Ya Just Can't Make This Up

Some crazy 15-year-old boy in Georgia was charged with four counts of sexual battery for biting or grabbing the buttocks of at least 10 women at the Lovejoy Wal-Mart, and more charges are expected.

"(Police Capt. Greg) Dickens said complaints of rear-end assaults at the store began in August and continued throughout May."

He was recognized & confronted by an ass-bitin' victim who saw him walkin' with relatives.

Could you *imagine*?!?!?!

"Uh, yea, I was tryin' me on some White Stag slacks o'vr'der in the big girl's section and yo' nephew her' jumped out 'da rack & bit my ass! Dayum!"

I'm pretty sure it was one'a these twats below. They look like the ample-butt-bitin' types. Shit, they'll give *anybody* a camera phone these days.




Although these pre-pubescent tools are questionable...I'm thinkin' they shoulda been in the men's Wrangler department. Pre-Brett Favre Wranglers, that is.

His ass is MINE!



I am offended! I have a big, juicy ass AND I was born in a Wal-Mart. I think somebody needs to change The Constitution or somethin'! My Rights have been violated in some way, shape or form....I'm just sure of it!

I'm gonna sue some teenage douche! SUE! SUE! I'M SUIN'!!!!

I'm (Officially) Gonna Live!

As you know, I've been obsessed with the story of the dead spy satellite that was gonna fall on my triflin' ass and kill me.

But the US Navy's plan to kill my predator before it had a chance to block me from retrievin' my Diamonique worked!

So I'll be wearin' that fantabulous Diamonique ankle bracelet when I'm on vacay in 3 weeks. Sa-weet!

The US government loves me.

Let's Kiss Our Asses Goodbye

The Associated Press reports that a dead spy satellite could hit the planet in a few weeks.

We're all gonna die! Actually, with my luck, the damn thing'll land on my head as I'm returnin' from the mailbox after pickin' up my packages of Diamonique from QVC. Hey, say what ya will, but Diamonique's the shit! It's worth dyin' for...

The out-of-control satellite, which may contain hazardous materials, could land anywhere on the planet.

Please, please, please, please, please land on Britney's ass! And maybe Adnoid Ghaleeeeeeeeeeb will be in close proximity so the projectile will take him out, too! Yesssss!

But if it hits Brit, then 98% of the paparazzi population will also perish, and then where would I get my much-needed fix of Brit Brit pix?! Oh hell, it's a catch-22!

OK, satellite, don't take the superstar celebutard, take me! I'm not worthy!



Here's a clip from the other night when Adnoid was on Entertainment Tonight whorin' private voicemails from Miz Spears. He's such a winner.

I wish that Brazilian on his chin would jump up & bitch-slap his ass.