He Should Just Settle & Get It Over With

Cynthia Rodriguez wants a divorce and will file tomorrow.

Oh snap!

If Alex Rodriguez allows his divorce to go to trial (a la Christie Brinkley & Peter Cook -- YIKES!), all hell will break loose.

According to "sources" (eye roll), A-Rod not only has had extra-marital affairs but has also been "brainwashed" by Madonna and her kabbalahlalalaballahahlala.

Madonna denies that there's anything shady goin' on with the slugger, but her marriage to Guy Ritchie is also reportedly on the rocks.

And not to be outdone, C-Rod is supposedly sleepin' with Lenny Kravitz. Who the hell can keep up with these sluts! Dayum!

You'll remember last year A-Rod was accused of entering a strip club with a "mystery blonde". Hell, for all I know, she just happened to be in the background of the photo. Maybe he didn't even know her so who's to say he was having an affair. Umm, yea.

Anyhoobs, the divorce suit also claims "emotional abandonment". And if the reports are to be believed, A-Rod has only seen his 10-week-old daughter, Ella, a handful of times.

But if you had an inkling that your hubby was sleepin' around last year, *why* would you have another baby with him?!?!

The couple also has a 3-year-old daughter, Natasha.

Sad. Sad.

These People Are RiDONKulus

Just a few days ago, Houston Astros pitcher Shawn "Chokeon" Chacon was told to hit the road after he body-slammed his general manager, now the Red Sox's Manny Ramirez is bein' a douche.

Again.

Yawn.

Manny was pissed at the club's traveling secretary, Jack McCormick, because he couldn't get 16 tickets for family members at the last minute. Poor JMc wasn't able to pull 'em outta his ass fast enough, so Manny pushed him to the ground.

JMc is 64 years old!

Senior citizen abuse ain't cute. Just ask Don Zimmer.





Ya know, I'm with this guy.

And this guy -- when IS Boston gonna start kickin' Manny's ass?! For God's sake, it's not like HE'S real worried about hurtin' anybody's feelings. He seems to be able to get away with whatever the hell he wants to; can do whatever the hell he wants to.

Ken Rosenthal has a point...it's time for the Red Sox to take out the trash next season. Let this bitch go.

Watch! The Braves'll sign him! HA!

They need a "slugger" in the lineup & Manny's slugged a myriad of folks this season.

Bein' A GM In The Major Leagues Is Bad For Your Health

If you thought bein' an MLB home plate umpire was a dangerous job, try bein' a general manager.

Yesterday, Ed Wade, GM of the Houston Astros, was *choked* by pitcher Shawn Chacon following a heated exchange between the two men in the dining room before Houston's game against Texas. Mmm, boy -- nothin' gets me fired up like buffet style green beans!

Chacon has been suspended indefinitely (duh!).

The Houston Chronicle reports: "According to Chacon, he was in the dining room after batting practice when (manager Cecil) Cooper asked him to come to his office.

"I said, 'What do you want to speak to me about?' " Chacon said. "He said, 'We just want to talk to you.' I said, 'Anything you can say, you can say to me right here. I don't want to go to the office.' He looked at me, and I said, 'There's nothing for me to say to you guys.' And I don't think whatever they had to say to me they were going to make me happy. I didn't want to get in a closed-room conversation."

"I sat down to eat, and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, 'You need to come with me to the office.' I said, 'For what? I don't want to go to the office with you and Cooper.' And I said, 'You can tell me whatever you've got to tell me right here.' He's like, 'Oh, you want me to tell you right here?' And I said, 'Yeah.' I'm not yelling. I'm calm."

It deteriorated quickly afterward, according to Chacon.

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there, and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling at me. Then I stood up and said, 'You better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool, and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him, because at that point I wanted to beat his (behind). Words were exchanged."

Words were exchanged? Umm, pretty sure that's an understatement, Shawn Chokeon!

The Choke Artist is pissed that he was demoted from starter to relief pitcher over the weekend. By the way, the numbers from his last start, June 19, look like this: 5.0 IP, 8 H, 6 R, 6 ER, 2 HR, 4 BB, 0 SO.

He ain't all that outstandin' anyway. Career 45-61 record & 5.0 ERA. Meh.

Here's my point: When your general manager (it's the GM, not the towel boy!) asks to speak with you, YOU. DO. IT! Period. No questions asked. He has a *lot* to do with your $2 million dollar paycheck, dude.

You don't jump up and Latrell Sprewell his ass! Dayum!

GMs of the future, beware. I guess ya just never know which player's gonna snap and go for the jugular.

Perfect Show To Watch Following A Horrible Braves Loss

I've got one word for ya, people: Wipeout

Wipeout premiered last night on ABC, just in time to bring some much-needed laughter to my life and It. Was. HIGHlarious!

Admittedly, I couldn't watch it "live" because The Spawn's all-star game was last night, so I had to DVR it. I was completely pooped when I got home (it's been a long couple of weeks), so I just washed my face, brushed my teeth and hit the sheets.

Feeling completely shitty about another crushing Braves loss (I promise, for once, this won't be a Braves bashing post. I'll put my fingers on lockdown mode and just focus on the show), I had planned to watch another 20-year-old Golden Girls episode (don't judge!) but instead, I turned on Wipeout.

Within 2 minutes I was laughin' hysterically. Not just laughin', I'm talkin' full-on wheezin' & snortin'!

Naturally, The Spawn came in & chewed me out for startin' the show without him so I had to rewind it. I'm glad he did, 'cause it was even sweeter the 2nd time around, I'm tellin' ya!

We laid there and laughed *so* hard. I think I peed a little.

Here's why the show is perfect summer fun:
You've got great hosts in John Anderson (ESPN's SportsCenter) and John Henson (comedian -- He hosted Talk Soup waaaaay back in the day, and I think I've seen him doin' stuff on vh1...I can't remember, but it's not important. Just know that he's funny).

You've got 24 contestants to start the game. Naturally, the hosts ("The Johns", as they shall henceforth be known) make fun of pretty much all of 'em as they're racin' through the first obstacle course (think Mystery Science Theater 3000 with The Johns as Joel Robinson, Crow and Tom Servo). Most of the contestants don't even make it past the first 5 minutes of the show, at which time they're cast back to whatever podunk town from which they came.

A bunch of losers go home at the end of round one, with the winners advancin' to the next round of obstacles. A few rounds of weedin' out the riff-raff and the last 4 standin' go on to the final obstacle course, The Wipeout Zone.

Just when you think it's all complete hilarity, you realize that you're secretly *rooting* for a favorite! So while you may still be peein' your pants due to the physical catastrophes before your eyes, in a way, you start gettin' serious about it...like you have somethin' ridin' on this insane gameshow.

The person with the fastest time through The Wipeout Zone is deemed the winner and takes home $50,000.

Bottom line, it's great fun and if nothin' else, it'll take your mind off of how crappy *your* team may be playin' at the moment. (See people, I didn't say one degrading word about the Braves...I kept my promise!)



How can you NOT love a game with obstacles such as "The Dreadmill", "Dizzy Dummy" and "Dirty Balls"?!?!

You can watch the premier of Wipeout here. I dare ya not to laugh!

Homegirl Said *What*?

What the hell is newly-appointed New York Mets skipper Jerry Manuel talkin' about?! I don't even think *he* knows.



The New York Post reports: "Asked how the struggling (Aaron) Heilman was holding up under constant booing at Shea this year, Manuel said, 'It's very, very fertile ground for growth in Shea Stadium. It's fertile ground for a team's growth and development. Sometimes, fertile ground has fertilizer.' ...'Fertilizer is a good thing,' Manuel said before the Mets' afternoon contest against the (Colorado) Rockies. 'It's a good thing. You get the greatest results — get the most beautiful plants — when you put it in that type of fertile soil. That's what we have the opportunity to do.'

Manuel, who will make his first appearance at Shea Stadium as manager of the Mets Monday against (the) Seattle (Mariners), pleaded with reporters before and after the fertilizer reference not to blow it out of proportion or do 'something crazy with this'."

You are crazy, Jer-Bear! And it gets better, folks.

"Shortstop Jose Reyes was the target of Manuel's first colorful outburst this week. After Reyes threw a helmet-throwing tantrum last Tuesday night in Manuel's debut when Manuel pulled him in the first inning with a tight hamstring, Manuel jokingly threatened to knife Reyes if it happened again.

'I told him the next time he does that, I'm going to get my blade out and cut him right on the field,' Manuel said. 'I'm a gangster.' ... 'She acted up with me, and she had a day off,' Manuel said of Reyes."


(well, she *is* kinda pretty...m'just sayin')

Umm, sounds like pepaw needs some warm Ovaltine and a long nap.

He needs to keep his pie-hole shut and spend more energy tryin' to figure out what he's gonna do with this .500 ballclub. Incidentally, the wacky Manuel is 3-2 since taking over for the disgraced Willie Randolph on June 17.

IMO, it's the Mets front office that's the disgrace, but that's neither here nor there. They didn't consult me before they made the decision to give ol' Willie the heave-ho.

Larry Birkhead Is A Freak

Larry Birkhead, Anna Nicole Smith's baby-daddy, purchased lingerie items previously worn by crackie in Playboy spreads.

The pink bustier and white negligee went for a total of $2,800 at a celebrity auction held at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino on the Las Vegas Strip yesterday.

According to the AP: "Birkhead said he is trying to make sure his 1-year-old daughter, Dannielynn, has something to remember her mother by.

"I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about," Birkhead told The Associated Press. "Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career."

By history he means lies & fabrications about most aspects of big momma's life.

Um, OK. So if he's lookin' to dig up 'memories' of crackie, why not just show Dannielynn the Playboy pics?? Explain to baby girl that mommy used to take her clothes off and woller around in front of the camera for money.

See, he coulda saved himself almost $3,000 if he'd just done what I suggested...

Weirdo!

Huh?!

We got bitch-slapped by the Mariners tonight.

The Seattle. Fuckin'. Mariners.

The 26-47 Mariners.

Un-fuckin'-believable!


And Campy seemed to be doin' so well in the early innings!




I have no words.


Ugh!!!!

God, I Miss The South

I was born & raised in the south. I *heart* the south.

I miss the south like Prince Fielder misses his tax payments.

I'm here to tell ya, southeners not only have the gift of gab, but they also have a way with words.

My case in point, these ever so eloquent fans discussing Atlanta Braves baseball on the AJC message boards:

"Don’t get me started on Tex. How come no one on this team is taking a cue from Chipper at the plate? These guys are getting the same pitches to hit and they are whiffing on them. Professional baseball players my left butt cheek! They play worse than the whole UGA College Baseball Team!"

"Delighted to see JoJo continue to grow as a major league pitcher and the return of Mike. Sorry to continue to beat a dead horse but Francoeur sucks. Maybe touching himself so often puts him in a lull. Didn’t his folks teach him that a boy doesn’t do that in public?"

"Gonzo is the first Brave I have seen this year with the “Closer Mentality”. EVERY other Brave pitcher’s butthole drawed up if they walked to the mound in a close situation."

A big thank you goes out to these mo fo's for giving me the biggest fuckin' laugh I've had in a long time! Yes, I live a sad, serious life. Don't judge.

'Butthole drawed up"....someone's MeMe needs to wash his mouth out with soap!

They still do that in the south, bitches!

Ain't that right, MeMe?

And to drive home my point even further, let's revisit classics from Julia & Suzanne Sugarbaker:

Pay Yo' Bills!

(most awesomest photo. ever - The Onion)

Seems as though The Petite One, Prince Fielder, owes the tax man some moolah. To the tune of $409,149.14! (Sidebar 1: why 149? Why not just round it up to $409,150? And what the hell is the 14 cents for? What costs $.14 in this day & age of the Big Oil/George W. Bush? 14 pennies don't even cost 14 cents anymore!)

Did he learn nothing from his daddy? Manage. Your. Affairs, people!

Story goes, Prince's "Big Daddy" Cecil was embroiled in an ugly lawsuit filed by Trump Plaza Hotel and Casinos seven or eight years ago. Allegations were that Pops Fielder had lost upwards of $580,000 in 1999 (in 2 days, natch) and failed to pay off his debt in full.

He was consequently sued by TPH&C for $563,359 and lost. (Sidebar 2: again, why 359? Why not round up to 360? Like, what was it that had cost those extra pesky 9 bucks?!)

And something else that always bugs me: Why would you sue someone for money when you know they ain't got it? It's like the ISF (insufficient funds) fees charged by banks & such...why charge an extra $25 for a returned check when you KNOW Mr. ISF ain't got $25?! That's why ho's check bounced to begin with! Dayum!

I digress...

Prince signed a 1-year deal for the 2008 season worth $670,000. Well, there ya go. Have the Milwaukee Brewers make out Prince's paychecks to the IRS and Prince can just eat beans & weenies all year.

Perfect. Problem solved.

If You Care...

According to unnamed "sources" close to the Boston Red Sox, the lover's quarrel in the dugout between Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youkilis on Thursday night was due to this:

"It all happened because Manny complained about Youkilis' habit of throwing bats, helmets and other objects in the dugout when he has a bad at-bat, something that has become a constant practice," the source said.

"Other players have told Youkilis in the past about the situation, which makes him look selfish and that he is more worried about each at-bat than about the team. If Boston is winning easily, there's no reason to throw objects all over the dugout because of a bad at-bat.

"There was a meeting where the team let Youkilis know that many of his teammates were tired of his explosive reactions for each bad plate appearance. It became very bothersome … more so when the team is winning and it's in first place. There's not much room for individualistic attitudes."

So Youk is a whiney baby? That's it? That's why you took a swipe at your teammate, Manny? Seriously? Whatever.

I'm sayin', if Youk wants to throw bats, throw bases or throw babies, he should be able to do that without anybody else buttin' in. Well, maybe not that throwin' babies thing, but you get the picture...

For Gawd's sake, Manny goes through the left-field wall at Fenway Park and uses the bathroom between innings. He high-5s the outfield fans at visiting ballparks. He skips team meetings. He demands to be traded. He threatens to hold out on his contract negotiations. He falls alseep on the job. He's basically the biggest "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!" whore on that whole damn club, and he's got the balls to yell at Youkilis for bein' "individualistic" by throwin' helmets?

Laughable.

Why am I still writin' about this twat?

Manny-Youkilis Squabble

What is goin' *on* with these ladies!?!?

The Boston Red Sox are duking it out with the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. They're duking it out with each other. Hell, even the Sox announcers are throwin' 'bows!

Can't we all get along?



The full story of what brought about the fisticuffs between Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youkilis has yet to be aired, but these girls all need to learn to keep their damn hands to themselves.

So is this latest scuffle "Manny Being Manny" or is he just bein' a bitch?

Ya Just Can't Make This Up

Some crazy 15-year-old boy in Georgia was charged with four counts of sexual battery for biting or grabbing the buttocks of at least 10 women at the Lovejoy Wal-Mart, and more charges are expected.

"(Police Capt. Greg) Dickens said complaints of rear-end assaults at the store began in August and continued throughout May."

He was recognized & confronted by an ass-bitin' victim who saw him walkin' with relatives.

Could you *imagine*?!?!?!

"Uh, yea, I was tryin' me on some White Stag slacks o'vr'der in the big girl's section and yo' nephew her' jumped out 'da rack & bit my ass! Dayum!"

I'm pretty sure it was one'a these twats below. They look like the ample-butt-bitin' types. Shit, they'll give *anybody* a camera phone these days.




Although these pre-pubescent tools are questionable...I'm thinkin' they shoulda been in the men's Wrangler department. Pre-Brett Favre Wranglers, that is.

His ass is MINE!



I am offended! I have a big, juicy ass AND I was born in a Wal-Mart. I think somebody needs to change The Constitution or somethin'! My Rights have been violated in some way, shape or form....I'm just sure of it!

I'm gonna sue some teenage douche! SUE! SUE! I'M SUIN'!!!!

How Do You Say "NASTY!!!!" In Greek?

OMG!

A 9-year old girl in Athens, Greece, went to the hospital with severe stomach pains and it turns out...she was carrying the embryo of her twin in there!

NAST!!!!



Says the story: "Andreas Markou, head of the hospital's pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.

Markou said cases where one of a set of twins absorbs the other in the womb occurs in one of 500,000 live births."

So is that, like, a parasitic twin? Conjoined twins? Siamese twins? Hell, I don't know.

Kinda sad. But still "ewwww"-inducing.

Reminds me of that scene in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Professor Quirrell unwraps his head, turns around, and there's Voldemort's maggoty lookin' face! Gross!!

Anyhoobs, let's take a trip down memory lane and visit Lori & Dori/Reba/George Schappell, the oldest living conjoined twins in the world. Dori changed her name to Reba, then last year, she changed it to George. Ummm, whatever.

Muy caliente!!




Funny, she's got Amy Winehouse face.

He's Still Around??

I had to do a double-take when I saw this headline:

"Reds place Mercker on 15-DL"

I thought maybe they were referrin' to a potential Spawn in the minors or somethin'. Surely he's got kids old enough to play baseball, right?

Nope, they were talkin' about the real deal -- *THE* hot ho otherwise known as Kent Mercker (Atlanta Braves 1989-1995, 2003)!



I mean, this dude's been pitchin' since Jesus was a baby! I had no idea he was still in the bigs. Way to go, Pepaw!!

Anyhoobs, Kent's got lower back pain, on the DL retro to May 6. Probably arthritis....just a hunch.

I'd be surprised if his back *didn't* hurt -- dude's like, 93!

"Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!" -- Lloyd Christmas, Dumb & Dumber

Can I Get One Of These In Coors Light?

He is my kinda dude!

Hot piece Bill Bramanti of South Chicago Heights, IL, poses next to his custom Pabst Blue Ribbon beer coffin. Sa-WEET!

Read more, but why bother? That pic says it all...

Call A Tugboat, Bitches!

Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested last night in Texas for "boating while intoxicated" and resisting arrest.

Homegirl got his ass squirted with pepper spray by the popos, too!! Dayum!

"When Benson did not pass the test, he presented himself as a threat to the officer and argued about whether or not he would be taken to land to have a follow-up field sobriety test performed on land and refused to put on a life jacket," the authority said in a statement.

The officer had to use pepper spray to subdue Benson. He then refused to leave the officer's boat and authorities had to drag him to a car to be taken to the Travis County jail, the authority said.

When are these bitches gonna learn? Benson shoulda called Roscoe Parrish for a ride home!

You shouldn't drink & drive OR drink & boat!

Still Another Rocket Scandal

So Roger Clemens couldn't keep the needle outta his ass OR his winky in his pants!

If Debbie wasn't beatin' Rog's ass over this little morsel from a few days ago, she probably will be after this one!

Mindy McCready may not have been the only whore in The Rocket's life. A new report has surfaced alleging that he also "had a relationship" with John Daly's ex-wife, Paulette Dean Daly.


(Paulette Daly with trophy husband, John)

I'm sure Clemens looked like quite the gem after you'd been married to this no-shirt-wearin', bare-footed, beer-bellied, chain-smokin' hillbilly slob.



(Mostest awesomest golf news clip. Ever!)

But I must admit ('cause I'm a hillbilly, too) that his hat's pretty damn hot! GO HOGS!

And what the hell is cutie-pie news dude talkin' about, "this is an unbelievably gorgeous course"?!?! He must've already had his beer goggles on. Had he been hittin' the sauce a little too early in the day? Fairways at Daly's Murder Rock Golf Club in Branson, MO, look like the damn Arizona desert! I think I saw a prickly cactus.

If baby thinks that course is sexy, he should get a load'a me at Hank's Honky Tonk at 1:30 a.m. on a Wednesday. He'll be wantin' to marry a bitch!

I've always liked John Daly. Wanna know why? Homegirl just Don't. Give. A. Fuck. He's like "Yea, I'm backwoods. So what? Yea, I'm big-boned. So what? Yea, I'm a boozehound. So what? Eff you." I like that in a man.

Way hotter than Roger Freakin' Clemens! That pussy.

"Don't underestimate the fat man." -- "Golfer" John Daly, 2008

Oh, and a big "howdy, pard'ner" to Johnny Lee hittin' the links in that vid!

What Else Can I Say About Dude?

Y'all know I have this unhealthy obsession with my boy Lil' Wayne, and this video ain't doin' me no favors:




What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!?!

I can't help it!

I Still. Love. Weezy!

I'd lick the wrapper...And I can't apologize for that.

Another Rocket Scandal

Roger Clemens had a 10-year affair with certifiable country music "star" Mindy McCready!

Oh snap! Debbie ain't gonna like this...she's prolly beatin' Rog's ass AS. WE. SPEAK!

According to reports, The Rocket & The Psycho began their illicit relationship when he was 28-years-old and she was only 15! (Miley, are you listenin'?!?!) The two met at a karaoke bar. Oooh, classy.

The inevitable "multiple sources" knew of the alleged affair that carried on when Clemens pitched for the Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, New York Yankees & Houston Astros.

Dayum, girl! You kept him comin' back through 4 teams?! You must have gold coins fallin' outta that shit!

Rog is suing former trainer Brian McNamee for defamation ('member his interview with crypt keeper Mike Wallace that aired back in January?). Well, McNamee & team thinks that if you claim you've been "defamed" by someone and that you have a spotless reputation, "anything is fair game", so they're lashin' back at The Rocket for his philandering.




The Debster knew McCready and was aware that the "singer" had flown on Rog's plane. Wha??? How you gonna let a trashy tramp like Mindy McCready fly on your husband's plane, without you bein' there to piss on his leg & mark your territory??



(Wonder what Dean Cain thinks about this hot mess...?)

McCready has a 2-year-old son, Zander Ryan. I'm sayin' DNA TEST! DNA TEST! SWAB IT UP, BITCHES!! TEST THAT SHIT OUT! IT'S ROGER'S 5TH SON!

Oh yea, by the way.........how's that "private sector" treatin' ya, Rog!?




And since I'm bitchin', why don't we work on cleanin' up this little mess.

Fellas, Start Your Engines

This is your lucky day, boys!

Australian researchers have found that men who masturbated more than 5 times a week were 1/3 less likely to develop prostate cancer.

So don't think of it as chokin' the chicken, think of it as...."cancer prevention"! Break out the K-Y and GO. TO. TOWN.

Do it for your health! Viva la Prostate!