B-Nasty

Believe it or not, this is Britney drivin' around late last night, cell in hand, of course.

What the hell was she doin' before she jumped behind the wheel? Clawin' her way out of a shallow grave?!?! Those nails are NAST!

Bitch needs to save the $$$ she spends on Starbucks & Marlboros and buy herself a manicure. For realz!

Pusses All Aglow

Holy shit.

Scientists at the Gyeongsang National University have found a way to alter kitty genes to make them glow in the dark. Here's what they claim, according to msnbc:

"They took skin cells from Turkish Angora female cats and used a virus to insert the genetic instructions for making red fluorescent protein. Then they put the gene-altered nuclei into eggs for cloning. The cloned embryos were implanted back into the donor cats, which effectively became the surrogate mothers for their own clones.

Four kittens were born by Caesarian section, but one of them died during the procedure, according to the Korea Times. The fact that the kittens' skin cells glowed under ultraviolet light served as evidence that they were really gene-altered clones."

Dayum, that's a lot of smart stuff.

This could come in handy for so many reasons. Like when my fat-ass, fluffy-ass cat comes sneakin' in the bedroom all stealthy-like and pounces on my head when I'm tryin' to fall asleep. I'd be able to see that bitch comin' and foil his plot to scare the shit outta me. I would finally be victorious! Muahahahahaha!



Those South Koreans are shifty.

But this can't be good for survival at nighttime......

Go On, Tina Girl!

Ike Turner's widow, Jeanette, is asking Tina Turner to forgive her dead-ass husband for all his wife beatin' & cokeheadedness back in the day.

Why the hell should she?! Miz Tina don't owe him shit. She's prolly plannin' to go do the Proud Mary "Big Wheel" dance on his grave when ain't nobody watchin'. I would.

Ike passed away Wednesday, December 12 at the age of 76.

Yahoo! Music reports this:

Ike Turner’s widow Jeanette Turner has asked Tina Turner to forgive him.

Turner passed away earlier this week (December 12) in San Diego.

Tina Turner’s official statement read: "Tina hasn’t had any contact with Ike for more than 35 years. No further comment will be made."

However Jeanette Turner said: " I know that she was hurt. But there’s something called forgiveness and I know Ike really forgave himself, which is really hard to do."

She added: "I’m not defending what he did. I’m not saying he didn’t do what he did when he was with Tina or me. But he was a human being. And being all of that, he’s still a childlike person--pure and a good person always willing to help people."

She told EURweb: "He was a human being and he helped Tina...he helped a lot of people."

Uh huh.

Sayonara, ya drug-addicted wife-beater.

Oh! And if you kinda squint & turn your head to the side, don't Ike look like Real from I Love New York?!?! haha!

Ah, The Pie Maker

Can I just say that I love this man? Seriously. I love him.

I'm in love with Ned The Pie Maker.

I don't care if he looks like a Nicholas Cage/Kevin Spacey love child. Homegirl is pure ADORABLENESS!

If you don't know, my newest obsession is Pushing Daisies. The cast is great: Kristin Chenoweth (Olive Snook), Anna Friel (Chuck, aka "Dead Girl"), Lee Pace (Ned, "The Pie Maker"), Chi McBride (Emerson Cod, the Investigator) and even Digby.

The sets are bright & colorful, the costumes and fashions are fabulously retro, the chemistry between the characters is fantastic, and the dialogue is super fast-paced. Seriously fast-paced. Like, seriously. Don't try to drink beer and watch this show at the same time cuz you'll miss half of what the hell's goin' on. I know this from experience.

Anyhoo, if you haven't seen Pushing Daisies, you must! You can watch a few back episodes online at ABC.

I don't know how long this freakin' writers' strike is gonna last, so you may get lucky enough to see a mound o' re-runs of this show on air very soon. Lucky us!

SausageGate

I'm just in the mood to revisit this little morsel of goodness.

It's SausageGate 2003 (dayum, I can't believe it's been that long ago!)

If ya don't know anything about National League baseball, between the 6th & 7th innings of all home games, the Milwaukee Brewers feature the Sausage Races. And before you ask, no, none of Pamela Anderson's husbands - past or present - are participants.

It's basically a bunch of grown ass people dressed in meat-type costumes racin' around the warning track in the outfield. There's a hot dog, Italian sausage, Polish sausage & bratwurst.

On July 9, 2003, the Italian sausage was the victim of assault at the capable hands of Pirates first baseman Randall Simon. It sounds rough, but honestly, it's the funniest shit ever!

If you saw the video (below) you'd know that it was only a matter of time. There had to be millionz of players who hung over the top of the dugout fence just *waitin'* for the chance to take a swipe at a sausage's ass with a Louisville Slugger. I know I'd be itchin' for a shot.

Read the story for quite the knee-slapper.

I'm surprised it's still available from Page 2 (sarcasm)............

Sidebar: These days I'm hatin' ESPN and here's why: every time I click on a link to a headline on its website, I'm taken to an Insider story. ESPN The Insider is not a free service (and from what I hear from paying customers, it SUCKS and it's not worth the money. And ESPN the Magazine sucks, too. I know that from personal experience). Anyhoo, ESPN already has a monopoly on the sports world (see story on Darren McFadden losing the Heisman Trophy last weekend, brought to you by A-Hun) so why add another shitty story site for which visitors must pay? Fuck off & die, ESPN.

Admittedly, this story's a helluva lot funnier than the video, although the vid's hilarious in a serious, ironic way. These bitches need to get laid! Take it easy, newspeople. It ain't like Randall kilt anybody! He was just engagin' in some harmless meat beatin'.

For Momma

This is posted especially for my Momma.

Here's the deal: I'd barely been popped outta my Momma's uterusus when this catalog went to print, so naturally, I don't remember these zexy fashions.

That being said, perhaps my Daddy was wearin' somethin' along this vein (gag) when I was conceived, cuz, let's face it -- these hos are HAWT!

(Before y'all start emailin' me with your accusations, no, I didn't write this. Der. It's called plagiarism, bitches.)

Here, Momma. Get silly, you old broad:

Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather. While my wife's brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:

There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:

This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you!

Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:



If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:



He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:



If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's Day:



Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.



As does your search for chest hair.

And this -- Seriously. No words.



Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. F*ck. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?





And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."

Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:




I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it's the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:



Man, that's sexy.

Ain't This About the Truth

OK, so I have a husband. I'm a wife. We're equals & shit, right? I'd like to think so. Yet if my husband played me a song similar to this aimed at women (perhaps called the Woman Song...), would I be pissed?

Does hell go with no?!

This is pure awesomeness!

Yes, I'm sure it's been out for like, years, but I'm a bit slow on the internets and have better things to do with my time than comb the millionz of videos on youtube to find something about which to blog.

Oh, who'm I kiddin'...I ain't got shit to do. I just got this in an email today and cackled my fat ass off.

Enjoy!

The Man Song:

Busted!

ESPN reported today that Jose Guillen and Jay Gibbons will be suspended for the first 15 games of the '08 season for usin' steroids.

When will these wankers learn? Cheaters never win.

Gibbons was prolly misinformed when someone told him that the juice would help fix that shiteous ear issue he has goin' on.

L.A. State of Mind

Aiight, so Andruw Jones was signed by the Dodgers today. Whoopty-whoop.

Funny enough, I don't have much to say about this. Had he sold out for the Mets or Yankees, I woulda been pissed. But Los Angeles...? Eh.

I *can* say DAYUM to the $36 millz for only 2 years, considering he was a .222 hitter last season. Of course, he did hit 26 HRs and drive in 94. I knew 2007 was just an off-year for him.

Now, watch him come back & kick the shit outta the Braves next year. He'll prolly OWN Tom Glavine. And he may play some part in puttin' Mike "I'm Made of Paper" Hampton back on the shelf. No matter how it happens, it'll happen: Jackie Paper will wind up injured. Again.

Damn you, Joe Torre. Damn you all to hell!

I don't care how much shit I talk about Druw, I'll still miss is sorry ass in CF. He's been the cornerstone of our outfield for lots o' years and I'll miss his defensive prowess (I've always wanted to say "prowess".) Seriously. I'm gonna miss homegirl.

Anyhoo, I guess he won't be takin' in any more Atlanta Hawks games. He & Raphael Furcal can go watch Kobe do whatever the hell it is that he does.



Oh, and they can make fun of former teammates, like this yay-hoo (cuz I'd sure as hell whoop his ass if I ever seen him wearin' this gayer-than-gay visor. A *visor*?! Dude. Seriously.)

Not Again...

Someone with a mouth as big as mine, and with as many opinions as I have, sometimes has a tough time blogging: so many people, so much mess, so little time. One never knows where to start, however...

There I was today, workin' from home, carin' for my sick spawn as a good mother should, when I decided to flip through the channels on my lunch break. That's when I came upon my fave soap, The Young & The Restless. I ain't watched this shit in MONTHS! Soapnet keeps changin' the air time of this wreck and I just can't keep up anymore.

Not to mention, I'm now the manager of a high-powered, kick-ass fantasy football team and don't have time to watch trashy daytime/nighttime soaps...unless it's I Love New York 2, in which case, I MAKE time. But more on my awesome FFB team later...

Like I said, while the spawn was playin' PS2 and I was innocently watchin' TV, I was thinkin' to myself, "Whatever happened to so-&-so from back in the Y&R day?", with no intention of bloggin' tonight because, well, I just can't decide who'd I like to be my next sharp-tongued target.

So I jumped on my home computer during the noon hour and this vision of loveliness appeared on my screen: Gloria Fisher-Abbott from Y&R.

With all due respect to my non-judgin' grand-momma: MOTHER FUCKER!

What did my eyes ever do to you, Joan Van Ark?! What did they do to deserve this?! They are now layin', bloodied, on the floor.

Knots Landing alums Donna Mills & JVA (allegedly) filmed spots on Nip/Tuck this past week.

How many times do I have to tell you bitches, Nip/Tuck is a fictional TV show! Sean McNamara & Christian Troy are NOT real plastic surgeons! I thought y'all mighta learned somethin' from this horrific mess!

Reporter Janet Charlton had this to say about JVA's visit to the set: "There was endless hair and makeup preparation, and a setsider noted that the only things rail-thin Joan consumed all day were several glasses of water with honey and one banana. But most frustrating was the fact that it took FOUR hours to light Joan to her complete satisfaction. That's longer than it takes to have a facelift AND liposuction."

Banana, my ass! That ho looks like she gave a free blowjob to a blueberry from the catering truck! What the hell kinda procedure ends with a blue muzzle?

I've heard electrolysis ain't no joke, but even this Tinseltown dinosaur should know not to go out in public 15 minutes after an electro session! DAYUM!

If my momma was dead, she'd be rollin' over in her grave, Valene Ewing. What did you do to yourself? You know Gary ain't gonna be happy to see your blue-faced ass!





Aside from the blueberry fellatio, what's up with the rusty brows & eyeliner?! Sister, yo' roots ain't even that color, and that ain't NO natural color found under the sun created by the Holy Maker himself.

If I were you, I'd lose the number to Michael Jackson's dermatologist. His ass ain't nothin' but trouble, TRUST!

Oh, and, by the way, I might pick up some Mineral Veil to hide that shine. But that's just me...