Manny The Marlin?

Reports are circulating that the Red Sox, Marlins & Pirates are working on a 3-way "blockbuster" trade that would land Manny Ramirez in Miami (for 2 months), Jeremy Hermida in Pittsburgh and Jason Bay in Boston.

Florida's Josh Willingham may also get shifted, but nothing's confirmed.

What a strange twist of fate for Manny Being Mouthy. He would go from perennial sell-out Fenway Park with an annual average attendance of 36,000+ to Dolphin Stadium where the average 2008 attendance is less than half that -- 15,463.

Granted, having the 2-month rental of this dingleberry would probably greatly improve attendance for the Marlins, thus skewing attendance results for eternity. But the Fish *are* involved in a pennant race, so one would hope that fans would head out to support their hometown team.

The Marlins are only 1.5 games out of first place with a big Philly series opening on Aug. 5 and the Mets 3 days later.

Lots o' baseball left, lambs. Anything can happen!

I'm A Fan!

I found this foolio on the ajc message boards and two days in a row, he's posted *the* most inspirational song lyrics.

Because of this ho, I feel like I can go on. Seriously.

I hope P. Rose posts new ditties every day until spring training '09!


By P. Rose
July 29 2:51 p.m., to the tune of Nirvana's "Teen Spirit":

Smells Like Team Quit It
Load up young guns
Please, Frank Wren!
It sucks to lose and rarely win
This team is lower than a turd
(I know, I know a dirty word)
Hello, hello - HOW LOW??
Without Chipper, we’re less dangerous
Let the tool race entertain us
Ticket prices are outrageous
Let the big cow entertain us
Gregor Blanco? A mosquito!
Martin Prado? No libido! Yeah!
It’s good to get this off my chest
And for this blog I feel blessed
Our little team has always been
Contenders up until the end
Hello, hello - HOW LOW??
Without Hudson, we’re less dangerous
Let the kiss cam entertain us
Cause the beer price is outrageous
Let the cap thing entertain us
Gregor Blanco? Too petite-o!
Martin Prado? Bean Burrito! Yeah!
And I forget just why I came
A parking place is hard to find
Unless I want to walk a mile
Oh well, whatever, nevermind
Hello, hello - HOW LOW??
With Mike Hampton, we’re less dangerous
Let the tool race entertain us
And the losing is contagious
Let the big cow entertain us
Gregor Blanco? Holy sheet-o!
Martin Prado? We concede-o!
In denial! In denial! In denial!


By P. Rose
July 30 11:20 a.m., to the tune of The Beatles (or Boyz II Men, dependin' on yer musical style) "Yesterday":

Yesterday by Angels general manager Tony Reagins
Yesterday Mark Teixeira seemed so far away
Now it looks as though he’s here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday
Suddenly The Braves ain’t half the team they used to be
They’re so wussy now they sit to pee
Oh I believe in yesterday
Why they have to blow I don’t know, they wouldn’t say
They’re screwed up the shaft ‘specially after yesterday
Yesterday Mark Teixeira seemed so far away
Then Atlanta gave their balls away
Oh I believe in yesterday
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

VIVE LE P. ROSE!!!

Admit it, he gets points for creativity and for tryin' to find funny in this club's heinous season.

Phils Option Myers To Triple-A

I'm a firm believer in karma. I understand that whole "what goes around comes around" crapola.

As far as I'm concerned (which ain't a lot) Brett Myers being demoted to the minor leagues was pure karma, baby!

Back in the spring, Wife Beater pulled this little "prank" on fellow Phillies pitcher Kyle Kendrick. If you don't have time to watch the video, here's a run-down: funny man Myers tells Kendrick that he's been traded to Japan's Yomiuri Giants for a player named Kobayashi Iwamura. MLB players can't be traded to Japan but poor KK didn't know that. Huge, elaborate joke. KK's freakin' out. Blahzay, blahzay.

Here's what I think is so great: Kendrick is 8-3 this season. He's 8-3 and Wife Beater is 3-9.

(On a sad note, Kendrick's 8th win came against my less-than-stellar Atlanta Braves tonight. Boo hoo.)

Myers is just one more "established" pitcher to find himself schleppin' it in the minors this season. Say hi to Dontrelle for us!

But I will say this: I commend Myers for not choking, punching, slapping, pummeling or beating anyone in his organization (or his wife!) upon makin' the decision to go down.

Perfect Show To Watch Following A Horrible Braves Loss

I've got one word for ya, people: Wipeout

Wipeout premiered last night on ABC, just in time to bring some much-needed laughter to my life and It. Was. HIGHlarious!

Admittedly, I couldn't watch it "live" because The Spawn's all-star game was last night, so I had to DVR it. I was completely pooped when I got home (it's been a long couple of weeks), so I just washed my face, brushed my teeth and hit the sheets.

Feeling completely shitty about another crushing Braves loss (I promise, for once, this won't be a Braves bashing post. I'll put my fingers on lockdown mode and just focus on the show), I had planned to watch another 20-year-old Golden Girls episode (don't judge!) but instead, I turned on Wipeout.

Within 2 minutes I was laughin' hysterically. Not just laughin', I'm talkin' full-on wheezin' & snortin'!

Naturally, The Spawn came in & chewed me out for startin' the show without him so I had to rewind it. I'm glad he did, 'cause it was even sweeter the 2nd time around, I'm tellin' ya!

We laid there and laughed *so* hard. I think I peed a little.

Here's why the show is perfect summer fun:
You've got great hosts in John Anderson (ESPN's SportsCenter) and John Henson (comedian -- He hosted Talk Soup waaaaay back in the day, and I think I've seen him doin' stuff on vh1...I can't remember, but it's not important. Just know that he's funny).

You've got 24 contestants to start the game. Naturally, the hosts ("The Johns", as they shall henceforth be known) make fun of pretty much all of 'em as they're racin' through the first obstacle course (think Mystery Science Theater 3000 with The Johns as Joel Robinson, Crow and Tom Servo). Most of the contestants don't even make it past the first 5 minutes of the show, at which time they're cast back to whatever podunk town from which they came.

A bunch of losers go home at the end of round one, with the winners advancin' to the next round of obstacles. A few rounds of weedin' out the riff-raff and the last 4 standin' go on to the final obstacle course, The Wipeout Zone.

Just when you think it's all complete hilarity, you realize that you're secretly *rooting* for a favorite! So while you may still be peein' your pants due to the physical catastrophes before your eyes, in a way, you start gettin' serious about it...like you have somethin' ridin' on this insane gameshow.

The person with the fastest time through The Wipeout Zone is deemed the winner and takes home $50,000.

Bottom line, it's great fun and if nothin' else, it'll take your mind off of how crappy *your* team may be playin' at the moment. (See people, I didn't say one degrading word about the Braves...I kept my promise!)



How can you NOT love a game with obstacles such as "The Dreadmill", "Dizzy Dummy" and "Dirty Balls"?!?!

You can watch the premier of Wipeout here. I dare ya not to laugh!

God, I Miss The South

I was born & raised in the south. I *heart* the south.

I miss the south like Prince Fielder misses his tax payments.

I'm here to tell ya, southeners not only have the gift of gab, but they also have a way with words.

My case in point, these ever so eloquent fans discussing Atlanta Braves baseball on the AJC message boards:

"Don’t get me started on Tex. How come no one on this team is taking a cue from Chipper at the plate? These guys are getting the same pitches to hit and they are whiffing on them. Professional baseball players my left butt cheek! They play worse than the whole UGA College Baseball Team!"

"Delighted to see JoJo continue to grow as a major league pitcher and the return of Mike. Sorry to continue to beat a dead horse but Francoeur sucks. Maybe touching himself so often puts him in a lull. Didn’t his folks teach him that a boy doesn’t do that in public?"

"Gonzo is the first Brave I have seen this year with the “Closer Mentality”. EVERY other Brave pitcher’s butthole drawed up if they walked to the mound in a close situation."

A big thank you goes out to these mo fo's for giving me the biggest fuckin' laugh I've had in a long time! Yes, I live a sad, serious life. Don't judge.

'Butthole drawed up"....someone's MeMe needs to wash his mouth out with soap!

They still do that in the south, bitches!

Ain't that right, MeMe?

And to drive home my point even further, let's revisit classics from Julia & Suzanne Sugarbaker:

Ya Just Can't Make This Up

Some crazy 15-year-old boy in Georgia was charged with four counts of sexual battery for biting or grabbing the buttocks of at least 10 women at the Lovejoy Wal-Mart, and more charges are expected.

"(Police Capt. Greg) Dickens said complaints of rear-end assaults at the store began in August and continued throughout May."

He was recognized & confronted by an ass-bitin' victim who saw him walkin' with relatives.

Could you *imagine*?!?!?!

"Uh, yea, I was tryin' me on some White Stag slacks o'vr'der in the big girl's section and yo' nephew her' jumped out 'da rack & bit my ass! Dayum!"

I'm pretty sure it was one'a these twats below. They look like the ample-butt-bitin' types. Shit, they'll give *anybody* a camera phone these days.




Although these pre-pubescent tools are questionable...I'm thinkin' they shoulda been in the men's Wrangler department. Pre-Brett Favre Wranglers, that is.

His ass is MINE!



I am offended! I have a big, juicy ass AND I was born in a Wal-Mart. I think somebody needs to change The Constitution or somethin'! My Rights have been violated in some way, shape or form....I'm just sure of it!

I'm gonna sue some teenage douche! SUE! SUE! I'M SUIN'!!!!

He's Still Around??

I had to do a double-take when I saw this headline:

"Reds place Mercker on 15-DL"

I thought maybe they were referrin' to a potential Spawn in the minors or somethin'. Surely he's got kids old enough to play baseball, right?

Nope, they were talkin' about the real deal -- *THE* hot ho otherwise known as Kent Mercker (Atlanta Braves 1989-1995, 2003)!



I mean, this dude's been pitchin' since Jesus was a baby! I had no idea he was still in the bigs. Way to go, Pepaw!!

Anyhoobs, Kent's got lower back pain, on the DL retro to May 6. Probably arthritis....just a hunch.

I'd be surprised if his back *didn't* hurt -- dude's like, 93!

"Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!" -- Lloyd Christmas, Dumb & Dumber

Can I Get One Of These In Coors Light?

He is my kinda dude!

Hot piece Bill Bramanti of South Chicago Heights, IL, poses next to his custom Pabst Blue Ribbon beer coffin. Sa-WEET!

Read more, but why bother? That pic says it all...

Still Another Rocket Scandal

So Roger Clemens couldn't keep the needle outta his ass OR his winky in his pants!

If Debbie wasn't beatin' Rog's ass over this little morsel from a few days ago, she probably will be after this one!

Mindy McCready may not have been the only whore in The Rocket's life. A new report has surfaced alleging that he also "had a relationship" with John Daly's ex-wife, Paulette Dean Daly.


(Paulette Daly with trophy husband, John)

I'm sure Clemens looked like quite the gem after you'd been married to this no-shirt-wearin', bare-footed, beer-bellied, chain-smokin' hillbilly slob.



(Mostest awesomest golf news clip. Ever!)

But I must admit ('cause I'm a hillbilly, too) that his hat's pretty damn hot! GO HOGS!

And what the hell is cutie-pie news dude talkin' about, "this is an unbelievably gorgeous course"?!?! He must've already had his beer goggles on. Had he been hittin' the sauce a little too early in the day? Fairways at Daly's Murder Rock Golf Club in Branson, MO, look like the damn Arizona desert! I think I saw a prickly cactus.

If baby thinks that course is sexy, he should get a load'a me at Hank's Honky Tonk at 1:30 a.m. on a Wednesday. He'll be wantin' to marry a bitch!

I've always liked John Daly. Wanna know why? Homegirl just Don't. Give. A. Fuck. He's like "Yea, I'm backwoods. So what? Yea, I'm big-boned. So what? Yea, I'm a boozehound. So what? Eff you." I like that in a man.

Way hotter than Roger Freakin' Clemens! That pussy.

"Don't underestimate the fat man." -- "Golfer" John Daly, 2008

Oh, and a big "howdy, pard'ner" to Johnny Lee hittin' the links in that vid!

I Heart Pierre

Awww. This melts my cold black heart.

Pierre, the African Penguin who lives at the California Academy of Sciences in San Francisco, has lost his waterproof feathers that keeps him warm in cold waters.

The scientists at the CAS felt bad for the little guy so they created a wetsuit that Pierre can wear while playin' with his homies in the tank.



The 25-year-old flightless, aquatic bird has lost so many of his feathers that his pink hiney has become exposed, making it uncomfortable for him to swim in the chilly water.

"We were really excited to do it," said Teo Tertel, marketing specialist aOceanic Worldwide, who are one of the biggest manufacturers of wetsuits worldwide. "We heard most of these penguins only live to 20, and our little buddy there was already 25. Anything we could do to help them, we were all for it."

With the help of the wetsuit that he's been wearing for the last several weeks, he's been able to frolic with the other hotties, he's gained some weight and some of his feathers have even begun to grow back. He's now able to take short dips in the tank without the suit.

Pimp!

Click here to see more pictures of the hot piece, Pierre.

Fellas, Start Your Engines

This is your lucky day, boys!

Australian researchers have found that men who masturbated more than 5 times a week were 1/3 less likely to develop prostate cancer.

So don't think of it as chokin' the chicken, think of it as...."cancer prevention"! Break out the K-Y and GO. TO. TOWN.

Do it for your health! Viva la Prostate!

Just Another Saturday Night For Me

Those silly, back-stabbin' Russians.


(Mikhail Baryshnikov, Russian ballet dancer, not associated with this story whatsoever, but he's the only Russian I know.)

Some dude got shit-faced, argued with his drinkin' buddy, passed out, was stabbed by said drinkin' buddy at the factory where they worked, rode the bus home, ate a honkin' breakfast, then passed out (again) with the knife still buried in his back.

Wha???!?!?!?! Does the factory know these booze hounds were imbibing while OTJ?

Oh, what am I sayin'? They probably work at the STOLI factory. Errbody's slobberin' drunk, everyday of the week.

Besides, bein'-stabbed-with-a-knife-then-passin'-out-totally-unawares...that's kid stuff! That's happened to me too many times to count.

That is some serious shit. Those Russians don't fuck around.

Turbo Tax & Ping Pong Balls

Holy crap! This is awesome!

Pro skateboarder Billy Marks appears in this youtube video tossin', bouncin' & ricochetin' ping pong balls into red beer cups (c'mon, you know that's what those cups are for!) and it ROX!



Who gives 2 shits about Turbo Tax?! I wasn't even listening to that part -- it's all about the ballz, baby!

He's Overjoyed...You Can Tell, Right??

AWK-WARD!

In the finale of Bravo's Make Me a Supermodel last night, the models received visits from loved-ones after 3 months of being apart.

Ben's wifey, April, was the first to show up at the apartment and Ben looked (and acted) like he'd rather be takin' a dump than sittin' around with her!

WTF?! You haven't seen this woman in 12 (TWELVE!) weeks, dude!!



Maybe he really is secretly in love with Ronnie. Maybe hangin' out with his sobby, weepy spouse made him realize that he has no interest in dealin' with the complexities of the fairer sex.

At least BRONNIE would never have to overcome PMS or pregnancy hormones in their romanticalness.

Amanda, Perry's ex?-girlfriend, showed up, much to his surprise. He wanted to talk thru some thangs but homegirl wasn't havin' it. She bawled & hugged & "I love you"d & kissed & tap-danced around his questions like she was afraid of divulgin' too much info in front of the cameras. Didn't wanna come off lookin' like a skank.

Girlfriend, PLEEZ!

You know you love the spotlight! If you didn't, you wouldn't've been photographed with Adnoid Ghaleeeeeeeeeeb!

Btw, cute little Holly won:

Hot Tub Full O' Herp & Some Chick Wearin' A Flag

Since I've been outta the loop for a while, I did miss the news of Matt Leinart & Nick Lachey(!?) boozin' & sluttin' it up with some dirrty skeezers in Arizona.


Hey, I ain't hatin'!!!


(WTF is that chicky poo with NL wearin'?!? What country is that from?!)

It's the off-season, Matt. I say make as many bastard babies as you can, dude!

And as for Nick....well, he's just happy he's gettin' press. Whatever it takes, I guess.

Spring Training, Here I Come!

I want to apologize for being so lax with the postin' this week. A million & one things to do.

I'm tryin' to wrap shit up at work, make my packin' list for the trip, stay on top of the Spawn to get his homework finished/turned in (his little mind is also startin' to drift towards warm, sunny Florida so I can't blame him...), get my Wally World shoppin' list straight, hit the tanning salon regularly (which I absolutely abhor), blah blah blah.

Oh, and while I'm keepin' all those balls in the air (teehee), I'm also tryin' to avoid gettin' the fuckin' Black Plague that seems to have the entire country in its gnarled death grip!

These bitches up in here BET NOT give me their SARS right before I leave for a 2-week trip! I've been sick while on vacay before and shit ain't cute. Trust!

I'm really hopin' I'll get to post while I'm down there, but it's lookin' pretty slim. Get this shit: our resort doesn't have wireless in the buildings! They say we can spend $25/week ($50 total!)to use the WiFi in the main lobby (like, out in the open, in front of Jesus & er'body!), or we have to use the dial up.

Dial up?! What the hell is that?! That's like, soooo 1990s! Sheesh! And besides, Momma needs her privacy!

Anyhoo, here are a few random tidbits from the mind of the Kween:

• Mike Hampton's back on the mound (simulation only)
• I'll be the crazy bitch at the Braves game on March 20. I apologize for anything that may or may not happen while I'm in attendance
• I've upped my usual fantasy baseball leagues from 1 to 3 (I'm sure I'll suck in all 3 and embarrass myself, as per usual)
• Christian "Ferocia Coutura" Siriano is our new Project Runway winner
• American Idol is pretty spiffy this season (although David "Gay Stripper Hotness" Hernandez just got the boot! What the...?! Who the fuck is votin' for Kristy Lee Cook? Go play with your PS2s (or *yourselves*) you horny 15-year-old boys! My new obsession is Jason Castro anyway....)
• Brit Brit's all "normal" & shit now -- bah, BORING!
• Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson are "canoodling" onset. zzzzzzzzz
• The Yankees & Devil Rays are already kickin' the shit out of each other (literally) and throwin' 'bows. Love the dramz! Oh, and how *key-yute* is Jonny Gomes!?!?!
• Fuggie Fug & Josh Duhamel are still engaged, I guess. Crap.
• And for all you pervy people all over the world who find your way to the Kastle by way of a "Jeremy Roloff hot" Google search, here he is. And, I'm not certain, but there may be a coupla Jonas Brothers in that photo, too:
  
  
  

P.S. -- Stay strong, Papa! Love you!

Scott Boras Is A Little Bitch...

...According to Gary Sheffield.

Thursday mornin', Sheff accused Scott Boras of bein' a "bad person" because he's a money-grubbin' ho.

Excuse my ignorance, but, DUH! That's why he represents all y'all greedy bitches!

If I was a greedy slut I'd be a 'bad person', too. I'd swiftly sign myself up to rake yo' ass over the coals for as long as I could!

Naturally, I'm a Sheffield fan because he's a former Atlanta Braves player and I secretly *want* to root for his ass (so it's by association), but since he's currently playin' for my husband's team (and my mortal nemesis by default), the Detroit Tigers, I don't give a rat's hairy ass about him anymore!

OK, maybe I'm not so much a Sheff fan. The fucker.

He's just tryin' to get his old-ass Pepaw mug in the paper these days.

Kiss it, Gary Sheffield! Kiss it!

I'm irritated, so just read the damn story already!

This Has It All

Did y'all watch the Project Runway reunion last night?!?! It was great!

I can't stand Carmen! She was sheddin' the tears of Satan.

But please watch this clip for the following reasons:

• The beauty of Chris March, aka Dom DeLuise, cacklin' to beat the band
• Michael Kors laughin' hysterically at those WWE Diva whores
• Ferocia Coutura, aka My Girlfriend! She's "fiersssssss"!
• Mr. Kors lookin' like the lost member of Wham!

It's sheer beauty! Enjoy!

And just because.......you must must must fast forward to 7:20 of *this* vid to see a tribute to Ricky's bawlin' ass. It's fabo! But homegirl did NOT look happy about it!

Wonder who's gonna win!???

I can't wait to see New York Fashion Week on the next epi -- I wanna see if Rami tries to push more draped jersey down the catwalk, if Chris tries show huge drag costumes, if Christian creates more drama, if oatmeal-ass Jillian can keep folks AWAKE! She's so zzzzzzzzzzz Ugh!

Anyhoobs, I'm excited for the next 2 weeks, bitches!

Ferocia Coutura!

Happy Birthday, Blanche Devereaux!

That sexy woman, Rue McClanahan, turns 74 today.

Happy birthday, slut!



"I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo." -- Miz Blanche Devereaux

Brett Myers Would So Be On My List

And the Oscar goes to......

I never cared for Brett Myers, but after this, I'd kick his ass when no one was lookin'. Bitch better sleep with one eye open.

Myers was the "mastermind" behind a prank played on poor Kyle Kendrick of the Philadelphia Phillies. They broke the news to Kendrick that he'd been traded to a Japanese team for a player named Kobayashi Iwamura.

There *is* no player named Kobayashi Iwamura and MLB players can't be traded to Japan. Dayum!



The whole effin' world was in on this "joke" -- Phillies assistant GM Ruben Amaro Jr., manager Charlie Manuel, Kendrick's agent, the media.

Shit, even the traveling secretary was an accomplice! You know you're fucked when the traveling secretary is blazin' your ass! The dupe was complete with a fake "press conference" in the locker room.

Needless to say, the whole thing was caught on video and posted on youtube for the entire online world to see. In the video, Kendrick looks like he wants to fly across the table and choke Manuel to death.

Poor dude. I just wanna give him a hug.

Well, on the bright side, it looks like Myers has gotten past the whole "beatin' his wife's ass in public" incident. Way to go, Brett!

Oh, and great actin' jobs by everyone involved. I guess if Myers blows out his arm, he can always fall back on his thespian endeavors.