Bein' A GM In The Major Leagues Is Bad For Your Health

If you thought bein' an MLB home plate umpire was a dangerous job, try bein' a general manager.

Yesterday, Ed Wade, GM of the Houston Astros, was *choked* by pitcher Shawn Chacon following a heated exchange between the two men in the dining room before Houston's game against Texas. Mmm, boy -- nothin' gets me fired up like buffet style green beans!

Chacon has been suspended indefinitely (duh!).

The Houston Chronicle reports: "According to Chacon, he was in the dining room after batting practice when (manager Cecil) Cooper asked him to come to his office.

"I said, 'What do you want to speak to me about?' " Chacon said. "He said, 'We just want to talk to you.' I said, 'Anything you can say, you can say to me right here. I don't want to go to the office.' He looked at me, and I said, 'There's nothing for me to say to you guys.' And I don't think whatever they had to say to me they were going to make me happy. I didn't want to get in a closed-room conversation."

"I sat down to eat, and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, 'You need to come with me to the office.' I said, 'For what? I don't want to go to the office with you and Cooper.' And I said, 'You can tell me whatever you've got to tell me right here.' He's like, 'Oh, you want me to tell you right here?' And I said, 'Yeah.' I'm not yelling. I'm calm."

It deteriorated quickly afterward, according to Chacon.

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there, and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling at me. Then I stood up and said, 'You better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool, and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him, because at that point I wanted to beat his (behind). Words were exchanged."

Words were exchanged? Umm, pretty sure that's an understatement, Shawn Chokeon!

The Choke Artist is pissed that he was demoted from starter to relief pitcher over the weekend. By the way, the numbers from his last start, June 19, look like this: 5.0 IP, 8 H, 6 R, 6 ER, 2 HR, 4 BB, 0 SO.

He ain't all that outstandin' anyway. Career 45-61 record & 5.0 ERA. Meh.

Here's my point: When your general manager (it's the GM, not the towel boy!) asks to speak with you, YOU. DO. IT! Period. No questions asked. He has a *lot* to do with your $2 million dollar paycheck, dude.

You don't jump up and Latrell Sprewell his ass! Dayum!

GMs of the future, beware. I guess ya just never know which player's gonna snap and go for the jugular.

Perfect Show To Watch Following A Horrible Braves Loss

I've got one word for ya, people: Wipeout

Wipeout premiered last night on ABC, just in time to bring some much-needed laughter to my life and It. Was. HIGHlarious!

Admittedly, I couldn't watch it "live" because The Spawn's all-star game was last night, so I had to DVR it. I was completely pooped when I got home (it's been a long couple of weeks), so I just washed my face, brushed my teeth and hit the sheets.

Feeling completely shitty about another crushing Braves loss (I promise, for once, this won't be a Braves bashing post. I'll put my fingers on lockdown mode and just focus on the show), I had planned to watch another 20-year-old Golden Girls episode (don't judge!) but instead, I turned on Wipeout.

Within 2 minutes I was laughin' hysterically. Not just laughin', I'm talkin' full-on wheezin' & snortin'!

Naturally, The Spawn came in & chewed me out for startin' the show without him so I had to rewind it. I'm glad he did, 'cause it was even sweeter the 2nd time around, I'm tellin' ya!

We laid there and laughed *so* hard. I think I peed a little.

Here's why the show is perfect summer fun:
You've got great hosts in John Anderson (ESPN's SportsCenter) and John Henson (comedian -- He hosted Talk Soup waaaaay back in the day, and I think I've seen him doin' stuff on vh1...I can't remember, but it's not important. Just know that he's funny).

You've got 24 contestants to start the game. Naturally, the hosts ("The Johns", as they shall henceforth be known) make fun of pretty much all of 'em as they're racin' through the first obstacle course (think Mystery Science Theater 3000 with The Johns as Joel Robinson, Crow and Tom Servo). Most of the contestants don't even make it past the first 5 minutes of the show, at which time they're cast back to whatever podunk town from which they came.

A bunch of losers go home at the end of round one, with the winners advancin' to the next round of obstacles. A few rounds of weedin' out the riff-raff and the last 4 standin' go on to the final obstacle course, The Wipeout Zone.

Just when you think it's all complete hilarity, you realize that you're secretly *rooting* for a favorite! So while you may still be peein' your pants due to the physical catastrophes before your eyes, in a way, you start gettin' serious about it...like you have somethin' ridin' on this insane gameshow.

The person with the fastest time through The Wipeout Zone is deemed the winner and takes home $50,000.

Bottom line, it's great fun and if nothin' else, it'll take your mind off of how crappy *your* team may be playin' at the moment. (See people, I didn't say one degrading word about the Braves...I kept my promise!)



How can you NOT love a game with obstacles such as "The Dreadmill", "Dizzy Dummy" and "Dirty Balls"?!?!

You can watch the premier of Wipeout here. I dare ya not to laugh!

Smoltz Soldiers On

Just days after season-ending (we don't *dare* say career-ending!) shoulder surgery, John Smoltz conducted his 15th annual youth baseball camp today.

Way to be, Smoltzie!!

These pics are awesome. A true testiment to the character of John Smoltz. He couldn't dare let down his youngest fans by cancelling the camp -- or by sending, say, Mike Hampton in his place.

That was a joke. You can un-scrunch your face now.

(Look at the smile on his face! He's lovin' it!)


(You can almost *see* the little cartoon hearts floating above that adorable little boy's head!)

(What a lucky little guy to get to spend the day with a future-HOFer!)

We miss ya Smoltzie!

Reports have also surfaced that Smoltz gets to begin light throwing in a matter of months. We all wish him a speedy recovery.

You can see the rest of Frank Niemeir's great photos from camp here.

Somethin' In The Milk Ain't Clean

I don't mean to beat a dead horse. Or even this little horsey. But sum'in ain't right with Jeff Francoeur.

In his last 9 games, his average has dropped a good 10 points. He's hackin' at everything. Even more than usual. When was the last time you saw him take the first 2 pitches? Seriously.

Francoeur was only hitting .222 coming into tonight's game with the Milwaukee Brewers. He is also hitting .226 (19-for-84) with runners in scoring position this season, and has just two hits in 18 at-bats with the bases loaded.

He gets an opportunity to pinch hit (in the rare occasion that he doesn't start) and he finds a way to make an out....very quickly, I might add.

And we won't even TALK about the number of times he's GIDP this month. Sheesh!

You want the big bucks, Frenchy, you gotta prove you're worth it. I know everyone wants to be so soft on him 'cause he's the HomeGrown, but that shit don't cut it with me. It's time to get tough, Little Man.



Bein' the "hometown cutie pie" can only get ya so far...if you want the big contract, if you wanna hang with the big boys, you gotta prove you can (consistently) hit above .260. Or, hell, even .250!

That said, he *did* get fitted for a contact lens today, so hopefully that will help some.

Helen Keller would have a higher BA than he does this season.

Tex!!

Atlanta Braves slugger (term used loosely so far this season) Mark Teixeira broke out in a BIG way at The Ted on Sunday afternoon. Dude went yard 3 times and drove in 4. Woot!

The Braves pummeled the Seattle Mariners 8-3, with the help of Tim Hudson's 4-hit, 7-inning shutout performance. And Brian McCann added his 14th homer of the year in the 4th inning off Carlos Silva (3-8).

Tex came into Sunday's game batting .264 and left batting .271. Not too shabby.

Oh, and he alone banked me 19 fantasy points -- my whole damn *team* only had 45!







And here's cutie-pie congratulating BMc after he drove in the winning run on Saturday. He looks like such a little boy!

Homegirl Said *What*?

What the hell is newly-appointed New York Mets skipper Jerry Manuel talkin' about?! I don't even think *he* knows.



The New York Post reports: "Asked how the struggling (Aaron) Heilman was holding up under constant booing at Shea this year, Manuel said, 'It's very, very fertile ground for growth in Shea Stadium. It's fertile ground for a team's growth and development. Sometimes, fertile ground has fertilizer.' ...'Fertilizer is a good thing,' Manuel said before the Mets' afternoon contest against the (Colorado) Rockies. 'It's a good thing. You get the greatest results — get the most beautiful plants — when you put it in that type of fertile soil. That's what we have the opportunity to do.'

Manuel, who will make his first appearance at Shea Stadium as manager of the Mets Monday against (the) Seattle (Mariners), pleaded with reporters before and after the fertilizer reference not to blow it out of proportion or do 'something crazy with this'."

You are crazy, Jer-Bear! And it gets better, folks.

"Shortstop Jose Reyes was the target of Manuel's first colorful outburst this week. After Reyes threw a helmet-throwing tantrum last Tuesday night in Manuel's debut when Manuel pulled him in the first inning with a tight hamstring, Manuel jokingly threatened to knife Reyes if it happened again.

'I told him the next time he does that, I'm going to get my blade out and cut him right on the field,' Manuel said. 'I'm a gangster.' ... 'She acted up with me, and she had a day off,' Manuel said of Reyes."


(well, she *is* kinda pretty...m'just sayin')

Umm, sounds like pepaw needs some warm Ovaltine and a long nap.

He needs to keep his pie-hole shut and spend more energy tryin' to figure out what he's gonna do with this .500 ballclub. Incidentally, the wacky Manuel is 3-2 since taking over for the disgraced Willie Randolph on June 17.

IMO, it's the Mets front office that's the disgrace, but that's neither here nor there. They didn't consult me before they made the decision to give ol' Willie the heave-ho.

Larry Birkhead Is A Freak

Larry Birkhead, Anna Nicole Smith's baby-daddy, purchased lingerie items previously worn by crackie in Playboy spreads.

The pink bustier and white negligee went for a total of $2,800 at a celebrity auction held at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino on the Las Vegas Strip yesterday.

According to the AP: "Birkhead said he is trying to make sure his 1-year-old daughter, Dannielynn, has something to remember her mother by.

"I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about," Birkhead told The Associated Press. "Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career."

By history he means lies & fabrications about most aspects of big momma's life.

Um, OK. So if he's lookin' to dig up 'memories' of crackie, why not just show Dannielynn the Playboy pics?? Explain to baby girl that mommy used to take her clothes off and woller around in front of the camera for money.

See, he coulda saved himself almost $3,000 if he'd just done what I suggested...

Weirdo!

Huh?!

We got bitch-slapped by the Mariners tonight.

The Seattle. Fuckin'. Mariners.

The 26-47 Mariners.

Un-fuckin'-believable!


And Campy seemed to be doin' so well in the early innings!




I have no words.


Ugh!!!!

God, I Miss The South

I was born & raised in the south. I *heart* the south.

I miss the south like Prince Fielder misses his tax payments.

I'm here to tell ya, southeners not only have the gift of gab, but they also have a way with words.

My case in point, these ever so eloquent fans discussing Atlanta Braves baseball on the AJC message boards:

"Don’t get me started on Tex. How come no one on this team is taking a cue from Chipper at the plate? These guys are getting the same pitches to hit and they are whiffing on them. Professional baseball players my left butt cheek! They play worse than the whole UGA College Baseball Team!"

"Delighted to see JoJo continue to grow as a major league pitcher and the return of Mike. Sorry to continue to beat a dead horse but Francoeur sucks. Maybe touching himself so often puts him in a lull. Didn’t his folks teach him that a boy doesn’t do that in public?"

"Gonzo is the first Brave I have seen this year with the “Closer Mentality”. EVERY other Brave pitcher’s butthole drawed up if they walked to the mound in a close situation."

A big thank you goes out to these mo fo's for giving me the biggest fuckin' laugh I've had in a long time! Yes, I live a sad, serious life. Don't judge.

'Butthole drawed up"....someone's MeMe needs to wash his mouth out with soap!

They still do that in the south, bitches!

Ain't that right, MeMe?

And to drive home my point even further, let's revisit classics from Julia & Suzanne Sugarbaker:

Pay Yo' Bills!

(most awesomest photo. ever - The Onion)

Seems as though The Petite One, Prince Fielder, owes the tax man some moolah. To the tune of $409,149.14! (Sidebar 1: why 149? Why not just round it up to $409,150? And what the hell is the 14 cents for? What costs $.14 in this day & age of the Big Oil/George W. Bush? 14 pennies don't even cost 14 cents anymore!)

Did he learn nothing from his daddy? Manage. Your. Affairs, people!

Story goes, Prince's "Big Daddy" Cecil was embroiled in an ugly lawsuit filed by Trump Plaza Hotel and Casinos seven or eight years ago. Allegations were that Pops Fielder had lost upwards of $580,000 in 1999 (in 2 days, natch) and failed to pay off his debt in full.

He was consequently sued by TPH&C for $563,359 and lost. (Sidebar 2: again, why 359? Why not round up to 360? Like, what was it that had cost those extra pesky 9 bucks?!)

And something else that always bugs me: Why would you sue someone for money when you know they ain't got it? It's like the ISF (insufficient funds) fees charged by banks & such...why charge an extra $25 for a returned check when you KNOW Mr. ISF ain't got $25?! That's why ho's check bounced to begin with! Dayum!

I digress...

Prince signed a 1-year deal for the 2008 season worth $670,000. Well, there ya go. Have the Milwaukee Brewers make out Prince's paychecks to the IRS and Prince can just eat beans & weenies all year.

Perfect. Problem solved.

If You Care...

According to unnamed "sources" close to the Boston Red Sox, the lover's quarrel in the dugout between Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youkilis on Thursday night was due to this:

"It all happened because Manny complained about Youkilis' habit of throwing bats, helmets and other objects in the dugout when he has a bad at-bat, something that has become a constant practice," the source said.

"Other players have told Youkilis in the past about the situation, which makes him look selfish and that he is more worried about each at-bat than about the team. If Boston is winning easily, there's no reason to throw objects all over the dugout because of a bad at-bat.

"There was a meeting where the team let Youkilis know that many of his teammates were tired of his explosive reactions for each bad plate appearance. It became very bothersome … more so when the team is winning and it's in first place. There's not much room for individualistic attitudes."

So Youk is a whiney baby? That's it? That's why you took a swipe at your teammate, Manny? Seriously? Whatever.

I'm sayin', if Youk wants to throw bats, throw bases or throw babies, he should be able to do that without anybody else buttin' in. Well, maybe not that throwin' babies thing, but you get the picture...

For Gawd's sake, Manny goes through the left-field wall at Fenway Park and uses the bathroom between innings. He high-5s the outfield fans at visiting ballparks. He skips team meetings. He demands to be traded. He threatens to hold out on his contract negotiations. He falls alseep on the job. He's basically the biggest "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!" whore on that whole damn club, and he's got the balls to yell at Youkilis for bein' "individualistic" by throwin' helmets?

Laughable.

Why am I still writin' about this twat?

Manny-Youkilis Squabble

What is goin' *on* with these ladies!?!?

The Boston Red Sox are duking it out with the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. They're duking it out with each other. Hell, even the Sox announcers are throwin' 'bows!

Can't we all get along?



The full story of what brought about the fisticuffs between Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youkilis has yet to be aired, but these girls all need to learn to keep their damn hands to themselves.

So is this latest scuffle "Manny Being Manny" or is he just bein' a bitch?

Just Kids Havin' Fun