I'm The Greatest Hitter In The World

I saw this commercial for the first time tonight and automatically thought about The Spawn -- whom I miss so much it hurts.

Yes, I may have a heart of cold, black ice but I'm still a Momma, dammit. Don't judge!



The Spawn's on the west coast with the g'parents for a 10-day vacation and I'm missin' him like the Braves miss October baseball. For realz.

*sniff, sniff*

I haven't been separated from The Spawn for this long since he was a wee tot and he went back home with Nana to visit the fam down south while I stayed up in The Great White North. *blubber, blubber*

But he'll be home in a few days (YAY!) and I'll totally get on his nerves with my huggin' & kissin' & fawnin'...he'll be ready to hit L.A. again.

He'll be callin' up BritBrit to ask if he can move in with her so he can be ignored by a mother and devoid of any attention or affection.

Just him, some chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts, Diet Dr. Pepper & his Nintendo DS.

Hey, he likes what he likes...

A Hawk's Revenge!

A red-tailed hawk sought revenge for its cousin's murder by attacking a schoolgirl who was touring Fenway Park in Boston on Thursday. Crazy!

Apparently, momma hawk was protecting an egg that was located in its nest nearby.

I'm tellin' ya, that bird caught wind of Tripp Isenhour, the psycho golfer who purposely killed a hawk at an Orlando golf course back in December because it was squawkin' too much.

I can hear momma hawk now: "I shall seek retribution for the atrocities brought upon my feathery cousin! Die human, DIE!"



The chicky-poo was not seriously injured.

But she's lookin' for the number of Britney's stylist 'cause she's in need of a weave, STAT!

Spring Training, Here I Come!

I want to apologize for being so lax with the postin' this week. A million & one things to do.

I'm tryin' to wrap shit up at work, make my packin' list for the trip, stay on top of the Spawn to get his homework finished/turned in (his little mind is also startin' to drift towards warm, sunny Florida so I can't blame him...), get my Wally World shoppin' list straight, hit the tanning salon regularly (which I absolutely abhor), blah blah blah.

Oh, and while I'm keepin' all those balls in the air (teehee), I'm also tryin' to avoid gettin' the fuckin' Black Plague that seems to have the entire country in its gnarled death grip!

These bitches up in here BET NOT give me their SARS right before I leave for a 2-week trip! I've been sick while on vacay before and shit ain't cute. Trust!

I'm really hopin' I'll get to post while I'm down there, but it's lookin' pretty slim. Get this shit: our resort doesn't have wireless in the buildings! They say we can spend $25/week ($50 total!)to use the WiFi in the main lobby (like, out in the open, in front of Jesus & er'body!), or we have to use the dial up.

Dial up?! What the hell is that?! That's like, soooo 1990s! Sheesh! And besides, Momma needs her privacy!

Anyhoo, here are a few random tidbits from the mind of the Kween:

• Mike Hampton's back on the mound (simulation only)
• I'll be the crazy bitch at the Braves game on March 20. I apologize for anything that may or may not happen while I'm in attendance
• I've upped my usual fantasy baseball leagues from 1 to 3 (I'm sure I'll suck in all 3 and embarrass myself, as per usual)
• Christian "Ferocia Coutura" Siriano is our new Project Runway winner
• American Idol is pretty spiffy this season (although David "Gay Stripper Hotness" Hernandez just got the boot! What the...?! Who the fuck is votin' for Kristy Lee Cook? Go play with your PS2s (or *yourselves*) you horny 15-year-old boys! My new obsession is Jason Castro anyway....)
• Brit Brit's all "normal" & shit now -- bah, BORING!
• Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson are "canoodling" onset. zzzzzzzzz
• The Yankees & Devil Rays are already kickin' the shit out of each other (literally) and throwin' 'bows. Love the dramz! Oh, and how *key-yute* is Jonny Gomes!?!?!
• Fuggie Fug & Josh Duhamel are still engaged, I guess. Crap.
• And for all you pervy people all over the world who find your way to the Kastle by way of a "Jeremy Roloff hot" Google search, here he is. And, I'm not certain, but there may be a coupla Jonas Brothers in that photo, too:
  
  
  

P.S. -- Stay strong, Papa! Love you!

This One Should Be In The Loonie Bin, Too!

Hells bells!

Move over Delta, Justin, Kim & Britney.

This crazy dude who was denied a liquor license had planned to "shed the blood of the innocent" in an "econopolitical confrontation" at the Super Bowl February 3.

Reportedly, Kurt William Havelock, 35, drove around with an assault rifle and 200 rounds of ammo plannin' to shoot random peeps during pre-game activities because "no one destroys my dream."

For God's sake, dude, it was a LIQUOR LICENSE for a HALLOWEEN-THEMED RESTAURANT named DRUNKENSTEIN'S in TEMPE, ARIZONA, not a kidney!

You are not Susan Lucci with 19 Daytime Emmy nominations and no wins! Miz Lucci never planned a shoot-out on the red carpet of the Daytime Emmys cuz she lost year after year after year after year after year after year...(you get the idea).




Thankfully, Havelock turned himself in and is being held without bail.

Britney Sprung From The Loonie Bin

Brit was released from the psych ward this afternoon and what does she do after she leaves? Naturally, what any sane person would do while currently embroiled in legal battles, restraining orders and conservatorships......she proceeds to drive around L.A.!!!!


Take your fuckin' ass home, bitch!!!


Where's Momma & Poppa Spears?!?!?!




I shouldn't be surprised that the paps are all whipped up into an orgasmic frenzy at this moment, or that myfoxla.com is streaming LIVE VIDEO from a helicopter of the roadway madness. The "reporters" are commenting on her fabulous driving skills and the fact that she's dancing in her car at stop lights, presumably to music she's listening to.



Umm, I doubt she's playin' music in her car -- she's a wackjob!


She should NOT be turned loose back onto the streets of L.A.

Oy!

Perez Hilton is also reporting that Brit's "in the arms of the enemy" which can only mean one thing.

We'll see what transpires from this mess......

Holy Cow!!!!!!!

OMG! So much goin' on in the world -- Brit Brit included, of course! -- and my computer's taken a shit! DAYUM!!! Virus all to hell!!!






Won't be able to *really* blog until tomorrow night or so............I apologize to both of my fans for not being able to bring you my take on the world. By "both of my fans" I mean, MeMe & PaPa.


Hope to be back up & runnin' REAL soon!


Love ya, bitches! muah!


-T

Let's Kiss Our Asses Goodbye

The Associated Press reports that a dead spy satellite could hit the planet in a few weeks.

We're all gonna die! Actually, with my luck, the damn thing'll land on my head as I'm returnin' from the mailbox after pickin' up my packages of Diamonique from QVC. Hey, say what ya will, but Diamonique's the shit! It's worth dyin' for...

The out-of-control satellite, which may contain hazardous materials, could land anywhere on the planet.

Please, please, please, please, please land on Britney's ass! And maybe Adnoid Ghaleeeeeeeeeeb will be in close proximity so the projectile will take him out, too! Yesssss!

But if it hits Brit, then 98% of the paparazzi population will also perish, and then where would I get my much-needed fix of Brit Brit pix?! Oh hell, it's a catch-22!

OK, satellite, don't take the superstar celebutard, take me! I'm not worthy!



Here's a clip from the other night when Adnoid was on Entertainment Tonight whorin' private voicemails from Miz Spears. He's such a winner.

I wish that Brazilian on his chin would jump up & bitch-slap his ass.

No Visitation For Mommy Dearest

At least until after the next scheduled hearing slated for Feb. 19.


You know that psycho won't show up for that one either. When will the courts finally wise up and quit givin' that bitch any more chances? Lock her up & throw away the key!


Oh wait, scratch that. I need Brit news 24/7 and I can't get that if she's gettin' special celebrity treatment rottin' away in the clink.

I Need A Life...

In a bad way.

Yes, I'm actually sittin' here watchin' TMZ's live video stream outside the courthouse in L.A.

This freak has been on camera for about 20 minutes now.


I'm watchin' because K-Fed's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is supposed to address the media soon. I *thought* he was gonna give some big speech about 20 minutes ago but instead I'm stuck sittin' here watchin' Pepe Le Pew wearin' a fuckin' Barbie house on his damn head!

All the dramz went down today with Brit's custody hearing. K-Dad showed up on time, as did the emergency medical workers who responded to her crazy-filled house Jan. 3 (they had to testify).

Miz Spears herself was supposed to appear and testify (at the advisement of her lawyers) but she showed up about 4 hours late, made a poor attempt to enter the courthouse, was "scared" by the paps (riiiiight) and left about 20 minutes later.


She proceeded to go to a church, sit down for a few minutes, leave again, and then go to lunch. What a fuckin' whack-job.

Where are the men in white jumpsuits with the butterfly nets?! They need to swoop in, abduct her ass like an alien spaceship and ship her off to Timbuktu!

Oh who'm I kiddin'? What would my life be without this hillbilly in it!?

Sweet Jesus...

The only thing left for this crazy horse to do is walk around L.A. butt-ass nekkid. Nothin' she does surprises me anymore.


So if you find pictures of her at a Citgo stealin' cigarette lighters, or at a Starbucks buyin' fraps, or at a RiteAid gettin' "baby stuff" in her burfday suit, send 'em to me. That'll really raise my eyebrows. But at this point -- I'm shocked she didn't do this sooner.


FinalPixxCeleb.com has pics of BritBrit at a Mercedes dealership yesterday wearin' the dress she wore to her wedding reception when she married K-Fed. Dayum, doesn't that seem like 20 years ago?!?!? Where does the time go...?

Sorry Y'all!

I apologize to my many, many blog fans (both of you) for not posting in a while. I was on vacay Christmas week, returned home on Jan. 3 and headed back to work Jan. 4.

Naturally, after 2 straight weeks with the Hubs & the Spawn, Momma needed a night on the town, so I went out with a few of my drinkin' buddies last Friday and acted like a slutty bar ho. Not really, but I wish.

Due to a Series of Unfortch Events (SoUE), I've been feelin' a bit sickly since Saturday (coincidentally, that's the day after Momma's Night Out....more on that below). It's been waaaaay hard to keep my fingers shut & not blog. TRUST!

Wanna hear about my misery (some of it self-inflicted)? Here ya go:

SoUE #1: Because I was out actin' a skank Friday night, I smoked about 6 packs of ciggies and woke up feelin' like shit the next day. Normally I can bounce back from that emphysema-for-a-day feelin' because I'm such a hot bitch, but.........

SoUE #2: Two days later, the 10 inches of snow we had on the ground started meltin'. Remember, this is Michigan. And it's January! Well, as the air heated up and the snow started dwindlin'........

SoUE #3: It created the. worst. fog. ever. and my asthma kicked up. Yes, I have mild asthma and I smoked 6 packs of cancer sticks at the bar. Don't judge. Anyhoobs, after the fog cleared.......
SoUE #4: The nast, moldy ground kicked up my allergies and now I have a head cold. I'm sure my sinuses look like Lindsay's vag after a 3-day visit to Italy.

SoUE #5: I had to pack & move my office (Yes, I have a real job, bitches! Try it!) in a day & a half and have been behind in my affairs. I just can't function knowin' that all of my personal effects are packed away in boxes and I have 80 unanswered emails in my inbox. I'm anal that way. No, not *that* way, that way.

Let me just digress for a minute to tell you that I'M SOOO IN A BAND NOW! I got to play in the bar band Friday night, and you'll be soooooo shellus (that's "jealous" but with a French accent or some shit. I say it all the time) when you hear what instruments they let me play. No, not the skin flute, *actual* instruments.

(Please keep in mind the following: I can sing like a bird but I can't read music or play an instrument to save my effin' life...except for the skin flute, but that's a whole 'notha show!)

First, I played the TAMBOURINE! Then I played the MARACAS! And to top it all off, I played the COW BELL!! Swear. to. Gawd! I am so in a band! They LOVED me! So a big ups to my boys, The Shaydes (Marko, Pete, Kevin & Jim). I was the unofficial 5th Shayde Friday night. Lovez it!

So, to make a long story short, I haven't had a chance to talk about that psycho, pap-fuckin', no draws-wearin', aimless drivin', hotel-stayin', no kid lovin', hostage takin' Miz Spears. It's been killin' me!!

Roger Clemens is killin' me, too! I watched that fat bitch on "60 Minutes" the other night sayin' "It didn't happen" and "It never happened" a lot.

He also answered Mike Wallace's question about whether or not ex-trainer Brian McNamee injected him "in the buttocks" on multiple occasions by saying "If he's doing that to me, I should have a third ear coming out of my forehead. I should be pulling tractors with my teeth." HAHA!! Sign his ass up for the Strongman contest!

BTW, Mike Wallace is the hottest crypt keeper *ever*! M'just sayin'.

Clemens also said: "The higher you get up on the flagpole, the more your butt shows. I understand all that." Um, yea, the visual on that one was just HIGHliarous.

Fucker.

Oh, and check out this little piece.

Brit To Hit The Big Screen...Again?

UGH! For the love of everything holy, say it ain't so!

PageSix reports that Miz Spears is in talks to star in Memoirs of a Medicated Child. She's a perfect fit!

Click here to read the rest of this dastardly story.

And below you'll see our girl BS on last night's Rite Aid shopping spree I told you about earlier today. The only reason I'm posting this pic is because I noticed what she's holding in her delicate, feminine, well-manicured hand....At first I thought it was a can of FDS, but upon further inspection (and knowin' her skank self) it's a can of that cheap ass knock-off body spray.

You tellin' me she can't afford the good stuff?! And by "good stuff" I mean the stuff you hafta have the clerk come over to the cosmetics section & unlock the sliding glass door to retrieve.

It may not *be* FDS, but she should use it like it is cuz you know her stuff ain't right.

She's At It Again!!!!!!

OMG! This story has it all: a spare tire, handicapped parking, Rite Aid, crazed fans, a stuffed horse!

TMZ's paps caught Brit Brit drivin' down Sunset Blvd. last night with her trunk open on the way to her home away from home, Rite Aid.

Upon arriving at the drug store, craziness ensued (but when *doesn't* craziness ensue where this ho is concerned?):



Does this bitch ever sleep?! I think she's secretly a vampire.

Whaaaaaa????

Allow me to take a quick break from all the teenage pregnancies (Jamie Lynn), shitty music video releases (Brit Brit, Assley Simpson, et al) and nose jobs gone wrong (I'm watchin' you, Ashley Tisdale).

I'm devoting this little piece o' Heaven to America's Got Talent. I don't watch that mess but I was just sent this video clip of some hot piece magician who cut some Isaiah Washington wanna-be in half on stage with a chainsaw.

Umm, yea, that about sums it up.

This is the baddest shit I've ever seen!! Move over David Copperfield. Criss Angel who? I don't *think* so, David Blaine!

AMAZING!!!

Tonight: Best Year Ever!

Tonight's the premier of the 2007 edition of VH1's Best Year Ever! Be there or be square, bitches!



I can't wait to see what they have to say about Brit Brit and all the celebubitch jail-birds of '07!

B-Nasty

Believe it or not, this is Britney drivin' around late last night, cell in hand, of course.

What the hell was she doin' before she jumped behind the wheel? Clawin' her way out of a shallow grave?!?! Those nails are NAST!

Bitch needs to save the $$$ she spends on Starbucks & Marlboros and buy herself a manicure. For realz!

Nutt's Out

Let me start off by sayin' GO HOGS!! Way to stick it to the #1 team in the country on Friday! Triple OT, Baby!!

Just three days after one of the biggest upsets in the SEC this season (check that, THE biggest upset in the SEC this season), head coach Houston Nutt resigned Monday, turning down a $2.4 million dollar annual salary to remain with the team.

His dumb ass won't even coach his team in the bowl game (yet to be determined). DC Reggie Herring will lead the Hogs in that contest. I hope they put a beat-down on some fools to really rub it in Nutt's face!

What I don't get is this pussy-ass reason for not returning: "Nutt believed the university community wouldn't unite as long as he was the coach," a source told ESPN.com.

WTF?! Unity?!

We don't want some effin' Kumbaya shit. We want a coach who'll take us to some bowl games in future Januarys! We want a coach who'll put down the cell phone and pick up a damn playbook!

For those who don't know, some shit went down in the beginning of 2007, which found Nutt in the middle of a few scandals:

• He text messages like Britney driving at night wearin' sunglasses
• Former QB Mitch Mustain was probably the whiny blabber-mouth who called Nutt out on the "texting affair" because he was pissed over a scathing email he received from some crazy bitch
• He was chasin' open coaching jobs at Miami and North Carolina State (see "Ref of the Year" Ron Cherry post below) while he was still head coach of the Razorbacks...big no-no, Nutt

He just couldn't take the heat so he had to GET OUT Momma's kitchen. Whatever the case for his leavin', I'm gonna miss homegirl.

I don't care if he was (allegedly) pokin' some slutty newsanchor on his down time. I don't care if he was (allegedly) burnin' up a university-issued cell phone with those Fastest Fingers. Why should I care if he was (allegedly) lookin' to better his career at NCState(?!).

I'm gonna miss seein' his crazy crack-head ass fast-walkin' up & down the sidelines at Razorback Stadium.



Yep, it's settled -- I'm definitely gonna miss this sexy beast, no doubt about it:

I Can't Quit You

Oh, Britney.

Britney, Britney, Britney.

You've been such a dirty mess the last few days, where do I start with you?

Let's start with this crazy slop you call hair. Will you please stop kiddin' yourself, thinkin' you look good. You look like a shit shake and you know it. You can't fool us.


And those lips, those boots.



As much as I (sometimes) get a big ol' kick outta seein' your name in the headlines, and I'm always entertained with the notion of what you'll do next, here's what pisses me off, you dumb slut (cuz you're totally readin' this, waitin' for me to personally address your behavior and mothering skills so you can jumpstart your road to recovery...):

You leave your kids in the car while you shop for effin' chandeliers(!?), you fail court-appointed drug tests (it's not like the fuckers sneaked up on yo' ass!), you run red lights with your babies in the car, you're out bar-hoppin' every effin' night, your music SUCKS (like, really, really, really fuckin' sucks! No link, just my personal opinion -- and I'm sure the opinion of millions...) and, finally, I think I can smell your stank from here.



Look at you. You're a GD wreck!

And I'm startin' to think you're payin' these poor inbred people to stand on your Hollywood Walk of Fame star holdin' these signs.

Gimme More

I can't get enough pictures of this crazy bitch's busted-ass weave! I need help.

I posted this a few days ago about how Brit must not give a f*ck anymore. Well, neither do I -- I can't fight it. If she's gonna put it out there, why not....?

So here's a montage of all of her latest "looks". Don't hate her because she's beautiful.





Here she is with her 5-head wearin' a table cloth:



And what is there to say about this next one? The psycho blue eyes, the horse hair on her head, the shirt buttons screamin' for release, the stain on her smashed boob.......sigh.

Umm...Er....Hmm

Here's Brit & her busted-ass weave a coupla days ago. Does she seriously just not give an eff?

I have no words.......