He Should Just Settle & Get It Over With

Cynthia Rodriguez wants a divorce and will file tomorrow.

Oh snap!

If Alex Rodriguez allows his divorce to go to trial (a la Christie Brinkley & Peter Cook -- YIKES!), all hell will break loose.

According to "sources" (eye roll), A-Rod not only has had extra-marital affairs but has also been "brainwashed" by Madonna and her kabbalahlalalaballahahlala.

Madonna denies that there's anything shady goin' on with the slugger, but her marriage to Guy Ritchie is also reportedly on the rocks.

And not to be outdone, C-Rod is supposedly sleepin' with Lenny Kravitz. Who the hell can keep up with these sluts! Dayum!

You'll remember last year A-Rod was accused of entering a strip club with a "mystery blonde". Hell, for all I know, she just happened to be in the background of the photo. Maybe he didn't even know her so who's to say he was having an affair. Umm, yea.

Anyhoobs, the divorce suit also claims "emotional abandonment". And if the reports are to be believed, A-Rod has only seen his 10-week-old daughter, Ella, a handful of times.

But if you had an inkling that your hubby was sleepin' around last year, *why* would you have another baby with him?!?!

The couple also has a 3-year-old daughter, Natasha.

Sad. Sad.

Bein' A GM In The Major Leagues Is Bad For Your Health

If you thought bein' an MLB home plate umpire was a dangerous job, try bein' a general manager.

Yesterday, Ed Wade, GM of the Houston Astros, was *choked* by pitcher Shawn Chacon following a heated exchange between the two men in the dining room before Houston's game against Texas. Mmm, boy -- nothin' gets me fired up like buffet style green beans!

Chacon has been suspended indefinitely (duh!).

The Houston Chronicle reports: "According to Chacon, he was in the dining room after batting practice when (manager Cecil) Cooper asked him to come to his office.

"I said, 'What do you want to speak to me about?' " Chacon said. "He said, 'We just want to talk to you.' I said, 'Anything you can say, you can say to me right here. I don't want to go to the office.' He looked at me, and I said, 'There's nothing for me to say to you guys.' And I don't think whatever they had to say to me they were going to make me happy. I didn't want to get in a closed-room conversation."

"I sat down to eat, and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, 'You need to come with me to the office.' I said, 'For what? I don't want to go to the office with you and Cooper.' And I said, 'You can tell me whatever you've got to tell me right here.' He's like, 'Oh, you want me to tell you right here?' And I said, 'Yeah.' I'm not yelling. I'm calm."

It deteriorated quickly afterward, according to Chacon.

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there, and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling at me. Then I stood up and said, 'You better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool, and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him, because at that point I wanted to beat his (behind). Words were exchanged."

Words were exchanged? Umm, pretty sure that's an understatement, Shawn Chokeon!

The Choke Artist is pissed that he was demoted from starter to relief pitcher over the weekend. By the way, the numbers from his last start, June 19, look like this: 5.0 IP, 8 H, 6 R, 6 ER, 2 HR, 4 BB, 0 SO.

He ain't all that outstandin' anyway. Career 45-61 record & 5.0 ERA. Meh.

Here's my point: When your general manager (it's the GM, not the towel boy!) asks to speak with you, YOU. DO. IT! Period. No questions asked. He has a *lot* to do with your $2 million dollar paycheck, dude.

You don't jump up and Latrell Sprewell his ass! Dayum!

GMs of the future, beware. I guess ya just never know which player's gonna snap and go for the jugular.

Pay Yo' Bills!

(most awesomest photo. ever - The Onion)

Seems as though The Petite One, Prince Fielder, owes the tax man some moolah. To the tune of $409,149.14! (Sidebar 1: why 149? Why not just round it up to $409,150? And what the hell is the 14 cents for? What costs $.14 in this day & age of the Big Oil/George W. Bush? 14 pennies don't even cost 14 cents anymore!)

Did he learn nothing from his daddy? Manage. Your. Affairs, people!

Story goes, Prince's "Big Daddy" Cecil was embroiled in an ugly lawsuit filed by Trump Plaza Hotel and Casinos seven or eight years ago. Allegations were that Pops Fielder had lost upwards of $580,000 in 1999 (in 2 days, natch) and failed to pay off his debt in full.

He was consequently sued by TPH&C for $563,359 and lost. (Sidebar 2: again, why 359? Why not round up to 360? Like, what was it that had cost those extra pesky 9 bucks?!)

And something else that always bugs me: Why would you sue someone for money when you know they ain't got it? It's like the ISF (insufficient funds) fees charged by banks & such...why charge an extra $25 for a returned check when you KNOW Mr. ISF ain't got $25?! That's why ho's check bounced to begin with! Dayum!

I digress...

Prince signed a 1-year deal for the 2008 season worth $670,000. Well, there ya go. Have the Milwaukee Brewers make out Prince's paychecks to the IRS and Prince can just eat beans & weenies all year.

Perfect. Problem solved.

Call A Tugboat, Bitches!

Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested last night in Texas for "boating while intoxicated" and resisting arrest.

Homegirl got his ass squirted with pepper spray by the popos, too!! Dayum!

"When Benson did not pass the test, he presented himself as a threat to the officer and argued about whether or not he would be taken to land to have a follow-up field sobriety test performed on land and refused to put on a life jacket," the authority said in a statement.

The officer had to use pepper spray to subdue Benson. He then refused to leave the officer's boat and authorities had to drag him to a car to be taken to the Travis County jail, the authority said.

When are these bitches gonna learn? Benson shoulda called Roscoe Parrish for a ride home!

You shouldn't drink & drive OR drink & boat!

Another Rocket Scandal

Roger Clemens had a 10-year affair with certifiable country music "star" Mindy McCready!

Oh snap! Debbie ain't gonna like this...she's prolly beatin' Rog's ass AS. WE. SPEAK!

According to reports, The Rocket & The Psycho began their illicit relationship when he was 28-years-old and she was only 15! (Miley, are you listenin'?!?!) The two met at a karaoke bar. Oooh, classy.

The inevitable "multiple sources" knew of the alleged affair that carried on when Clemens pitched for the Boston Red Sox, Toronto Blue Jays, New York Yankees & Houston Astros.

Dayum, girl! You kept him comin' back through 4 teams?! You must have gold coins fallin' outta that shit!

Rog is suing former trainer Brian McNamee for defamation ('member his interview with crypt keeper Mike Wallace that aired back in January?). Well, McNamee & team thinks that if you claim you've been "defamed" by someone and that you have a spotless reputation, "anything is fair game", so they're lashin' back at The Rocket for his philandering.




The Debster knew McCready and was aware that the "singer" had flown on Rog's plane. Wha??? How you gonna let a trashy tramp like Mindy McCready fly on your husband's plane, without you bein' there to piss on his leg & mark your territory??



(Wonder what Dean Cain thinks about this hot mess...?)

McCready has a 2-year-old son, Zander Ryan. I'm sayin' DNA TEST! DNA TEST! SWAB IT UP, BITCHES!! TEST THAT SHIT OUT! IT'S ROGER'S 5TH SON!

Oh yea, by the way.........how's that "private sector" treatin' ya, Rog!?




And since I'm bitchin', why don't we work on cleanin' up this little mess.

Scary Moment For Sandra Bullock

This coulda been so much worse than it was.

Sandra Bullock and her hubster, Jesse James, were hit head-on by a drunk driver last night and both vehicles were totaled. Luckily, they were both traveling at a slow rate of speed, only around 15-20 mph. No one was injured.




Sixty-four-year-old memaw, Lucille Gatchelle (above), blew a .20 on the breathalyzer and was arrested at the scene for drunk driving. Dayum!

Don't drink & drive, people!!!!!

Just Another Saturday Night For Me

Those silly, back-stabbin' Russians.


(Mikhail Baryshnikov, Russian ballet dancer, not associated with this story whatsoever, but he's the only Russian I know.)

Some dude got shit-faced, argued with his drinkin' buddy, passed out, was stabbed by said drinkin' buddy at the factory where they worked, rode the bus home, ate a honkin' breakfast, then passed out (again) with the knife still buried in his back.

Wha???!?!?!?! Does the factory know these booze hounds were imbibing while OTJ?

Oh, what am I sayin'? They probably work at the STOLI factory. Errbody's slobberin' drunk, everyday of the week.

Besides, bein'-stabbed-with-a-knife-then-passin'-out-totally-unawares...that's kid stuff! That's happened to me too many times to count.

That is some serious shit. Those Russians don't fuck around.

Another Idiot In The Braves Organization

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Kick his ass to the curb, it is a must!

Ooh, ooh! Or how 'bout:

Roses are red, violets are blue
How many criminals can one team keep on its payroll?

Ok, enough with that mess.

The idiot in question here is 21-year-old Braves prospect Jordan Schafer. He tested positive for human growth hormone (HGH) and has been suspended for 50 games by the office of the commish, Bud Selig.




What a fuckin' dickhead! Here's this kid with every opportunity in the world, playin' for an organization in which other youngsters would *kill* to play, and he goes & fucks himself by purposely, KNOWINGLY usin' steroids.

This shit just pisses me off. Wonder *how* Schafer managed to move from No. 27 in the Braves ranks to No. 1...? Hmmm, lemme think.

And when MLB lets him back in the hallowed halls (cuz you know it will...), what message does that send to fans (and children)?!

I don't want his lyin', cheatin', stank ass on my team!

It's time this sport -- the greatest sport on earth -- gets some big fuckin' balls and says "Enough's enough!" already.

Pisses. Me. Off.

Brett Myers Would So Be On My List

And the Oscar goes to......

I never cared for Brett Myers, but after this, I'd kick his ass when no one was lookin'. Bitch better sleep with one eye open.

Myers was the "mastermind" behind a prank played on poor Kyle Kendrick of the Philadelphia Phillies. They broke the news to Kendrick that he'd been traded to a Japanese team for a player named Kobayashi Iwamura.

There *is* no player named Kobayashi Iwamura and MLB players can't be traded to Japan. Dayum!



The whole effin' world was in on this "joke" -- Phillies assistant GM Ruben Amaro Jr., manager Charlie Manuel, Kendrick's agent, the media.

Shit, even the traveling secretary was an accomplice! You know you're fucked when the traveling secretary is blazin' your ass! The dupe was complete with a fake "press conference" in the locker room.

Needless to say, the whole thing was caught on video and posted on youtube for the entire online world to see. In the video, Kendrick looks like he wants to fly across the table and choke Manuel to death.

Poor dude. I just wanna give him a hug.

Well, on the bright side, it looks like Myers has gotten past the whole "beatin' his wife's ass in public" incident. Way to go, Brett!

Oh, and great actin' jobs by everyone involved. I guess if Myers blows out his arm, he can always fall back on his thespian endeavors.

Tailor Made Was Sited...But For The Wrong Reason

Gatecrasher reports that George "Tailor Made" Weisgerber flipped off a cop in Chelsea last week and was slapped with a disorderly conduct summons.

Allegedly, Tailor Made also cussed out the po-po in front of nightclub Taj and jay-walked. Gasp! Jay-walked?! FELON!



It was denied that any cussin' took place; supposedly he "got swept up" in a separate disturbance outside a different club.

They shoulda locked his ass up & thrown away the key for playin' tonsil hockey with that hot manly mess, New York!

Shit, that's the *real* crime!

Little Georgie has a court date later this month.

Sacramento Queens

Haha! Looks like a few Sacramento Kings dancers are in hot water after sexy pics of 'em boozin' it up & actin' like whores leaked onto the internet last week.

Photos of the Kings' Royal Court dance team feature them in g-strings & fug socks (thankfully not worn at the same time, that would be *totally* unacceptable!), drinkin' cheap ass wine of some sort and standin' in a bathroom. I don't get it.







I'm disappointed. This shit is WEAK! Zero creativity!

They shoulda called up former beauty queen Katie Rees for some photographical advice. That bitch knows how to throw down in front of a camera!

I'm ready for my close-up, y'all!

Call A Cab, Bitches!

Buffalo Bills receiver Roscoe Parrish was popped for DUI early yesterday morning.

Um, yea, nothin' says "blend right in" like drivin' a Bentley down the highway at 4:30 in the mornin'...good grief!

He shoulda picked up the Yellow Pages and let his fingers do the walkin'. Or his legs. Either way, he woulda stayed outta the pokey.

When are these hos gonna learn?

File This One Under "DUH!"

The Associated Press reports that former Atlanta Braves reliever John Rocker admitted in a recent radio interview that he used steroids when he was with the Texas Rangers and Commish new about it.

"Bud Selig knew in the year 2000 John Rocker was taking the juice," the former pitcher said Monday of the baseball commissioner on Atlanta radio station 680. "Didn't do anything about it."

My mouth is agape. I am shocked. Astounded. Stunned. Absolutely blown-away!

I mean, who the hell talks about himself in third-person like that? Geesh.



Let's face it, is anyone really shocked that he was juiced up? Hell no!

I'd be more surprised if he wasn't on steroids. It would be a bigger shocker if he started crusadin' with Al Sharpton!

Save your angry emails, loyal readers. I know the POINT of the story was that Commish knew he was shootin' up. I'm over that. I just can't get over John Rocker talkin' about "John Rocker."

Who gives a shit about this cross-eyed asshole anymore?

Tell me why they even invited this douche on the air? Is the news world REALLY that slow in the ATL that a media outlet would scour the bottom of every pond in the south to drudge up his limp ass? Why would you give this leech airtime?

I'm disappointed in you, 680. Saddened.

Rocket's Wife On The Juice

Reports surfaced Friday that Debbie Clemens, wife of Roger Clemens, was injected with human growth hormone (HGH) by Rog's former trainer, Brian McNamee. prior to the couple's 2003 Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition photo shoot.

This is no surprise to me. That bitch scares the shit outta me. I mean, *look* at her!



But can ya blame her for shootin' up? She's given birth to 4 boys: Koby, Kory, Kacy & Kody. She can't be the only person in the house who can't crush a beer can against her forehead, for cryin' outloud!

I know when I start laggin' behind in the strength category in my family, I start hittin' the syringe. I've got B McNamee on speed-dial.

All jokin' aside, Debbie does do a lot in the charity world, so I truly hope this story isn't true. If it were true, the chartities to which she is tied would most likely take a huge hit, and we don't want that to happen.

'Cause she would beat my ass with that bat.

This One Should Be In The Loonie Bin, Too!

Hells bells!

Move over Delta, Justin, Kim & Britney.

This crazy dude who was denied a liquor license had planned to "shed the blood of the innocent" in an "econopolitical confrontation" at the Super Bowl February 3.

Reportedly, Kurt William Havelock, 35, drove around with an assault rifle and 200 rounds of ammo plannin' to shoot random peeps during pre-game activities because "no one destroys my dream."

For God's sake, dude, it was a LIQUOR LICENSE for a HALLOWEEN-THEMED RESTAURANT named DRUNKENSTEIN'S in TEMPE, ARIZONA, not a kidney!

You are not Susan Lucci with 19 Daytime Emmy nominations and no wins! Miz Lucci never planned a shoot-out on the red carpet of the Daytime Emmys cuz she lost year after year after year after year after year after year...(you get the idea).




Thankfully, Havelock turned himself in and is being held without bail.

Pedro Martinez's Cock Ring Experience

Rooster, that is. Chicken. Fighting. Killing. Gross!

TMZ has obtained a video of Pedro Martinez cockfighting in the Domincan Rebulic with HOF'er Juan Marichal.

The "sport" is not illegal in the DR, but still sick in my opinion.

It's not known if Pedro owns (or perhaps owned) the bird, but he did release it into the ring and took part in chuckling & revelry in the audience as the cockfight continues.

Naturally, PETA's gettin' involved....

I never liked that asshole.

Of course, if he'll do this to pepaw Don Zimmer, it shouldn't surprise me that he'd release an innocent fowl into a pit of death.

She Was Just Gettin' The Party Started, That's All

What's the big deal, ESPN?



Dana Jacobson is this hot bitch on ESPN radio who co-hosts a morning show called "ESPN First Take". Apparently she had a *tiny bit* too much to drink a coupla weeks ago at a roast for some coworkers.

She got a little, um, colorful with her speech and, as a result, has been disciplined by her employer.

The AP reports:

"Jacobson's speech included obscenities aimed at Notre Dame, with Irish football coach Charlie Weis in attendance.

An article in The Press of Atlantic City the next day said that Jacobson 'made an absolute fool of herself, swilling vodka from a Belvedere bottle, mumbling along and cursing like a sailor as Mike & Mike rested their heads in their hands in embarrassment.' She was booed off the stage."

That's HOT! She's my new hero, I love her. That's totally somethin' I'd do!

Shit, she's stuck behind a mic all day, on the radio, where no one can see her trick ass, or her big teefs! She was just enjoying bein' seen out in public, drinkin' like a fish on ESPN's dime, sheesh! Havin' a few drinky-drinks, chillin'. Big whoop.

She was suspended one week.

Score One For the Blogger

A judge ruled Wednesday that Perez Hilton is entitled to upwards of $85,000 to pay legal costs in a lawsuit filed by D.J. Samantha Ronson.

"Samantha Ronson, who sued Hilton last year, was a passenger in (Lindsay) Lohan's car when it crashed into a tree in Beverly Hills in May. She sued Hilton for repeating on his website a report from another site stating that she planted cocaine that was found in Lohan's car," reports MSN.com.



Say whatcha want about Perez Hilton, but he's workin' on buildin' an empire for himself, and we're all contributing to it.

85 Gs?!?! That'll buy a lot o' Pinkberry & blue hair dye. Keep doin' yo thang, P-Nasty!

No Visitation For Mommy Dearest

At least until after the next scheduled hearing slated for Feb. 19.


You know that psycho won't show up for that one either. When will the courts finally wise up and quit givin' that bitch any more chances? Lock her up & throw away the key!


Oh wait, scratch that. I need Brit news 24/7 and I can't get that if she's gettin' special celebrity treatment rottin' away in the clink.

I Need A Life...

In a bad way.

Yes, I'm actually sittin' here watchin' TMZ's live video stream outside the courthouse in L.A.

This freak has been on camera for about 20 minutes now.


I'm watchin' because K-Fed's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is supposed to address the media soon. I *thought* he was gonna give some big speech about 20 minutes ago but instead I'm stuck sittin' here watchin' Pepe Le Pew wearin' a fuckin' Barbie house on his damn head!

All the dramz went down today with Brit's custody hearing. K-Dad showed up on time, as did the emergency medical workers who responded to her crazy-filled house Jan. 3 (they had to testify).

Miz Spears herself was supposed to appear and testify (at the advisement of her lawyers) but she showed up about 4 hours late, made a poor attempt to enter the courthouse, was "scared" by the paps (riiiiight) and left about 20 minutes later.


She proceeded to go to a church, sit down for a few minutes, leave again, and then go to lunch. What a fuckin' whack-job.

Where are the men in white jumpsuits with the butterfly nets?! They need to swoop in, abduct her ass like an alien spaceship and ship her off to Timbuktu!

Oh who'm I kiddin'? What would my life be without this hillbilly in it!?