Cougars 4 Cook

Ok, so I didn't vote for David "Hot Lips" Cook 473 times after last Tuesday's American Idol finale -- in fact, I never voted once this year...for anybody -- and I'm not a 40-something suburban soccer-mom, but it's obvious now that Fly Honey's fan base wasn't of the 15-year-old female persuasion.



"Cougars 4 Cook" had my future ex-husband's voting line on speed-dial, propelling him to victory by 12+ million votes over David "Zygote" Archuleta.


The AP writes: "Maybe it's his edgy-yet-mainstream appeal, sly grin, sparkling hazel eyes, facial scruff, love for crossword puzzles, love for his mom and brothers. Or perhaps it's the way he broke down in tears after his final performance..."


See, I'm not the only wrinkled old bag who's hot for his jock and his crossword puzzles.


He's just got that...thang about him. Ya know, that thang!


But it kinda makes me wonder, where were all the Cougars when Chris Daughtry got the boot a few years ago? Wasn't he supposed to be, like, *the* hottest? Don't get me wrong, Daughtry's done pretty damn well for himself since Idol, but I was kinda surprised that he didn't go further in the competition.


Oh well. I guess the Cougars just know what they like. And they luuurve Hot Lips.


Sigh.......Idol's over. Survivor's over. Grey's Anatomy's over. Brothers & Sisters is over.


If it weren't for baseball season to get me through the next four months, I would need therapy. Television therapy.


Side note: As of Memorial Day 2008, the Atlanta Braves are 27-23 & 2.5 games out of 1st.

David Cook Is Sensitive

Ya Just Can't Make This Up

Some crazy 15-year-old boy in Georgia was charged with four counts of sexual battery for biting or grabbing the buttocks of at least 10 women at the Lovejoy Wal-Mart, and more charges are expected.

"(Police Capt. Greg) Dickens said complaints of rear-end assaults at the store began in August and continued throughout May."

He was recognized & confronted by an ass-bitin' victim who saw him walkin' with relatives.

Could you *imagine*?!?!?!

"Uh, yea, I was tryin' me on some White Stag slacks o'vr'der in the big girl's section and yo' nephew her' jumped out 'da rack & bit my ass! Dayum!"

I'm pretty sure it was one'a these twats below. They look like the ample-butt-bitin' types. Shit, they'll give *anybody* a camera phone these days.




Although these pre-pubescent tools are questionable...I'm thinkin' they shoulda been in the men's Wrangler department. Pre-Brett Favre Wranglers, that is.

His ass is MINE!



I am offended! I have a big, juicy ass AND I was born in a Wal-Mart. I think somebody needs to change The Constitution or somethin'! My Rights have been violated in some way, shape or form....I'm just sure of it!

I'm gonna sue some teenage douche! SUE! SUE! I'M SUIN'!!!!

C'Mon Hot Lips!

I feel like dog barf. Probably look like it, too. Seriously.

You know it's bad when I don't feel like bloggin'...I always got shit to say.

I don't even feel like talkin' about my future-ex-husband, David "Hot Lips" Cook, possibly losing on the American Idol finale tonight.



You know David "Zygote" Archuleta's gonna take the crown. But that's fine with me...it's almost better if you *don't* win that shit. The runners-up seem to have more success than the winners.

And like I've said, I'll be the warm vagina, I mean, um, *shoulder*, that Hot Lips can cry on when the ballons & confetti come rainin' down on Zygote's head instead of his own.

Just An Observation

I told y'all bitches that attendance would climb with "David Cook Day" in Kansas City.

Attendance for the Royals' game on May 8 = 11,000
Attendance for David Cook Day on May 9th = 22,000

See, them MLB marketing hos know what they're doin'. When you book my future ex-husband, he makes magic happen.

Too bad he can't hit the road with my Braves to help with their many, many away-from-home woes. Sigh.

Ok, so the hot piece ain't a miracle worker.....the Royals lost 7-4 to the Baltimore Orioles on David Cook Day. :-(

That's alright. He's still got a warm bed waitin' for him in Michigan.

How Do You Say "NASTY!!!!" In Greek?

OMG!

A 9-year old girl in Athens, Greece, went to the hospital with severe stomach pains and it turns out...she was carrying the embryo of her twin in there!

NAST!!!!



Says the story: "Andreas Markou, head of the hospital's pediatric department, said the embryo was a formed fetus with a head, hair and eyes, but no brain or umbilical cord.

Markou said cases where one of a set of twins absorbs the other in the womb occurs in one of 500,000 live births."

So is that, like, a parasitic twin? Conjoined twins? Siamese twins? Hell, I don't know.

Kinda sad. But still "ewwww"-inducing.

Reminds me of that scene in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone when Professor Quirrell unwraps his head, turns around, and there's Voldemort's maggoty lookin' face! Gross!!

Anyhoobs, let's take a trip down memory lane and visit Lori & Dori/Reba/George Schappell, the oldest living conjoined twins in the world. Dori changed her name to Reba, then last year, she changed it to George. Ummm, whatever.

Muy caliente!!




Funny, she's got Amy Winehouse face.

He's Still Around??

I had to do a double-take when I saw this headline:

"Reds place Mercker on 15-DL"

I thought maybe they were referrin' to a potential Spawn in the minors or somethin'. Surely he's got kids old enough to play baseball, right?

Nope, they were talkin' about the real deal -- *THE* hot ho otherwise known as Kent Mercker (Atlanta Braves 1989-1995, 2003)!



I mean, this dude's been pitchin' since Jesus was a baby! I had no idea he was still in the bigs. Way to go, Pepaw!!

Anyhoobs, Kent's got lower back pain, on the DL retro to May 6. Probably arthritis....just a hunch.

I'd be surprised if his back *didn't* hurt -- dude's like, 93!

"Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!" -- Lloyd Christmas, Dumb & Dumber

Can I Get One Of These In Coors Light?

He is my kinda dude!

Hot piece Bill Bramanti of South Chicago Heights, IL, poses next to his custom Pabst Blue Ribbon beer coffin. Sa-WEET!

Read more, but why bother? That pic says it all...

Call A Tugboat, Bitches!

Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson was arrested last night in Texas for "boating while intoxicated" and resisting arrest.

Homegirl got his ass squirted with pepper spray by the popos, too!! Dayum!

"When Benson did not pass the test, he presented himself as a threat to the officer and argued about whether or not he would be taken to land to have a follow-up field sobriety test performed on land and refused to put on a life jacket," the authority said in a statement.

The officer had to use pepper spray to subdue Benson. He then refused to leave the officer's boat and authorities had to drag him to a car to be taken to the Travis County jail, the authority said.

When are these bitches gonna learn? Benson shoulda called Roscoe Parrish for a ride home!

You shouldn't drink & drive OR drink & boat!

Thanks For The Memories, Jules

Julio Franco announced his retirement from baseball Wednesday at the ripe ol' age of 112. No! He's really 49.

Yes, as in *almost* AARP age!

Here's what his career numbers look like. That list just goes on and on and on and on and...well, you get the idea:

He was an awesome clutch hitter, he'd do anything Bobby Cox asked him to do when he was with the Atlanta Braves and the players in the clubhouse really looked up to him.

A major league career batting average of .298 and 2,586 hits -- that ain't too shabby.

Julio César Robles Franco will be missed in the big leagues...

Even at the age of 111 48, when he last played for the Braves, homegirl was still built like a brick shithouse.

Putting Butts In Seats

The Kansas City Royals organization knows how to milk the hell out of a cash cow, and I love it.



Future American Idol 7 winner, and my future 2nd husband (yea, I said it), David Cook, will be the "guest of honor" at the May 9 Baltimore Orioles/Royals game at Kauffman Stadium.

But here's the catch: He has to live through the next round of voting and land in the top 3 for his Big Day to become reality. Umm, I don't think that'll be a problem, do you?

The Blue Springs, MO, native will get to throw out the first pitch, sing "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" during the stretch, and take part in play-by-play in the broadcast booth for a hot minute.

I guess when your stadium capacity is 40,785 but you only averaged 19,961 last season, you gotta do somethin' to get the American public to show up for your games. Me thinks havin' the hottest contestant on the biggest TV show makin' an appearance will put the asses in the seats.



And for shits & giggles, let's take a look at my man Elliott Yamin when he had his moment of glory at a gutter-butt Richmond Braves game a coupla years ago. Love him!!

Still Another Rocket Scandal

So Roger Clemens couldn't keep the needle outta his ass OR his winky in his pants!

If Debbie wasn't beatin' Rog's ass over this little morsel from a few days ago, she probably will be after this one!

Mindy McCready may not have been the only whore in The Rocket's life. A new report has surfaced alleging that he also "had a relationship" with John Daly's ex-wife, Paulette Dean Daly.


(Paulette Daly with trophy husband, John)

I'm sure Clemens looked like quite the gem after you'd been married to this no-shirt-wearin', bare-footed, beer-bellied, chain-smokin' hillbilly slob.



(Mostest awesomest golf news clip. Ever!)

But I must admit ('cause I'm a hillbilly, too) that his hat's pretty damn hot! GO HOGS!

And what the hell is cutie-pie news dude talkin' about, "this is an unbelievably gorgeous course"?!?! He must've already had his beer goggles on. Had he been hittin' the sauce a little too early in the day? Fairways at Daly's Murder Rock Golf Club in Branson, MO, look like the damn Arizona desert! I think I saw a prickly cactus.

If baby thinks that course is sexy, he should get a load'a me at Hank's Honky Tonk at 1:30 a.m. on a Wednesday. He'll be wantin' to marry a bitch!

I've always liked John Daly. Wanna know why? Homegirl just Don't. Give. A. Fuck. He's like "Yea, I'm backwoods. So what? Yea, I'm big-boned. So what? Yea, I'm a boozehound. So what? Eff you." I like that in a man.

Way hotter than Roger Freakin' Clemens! That pussy.

"Don't underestimate the fat man." -- "Golfer" John Daly, 2008

Oh, and a big "howdy, pard'ner" to Johnny Lee hittin' the links in that vid!