory.


(Hottest pepaw to play the game)

(The winning team goes to the Super Bowl where Paula Abdul is said to be performing at half-time. Those poor bastards will be in the locker room when that hot mess hits the stage. That's so unfortch! They're gonna miss the performance of a *lifetime*!)

A -13 windchill at kick-off won't bode well for NY tonight. And that's fine with me. I'm pissed at Eli anyway. That bitch didn't do a damn thang for my fantasy team this year and now he's on the cusp of a Super Bowl trip?! I don't think so. Kick his ass, BF!!!

Eli's even makin' his lady freeze her ass off to support him in the stands. That's aiight, I'm sure the thought of spendin' all his money will help keep her warm. That would be my motivation. But I'm a greedy ho. Benjamins'll do that to a gal.



Oh yea, there's another game today, too. Yawn. If anyone cares about Mr. Jiz Bundchen, he hopes to keep his New England Patriots undefeated by disposing of the visiting San Diego Chargers.

They won't have it as bad as the folks at Lambeau, though. It'll feel like a balmy 11 degrees at Gillette Stadium for the 3 p.m. kick-off. Luckies.

Not Again...

Someone with a mouth as big as mine, and with as many opinions as I have, sometimes has a tough time blogging: so many people, so much mess, so little time. One never knows where to start, however...

There I was today, workin' from home, carin' for my sick spawn as a good mother should, when I decided to flip through the channels on my lunch break. That's when I came upon my fave soap, The Young & The Restless. I ain't watched this shit in MONTHS! Soapnet keeps changin' the air time of this wreck and I just can't keep up anymore.

Not to mention, I'm now the manager of a high-powered, kick-ass fantasy football team and don't have time to watch trashy daytime/nighttime soaps...unless it's I Love New York 2, in which case, I MAKE time. But more on my awesome FFB team later...

Like I said, while the spawn was playin' PS2 and I was innocently watchin' TV, I was thinkin' to myself, "Whatever happened to so-&-so from back in the Y&R day?", with no intention of bloggin' tonight because, well, I just can't decide who'd I like to be my next sharp-tongued target.

So I jumped on my home computer during the noon hour and this vision of loveliness appeared on my screen: Gloria Fisher-Abbott from Y&R.

With all due respect to my non-judgin' grand-momma: MOTHER FUCKER!

What did my eyes ever do to you, Joan Van Ark?! What did they do to deserve this?! They are now layin', bloodied, on the floor.

Knots Landing alums Donna Mills & JVA (allegedly) filmed spots on Nip/Tuck this past week.

How many times do I have to tell you bitches, Nip/Tuck is a fictional TV show! Sean McNamara & Christian Troy are NOT real plastic surgeons! I thought y'all mighta learned somethin' from this horrific mess!

Reporter Janet Charlton had this to say about JVA's visit to the set: "There was endless hair and makeup preparation, and a setsider noted that the only things rail-thin Joan consumed all day were several glasses of water with honey and one banana. But most frustrating was the fact that it took FOUR hours to light Joan to her complete satisfaction. That's longer than it takes to have a facelift AND liposuction."

Banana, my ass! That ho looks like she gave a free blowjob to a blueberry from the catering truck! What the hell kinda procedure ends with a blue muzzle?

I've heard electrolysis ain't no joke, but even this Tinseltown dinosaur should know not to go out in public 15 minutes after an electro session! DAYUM!

If my momma was dead, she'd be rollin' over in her grave, Valene Ewing. What did you do to yourself? You know Gary ain't gonna be happy to see your blue-faced ass!





Aside from the blueberry fellatio, what's up with the rusty brows & eyeliner?! Sister, yo' roots ain't even that color, and that ain't NO natural color found under the sun created by the Holy Maker himself.

If I were you, I'd lose the number to Michael Jackson's dermatologist. His ass ain't nothin' but trouble, TRUST!

Oh, and, by the way, I might pick up some Mineral Veil to hide that shine. But that's just me...

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME (fantasy) FOOTBALL?!

Yes, ladies & germs, I have joined my first ever fantasy football league.

I've been a baseball girl my whole life so I've had many a fantasy baseball team, but I was recently invited to join a girls-only football league. I thought to myself, "What the heck, I've never played fantasy football, and maybe I'll make a few friends along the way..." (Although I typically hate women. But that's another story for another time...).

Anyhoo, I was told well in advance that the live draft was basically gonna be a booze-fest. Perfect. An even better reason to join up.

Twelve crazy-ass hos holed up in a garage for 5 hours drinkin', smokin', eatin', cussin' like sailors...and tryin' our damndest to put together the best team (as you know, it's difficult to make good decisions after 8 beers and 27 jello shots...think Britney & Jason Alexander).

Some of us came into the draft having done our homework: printouts of stat sheets, news & notes, expert analysis, blah, blah, blah. Others, however, had the followin' gameplans:

• "I'm takin' Tony Romo -- he's datin' Carrie Underwood"
• "Jason Sehorn's not playin' anymore?! -- he's married to Angie Harmon, ya know?"
• "I'm takin' Tom Brady cuz he's fiiiiine! By the way, has that Bridget chick had his baby yet?"

And then there was the (more than) occasional pause in draft action due to conversations such as:

• "Sinorice Moss? Yea, umm, I think that's Randy's brother"
• "Ooooh, Matt Hasselbeck, YUM! He's married to Elizabeth, right? Or is that Tim Hasselbeck? When's their baby due anyway?"
• "I'm takin' Plaxico Burress...I LOVE that name!"
• "Alge Crumpler?! Who the hell would name their baby Alge!? Poor child..."
• "Jerricho CROTCHery?!"

Men don't talk shit like that when they're draftin', do they?

And it was no big thang to yell out "you BITCH!" after the ho next to ya took your next pick before you. Such was the case when Alge went before I could nab him -- yes, I admit, I just wanted him because of his name. I can't even tell ya if he's any good or not. And I coulda swore homegirl was gettin' a bit long in the toof, but when I looked him up (it's called research, people!) he's a year younger than ME! Ouch!

Anyhoo, I admit, I had more fun than Michael Vick on Pitbull Adoption Day at the dog pound. As the witching hour dawned, six of us headed out to the bar (with a DD, of course) and had a grand ol' time. There was a band, we rocked out, we had more beers....we were basically a bunch of drunk slutty bar hos. We loved it!

So here's my team: (oh, and my team name is.........wait for it.........wait for it........ Tig Ol' Bitties HAHA! Loves it! Hey, what would you expect from a league named "What'd'ya Think of These?")

• Eli "Don't Call Me Peyton" Manning
• Shaun Alexander
• Ronnie Brown (that's James's nephew, right?)
• Donald Driver
• Chad Johnson
• Deion Branch (Michelle's dad?)
• Jason Witten
• Olindo Mare
• DeAngelo Williams (dud'n't he sing "Brown Sugar"?)
• J.P. Losman (who? oh well, he's kinda cute with bedhead)
• Michael Turner (Tina's baby...)
• Brandon Jones
• David Martin
• Mike Bell
• Najeh Davenport (cuz I love the name...bitch still look like Predator, or did he shave that shit off?)
• Chris Chelios Martin Gramatica
• Titans D
• Pats D

I couldn't tell ya who's gonna be in my starting lineup...I just hope these hos win Momma some money!

In keepin' with the football spirit, here's a pic of Matt Leinart:

I'm postin' it because it's the only time I've ever seen him lookin' like a hot piece. (I've never thought he was much worth lookin' at.) He always seems to be fightin' the hotness. I knew he had it in him...

And, oh, by the way, Sinorice's bro is Santana, not Randy (it's called research, people!).