Spring Training, Here I Come!

I want to apologize for being so lax with the postin' this week. A million & one things to do.

I'm tryin' to wrap shit up at work, make my packin' list for the trip, stay on top of the Spawn to get his homework finished/turned in (his little mind is also startin' to drift towards warm, sunny Florida so I can't blame him...), get my Wally World shoppin' list straight, hit the tanning salon regularly (which I absolutely abhor), blah blah blah.

Oh, and while I'm keepin' all those balls in the air (teehee), I'm also tryin' to avoid gettin' the fuckin' Black Plague that seems to have the entire country in its gnarled death grip!

These bitches up in here BET NOT give me their SARS right before I leave for a 2-week trip! I've been sick while on vacay before and shit ain't cute. Trust!

I'm really hopin' I'll get to post while I'm down there, but it's lookin' pretty slim. Get this shit: our resort doesn't have wireless in the buildings! They say we can spend $25/week ($50 total!)to use the WiFi in the main lobby (like, out in the open, in front of Jesus & er'body!), or we have to use the dial up.

Dial up?! What the hell is that?! That's like, soooo 1990s! Sheesh! And besides, Momma needs her privacy!

Anyhoo, here are a few random tidbits from the mind of the Kween:

• Mike Hampton's back on the mound (simulation only)
• I'll be the crazy bitch at the Braves game on March 20. I apologize for anything that may or may not happen while I'm in attendance
• I've upped my usual fantasy baseball leagues from 1 to 3 (I'm sure I'll suck in all 3 and embarrass myself, as per usual)
• Christian "Ferocia Coutura" Siriano is our new Project Runway winner
• American Idol is pretty spiffy this season (although David "Gay Stripper Hotness" Hernandez just got the boot! What the...?! Who the fuck is votin' for Kristy Lee Cook? Go play with your PS2s (or *yourselves*) you horny 15-year-old boys! My new obsession is Jason Castro anyway....)
• Brit Brit's all "normal" & shit now -- bah, BORING!
• Jennifer Aniston & Owen Wilson are "canoodling" onset. zzzzzzzzz
• The Yankees & Devil Rays are already kickin' the shit out of each other (literally) and throwin' 'bows. Love the dramz! Oh, and how *key-yute* is Jonny Gomes!?!?!
• Fuggie Fug & Josh Duhamel are still engaged, I guess. Crap.
• And for all you pervy people all over the world who find your way to the Kastle by way of a "Jeremy Roloff hot" Google search, here he is. And, I'm not certain, but there may be a coupla Jonas Brothers in that photo, too:
  
  
  

P.S. -- Stay strong, Papa! Love you!

Note To Self:

Don't interrupt filmation of instructional golf videos!

These crazy golf hos don't fuck around!

"Pro golfer" Tripp Isenhour was allegedly tryin' to scare away a protected hawk that was makin' too much noise while he was filmin' an instructional video.

Isenhour took a shot (golf shot, that is) at the bird high up in a tree when he "accidentally" struck & killed it.

Isenhour is now facing criminal charges (of cruelty to animals and killing a migratory bird) for the incident that took place on Dec. 12 in Orlando. He faces up to 14 months in jail and $1,500 in fines.

"About the sixth ball came very near the bird's head, and (Isenhour) was very excited that it was so close," Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officer Brian Baine wrote in a report.

What a fuckin' bloodthirsty, merciless brute this Isenhour is! Monster!

I sure as hell hope he doesn't have kids. God forbid the chirrens start actin' up while Daddy Dearest is watchin' The Legend of Bagger Vance! I shutter to think what would happen to 'em.

After Isenhour clunked the fowl with his ball from roughly 75 yard away, it fell from the tree, bleeding from both nostrils. The bird was buried at the golf course and later dug up by Florida investigators.

Cover up! Cover up!

Give him the chair, I say!! Fry his ass!!! Turn PETA loose on him for five minutes in a dark room! Where's Bob Barker when ya need him!? Yea, yea, get Bob "The Price Is Wrong, Bitch!" Barker on the case!



(The above is not an image of the actual crime victim.)

R.I.P., poor little birdie. Golf pun not intended.

Raise Your Hand If You're Surprised

Mike Hampton exited from his second start of the spring with an injury today. Just a sign of the "nagging crap" yet to come this year, I'm sure.

The strained groin isn't supposed to be serious and he's not expected to miss much mound time, but for the love of God! Is this man made of paper?

"Hopefully he can make his next start," manager Bobby Cox said. "We're keeping our fingers crossed. ... He had great stuff again. If we can stay away from the nagging crap."



Sounds familiar....Hampton's not the only fragile geriatric on the team.


Chipper Jones tweaked a hammy earlier in the week -- I'm really hopin' these pepaws get their aches & pains out in spring training (although all those bitches *best* be on the field on March 20 when I'm attendance at the Braves/Tigers game in Lake Buena Vista!)

Randy Jackson Is Dumb

This man is in the music business (allegedly), so he should've *known* that Kristy Lee Cook's version of Journey's "Faithfully" WAS a country song -- Lorrie Morgan did it back in the day. And KILLED it.

After Kristy performed the song on tonight's American Idol show, Randy said somethin' like "I loved that country twist. That could be a country song." DUH!

Miz Morgan BLEW. IT. UP. forever ago so it ain't like that classic hasn't been recorded in a country twang. Dayum DAWG, I thought you knew!

When I was in junior high, I was such a country music fan (yea, I know). One night, I caught Lorrie performin' a live show on TV. I taped it and watched the hell out of it!

That was the first time I saw her do Faithfully and it stayed with me. I didn't realized that she had actually put it on her Something In Red album in 1991, although I liked the live version better than the studio version. (I still say her Leave the Light On album was the best she's ever done.)

Anyhoo, dumb-dumb Randy carried on like it was the first time he'd heard Faithfully done in a country fashion -- and Kristy just went with it. You KNOW her stoopid ass was thinkin' "Who's Steve Perry? I was doin' the Lorrie Morgan version from the beginnin'!"

But then again, this is the same man who thought Michael Johns sounded like Michael Hutchence after Johns' performance of "Don't You (Forget About Me)" from Simple Minds on Tuesday night. I thought Hutchence was the INXS dude that offed himself eons ago! When did he sing lead for Simple Minds?

Personally, I'm thinkin' Johns sounds too much like Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam. But that's just my ear talkin'.

It might be time for Randy to hang up his Dawg Pound. Dude's losin' it.

And here's one of my faves from Miz Morgan, totally rockin' the cockatoo do, banana clip & Princeton sweatshirt.

Oh, and 'member back when she was robbin' Troy Aikman's cradle? haha!

Hap Burpday To Me, Hap Burpday To Me

Yes, loyal readers, I'm another year older today. I've had *such* a wonderful day -- calls from family & friends, a beautiful card from The Hubster & The Spawn, horrible singing from co-workers.

Ahhhh, what a truly fantastic day!

Oh, and only 11 days 'til I leave for a well-deserved, extended vacay!

Thanks for the well-wishes, dolls!

-muah!

Bust Out The Pepaw Sweaters, Y'All

In honor of the late Mr. Rogers' birthday, March 20 has been heralded "Sweater Day".



The AP reports that "Sweater Day" is the capstone to a six-day celebration planned by Family Communications Inc. of Pittsburgh. Rogers created the company to produce his show.

6 days?!?! Dayum! That's like Mardi Gras or somethin'!

Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood was the shit back in the day! I loved the Land of Make Believe and those crazy-ass handpuppets of royalty.

For the love of everything Holy, people, Mr. McFeely has asked you to wear a sweater! Do it, dammit!

Vive la Mr. Rogers sweater!

That Don't Look Natural

The other day, I posted about how the world can't seem to get enough of Christina Aguilera's post-pregger boobies. My point was, "What's the big damn deal?"

Here she is takin' her puppies out for a walk, and in lookin' at her assets in the photo below, you'll notice two things:

1) Her shits are wonky
2) She got more blue veins than Estelle Getty



Now, as I've stated before, I've given birth (through the hoo-ha, thank you very much -- no C-Section cheatin' goin' on down there), and I've breastfed, so I can say this to you, Christina, mother to mother: Honey, please put 'em away 'til they're ready to be seen in public. When your chesticles look like a road map, they just ain't ready.

Those milk ducts are pushin' the implants hither & yon. Or vice versa.

That is not a breast shape found in nature. That shit looks painful!

Ouch!

Dayum! Those European footballers ain't no joke! Homies are straight up evil.

Birmingham City defender, Martin Taylor, made a leg-breaking tackle on Arsenal striker, Eduardo, in Saturday's Premier League match. A lot of people are claiming that the play was intentional and they're now calling for Taylor's head.

Well, not really, but you know how serious those soccer crazies are! Taylor better hire his ass some bodyguards, STAT! Those Arsenal fans could be out for blood.

Television stations refused to show replays of the gruesome tackle. I'm gonna post some photos below, so if ya don't wanna see 'em, don't scroll down. Not much blood, but still cringe-inducing.

Some have said that Taylor deserves a life ban from the sport for the "horror tackle". Hmm, they may be on to somethin' there.

Arsene Wenger was quoted as saying: "Taylor should never play again. People will say he is not the type of guy who does that. But it is like a guy who kills only once in his life. There is still a dead person."

Eduardo, 24, underwent surgery to repair the compound fracture of his fibula and tibia. It is uncertain when he will be able to return to the pitch, as his career may be over. Sad.

Stop The Presses! Christina Aguilera Has Big Boobs!

What is the big freakin' deal about Xtina's boobage? She just had a baby for cryin' outloud!



Post after post after post after post after post of folks talkin' 'bout her cleavage. Yes, we know. Get over it already.

She had big fakes ones *before* she got preggers, so what do you expect now?

I've got big hoots, too, and you don't see me talkin' about 'em all the time. They were nice to have back in the day, but once those suckers became a food source, not so much.

So can we now all move on from her lactation stations and discuss somethin' else?

Dead Girl Smoking

OK, so maybe Anna Friel (aka "Dead Girl"/Chuck) from Pushing Daisies ain't as healthy as she wanted us to believe last week.

Anna was caught tokin' it up on a photo shoot break the other day.

I don't know what's more shocking: that she's a smoker, or that her baby-daddy is Professor Remus Lupin from Harry Potter!

Yep, Gracie Ellen Mary's pops is David Thewlis.

Yikes!