OK, Folks, Here We Go - Fantasy Football!

My only 3 fans have emailed me wantin' more, more, more. Just like little newborns who want to suckle every half hour. Dayum! I'm doin' the best I can!

Between the realization that my Braves are the worst team in baseball (65 wins as of today, so pretty much true) and back-to-school craziness, and work, and soccer and every other parental stressor, I've been MIA. For that, I apologize to you faithful fans. Both of you.

I can honestly say that I haven't watched an entire Braves game in about 2 months (it's bad, folks) but the fantasy football bug has sure as hell bit the shit outta me.

Last year I had 1 team -- this year I have 11. Obsess much?

Needless to say, I can't give you the blow-by-blow on every player that I own, but let's just say that after week one, it ain't lookin' too pretty.

I did have a few wins last week, but I don't think I even have a .500 record between all those teams of mine. Sad, sad.

LaDainian Tomlinson was a let-down. Willis McGahee = nothin'. Chester The Molester Taylor was pitiful. Kellen Winslow, Santonio Holmes, terrible, terrible.

I'm lookin' forward to my match-up this week with my private league's commish. She talks a lotta shit 'cause she's got Romolicious, but I'm rollin' the dice with Jay Cutler this time around. Screw Eli Manning!!



I have no idea who that bitch is, but I did an image search for fantasy football and there she was. You're welcome, Marky Mark. I'm sure she has a great personality, is really smart, and knows a lot about football. Mmm-hmm. I'm convinced of it.

Anyboobs, if you're managing fantasy teams this year, good luck, bitches!!

Nothing To See Here

I've been out of it for a few days, lambs. "Down in the dumps", as MeMe would say. Feelin' just BLAH.

Since I've last posted, Manny became a Dodger, Brett became a Jet, the Braves are 9.5 games out of first..and most grievously, our beloved Skip Caray passed, taking my childhood and most of adulthood with him.

Suffice it to say, those last two happenings have just about done me in. I feel like my head's not on straight (like, when has it *ever* been on straight, right??)

I'll pop back on the blog soon, I hope. Just too much goin' on right now to crank out a quality post.

So Long, Tex...So Long, 2008 Season

(photo: Steve Mitchell, US Presswire)

It's now old news that Mark Teixeira was traded by the Atlanta Braves to the Los Angeles California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim for 1B Casey Kotchman & P Stephen Marek.

Can't say I'm thrilled about it, but I also wasn't happy when Edgar Renteria was signed a coupla years ago. He eventually became one of "my boys" and I was sad to see him leave.

It takes me a while to warm up to new players on my team. What can I say, I'm a bitch. (hush yer mouth)

I'm really gonna miss Tex's switch hitting skills -- and his glove! Homegirl's defense is sick! Gonna be hard to replace that aspect of his game.

Tex was quoted as saying, "I thought I'd be here (in Atlanta) the rest of my career."

I call bullshit.

I understand his ties to the area, but he knew comin' here last July that Frankie Wren & Co. was never gonna pay him the kinda dollaz that Scott Boras demands. We don't have bottomless pockets like the Red Sox, the Yankees, yaddy yaddy. Tex seems like a great guy, but there's somethin' to be said about havin' a ruthless snake of an agent like Borass!


Now, on to the annihilation of the "2008 Season of Shoulda Coulda Wouldas":



Prior to Tex packin' his bags, the Braves packed its season, jumped in the terrlit and flushed.

I was so nervous about the weekend series with the Phillies that I couldn't even blog about it beforehand. Friday's game had me feelin' hopeful, but, again, I couldn't blog it. I just couldn't jinx us.

Turns out, they didn't need my help...

Saturday's debacle was excruciating. The oh-so-hyped resurrection of Mike "I'm Made of Paper" Hampton, the 6-run lead, the coming-alive of our flaccid offense...things were lookin' good!

But, what happened? Oh yea, Royce Ring & Blaine Boyer happened. (Yes, I know they weren't the *only* players at fault, but I'm blamin' 'em 'cause I can't stand 'em!)

If we thought Saturday was rough, we had no idea what was in store for us mere hours later...

Sunday brought torrential downpours and another horrid freak show of bullpen prowess (eye roll). The pitching *again* managed to blow a huge lead and we bit it. Hard.

We soooo needed to (at least) take 2-3 from the Phils. Or sweep! But there's no fire in this team. Finally manage to score a shit-load of runs in a series and still hand it over to the opposition. Pretty sure the Phils and their fans are laughin' at us. Oh, and Mets and their fans, too.

Monday saw the St. Louis Cardinals fly into town for a 4-game set, and the Cards brought a coupla ass whoopin's with 'em.

What I thought was funny about last night's game was the fact that Ryan Ray Franklin got the win for Saint Loo-ee. Believe it or not, I dated dude waaaaaaay back in the day! HA! Crazy, huh?! I digress...

So as it stands now, the Braves are 49-57, 8.5 games behind the Mets.

Chipper Jones, Tim Hudson, John Smoltz, Manny Acosta, Pete Moylan, Tom Glavine & Matt Diaz are all on the shelf and Brian McCann's melon is busted so he's outta the lineup, too!

Sigh.......It's been one helluva season, ladies. One helluva season.

Thankfully, Jair Jurrjens takes to the hill tonight. JJ's one of only a few bright spots starring in this tragic comedy.

And one final note: MoonKween's '08-'09 fantasy football draft is Aug. 15!! WOOT!!

Let's take a walk down memory lane to last year's crappy season, shall we?

Ya Just Can't Make This Up

Some crazy 15-year-old boy in Georgia was charged with four counts of sexual battery for biting or grabbing the buttocks of at least 10 women at the Lovejoy Wal-Mart, and more charges are expected.

"(Police Capt. Greg) Dickens said complaints of rear-end assaults at the store began in August and continued throughout May."

He was recognized & confronted by an ass-bitin' victim who saw him walkin' with relatives.

Could you *imagine*?!?!?!

"Uh, yea, I was tryin' me on some White Stag slacks o'vr'der in the big girl's section and yo' nephew her' jumped out 'da rack & bit my ass! Dayum!"

I'm pretty sure it was one'a these twats below. They look like the ample-butt-bitin' types. Shit, they'll give *anybody* a camera phone these days.




Although these pre-pubescent tools are questionable...I'm thinkin' they shoulda been in the men's Wrangler department. Pre-Brett Favre Wranglers, that is.

His ass is MINE!



I am offended! I have a big, juicy ass AND I was born in a Wal-Mart. I think somebody needs to change The Constitution or somethin'! My Rights have been violated in some way, shape or form....I'm just sure of it!

I'm gonna sue some teenage douche! SUE! SUE! I'M SUIN'!!!!

Call A Tugboat, Bitches!

Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested last night in Texas for "boating while intoxicated" and resisting arrest.

Homegirl got his ass squirted with pepper spray by the popos, too!! Dayum!

"When Benson did not pass the test, he presented himself as a threat to the officer and argued about whether or not he would be taken to land to have a follow-up field sobriety test performed on land and refused to put on a life jacket," the authority said in a statement.

The officer had to use pepper spray to subdue Benson. He then refused to leave the officer's boat and authorities had to drag him to a car to be taken to the Travis County jail, the authority said.

When are these bitches gonna learn? Benson shoulda called Roscoe Parrish for a ride home!

You shouldn't drink & drive OR drink & boat!

Seahawks To Alexander: Sayonara!

Holy shit! Shaun Alexander was released today by the Seattle Seahawks, barely 2 years after signing an 8-year $62,000,000 contract. That's 62 MILLION dollars, kiddies!



Why the hell couldn't I have been born clairvoyant? Last summer I kept him as one of 2 franchise players for my fantasy football team?!

If I'd seen with my 3rd eye that he was gonna be all geriatric and either sit his broke-down ass on the sidelines and then eventually play with a cast on said geriatric ass, I wouldn't've taken this ho.

(And we won't even TALK about the dramz with my "other" franchise dude...let's not go there.)

Just 3 seasons ago, Alexander was the league MVP with 1,880 rushing yards and a record 28 touchdowns. The last 2 seasons combined, pepaw only had 12 TDs.

Alexander should use his free time to start some athletic and/or educational programs for under-privileged youth. Oh, he already has, say you? Well does he need any help?

I hear Frank Thomas' fossilized, outta work, has-been, dried up ass needs somethin' to do with hizself.

Hot Tub Full O' Herp & Some Chick Wearin' A Flag

Since I've been outta the loop for a while, I did miss the news of Matt Leinart & Nick Lachey(!?) boozin' & sluttin' it up with some dirrty skeezers in Arizona.


Hey, I ain't hatin'!!!


(WTF is that chicky poo with NL wearin'?!? What country is that from?!)

It's the off-season, Matt. I say make as many bastard babies as you can, dude!

And as for Nick....well, he's just happy he's gettin' press. Whatever it takes, I guess.

Randy Jackson Is Dumb

This man is in the music business (allegedly), so he should've *known* that Kristy Lee Cook's version of Journey's "Faithfully" WAS a country song -- Lorrie Morgan did it back in the day. And KILLED it.

After Kristy performed the song on tonight's American Idol show, Randy said somethin' like "I loved that country twist. That could be a country song." DUH!

Miz Morgan BLEW. IT. UP. forever ago so it ain't like that classic hasn't been recorded in a country twang. Dayum DAWG, I thought you knew!

When I was in junior high, I was such a country music fan (yea, I know). One night, I caught Lorrie performin' a live show on TV. I taped it and watched the hell out of it!

That was the first time I saw her do Faithfully and it stayed with me. I didn't realized that she had actually put it on her Something In Red album in 1991, although I liked the live version better than the studio version. (I still say her Leave the Light On album was the best she's ever done.)

Anyhoo, dumb-dumb Randy carried on like it was the first time he'd heard Faithfully done in a country fashion -- and Kristy just went with it. You KNOW her stoopid ass was thinkin' "Who's Steve Perry? I was doin' the Lorrie Morgan version from the beginnin'!"

But then again, this is the same man who thought Michael Johns sounded like Michael Hutchence after Johns' performance of "Don't You (Forget About Me)" from Simple Minds on Tuesday night. I thought Hutchence was the INXS dude that offed himself eons ago! When did he sing lead for Simple Minds?

Personally, I'm thinkin' Johns sounds too much like Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam. But that's just my ear talkin'.

It might be time for Randy to hang up his Dawg Pound. Dude's losin' it.

And here's one of my faves from Miz Morgan, totally rockin' the cockatoo do, banana clip & Princeton sweatshirt.

Oh, and 'member back when she was robbin' Troy Aikman's cradle? haha!

Call A Cab, Bitches!

Buffalo Bills receiver Roscoe Parrish was popped for DUI early yesterday morning.

Um, yea, nothin' says "blend right in" like drivin' a Bentley down the highway at 4:30 in the mornin'...good grief!

He shoulda picked up the Yellow Pages and let his fingers do the walkin'. Or his legs. Either way, he woulda stayed outta the pokey.

When are these hos gonna learn?

4 Days & Counting

Pitchers & catchers report to spring training on Valentine's Day, while position players report Feb. 19. So the more geeked I get about the start-up of the 2008 MLB season, the more baseball posts you'll see here at the Kastle.

In my trollin' the 'net for all things baseball, I came across this nice little piece from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution's Furman Bisher. He gives a well-written overview of the Braves' pitching situation (Mike Hampton included, of course) and our perceived question marks for various positions, i.e. Mark Kotsay replacin' Andruw Jones in CF, Yunel Escobar becomin' our starting SS after losin' Edgar Renteria.

But I have to give the "Dan Dierdorf Award" to the AJC's Dave O'Brien for his "10 keys to success for the Braves in 2008." You know how Dierdorf was famous for stating the obvious when he was in the booth for Monday Night Football back in the day? (For example, something to the effect of, "the Rams have *got* to convert on 4th down if they want to get a fresh set of downs.") Well, O'Brien pretty much does the same thing in this story.

We know we have to keep our starters healthy. We know we have to keep Chipper "I'm Made of Glass" Jones off the DL. We know we need a strong, steady bullpen with an established closer. We know we need Kotsay to not play like shit. Duh!

I digress...

I'm a little excited about Javy Lopez signing a minor league contract with the club and being invited to spring training. If he makes it, it'll be good to see him in a Braves uniform again. Or out of one...



Since I've segued into shirtless baseball players, can someone tell me who the hell was behind THIS photo shoot?!?!



Apparently, back in the 90s, Sports Illustrated did a story on shortstops. For some reason, dudes took off their shirts. This is bothersome.

Derek Jeter probably came up with the idea because he loves himself so much, and A-Rod went along with it just so he could see Jeter topless. But I can't believe Rents agreed to do this shit!

This One Should Be In The Loonie Bin, Too!

Hells bells!

Move over Delta, Justin, Kim & Britney.

This crazy dude who was denied a liquor license had planned to "shed the blood of the innocent" in an "econopolitical confrontation" at the Super Bowl February 3.

Reportedly, Kurt William Havelock, 35, drove around with an assault rifle and 200 rounds of ammo plannin' to shoot random peeps during pre-game activities because "no one destroys my dream."

For God's sake, dude, it was a LIQUOR LICENSE for a HALLOWEEN-THEMED RESTAURANT named DRUNKENSTEIN'S in TEMPE, ARIZONA, not a kidney!

You are not Susan Lucci with 19 Daytime Emmy nominations and no wins! Miz Lucci never planned a shoot-out on the red carpet of the Daytime Emmys cuz she lost year after year after year after year after year after year...(you get the idea).




Thankfully, Havelock turned himself in and is being held without bail.

Hogs Gettin' A New QB?

The Associated Press is reporting that the Arkansas Razorbacks could be gettin' a new quarterback for the '08 season.

Former Michigan QB, Ryan Mallett (along with his fam and UofA), is filing a waiver with the NCAA to allow him to play immediately, rather than sittin' out a year to become eligible.



We all know that the Razorbacks' passin' game ain't worth a shit (don't let the Aug. '07 story fool ya -- the passin' game is still a steamin' pile, the '07 season didn't improve that any...), and Darren McFadden & Felix Jones have both decided to leave college ball for the greener pastures of the NFL draft, so where does all of this leave the Hogs offense?

I need to hear from The Huns on this one...A-Hun, where are ya, sister?

Casey Dick will be a senior next year, but how could this new turn of events regardin' Mallett change the face of the offense for the Hogs down the road?

Giants Win! Giants Win! Giants Win!

After a nail-bitin' 4th quarter that eventually saw Eli Manning make THE. BEST. PLAY. EVER., the Giants took the lead 17-14 with less than a minute remaining in the game and held on to win Super Bowl XLII.

Dude was makin' me so nervous, throwin' the ball up in the middle of the field for anybody to bring down. Gettin' forced outta the pocket and havin' to scramble his ass off. I didn't think he'd pull it off. I thought he'd either fumble the ball away or throw an INT to basically end the game.

That play Eli made when he (somehow!) avoided the sack and connected with David Tyree was UNBELIVEABLE!! Tyree caught the ball between one hand and his *helmet!* and managed to hang on for the biggest first-down of his career.

I can't wait to see the replays of that online later! Awesome!!! They'll be talkin' about that play for *years*!! Lovez it!

TIKI WHO?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Muahahahahaha

I'm pretty sure this officially makes Eli a "leader" now.

Poor Jiz. She's Jessica #2. Wah Wah Wah

Super Bowl Experience Thusfar....

We're about 11 minutes into the 3rd quarter of the big dance and, so far, it's been an OK game. At least Eli's not gettin' blown out. Boo, Brady, Boo!!

And of course they've already shown Jiz in the suite, cheerin' on her butt boy. And Jim Carey & Jenny McCarthy in their suite. And Pambo Anderson in her suite. Why the hell is she there? Did she take her boys to the game, too? Where the hell are her boys? Someone should issue an Amber Alert for Dylan & Brandon Lee, for realz!

I didn't care for the half-time show. Tom freakin' Petty & the freakin' Heartbreakers?! Gimme a break! Was Jesus busy tonight? I mean, Tom's about the same age as Jesus, right?

I coulda watched that shit on Vh1 Classic.

Anyhoobs, a few of the commercials are pretty entertaining. I loved the Thrillicious dancin' lizards. I rewound my TiVo a few times to watch that crazy shit over & over. I loved the one who farted fire! No, not Naomi Campbell, that hot-ass lizard. That was funny shit.



At least I get to occasionally see my lover, Joe Buck. Mmmmm. Love that hot piece!

He was in a Pepsi Max commercial for a minute:



I'm off to watch more game action & mediocre commercials.

More later....peas out!

I'm So Bummed....

Computer's back up & runnin' (my 2 fans, MeMe & Papa, will be pleased) but I'm so sad to report that Paula Abdul will *not* be performin' live at the Super Bowl pre-game show tonight. So not happy!!!!!

It's pre-taped! I've been ROBBED!!!



Her pill-poppin' ass is the only reason I was tunin' in to the pre-game show. God dammit!!

Ugh! I've been watchin' American Idol this season so far and I swear to the Good Lord above, that bitch ain't been lucid ONE. SINGLE. EPISODE.

Her ass is practically layin' on the table, face-down, as per usual. Why do they put up with her ass? If that was ME, I would've been kicked to the curb a long time ago.

What city were they in when Paula's plane was late? Omaha, I think? Did ya see her f*cked up ass try to walk into the building after her plane landed? Jesus Christ!! She must've thought her plane landed on Mars!! She staggered into that joint like Paris Hilton at the pre-Super Bowl 944 magazine party.

Paula thought she OWNED the place. She couldn't put together a coherent sentence, let alone walk a straight line! I loved it!

Crap. Now, all I have to look forward to tomorrow is gettin' drunk. Oh well.....if I must.

She Was Just Gettin' The Party Started, That's All

What's the big deal, ESPN?



Dana Jacobson is this hot bitch on ESPN radio who co-hosts a morning show called "ESPN First Take". Apparently she had a *tiny bit* too much to drink a coupla weeks ago at a roast for some coworkers.

She got a little, um, colorful with her speech and, as a result, has been disciplined by her employer.

The AP reports:

"Jacobson's speech included obscenities aimed at Notre Dame, with Irish football coach Charlie Weis in attendance.

An article in The Press of Atlantic City the next day said that Jacobson 'made an absolute fool of herself, swilling vodka from a Belvedere bottle, mumbling along and cursing like a sailor as Mike & Mike rested their heads in their hands in embarrassment.' She was booed off the stage."

That's HOT! She's my new hero, I love her. That's totally somethin' I'd do!

Shit, she's stuck behind a mic all day, on the radio, where no one can see her trick ass, or her big teefs! She was just enjoying bein' seen out in public, drinkin' like a fish on ESPN's dime, sheesh! Havin' a few drinky-drinks, chillin'. Big whoop.

She was suspended one week.

Well Crap!

(Pepaw deserves another ring!)

I was really lookin' forward to a Favre-Brady Showdown in the Super Bowl, with the Packers winning of course. I love me some Brett Favre!

Now I have to root for Eli "I'm not my brother Peyton" Manning in the SB because I hate Tom Brady.

And it *would* be cool to have brothers win back-to-back Super Bowls. I don't think that's ever happened before, right?

Besides, if Lil' Bro wins the big game, that'll shut Tiki up forever! Muahahaha


(Tiki in SI '02)

If ya think about it, we'll ALL be winners on Super Bowl Sunday because of this! Yee Haw!!!

When his football career's over, Mr. Jiz Bundchen can continue to whore out that shitteous cologne. Stetson's a good name for it cuz it smells like horse piss.

And just because it's funny as hell, here's Eli imbibing in the nectar of the God's a few years back. Never mind the skank in the shot with him....

GO GIANTS!!!!!

My Favorite Match-Up of the Season

Eli Manning and his New York Giants will brave the elements tonight as they roll into Lambeau Field to take on Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers.

I think the weather will play a huge factor (for the Giants) in tonight's game. Lambeau is Favre's House and he loves this shit! Eli on the other hand might not be able to shake the puss and pull out a victory.


(Hottest pepaw to play the game)

(The winning team goes to the Super Bowl where Paula Abdul is said to be performing at half-time. Those poor bastards will be in the locker room when that hot mess hits the stage. That's so unfortch! They're gonna miss the performance of a *lifetime*!)

A -13 windchill at kick-off won't bode well for NY tonight. And that's fine with me. I'm pissed at Eli anyway. That bitch didn't do a damn thang for my fantasy team this year and now he's on the cusp of a Super Bowl trip?! I don't think so. Kick his ass, BF!!!

Eli's even makin' his lady freeze her ass off to support him in the stands. That's aiight, I'm sure the thought of spendin' all his money will help keep her warm. That would be my motivation. But I'm a greedy ho. Benjamins'll do that to a gal.



Oh yea, there's another game today, too. Yawn. If anyone cares about Mr. Jiz Bundchen, he hopes to keep his New England Patriots undefeated by disposing of the visiting San Diego Chargers.

They won't have it as bad as the folks at Lambeau, though. It'll feel like a balmy 11 degrees at Gillette Stadium for the 3 p.m. kick-off. Luckies.

Lie To Me! PLEASE PageSix, Lie To Me!

If this actually happens at Super Bowl XLII (Feb. 3), I will denounce the sport forever!

PageSix.com is reportin' that Paula Abdul WILL perform during the half-time show. Holy Mary Mother of God.



And that's not even the worst part of the story. Megan Lynn posts that "Fox will have Ryan Seacrest host the event, interviewing celeb sport fans on a "red carpet," before Paula takes the stage."

Have mercy on my soul.

First of all, football is a manly sport. Fat, sweaty behemoths hittin', kickin' & cussin' one another. And that's just in the stands.

There is no room (I repeat, NO ROOM) for Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat at the fuckin' Super Bowl! What the hell would this mess sing?! Bitch ain't had a hit record since 1912 or some shit.



Reportedly, she'll be joined by Randy "Welcome To the Dawg Pound, That Was Hot!" Jackson for a rendition of "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow".

If I have to watch that shit, there *will* be no tomorrow for me.

$20 she warbles "Rush, Rush"!! Now THAT's a half-time show, bitches!!!!!

Thanks For The Memories

Arkansas Razorback star running-back, and consecutive two-time Heisman Trophy runner-up, Darren McFadden announced today that he won't return to UofA for his senior year: he's entering the NFL draft, bitches!



Aw, mannnn! I figured he'd enter the draft but the confirmation is still sad to hear :-(

Dang! I'm convinced he woulda won the trophy next year! Oh well, on to bigger & better things. And by bigger & better I mean the shittiest team in the league... The Dolphins should have the first pick in the draft so it's likely he'll be wearin' that retina-searing, shiteous teal & orange.

And with Felix Jones also thumbin' his nose at the Razorbacks to enter the draft, what the hell's this team gonna be like next year? It's bad enough the Hogs haven't had a passing game in *years*! With Jones & DMc gone, it's gonna look like Fayetteville High School's playin' at Razorback Stadium!

Oh well, all good things must come to an end, right? Shit!