Ya Just Can't Make This Up

Some crazy 15-year-old boy in Georgia was charged with four counts of sexual battery for biting or grabbing the buttocks of at least 10 women at the Lovejoy Wal-Mart, and more charges are expected.

"(Police Capt. Greg) Dickens said complaints of rear-end assaults at the store began in August and continued throughout May."

He was recognized & confronted by an ass-bitin' victim who saw him walkin' with relatives.

Could you *imagine*?!?!?!

"Uh, yea, I was tryin' me on some White Stag slacks o'vr'der in the big girl's section and yo' nephew her' jumped out 'da rack & bit my ass! Dayum!"

I'm pretty sure it was one'a these twats below. They look like the ample-butt-bitin' types. Shit, they'll give *anybody* a camera phone these days.




Although these pre-pubescent tools are questionable...I'm thinkin' they shoulda been in the men's Wrangler department. Pre-Brett Favre Wranglers, that is.

His ass is MINE!



I am offended! I have a big, juicy ass AND I was born in a Wal-Mart. I think somebody needs to change The Constitution or somethin'! My Rights have been violated in some way, shape or form....I'm just sure of it!

I'm gonna sue some teenage douche! SUE! SUE! I'M SUIN'!!!!

How Do You Say "NASTY!!!!" In Greek?

OMG!

A 9-year old girl in Athens, Greece, went to the hospital with severe stomach pains and it turns out...she was carrying the embryo of her twin in there!

NAST!!!!



Says the story: "Andreas Markou, head of the hospital's pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.

Markou said cases where one of a set of twins absorbs the other in the womb occurs in one of 500,000 live births."

So is that, like, a parasitic twin? Conjoined twins? Siamese twins? Hell, I don't know.

Kinda sad. But still "ewwww"-inducing.

Reminds me of that scene in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Professor Quirrell unwraps his head, turns around, and there's Voldemort's maggoty lookin' face! Gross!!

Anyhoobs, let's take a trip down memory lane and visit Lori & Dori/Reba/George Schappell, the oldest living conjoined twins in the world. Dori changed her name to Reba, then last year, she changed it to George. Ummm, whatever.

Muy caliente!!




Funny, she's got Amy Winehouse face.

Braves Release Spiezio

The Atlanta Braves released Scott Spiezio yesterday after he arrived at the AAA Richmond Braves game "unprepared to play".

"We had an agreement with Scott," Braves GM Frank Wren said. "There were three things we asked him to do: No. 1 is to continue his aftercare, which included testing, No. 2, that he attend AA [meetings] and No. 3 he would show up at the park every day ready to play. And yesterday he was not ready to play."

HUH?!?! I need more information about this!!

Unprepared to play? Did he forget his glove? Was he wearin' a tutu? Did he have a broken limb? Was he high? Drunk? I need details, people!!!

For Scott's sake, I hope he continues to get the off-field help he needs. Get well!

(But because I'm a nosey bitch, I still wanna hear the whole story......)



That's one tacky ass tattoo right there! That ho is all kinds of busted in the face. I'll let you decide which one I'm talkin' about.

Another Idiot In The Braves Organization

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust
Kick his ass to the curb, it is a must!

Ooh, ooh! Or how 'bout:

Roses are red, violets are blue
How many criminals can one team keep on its payroll?

Ok, enough with that mess.

The idiot in question here is 21-year-old Braves prospect Jordan Schafer. He tested positive for human growth hormone (HGH) and has been suspended for 50 games by the office of the commish, Bud Selig.




What a fuckin' dickhead! Here's this kid with every opportunity in the world, playin' for an organization in which other youngsters would *kill* to play, and he goes & fucks himself by purposely, KNOWINGLY usin' steroids.

This shit just pisses me off. Wonder *how* Schafer managed to move from No. 27 in the Braves ranks to No. 1...? Hmmm, lemme think.

And when MLB lets him back in the hallowed halls (cuz you know it will...), what message does that send to fans (and children)?!

I don't want his lyin', cheatin', stank ass on my team!

It's time this sport -- the greatest sport on earth -- gets some big fuckin' balls and says "Enough's enough!" already.

Pisses. Me. Off.

Hot Tub Full O' Herp & Some Chick Wearin' A Flag

Since I've been outta the loop for a while, I did miss the news of Matt Leinart & Nick Lachey(!?) boozin' & sluttin' it up with some dirrty skeezers in Arizona.


Hey, I ain't hatin'!!!


(WTF is that chicky poo with NL wearin'?!? What country is that from?!)

It's the off-season, Matt. I say make as many bastard babies as you can, dude!

And as for Nick....well, he's just happy he's gettin' press. Whatever it takes, I guess.

Note To Self:

Don't interrupt filmation of instructional golf videos!

These crazy golf hos don't fuck around!

"Pro golfer" Tripp Isenhour was allegedly tryin' to scare away a protected hawk that was makin' too much noise while he was filmin' an instructional video.

Isenhour took a shot (golf shot, that is) at the bird high up in a tree when he "accidentally" struck & killed it.

Isenhour is now facing criminal charges (of cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird) for the incident that took place on Dec. 12 in Orlando. He faces up to 14 months in jail and $1,500 in fines.

"About the sixth ball came very near the bird's head, and (Isenhour) was very excited that it was so close," Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Brian Baine wrote in a report.

What a fuckin' bloodthirsty, merciless brute this Isenhour is! Monster!

I sure as hell hope he doesn't have kids. God forbid the chirrens start actin' up while Daddy Dearest is watchin' The Legend of Bagger Vance! I shutter to think what would happen to 'em.

After Isenhour clunked the fowl with his ball from roughly 75 yard away, it fell from the tree, bleeding from both nostrils. The bird was buried at the golf course and later dug up by Florida investigators.

Cover up! Cover up!

Give him the chair, I say!! Fry his ass!!! Turn PETA loose on him for five minutes in a dark room! Where's Bob Barker when ya need him!? Yea, yea, get Bob "The Price Is Wrong, Bitch!" Barker on the case!



(The above is not an image of the actual crime victim.)

R.I.P., poor little birdie. Golf pun not intended.

That Don't Look Natural

The other day, I posted about how the world can't seem to get enough of Christina Aguilera's post-pregger boobies. My point was, "What's the big damn deal?"

Here she is takin' her puppies out for a walk, and in lookin' at her assets in the photo below, you'll notice two things:

1) Her shits are wonky
2) She got more blue veins than Estelle Getty



Now, as I've stated before, I've given birth (through the hoo-ha, thank you very much -- no C-Section cheatin' goin' on down there), and I've breastfed, so I can say this to you, Christina, mother to mother: Honey, please put 'em away 'til they're ready to be seen in public. When your chesticles look like a road map, they just ain't ready.

Those milk ducts are pushin' the implants hither & yon. Or vice versa.

That is not a breast shape found in nature. That shit looks painful!

Ouch!

Dayum! Those European footballers ain't no joke! Homies are straight up evil.

Birmingham City defender, Martin Taylor, made a leg-breaking tackle on Arsenal striker, Eduardo, in Saturday's Premier League match. A lot of people are claiming that the play was intentional and they're now calling for Taylor's head.

Well, not really, but you know how serious those soccer crazies are! Taylor better hire his ass some bodyguards, STAT! Those Arsenal fans could be out for blood.

Television stations refused to show replays of the gruesome tackle. I'm gonna post some photos below, so if ya don't wanna see 'em, don't scroll down. Not much blood, but still cringe-inducing.

Some have said that Taylor deserves a life ban from the sport for the "horror tackle". Hmm, they may be on to somethin' there.

Arsene Wenger was quoted as saying: "Taylor should never play again. People will say he is not the type of guy who does that. But it is like a guy who kills only once in his life. There is still a dead person."

Eduardo, 24, underwent surgery to repair the compound fracture of his fibula and tibia. It is uncertain when he will be able to return to the pitch, as his career may be over. Sad.

Tailor Made Was Sited...But For The Wrong Reason

Gatecrasher reports that George "Tailor Made" Weisgerber flipped off a cop in Chelsea last week and was slapped with a disorderly conduct summons.

Allegedly, Tailor Made also cussed out the po-po in front of nightclub Taj and jay-walked. Gasp! Jay-walked?! FELON!



It was denied that any cussin' took place; supposedly he "got swept up" in a separate disturbance outside a different club.

They shoulda locked his ass up & thrown away the key for playin' tonsil hockey with that hot manly mess, New York!

Shit, that's the *real* crime!

Little Georgie has a court date later this month.

Separated By A Cheap Pleather Jacket & A Brown Weave

Donna Mills circa 1984, is that you?

No, it's Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, lookin' like a 45-year-old ex-stripper addicted to Restylane and Merle Norman Total Finish cake foundation.

Not real sure who was in charge of Hannah's get-up for the Grammys on Sunday, but DAYUM!! Hopefully homegirl (or homeboy) is on her way back to her old job at Sally Beauty Supply.

Poor Miley looks like a blow-up doll.

I know you're all young & shit, Miley, so you may not know this, but "blow-up doll" is not a good look for the red carpet, sweetie.





Miley's only 15 years old!!!!! Shouldn't a 15-year-old have REAL EYEBROWS these days?!?! Shit!

And a trout-pout on a high school freshman is all kindsa not cute. If I could, I'd bitch-slap the highlights right off of Billy Ray's head for allowin' this to take place right under his surgically-enhanced nose!

Miley kinda looks like a flesh-colored balloon filled with sand...Sad.

File This One Under "DUH!"

The Associated Press reports that former Atlanta Braves reliever John Rocker admitted in a recent radio interview that he used steroids when he was with the Texas Rangers and Commish new about it.

"Bud Selig knew in the year 2000 John Rocker was taking the juice," the former pitcher said Monday of the baseball commissioner on Atlanta radio station 680. "Didn't do anything about it."

My mouth is agape. I am shocked. Astounded. Stunned. Absolutely blown-away!

I mean, who the hell talks about himself in third-person like that? Geesh.



Let's face it, is anyone really shocked that he was juiced up? Hell no!

I'd be more surprised if he wasn't on steroids. It would be a bigger shocker if he started crusadin' with Al Sharpton!

Save your angry emails, loyal readers. I know the POINT of the story was that Commish knew he was shootin' up. I'm over that. I just can't get over John Rocker talkin' about "John Rocker."

Who gives a shit about this cross-eyed asshole anymore?

Tell me why they even invited this douche on the air? Is the news world REALLY that slow in the ATL that a media outlet would scour the bottom of every pond in the south to drudge up his limp ass? Why would you give this leech airtime?

I'm disappointed in you, 680. Saddened.

This One Should Be In The Loonie Bin, Too!

Hells bells!

Move over Delta, Justin, Kim & Britney.

This crazy dude who was denied a liquor license had planned to "shed the blood of the innocent" in an "econopolitical confrontation" at the Super Bowl February 3.

Reportedly, Kurt William Havelock, 35, drove around with an assault rifle and 200 rounds of ammo plannin' to shoot random peeps during pre-game activities because "no one destroys my dream."

For God's sake, dude, it was a LIQUOR LICENSE for a HALLOWEEN-THEMED RESTAURANT named DRUNKENSTEIN'S in TEMPE, ARIZONA, not a kidney!

You are not Susan Lucci with 19 Daytime Emmy nominations and no wins! Miz Lucci never planned a shoot-out on the red carpet of the Daytime Emmys cuz she lost year after year after year after year after year after year...(you get the idea).




Thankfully, Havelock turned himself in and is being held without bail.

Pedro Martinez's Cock Ring Experience

Rooster, that is. Chicken. Fighting. Killing. Gross!

TMZ has obtained a video of Pedro Martinez cockfighting in the Domincan Rebulic with HOF'er Juan Marichal.

The "sport" is not illegal in the DR, but still sick in my opinion.

It's not known if Pedro owns (or perhaps owned) the bird, but he did release it into the ring and took part in chuckling & revelry in the audience as the cockfight continues.

Naturally, PETA's gettin' involved....

I never liked that asshole.

Of course, if he'll do this to pepaw Don Zimmer, it shouldn't surprise me that he'd release an innocent fowl into a pit of death.

What Is The Deal With These Fools?

Maybe it's because I'm an old, crusty broad, but I just don't see the appeal with the Jonas Brothers.



I can get with the "tween sensations" -- Hannah Montana, High School Musical, Suite Life of Zach & Cody, etc. Let's face it, I have a 9-year-old so the Disney Channel is 24/7 en mi casa.

And perhaps I was Miley Cyrus in a former life. Or a drag queen. Don't judge.

My point is, I've gone through photos upon photos of these twats on the internet (there are a million of 'em out there) and I can't find one single image where I think they look remotely cute.

Perez Hilton is, like, the Jonas Brothers' biggest fan, and I swear, he posts about 3 stories a day about 'em. I love me some PH, but here's one from the other day where P-Nasty talks about how their stylist should get a raise.

Huh? Their stylist should be shot! There's no way in hell I'd let my spawn walk around in public lookin' like that!

I don't know how you'd even describe their style: Like the Beatles meets the Monkees meets Oliver Twist. Whatever.

I absolutely hate -- I repeat, HATE -- skinny pants on dudes. Hate 'em on women, too, but sweet Jesus, how do these boys sit down in those damn pants!?!?!?! They must have small junk.


The one in the middle looks like Pat Benetar & Rick Springfield had a love child back in the day.


UGH!! Quit tryin' so effin' hard!!!


Menudo, anyone?


Again with the Oliver Twist/magician look!


God Bless America??? God bless those *scarves*!


That gray jacket looks like somethin' Mary Jo Shively (or Anthony Bouvier) woulda worn on Designing Women!

Is He Still Alive...?

"Rock of Love 2" premiers tonight (9 EST, Vh1) and I'm still in awe of the women (term used loosely) who sign up for this shit. First of all, it's a reality show. Second of all, it's Bret Freakin' Michaels, aka Fergie.



Is he really a catch? I'm not into long-haired rocker dudes who wear more eye makeup than I do, so I guess I just don't see the appeal. He's so not hot.

Dlisted summed up the new season best in this piece. Eloquent as always, MK!

You know I'm still gonna watch this trash, tho. I've already got my Tivo set!

I'm On Vacay, Bitches!

Sorry y'all! I'm on vacation until January 4, hangin' out with the fam, drinkin', playin' cards, shoppin' & eatin' too much. My kind of vacation!

There seems to be LOTS goin' on in Hollyweird and the Sports World these days so I'm hopin' I get to put my spin on it pretty soon. You *know* I always got shit to say!

Tailor Made & Tranny New York are engaged but he's (allegedly) cheatin' on her ass already, who's Jamie Lynn's baby daddy?, Fuggy Fug is gettin' married to that hot piece of man meat Josh Duhamel, Jennifer Aniston's (allegedly) knocked up, the Padres are gettin' screwed in the ass by payin' Mark Prior $1Millz for a year, Paris Hilton's gramps gave away all her inheritance, Jay-Z quit Def Jam, Mischa got arrested...it just goes on & on.

More to come from the Kween at a later date.

Hope Santy was good to ya & have a safe New Years Eve! Stay outta jail!

Phil Spector Runs Off At The Mouth

Good God Almighty. Somebody shoulda slapped this ho up before he had a chance to get started!

Fox News reports that Phil Spector, the felonious, murdering music producer, attended Ike Turner's funeral in LA on Friday and gave a little speechy speech. He had a few things to say about a lot of big-named folks, two of which were Miz Tina Turner and Oprah!

Oh snap!

Spector on Tina: "Ike made Tina the jewel she was. When I went to see Ike play at the Cinegrill in the '90s after his absurd reason for being sent to prison for no reason other than being a black man in America, there were at least, and I counted them, five Tina Turners on the stage performing that night, any one of them could have been Tina Turner."

Spector on Oprah: "And sell-out, whom you really love and respect but I have an ambivalence towards Oprah Winfrey. She made Tina Turner's book into a bestseller, which demonized and vilified Ike. The book wouldn't have sold 10 books. It was badly written. It was a piece of trash and because Oprah idolized Tina, she didn't feel it wrong to vilify a 'brother.'"

What the fuck does grandma know about bein' a black man in America?? I suppose he thinks O.J. went to prison for just bein' a black man in America, and not for allegedly (...yea right) stabbin' some folks to death?!

Spector also talked some shit about Eric Clapton: "Ike could play circles around Eric Clapton and Eric knew it. I had someone once ask me what's the difference between Ike Turner and Eric Clapton. I said, 'you don't know the difference between Eric Clapton and Ike Turner? That's funny, why don't you ask Eric, Eric knows.'"

Somebody shoulda unplugged homegirl's microphone! Why couldn't he have just gotten up there and given the typical funeral spiel "I'm sure gonna miss him, he was a great friend, he taught me everything I know about battery against women, blah, blah, blah..."

I guess he figures his career's over, everyone hates him, he's awaiting trial #2 (slated to start up September 2008), he looks like a shit shake......why not try to take everyone down with ya?!

What a crackhead!

Oh No He Di'n't!

This shit writes itself, people.

I couldn't make this up if I'd tried. Nor would I have wanted to be the journalist on this beat.


Surgeon in Hot Water After Photographing Patient's Tattooed Genitals

PHOENIX — A surgeon faces a disciplinary hearing for snapping a photo of a patient's tattooed genitals during an operation and showing it around to other doctors.

Mayo Clinic Hospital administrators said Dr. Adam Hansen, chief resident of general surgery, admitted taking the photo with his cell phone on Dec. 11. The tattoo on strip club owner Sean Dubowik's penis reads: "Hot Rod."

Hansen wasn't available for comment Tuesday and has been placed on administrative leave. He could face a range of punishment from probation to dismissal.

"Patient privacy is a serious matter, and photographing someone in this manner without a good reason is something we will investigate down to the last detail," said Dr. Joseph Sirven, education director for Mayo Clinic Arizona, the hospital's parent organization based in Scottsdale.

Dubowik said he got the tattoo on a bet and that "it was the most horrible thing I ever went though in my life."

He said he planned to contact an attorney.

"The longer I sit here the angrier I get," he said.


I wannna see some photos dammit!! How could you not run pictures with a story as incredible as this one?! Shitty journalism...

Introducing Mr. New York

My Favorite Tranny, New York (aka Tiffany Pollard), chose her, um, man tonight on the season finale: Tailor Made


Hot Piece, Mr. Tiffany Pollard

He proposed to her in the finale and she turned him down. She said maybe 24 months from now she'd consider bein' his husband wife. (He needs to divorce his original wifey first. This ain't Utah y'all.)


Although I'm pretty sure her dick is bigger than his, I'm happy for 'em. I didn't much care for Buddah.

I was rootin' for Midget Mac to go all the way. He knows that Midge-It-Su. Hi-YA!

Look at that mess. Looks like Baskin Robbins exploded all over his ass. Dayum!

Lucky for us, we didn't have to see much of Calibos in the finale. That hooker's uglier than a baboon's ass. And I know my way around a baboon's ass.

B-Nasty

Believe it or not, this is Britney drivin' around late last night, cell in hand, of course.

What the hell was she doin' before she jumped behind the wheel? Clawin' her way out of a shallow grave?!?! Those nails are NAST!

Bitch needs to save the $$$ she spends on Starbucks & Marlboros and buy herself a manicure. For realz!