Seahawks To Alexander: Sayonara!

Holy shit! Shaun Alexander was released today by the Seattle Seahawks, barely 2 years after signing an 8-year $62,000,000 contract. That's 62 MILLION dollars, kiddies!



Why the hell couldn't I have been born clairvoyant? Last summer I kept him as one of 2 franchise players for my fantasy football team?!

If I'd seen with my 3rd eye that he was gonna be all geriatric and either sit his broke-down ass on the sidelines and then eventually play with a cast on said geriatric ass, I wouldn't've taken this ho.

(And we won't even TALK about the dramz with my "other" franchise dude...let's not go there.)

Just 3 seasons ago, Alexander was the league MVP with 1,880 rushing yards and a record 28 touchdowns. The last 2 seasons combined, pepaw only had 12 TDs.

Alexander should use his free time to start some athletic and/or educational programs for under-privileged youth. Oh, he already has, say you? Well does he need any help?

I hear Frank Thomas' fossilized, outta work, has-been, dried up ass needs somethin' to do with hizself.

GD, I SUCK...

...big time. Here I thought I was gonna dominate most of the season, with the exception of the Tom Brady-, Peyton Manning-, Brett Favre-, LaDainian Tomlinson-havers. Here I sat with Chad Johnson, Shaun Alexander, Eli Manning (yea, OK, so he's no big brother, but shit! It was the best I could do in the 7th round....NOBODY takes QBs in the first 6 rounds, dammit!) and DeAngelo "Brown Sugar" Williams.

I barely recognize my team now. It's been decimated by injury, bye weeks and complete suck-assedness. Who'd'a thought that my two franchise players, Johnson & Alexander, would be averagin' 11.6 and 7.5 yards/game, respectively? What the fuck!?

So Alexander's 30-years-old? Big damn deal! Emmitt Smith's old, Dancin' with the Stars ass retired at 35 and was still killin' it! Shit, he had 9 touchdowns that year (2004)! SA's only got 2 TDs all 2007 season........in weeks 1 & 2. It's now week 10. DAYUM!

This was what my team looked like at the end of Monday, Oct. 29, 2007:

• Eli "I'm Not My Brother" Manning - 10 points (fuckin' Wembley Stadium and your spotted dick...whatever the hell that is. Who the hell's idea was it to play in London anyway?!)
• DeAngelo "Brown Sugar" Williams - 4 points
• Reuben "Studdard" Droughns - 3 points
• Chad "I Should Be Better on Paper" Johnson - 5 points (fuckin' TJ Who'sYa'Momma)
• Dennis "Who?" Northcutt - 1 point
• Donald Driver..........................................................................................I can't even go on, it's too depressing

I'm goin' to watch QVC.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME (fantasy) FOOTBALL?!

Yes, ladies & germs, I have joined my first ever fantasy football league.

I've been a baseball girl my whole life so I've had many a fantasy baseball team, but I was recently invited to join a girls-only football league. I thought to myself, "What the heck, I've never played fantasy football, and maybe I'll make a few friends along the way..." (Although I typically hate women. But that's another story for another time...).

Anyhoo, I was told well in advance that the live draft was basically gonna be a booze-fest. Perfect. An even better reason to join up.

Twelve crazy-ass hos holed up in a garage for 5 hours drinkin', smokin', eatin', cussin' like sailors...and tryin' our damndest to put together the best team (as you know, it's difficult to make good decisions after 8 beers and 27 jello shots...think Britney & Jason Alexander).

Some of us came into the draft having done our homework: printouts of stat sheets, news & notes, expert analysis, blah, blah, blah. Others, however, had the followin' gameplans:

• "I'm takin' Tony Romo -- he's datin' Carrie Underwood"
• "Jason Sehorn's not playin' anymore?! -- he's married to Angie Harmon, ya know?"
• "I'm takin' Tom Brady cuz he's fiiiiine! By the way, has that Bridget chick had his baby yet?"

And then there was the (more than) occasional pause in draft action due to conversations such as:

• "Sinorice Moss? Yea, umm, I think that's Randy's brother"
• "Ooooh, Matt Hasselbeck, YUM! He's married to Elizabeth, right? Or is that Tim Hasselbeck? When's their baby due anyway?"
• "I'm takin' Plaxico Burress...I LOVE that name!"
• "Alge Crumpler?! Who the hell would name their baby Alge!? Poor child..."
• "Jerricho CROTCHery?!"

Men don't talk shit like that when they're draftin', do they?

And it was no big thang to yell out "you BITCH!" after the ho next to ya took your next pick before you. Such was the case when Alge went before I could nab him -- yes, I admit, I just wanted him because of his name. I can't even tell ya if he's any good or not. And I coulda swore homegirl was gettin' a bit long in the toof, but when I looked him up (it's called research, people!) he's a year younger than ME! Ouch!

Anyhoo, I admit, I had more fun than Michael Vick on Pitbull Adoption Day at the dog pound. As the witching hour dawned, six of us headed out to the bar (with a DD, of course) and had a grand ol' time. There was a band, we rocked out, we had more beers....we were basically a bunch of drunk slutty bar hos. We loved it!

So here's my team: (oh, and my team name is.........wait for it.........wait for it........ Tig Ol' Bitties HAHA! Loves it! Hey, what would you expect from a league named "What'd'ya Think of These?")

• Eli "Don't Call Me Peyton" Manning
• Shaun Alexander
• Ronnie Brown (that's James's nephew, right?)
• Donald Driver
• Chad Johnson
• Deion Branch (Michelle's dad?)
• Jason Witten
• Olindo Mare
• DeAngelo Williams (dud'n't he sing "Brown Sugar"?)
• J.P. Losman (who? oh well, he's kinda cute with bedhead)
• Michael Turner (Tina's baby...)
• Brandon Jones
• David Martin
• Mike Bell
• Najeh Davenport (cuz I love the name...bitch still look like Predator, or did he shave that shit off?)
• Chris Chelios Martin Gramatica
• Titans D
• Pats D

I couldn't tell ya who's gonna be in my starting lineup...I just hope these hos win Momma some money!

In keepin' with the football spirit, here's a pic of Matt Leinart:

I'm postin' it because it's the only time I've ever seen him lookin' like a hot piece. (I've never thought he was much worth lookin' at.) He always seems to be fightin' the hotness. I knew he had it in him...

And, oh, by the way, Sinorice's bro is Santana, not Randy (it's called research, people!).