Perfect Show To Watch Following A Horrible Braves Loss

I've got one word for ya, people: Wipeout

Wipeout premiered last night on ABC, just in time to bring some much-needed laughter to my life and It. Was. HIGHlarious!

Admittedly, I couldn't watch it "live" because The Spawn's all-star game was last night, so I had to DVR it. I was completely pooped when I got home (it's been a long couple of weeks), so I just washed my face, brushed my teeth and hit the sheets.

Feeling completely shitty about another crushing Braves loss (I promise, for once, this won't be a Braves bashing post. I'll put my fingers on lockdown mode and just focus on the show), I had planned to watch another 20-year-old Golden Girls episode (don't judge!) but instead, I turned on Wipeout.

Within 2 minutes I was laughin' hysterically. Not just laughin', I'm talkin' full-on wheezin' & snortin'!

Naturally, The Spawn came in & chewed me out for startin' the show without him so I had to rewind it. I'm glad he did, 'cause it was even sweeter the 2nd time around, I'm tellin' ya!

We laid there and laughed *so* hard. I think I peed a little.

Here's why the show is perfect summer fun:
You've got great hosts in John Anderson (ESPN's SportsCenter) and John Henson (comedian -- He hosted Talk Soup waaaaay back in the day, and I think I've seen him doin' stuff on vh1...I can't remember, but it's not important. Just know that he's funny).

You've got 24 contestants to start the game. Naturally, the hosts ("The Johns", as they shall henceforth be known) make fun of pretty much all of 'em as they're racin' through the first obstacle course (think Mystery Science Theater 3000 with The Johns as Joel Robinson, Crow and Tom Servo). Most of the contestants don't even make it past the first 5 minutes of the show, at which time they're cast back to whatever podunk town from which they came.

A bunch of losers go home at the end of round one, with the winners advancin' to the next round of obstacles. A few rounds of weedin' out the riff-raff and the last 4 standin' go on to the final obstacle course, The Wipeout Zone.

Just when you think it's all complete hilarity, you realize that you're secretly *rooting* for a favorite! So while you may still be peein' your pants due to the physical catastrophes before your eyes, in a way, you start gettin' serious about it...like you have somethin' ridin' on this insane gameshow.

The person with the fastest time through The Wipeout Zone is deemed the winner and takes home $50,000.

Bottom line, it's great fun and if nothin' else, it'll take your mind off of how crappy *your* team may be playin' at the moment. (See people, I didn't say one degrading word about the Braves...I kept my promise!)



How can you NOT love a game with obstacles such as "The Dreadmill", "Dizzy Dummy" and "Dirty Balls"?!?!

You can watch the premier of Wipeout here. I dare ya not to laugh!

That Don't Look Natural

The other day, I posted about how the world can't seem to get enough of Christina Aguilera's post-pregger boobies. My point was, "What's the big damn deal?"

Here she is takin' her puppies out for a walk, and in lookin' at her assets in the photo below, you'll notice two things:

1) Her shits are wonky
2) She got more blue veins than Estelle Getty



Now, as I've stated before, I've given birth (through the hoo-ha, thank you very much -- no C-Section cheatin' goin' on down there), and I've breastfed, so I can say this to you, Christina, mother to mother: Honey, please put 'em away 'til they're ready to be seen in public. When your chesticles look like a road map, they just ain't ready.

Those milk ducts are pushin' the implants hither & yon. Or vice versa.

That is not a breast shape found in nature. That shit looks painful!

Nip/Tuck Season Finale (Spoilers)

Anybody else in the world watch this hotness but me?



(Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert! If you haven't seen the season finale of Nip/Tuck yet, don't read this shit then email me bitchin' 'bout what I wrote.)

I've been a fan of this trashy show since the beginning, with the exception of last season -- the season when Julia was screwin' the midget nanny.....? I'm a huge fan of midget nannies, but for some reason I just couldn't get with it last year.

But this year, holy shit! I couldn't get enough!

I'll be the first to admit, the first epi of the season, I was like, "What the fuck...?! This shit best get better than this or Ryan Murphy's ass is in trouble!" That whole "Hearts & Scalpels" and movin' to L.A. shit was just too damn tacky.

Thankfully, it did pick up. Christian Troy (Julian McMahon) was still a complete dickhead, but the storylines weren't as far-fetched as they have been in seasons past (with the exception of the last couple episodes when Matt was sleepin' with his then-unknown half-sister, Emme...but whatever. It happens to the best of us).

Sharon Gless (Cagney & Lacey fame) played Colleen Rose, Sean McNamara's (Dylan Walsh) psycho wanna-be manager this season and her ass deserves a damn Oscar!

Oscar, Emmy, Tony, Golden Globe, Grammy, BET, CMA, SAG, Essence, Vh1 Big In '08, MTV Video Music, Nickelodeon Kids' Choice, Car & Driver, Darwin, Webby -- every award under the effin' SUN!

That bitch was C-R-A-Z-Y!! Made me hafta watch with the lights turned on! Ho was cree-py!

(I'll repeat: SPOILER COMIN' UP!)

In the final scene of the season, Colleen's certifiable ass came into the O.R. & stabbed Sean in the back with a huge-ass, shiny-ass butcher's knife about 5 or 6 times. He fell to the floor chokin' & spurtin' blood outta his mouth, with poor little Annie (the daughter no one cares about this season) layin' on the operating table, completely unaware of the goings-on in the room.

Then..........

BLACK

Certainly, Sean can't die. He's a main character!

Who would be the Thelma to Christian's Louise? Who would be the Tim Gunn to Christian's Heidi Klum? Who would be the Krystle Carrington to Christian's Alexis Carrington Colby? Who would be the Dorothy Zbornak to Christian's Sophia Petrillo?

You get the idea...

If Sean dies, I won't come back. He was the main reason I tuned in. Unlike most horny old women, I didn't tune in to see Christian screw everything with a pulse. Sean's the one who did it for me, and believe it or not, he kept his clothes on most of the time.

I'd totally rock Dylan Walsh (sorry MeMe). So if he goes, I go. No other reason to watch.



So how many months will I have to wait, Ryan Murphy?! When will the next season begin? When will I be able to rest comfortably at night knowing that Sean lives?!?!!?

When, Ryan Murphy? When, when, when, when???

Happy Birthday, Blanche Devereaux!

That sexy woman, Rue McClanahan, turns 74 today.

Happy birthday, slut!



"I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo." -- Miz Blanche Devereaux