Junior Off To Chi-Town

Ken Griffey, Jr. has agreed to be traded from the Cincinnati Reds to the Chicago White Sox.

As a 10/5 player (10 years in the bigs, 5 with the same team), he had the right to thumb his nose as the Sox's offer. Griff's in his 9th season with the Red Legs.

Full deets forthcoming, but as it stands, he's going from 4th to 1st, so good for him! The White Sox lead the AL Central by 1.5 games. The down & out Reds are 7 games below .500 and 13.5 out in the NL Central race.

We'll see how the Sox shuffle the defense since they're already at full capacity in the outfield with Jermaine Dye & Carlos Quentin at the corners and Nick Swisher in center. Speculation is that Swisher would platoon with Paul Konerko. Nicky's only hittin' .230 with 15 HRs and 50 RBIs.

Griff would then man the CF spot, a position he hasn't played in 2 years.

Welcome back to the AL, Junior!

Are The Atlanta Braves Worthy Of My Affection?

I've asked myself this question numerous times over the past 20 or so years. Even at the pinnacle of the Braves' success in the 90s, at some point in every season, this team pisses me off.

Yes, we've endured heartbreak as fans of this team, but I get the feelin' this 2008 season will do us all in. This team will be the death of me.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I don't really even want to watch them anymore this season. I'm sick of all the bullshit:

• Will Mark Teixeira stay or go at the end of the season?
  
• Should Jeff Francoeur be benched for a while?
  
• Is Kelly Johnson a true lead-off hitter?
  
• Is Yunel Escobar a true lead-off hitter?
  
• Will we get a slugging outfielder to help with our hitting woes?
  
• Do we need a couple more (reliable) arms in the bullpen?
  
• Will we acquire another (reliable, established) starter for our rotation?
  
• Why is it that this team can't play good, sound, fundamental baseball?
  
• How many more years will pass before Mike Hampton pitches again?
  
• Was Mark Kotsay a mistake? (Although, Joey Devine - the player we traded to Oakland for Kotsay - has been on the DL since the end of May so he ain't exactly helpin' his team either.)
  
• Does Bobby Cox need to hang it up? Is he senile? Why oh why does he make the decisions that he makes?
  
• Why the hell is Blaine Boyer in the majors? Moreso, why the hell is he on my team?
  
• How many games out of first place will we be come September 1?
  
• How many games under .500 will we be come September 1?

I think I summed up my love for the Braves in my first blog post ever. But now I'm not really feelin' 'em. I'm tired of gettin' beat down night after night.

They need to light a fire under their asses. All of 'em! The one time (all season) that I've seen life on the field was on June 18 when the gorgeous & talented Mike Gonzalez came out with guns a'blazin' and got his first save in over a year. He was on FIRE! He was pumped! It was great...



But the rest of this team plays like shit. It's like they're all in a coma.

Oh, and I'm pretty convinced that June 18 was the last time the Braves won a game. (sarcasm)

So I think I'd have more fun gettin' my choch Brazilian waxed than watchin' these hos get swept by the Phillies. Sigh.

Shit, who'm'I kiddin'? I'll be watchin' tonight. It's that whole abusive boyfriend thing...I love him as much as I hate him.

He's Still Around??

I had to do a double-take when I saw this headline:

"Reds place Mercker on 15-DL"

I thought maybe they were referrin' to a potential Spawn in the minors or somethin'. Surely he's got kids old enough to play baseball, right?

Nope, they were talkin' about the real deal -- *THE* hot ho otherwise known as Kent Mercker (Atlanta Braves 1989-1995, 2003)!



I mean, this dude's been pitchin' since Jesus was a baby! I had no idea he was still in the bigs. Way to go, Pepaw!!

Anyhoobs, Kent's got lower back pain, on the DL retro to May 6. Probably arthritis....just a hunch.

I'd be surprised if his back *didn't* hurt -- dude's like, 93!

"Hey, I guess they're right. Senior citizens, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. I'll be right back. Don't you go dying on me!" -- Lloyd Christmas, Dumb & Dumber

Can I Get One Of These In Coors Light?

He is my kinda dude!

Hot piece Bill Bramanti of South Chicago Heights, IL, poses next to his custom Pabst Blue Ribbon beer coffin. Sa-WEET!

Read more, but why bother? That pic says it all...

Thanks For The Memories, Jules

Julio Franco announced his retirement from baseball Wednesday at the ripe ol' age of 112. No! He's really 49.

Yes, as in *almost* AARP age!

Here's what his career numbers look like. That list just goes on and on and on and on and...well, you get the idea:

He was an awesome clutch hitter, he'd do anything Bobby Cox asked him to do when he was with the Atlanta Braves and the players in the clubhouse really looked up to him.

A major league career batting average of .298 and 2,586 hits -- that ain't too shabby.

Julio César Robles Franco will be missed in the big leagues...

Even at the age of 111 48, when he last played for the Braves, homegirl was still built like a brick shithouse.

Seahawks To Alexander: Sayonara!

Holy shit! Shaun Alexander was released today by the Seattle Seahawks, barely 2 years after signing an 8-year $62,000,000 contract. That's 62 MILLION dollars, kiddies!



Why the hell couldn't I have been born clairvoyant? Last summer I kept him as one of 2 franchise players for my fantasy football team?!

If I'd seen with my 3rd eye that he was gonna be all geriatric and either sit his broke-down ass on the sidelines and then eventually play with a cast on said geriatric ass, I wouldn't've taken this ho.

(And we won't even TALK about the dramz with my "other" franchise dude...let's not go there.)

Just 3 seasons ago, Alexander was the league MVP with 1,880 rushing yards and a record 28 touchdowns. The last 2 seasons combined, pepaw only had 12 TDs.

Alexander should use his free time to start some athletic and/or educational programs for under-privileged youth. Oh, he already has, say you? Well does he need any help?

I hear Frank Thomas' fossilized, outta work, has-been, dried up ass needs somethin' to do with hizself.

Save The Dinosaur: Frank Thomas Out Of A Job!

Toronto Blue Jays DH Frank Thomas ran his mouth on Saturday after he was benched in favor of Matt Stairs.

On Sunday, Thomas was released by the team. DRAMZ!

"I'm angry, I know I can help this team. My career isn't going to end like this," he said before Saturday's game.

He refused to shake hands with his teammates following the Jays' win over the Detroit Tigers and hit the road early without talking to reporters.

Manager John Gibbons had told pepaw that he'd ride the pine a lot more this season because he needs more production from the slugger. Thomas was hitting .167 with three homers and 11 RBIs in 60 ABs.

Blogger's note: How can a guy produce if his ass is on the bench, Mister Manager? M'just sayin'.

Thomas was pissed because he thought the team was tryin' to screw him out of $10 millionz. His option for 2009 kicks in only if he achieves 376 at-bats in 2008. Obviously, if he's not in the lineup, he ain't battin'. Oh snap!

GM J.P. Ricciardi told Peter Gammons that pepaw's release was "by mutual consent...handled with class." Mmm hmm.

By the way, Stairs went 2-for-3 with an intentional walk Saturday.

Glavine Leaves Game After 16 Pitches

Tom Glavine was escorted off the field by trainer Jeff Porter Sunday afternoon in D.C. Maybe he tweaked his back or his hip....unknown if it's serious, if he'll miss any time, etc.


He was probably embarrassed that after 16 pitches, the bases were loaded with 1 out and the Nats had already pushed one across. Oh, and Yuniel Escobar misplayed a ball to allow runners to advance. Ugly.


I hope Tommy Boy's alright. Our starters have looked pretty damn good so far this season (combined ERA of the entire pitching staff -- including our ever so shaky bullpen -- is 3.97.....not shabby). I'd hate to see TG put on the shelf at his "advanced age".

Story developing......


I'll keep watchin' the game for an update on his condition and, lemme tell ya, it's quite a sacrifice on my part. The game's bein' televised on MASN (the Nats' home station) which means I have to listed to Don Sutton's annoying, white-curly-poodle-headed, know-it-all ass!! I can't freakin' STAND him! He bugged the shit outta me when he was on TBS, and I rejoiced when he left. Now he's haunting me when the Braves are on the road! Ugh!

Bust Out The Pepaw Sweaters, Y'All

In honor of the late Mr. Rogers' birthday, March 20 has been heralded "Sweater Day".



The AP reports that "Sweater Day" is the capstone to a six-day celebration planned by Family Communications Inc. of Pittsburgh. Rogers created the company to produce his show.

6 days?!?! Dayum! That's like Mardi Gras or somethin'!

Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood was the shit back in the day! I loved the Land of Make Believe and those crazy-ass handpuppets of royalty.

For the love of everything Holy, people, Mr. McFeely has asked you to wear a sweater! Do it, dammit!

Vive la Mr. Rogers sweater!

Scott Boras Is A Little Bitch...

...According to Gary Sheffield.

Thursday mornin', Sheff accused Scott Boras of bein' a "bad person" because he's a money-grubbin' ho.

Excuse my ignorance, but, DUH! That's why he represents all y'all greedy bitches!

If I was a greedy slut I'd be a 'bad person', too. I'd swiftly sign myself up to rake yo' ass over the coals for as long as I could!

Naturally, I'm a Sheffield fan because he's a former Atlanta Braves player and I secretly *want* to root for his ass (so it's by association), but since he's currently playin' for my husband's team (and my mortal nemesis by default), the Detroit Tigers, I don't give a rat's hairy ass about him anymore!

OK, maybe I'm not so much a Sheff fan. The fucker.

He's just tryin' to get his old-ass Pepaw mug in the paper these days.

Kiss it, Gary Sheffield! Kiss it!

I'm irritated, so just read the damn story already!

R.I.P. Sign Man

Karl Ehrhardt died Thursday at the age of 83. He was famous for being the "sign man" at Shea Stadium from 1964 to 1981.

Ehrhardt held up custom-made signs at New York Mets home games to "vocalize" his happiness or displeasure with the team. He was awesome!

Only the Mets 1969 World Series victory left him speechless. The sign he raised high after the last out of the WS game read, "There Are No Words."

I consider myself to be an Atlanta Braves fan "my entire life," with the exception of when I lived in southern California for a few years and idolized Robin Roberts. She has nothing to do with this story, by the way...

For some odd reason, I was a Mets fan the entire time I lived in Cali, only attending Los Angeles Dodgers games when the Mets came to town. I was so die-hard with the Mets that I would turn down invitations to Disneyland & Knotts Berry Farm to stay home and tape Mets games ('tape', as in "record". With a VCR. How ghetto! I would actually tape the game as I watched it so I could watch it again later!)

I made gay-ass signs that referenced Mookie Wilson and Darryl Strawberry and took them to Dodgers home games as a 13-year-old, zit-faced kid in hopes that the Mets players would ask me to sit in the dugout with them. Why didn't someone slap me silly back then? I was obviously obsessed & livin' in a dream world.

Sign Man was way before my time as a Mets fan, but he was loved nonetheless.

In memory of Sign Man, Karl Ehrhardt...

He was probably thrilled that the Mets signed Johan Santana.

Pedro Martinez's Cock Ring Experience

Rooster, that is. Chicken. Fighting. Killing. Gross!

TMZ has obtained a video of Pedro Martinez cockfighting in the Domincan Rebulic with HOF'er Juan Marichal.

The "sport" is not illegal in the DR, but still sick in my opinion.

It's not known if Pedro owns (or perhaps owned) the bird, but he did release it into the ring and took part in chuckling & revelry in the audience as the cockfight continues.

Naturally, PETA's gettin' involved....

I never liked that asshole.

Of course, if he'll do this to pepaw Don Zimmer, it shouldn't surprise me that he'd release an innocent fowl into a pit of death.

Mattingly's Wife Arrested

Don Mattingly recently resigned as the Los Angeles Dodgers hitting coach due to "family reasons" and now I'm sure we all know that 'family reason' is his crazed woman!

His estranged wife, Kim, was arrested Feb. 2 and charged with public intoxication and disorderly conduct after police say she refused to leave Donnie Baseball's property in Evansville, Indiana.



Kim told investigators that she believed Don took her cell phone.

I don't blame her -- cellies ain't cheap these days! I'd beat a ho down to get my Razr back, too!

She probably just forgot and left it at Hank's Honky Tonk but in her drunken stupor thought Don stole it.

The couple filed for divorce back in November citing irreconcilable differences.

In her mugshot, Kimmy looks like she ain't slept in months! Bitch could use a blowout from Louis Licari and a weekend in Los Cabos. At the least a trip to MasterCuts and a good night's sleep at Red Roof Inn.

BTW, Don will be the Dodgers special assignment coach for the 2008 season.

Is The Writers Strike Almost Over?

Word on the street is that the writers strike is about to come to an end -- an agreement could be reached as early as this week.

Hallelujah, holla back!

(Chris Pizzello / Reuters)

I do love me some reality TV, but Vh1 is gettin' outta hand, people. I mean, does the world really need Flavor of Love 3? How old is Flav anyway? Dude's gotta be pushin' 78.

Seems like Vh1 only features memaws & pepaws on its shows...haggard, washed-up musicians & actors.

You've got yer Brett Michaels (Rock of Love 1 & 2), the aforementioned Flavor Flav (Flavor of Love 1, 2 & 3), Celebrity Rehab and its myriad of messy has-beens, Surreal Life 1-57, Christopher Knight & Adrienne Curry (My Fair Brady, wedding, baby, blah blah blah), The Salt & Pepa Show (although I love those bad bitches!), Scott Baio is 122 and has 30 greatgrandkids, Hogan Knows Best (but he didn't know enough to teach his effin' kid how *not* to drive!).

I've enjoyed the "fresh" shows I've seen on Vh1 of late -- The Shot, America's Most Smartest Model, The Agency, yada yada.

But I'm ready to get on with the *good* shows already! I'm over reality tv. I need my Pushing Daisies (I cannot hide my luuuuurve for the Pie Maker. Oh how I miss seeing his lovely face on my TV screen.....sigh.), Grey's Anatomy, Brothers & Sisters, Private Practice, Desperate Housewives.

So please, studios & writers, please please please ink a deal so Flavor Flav will release his grip on our lives!! Puh-leeeeez!!!!???

Oh, and only 56 days til the first Braves game of the '08 season!!! And 57 days til the Bravos' home opener.

BTW, did I mention that I'm goin' to a spring training game whilst in Florida next month? Yea, I'm gonna flash Frenchie the girls during pre-game warmups.

This is how he'll celebrate after seein' MoonKween's goodies:

:)

Is He Still Alive...?

"Rock of Love 2" premiers tonight (9 EST, Vh1) and I'm still in awe of the women (term used loosely) who sign up for this shit. First of all, it's a reality show. Second of all, it's Bret Freakin' Michaels, aka Fergie.



Is he really a catch? I'm not into long-haired rocker dudes who wear more eye makeup than I do, so I guess I just don't see the appeal. He's so not hot.

Dlisted summed up the new season best in this piece. Eloquent as always, MK!

You know I'm still gonna watch this trash, tho. I've already got my Tivo set!

Baseball In Steroids

I love baseball. That's it. Pure and simple.

It breaks my heart to hear the things currently being said & done in the greatest sport ever.

Things such as this, and this, and this. It's everywhere!

I've been pretty mum on this subject so far. Not because I don't have anything of substance to say about steroids in baseball (although it's true that I probably don't.....you decide), but because it makes me sick.


(Image: ESPN.com)

Was I surprised that Jose Canseco wrote a book calling out former teammates on their steroid use? No. The actions of lonely, bitter people rarely shock me.

Was I surprised when Barry Bonds became the center of 'roid-use speculation because he gained 5 million pounds of muscle over the course of a few years? No. But I figured "hey, dude's gettin' old, he's probably just hittin' the gym to stay in shape to be competitive." So I'm naive. Don't judge.

I guess what finally shocked me was seeing the players' names in the Mitchell report, released Dec. 13. I grew up watching these guys. I know their histories.

I've never "idolized" any baseball player for his strengths on the field. In fact, I've never really even had a favorite player. Unless you count the little-girl crush I had on Gregg Jefferies when I was in the 8th grade, but I don't count that shit. (Sidebar: I remember that year for Christmas, I got every single Jefferies collectible under the sun (autographed player cards, pictures, posters, figurines, t-shirts, you name it!) Hey, what can I say, I was convinced that I was gonna marry the dude one day. I digress.)

Let's just say that I never considered MLB players to be role models, but that's probably because I'm a female. I suppose if I was a 10-year-boy who was a Yankees fan, I may dream of growing up to be Derek Jeter. I guess I just never put too much stock in the players themselves.

Ya see, I just love the game.

• I love sitting in the stands with 35,000 people who enjoy the game as much as I do.
• I love the (overpriced) beer and hot dogs.
• I love the delayed sound of the crack of the bat as I'm sitting 400 feet away in the right-center field bleachers.
• I love the cheesy little promotions a team puts on between innings to keep attending fans interested.
• I love batting practice.
• I love rain delays.
• I love TBS for allowing me to watch my beloved Atlanta Braves on TV year after year for too many to remember. (Thanks Skip & Pete!)
• I love the sound of the vendors selling their wares.
• I love a well-executed hit-&-run.
• I love the look on my son's face as he cheers after a spectacular play made by an outfielder.
• I love successful pick-off plays.
• I love to sway back & forth with the crowd as we all join in for "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" during the 7th inning stretch.
• I love the wave.
• I love beach balls being batted around the stands on a hot summer day.
• I love no hitters.
• And of course, I love home runs.

I love all of the little nuances that make the game what it is. But to be completely honest, I've never really given two shits about the players themselves. For the most part, they're all over-paid, whiney little bitches.

It's sad that this large group of men -- and I'm sure there are many, many more than just those listed in the Mitchell report -- have collectively ruined the NAME of the game I love so much. I say they ruined the "NAME" of the game, because to me, they didn't ruin the game itself.

No one will ever ruin the game of baseball for me.

The Braves could run the cast of Cocoon out on the field 162 games in a row and I wouldn't care one damn bit. It's the game that I love, not the cheaters players.

So until I see Wilford Brimley behind the plate and Jessica Tandy at short, I say Selig should institute a baseball law that every single player on every single team be tested monthly for banned substances. If you can't handle that, players, then get the fuck off my field!

Problem solved.

(steps off soapbox)

For Momma

This is posted especially for my Momma.

Here's the deal: I'd barely been popped outta my Momma's uterusus when this catalog went to print, so naturally, I don't remember these zexy fashions.

That being said, perhaps my Daddy was wearin' somethin' along this vein (gag) when I was conceived, cuz, let's face it -- these hos are HAWT!

(Before y'all start emailin' me with your accusations, no, I didn't write this. Der. It's called plagiarism, bitches.)

Here, Momma. Get silly, you old broad:

Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather. While my wife's brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:

There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you!

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:



If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:



He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:



If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day:



Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.



As does your search for chest hair.

And this -- Seriously. No words.



Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. F*ck. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?





And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."

Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:




I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:



Man, that's sexy.

Not Again...

Someone with a mouth as big as mine, and with as many opinions as I have, sometimes has a tough time blogging: so many people, so much mess, so little time. One never knows where to start, however...

There I was today, workin' from home, carin' for my sick spawn as a good mother should, when I decided to flip through the channels on my lunch break. That's when I came upon my fave soap, The Young & The Restless. I ain't watched this shit in MONTHS! Soapnet keeps changin' the air time of this wreck and I just can't keep up anymore.

Not to mention, I'm now the manager of a high-powered, kick-ass fantasy football team and don't have time to watch trashy daytime/nighttime soaps...unless it's I Love New York 2, in which case, I MAKE time. But more on my awesome FFB team later...

Like I said, while the spawn was playin' PS2 and I was innocently watchin' TV, I was thinkin' to myself, "Whatever happened to so-&-so from back in the Y&R day?", with no intention of bloggin' tonight because, well, I just can't decide who'd I like to be my next sharp-tongued target.

So I jumped on my home computer during the noon hour and this vision of loveliness appeared on my screen: Gloria Fisher-Abbott from Y&R.

With all due respect to my non-judgin' grand-momma: MOTHER FUCKER!

What did my eyes ever do to you, Joan Van Ark?! What did they do to deserve this?! They are now layin', bloodied, on the floor.

Knots Landing alums Donna Mills & JVA (allegedly) filmed spots on Nip/Tuck this past week.

How many times do I have to tell you bitches, Nip/Tuck is a fictional TV show! Sean McNamara & Christian Troy are NOT real plastic surgeons! I thought y'all mighta learned somethin' from this horrific mess!

Reporter Janet Charlton had this to say about JVA's visit to the set: "There was endless hair and makeup preparation, and a setsider noted that the only things rail-thin Joan consumed all day were several glasses of water with honey and one banana. But most frustrating was the fact that it took FOUR hours to light Joan to her complete satisfaction. That's longer than it takes to have a facelift AND liposuction."

Banana, my ass! That ho looks like she gave a free blowjob to a blueberry from the catering truck! What the hell kinda procedure ends with a blue muzzle?

I've heard electrolysis ain't no joke, but even this Tinseltown dinosaur should know not to go out in public 15 minutes after an electro session! DAYUM!

If my momma was dead, she'd be rollin' over in her grave, Valene Ewing. What did you do to yourself? You know Gary ain't gonna be happy to see your blue-faced ass!





Aside from the blueberry fellatio, what's up with the rusty brows & eyeliner?! Sister, yo' roots ain't even that color, and that ain't NO natural color found under the sun created by the Holy Maker himself.

If I were you, I'd lose the number to Michael Jackson's dermatologist. His ass ain't nothin' but trouble, TRUST!

Oh, and, by the way, I might pick up some Mineral Veil to hide that shine. But that's just me...

GD, I SUCK...

...big time. Here I thought I was gonna dominate most of the season, with the exception of the Tom Brady-, Peyton Manning-, Brett Favre-, LaDainian Tomlinson-havers. Here I sat with Chad Johnson, Shaun Alexander, Eli Manning (yea, OK, so he's no big brother, but shit! It was the best I could do in the 7th round....NOBODY takes QBs in the first 6 rounds, dammit!) and DeAngelo "Brown Sugar" Williams.

I barely recognize my team now. It's been decimated by injury, bye weeks and complete suck-assedness. Who'd'a thought that my two franchise players, Johnson & Alexander, would be averagin' 11.6 and 7.5 yards/game, respectively? What the fuck!?

So Alexander's 30-years-old? Big damn deal! Emmitt Smith's old, Dancin' with the Stars ass retired at 35 and was still killin' it! Shit, he had 9 touchdowns that year (2004)! SA's only got 2 TDs all 2007 season........in weeks 1 & 2. It's now week 10. DAYUM!

This was what my team looked like at the end of Monday, Oct. 29, 2007:

• Eli "I'm Not My Brother" Manning - 10 points (fuckin' Wembley Stadium and your spotted dick...whatever the hell that is. Who the hell's idea was it to play in London anyway?!)
• DeAngelo "Brown Sugar" Williams - 4 points
• Reuben "Studdard" Droughns - 3 points
• Chad "I Should Be Better on Paper" Johnson - 5 points (fuckin' TJ Who'sYa'Momma)
• Dennis "Who?" Northcutt - 1 point
• Donald Driver..........................................................................................I can't even go on, it's too depressing

I'm goin' to watch QVC.

Girl Fight!

The claws are out already!

Tiki Barber was on TV Sunday night and called Giants QB Eli Manning a wuss. Well, not really. He said it was a joke that Eli tried to step up & lead an offensive meeting in week 12 last season.

Tiki announced his retirement late last season so he can run off to be a big TV star or some shit.

Eil shot back today, saying that Tiki was a dumb ho who bitched about head coach Tom Coughlin too much and who only thought of his own selfish ass. Well, not really. Just read the damn story!

Eli is quoted as saying, "I guess I'm just happy for Tiki that he's making a smooth transition into the TV world."

MEOW!

Shut the hell up, Eli. Just get out there and make Momma some money!

Dayum!