Movin' The Snoop Bloggie Blog

NEW BLOG SITE HERE!

Over the next few weeks, I'm gonna be givin' the Kastle a makeover. If you experience any technical difficulties, don't fret, lambs. It'll all work itself out.

Bear with me as I shake out the lice and head into greener pastures. I hope to be bigger, better and even more offensive than before. It *is* football season, after all...

Viva la Kween!

OK, Folks, Here We Go - Fantasy Football!

My only 3 fans have emailed me wantin' more, more, more. Just like little newborns who want to suckle every half hour. Dayum! I'm doin' the best I can!

Between the realization that my Braves are the worst team in baseball (65 wins as of today, so pretty much true) and back-to-school craziness, and work, and soccer and every other parental stressor, I've been MIA. For that, I apologize to you faithful fans. Both of you.

I can honestly say that I haven't watched an entire Braves game in about 2 months (it's bad, folks) but the fantasy football bug has sure as hell bit the shit outta me.

Last year I had 1 team -- this year I have 11. Obsess much?

Needless to say, I can't give you the blow-by-blow on every player that I own, but let's just say that after week one, it ain't lookin' too pretty.

I did have a few wins last week, but I don't think I even have a .500 record between all those teams of mine. Sad, sad.

LaDainian Tomlinson was a let-down. Willis McGahee = nothin'. Chester The Molester Taylor was pitiful. Kellen Winslow, Santonio Holmes, terrible, terrible.

I'm lookin' forward to my match-up this week with my private league's commish. She talks a lotta shit 'cause she's got Romolicious, but I'm rollin' the dice with Jay Cutler this time around. Screw Eli Manning!!



I have no idea who that bitch is, but I did an image search for fantasy football and there she was. You're welcome, Marky Mark. I'm sure she has a great personality, is really smart, and knows a lot about football. Mmm-hmm. I'm convinced of it.

Anyboobs, if you're managing fantasy teams this year, good luck, bitches!!

Nothing To See Here

I've been out of it for a few days, lambs. "Down in the dumps", as MeMe would say. Feelin' just BLAH.

Since I've last posted, Manny became a Dodger, Brett became a Jet, the Braves are 9.5 games out of first..and most grievously, our beloved Skip Caray passed, taking my childhood and most of adulthood with him.

Suffice it to say, those last two happenings have just about done me in. I feel like my head's not on straight (like, when has it *ever* been on straight, right??)

I'll pop back on the blog soon, I hope. Just too much goin' on right now to crank out a quality post.

Junior Off To Chi-Town

Ken Griffey, Jr. has agreed to be traded from the Cincinnati Reds to the Chicago White Sox.

As a 10/5 player (10 years in the bigs, 5 with the same team), he had the right to thumb his nose as the Sox's offer. Griff's in his 9th season with the Red Legs.

Full deets forthcoming, but as it stands, he's going from 4th to 1st, so good for him! The White Sox lead the AL Central by 1.5 games. The down & out Reds are 7 games below .500 and 13.5 out in the NL Central race.

We'll see how the Sox shuffle the defense since they're already at full capacity in the outfield with Jermaine Dye & Carlos Quentin at the corners and Nick Swisher in center. Speculation is that Swisher would platoon with Paul Konerko. Nicky's only hittin' .230 with 15 HRs and 50 RBIs.

Griff would then man the CF spot, a position he hasn't played in 2 years.

Welcome back to the AL, Junior!

Manny The Marlin?

Reports are circulating that the Red Sox, Marlins & Pirates are working on a 3-way "blockbuster" trade that would land Manny Ramirez in Miami (for 2 months), Jeremy Hermida in Pittsburgh and Jason Bay in Boston.

Florida's Josh Willingham may also get shifted, but nothing's confirmed.

What a strange twist of fate for Manny Being Mouthy. He would go from perennial sell-out Fenway Park with an annual average attendance of 36,000+ to Dolphin Stadium where the average 2008 attendance is less than half that -- 15,463.

Granted, having the 2-month rental of this dingleberry would probably greatly improve attendance for the Marlins, thus skewing attendance results for eternity. But the Fish *are* involved in a pennant race, so one would hope that fans would head out to support their hometown team.

The Marlins are only 1.5 games out of first place with a big Philly series opening on Aug. 5 and the Mets 3 days later.

Lots o' baseball left, lambs. Anything can happen!

I'm A Fan!

I found this foolio on the ajc message boards and two days in a row, he's posted *the* most inspirational song lyrics.

Because of this ho, I feel like I can go on. Seriously.

I hope P. Rose posts new ditties every day until spring training '09!


By P. Rose
July 29 2:51 p.m., to the tune of Nirvana's "Teen Spirit":

Smells Like Team Quit It
Load up young guns
Please, Frank Wren!
It sucks to lose and rarely win
This team is lower than a turd
(I know, I know a dirty word)
Hello, hello - HOW LOW??
Without Chipper, we’re less dangerous
Let the tool race entertain us
Ticket prices are outrageous
Let the big cow entertain us
Gregor Blanco? A mosquito!
Martin Prado? No libido! Yeah!
It’s good to get this off my chest
And for this blog I feel blessed
Our little team has always been
Contenders up until the end
Hello, hello - HOW LOW??
Without Hudson, we’re less dangerous
Let the kiss cam entertain us
Cause the beer price is outrageous
Let the cap thing entertain us
Gregor Blanco? Too petite-o!
Martin Prado? Bean Burrito! Yeah!
And I forget just why I came
A parking place is hard to find
Unless I want to walk a mile
Oh well, whatever, nevermind
Hello, hello - HOW LOW??
With Mike Hampton, we’re less dangerous
Let the tool race entertain us
And the losing is contagious
Let the big cow entertain us
Gregor Blanco? Holy sheet-o!
Martin Prado? We concede-o!
In denial! In denial! In denial!


By P. Rose
July 30 11:20 a.m., to the tune of The Beatles (or Boyz II Men, dependin' on yer musical style) "Yesterday":

Yesterday by Angels general manager Tony Reagins
Yesterday Mark Teixeira seemed so far away
Now it looks as though he’s here to stay
Oh I believe in yesterday
Suddenly The Braves ain’t half the team they used to be
They’re so wussy now they sit to pee
Oh I believe in yesterday
Why they have to blow I don’t know, they wouldn’t say
They’re screwed up the shaft ‘specially after yesterday
Yesterday Mark Teixeira seemed so far away
Then Atlanta gave their balls away
Oh I believe in yesterday
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

VIVE LE P. ROSE!!!

Admit it, he gets points for creativity and for tryin' to find funny in this club's heinous season.

So Long, Tex...So Long, 2008 Season

(photo: Steve Mitchell, US Presswire)

It's now old news that Mark Teixeira was traded by the Atlanta Braves to the Los Angeles California Anaheim Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim for 1B Casey Kotchman & P Stephen Marek.

Can't say I'm thrilled about it, but I also wasn't happy when Edgar Renteria was signed a coupla years ago. He eventually became one of "my boys" and I was sad to see him leave.

It takes me a while to warm up to new players on my team. What can I say, I'm a bitch. (hush yer mouth)

I'm really gonna miss Tex's switch hitting skills -- and his glove! Homegirl's defense is sick! Gonna be hard to replace that aspect of his game.

Tex was quoted as saying, "I thought I'd be here (in Atlanta) the rest of my career."

I call bullshit.

I understand his ties to the area, but he knew comin' here last July that Frankie Wren & Co. was never gonna pay him the kinda dollaz that Scott Boras demands. We don't have bottomless pockets like the Red Sox, the Yankees, yaddy yaddy. Tex seems like a great guy, but there's somethin' to be said about havin' a ruthless snake of an agent like Borass!


Now, on to the annihilation of the "2008 Season of Shoulda Coulda Wouldas":



Prior to Tex packin' his bags, the Braves packed its season, jumped in the terrlit and flushed.

I was so nervous about the weekend series with the Phillies that I couldn't even blog about it beforehand. Friday's game had me feelin' hopeful, but, again, I couldn't blog it. I just couldn't jinx us.

Turns out, they didn't need my help...

Saturday's debacle was excruciating. The oh-so-hyped resurrection of Mike "I'm Made of Paper" Hampton, the 6-run lead, the coming-alive of our flaccid offense...things were lookin' good!

But, what happened? Oh yea, Royce Ring & Blaine Boyer happened. (Yes, I know they weren't the *only* players at fault, but I'm blamin' 'em 'cause I can't stand 'em!)

If we thought Saturday was rough, we had no idea what was in store for us mere hours later...

Sunday brought torrential downpours and another horrid freak show of bullpen prowess (eye roll). The pitching *again* managed to blow a huge lead and we bit it. Hard.

We soooo needed to (at least) take 2-3 from the Phils. Or sweep! But there's no fire in this team. Finally manage to score a shit-load of runs in a series and still hand it over to the opposition. Pretty sure the Phils and their fans are laughin' at us. Oh, and Mets and their fans, too.

Monday saw the St. Louis Cardinals fly into town for a 4-game set, and the Cards brought a coupla ass whoopin's with 'em.

What I thought was funny about last night's game was the fact that Ryan Ray Franklin got the win for Saint Loo-ee. Believe it or not, I dated dude waaaaaaay back in the day! HA! Crazy, huh?! I digress...

So as it stands now, the Braves are 49-57, 8.5 games behind the Mets.

Chipper Jones, Tim Hudson, John Smoltz, Manny Acosta, Pete Moylan, Tom Glavine & Matt Diaz are all on the shelf and Brian McCann's melon is busted so he's outta the lineup, too!

Sigh.......It's been one helluva season, ladies. One helluva season.

Thankfully, Jair Jurrjens takes to the hill tonight. JJ's one of only a few bright spots starring in this tragic comedy.

And one final note: MoonKween's '08-'09 fantasy football draft is Aug. 15!! WOOT!!

Let's take a walk down memory lane to last year's crappy season, shall we?

I Can't Believe What I Just Heard

I think my ears are still bleedin' & screamin' for mercy.



I just wasted 3.5 hours of my life -- 3.5 hours that I'll never get back -- listening to the Braves lose to the Phillies in the most heinous fashion: by blowing a 6-run lead and ultimately leaving 8 runners on base.

What I can't figure out is this: Why the F*CK is Blaine Boyer on this team?!?! Why is he & his shiteous 2-6 record wasting space in the majors? Pitiful excuse for a major league pitcher.

The Braves scored 9 runs in the 4th inning and went up 9-3...what happens the following inning? What else -- their pitchers implode and give up 7 runs. Phils win 10-9.

Un.Fucking.Believable.

Sickening. Vomitous. Abominable. Horrid. Repulsive. Dreadful. Loathsome.

I could go on, but you get my point.

Mike Hampton made is first start in 3 years and he took his lumps, sure. But the Braves could've pulled out the win if it weren't for the Braves embarrassing bullpen.

Bobby Cox shoulda just stayed with Hampton and let him work his way out of the bases-loaded-no-out situation in the 5th. I'm sure he coulda done a better job than Royce Ring & Boyer.

By the way, Royce Ring & Blaine Boyer -- get new names! The alliteration ain't cute, it's annoying! Ugh! I digress....

Aside from blowin' that honkin' lead, the Braves had innings 5-9 in which they couldn't push across one runner on base!

I've said several times this season that I don't think the Braves are worth my time. Why do I continue to punish myself by following these losers? They reinvent ways to hand over victories. Seriously. I'm startin' to think they're gettin' paid to *not* win.

If the Braves haven't had a closed door meeting recently, they need one, STAT! I'm pretty sure some asses need to be kicked after today's game...and some asses need to be kicked off this team! Fer realz.

I'm The Greatest Hitter In The World

I saw this commercial for the first time tonight and automatically thought about The Spawn -- whom I miss so much it hurts.

Yes, I may have a heart of cold, black ice but I'm still a Momma, dammit. Don't judge!



The Spawn's on the west coast with the g'parents for a 10-day vacation and I'm missin' him like the Braves miss October baseball. For realz.

*sniff, sniff*

I haven't been separated from The Spawn for this long since he was a wee tot and he went back home with Nana to visit the fam down south while I stayed up in The Great White North. *blubber, blubber*

But he'll be home in a few days (YAY!) and I'll totally get on his nerves with my huggin' & kissin' & fawnin'...he'll be ready to hit L.A. again.

He'll be callin' up BritBrit to ask if he can move in with her so he can be ignored by a mother and devoid of any attention or affection.

Just him, some chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts, Diet Dr. Pepper & his Nintendo DS.

Hey, he likes what he likes...

Just By The Hair Of Gonzo's Chinny-Chin-Chin

After a *ahem* hairy 9th inning, the ever so gorgeous & talented Mike Gonzalez was able to notch his 34th consecutive save Friday night by getting Austin Kearns to fly out to, who else, Mr. Snoozefest himself, Jeff Francoeur. (Sorry, dude's puttin' me in a coma these days...)

Whew. The disgusting Mets (finally) lost tonight but the Phillies won. Boo! Hiss!

(The ever so gorgeous & talented Mike Gonzalez, far left. Photo: northfultontimes.com)

No ground gained for the Braves in the NL East with the 7-6 win over the Washington Nationals, but at least they didn't fall in the standings.

Congrats, Huddy, on win #10. Long over-due, my man.

It's on you, JJ! Let's get 'em again tomorrow, boyz! The time is *now* for the Braves to remove heads from asses!

(I'm such a lady...)

Shit, if the Mets can go on a tear, why can't we??

This Is Not A Joke

Click here to read an age-old story that's been retold & retold & retold & retold & re...well, you get the idea.

Fun times.

*yawn*

Showin' Some Love

I'm watchin' the home run derby on ESPN right now and also browsin' one of my favorite blogs, BravesLove.

Lauren is currently doing a live derby commentary. Check out BravesLove sometime and tell her the Kween sent'cha!

Just givin' my homegirl a shout out!

Oh, and the Hammer's throwin' it DOWN!

Final round, lambs!

Hammer, don't hurt 'em!

Peas!

Update: Dang, Hammer didn't hurt 'em in the last round! :-(

10:52 p.m. EST and he didn't win! BOO!!!!

Umm, Frenchy's Back? Already?

Christmas came early for Jeff Francoeur.



While I'm sure there are thousands of people who are thrilled that Frenchy was recalled from AA Mississippi today, you can't count me as one of those happy revelers.

I have 2 reasons for my thinking, which I'll discuss in a bit.

3 days.

That's it. He was in the minors for 3 effin' days.

What started as a "minimum of 10 days" became 72 hours.

What the hell?!?!

I don't buy what GM Frank Wren's sellin': That he didn't recall Francoeur because of "injuries" sustained by Braves players over the weekend. Where the hell is Brandon Jones?! Why can't he play? Or Josh Anderson?

Francoeur was the ONLY option? And it was the way he was hittin' the cover off the ball in a dozen ABs?

I call bullshit, Frankie!

Don't get me wrong, for the sake of my team, I hope dude rebounds & hits .538 for the remainder of the season in an Atlanta Braves uniform and helps carry this club to the World Series, but I don't see that happenin'. I'd like to believe that he's cured of his shittiness at the plate.

Reason #1 the Kween's not happy: The Golden Child of Atlanta has yet another call go in his favor. Not sayin' he doesn't work hard, but this kid has seemingly had every opportunity handed to him -- he's the Face of the Braves Future. Why not leave him in Mississippi and let him get his groove back? Frank Wren, you're a joke.

And suddenly, Frenchy's "putting aside hard feelings" now that he's gotten the call-up. Hmm. Funny how that happens.



Reason #2 the Kween's not happy: So he went 7-13 in 3 games and hit .538 for the Mississippi Braves. So what?

The dude was sent down because he didn't have a handle on the strike zone, he couldn't hit the broad side of a barn and he was overwhelmed by major league pitching.

And after 3 short days with Phillip Wellman he's completely transformed? Not a chance.

So he "tears up the minor leagues" and all of a sudden, he's back in the bigs? Then why not bring up *every* minor leaguer who gets lucky & hits .500+ in 3 games. Ooh, yea, let's do that!

The revolving doors of Major League Baseball...

Shit, let's call up Reid Gorecki! He's hittin' .429 after goin' 3-7 in 2 games!

Umm, no. That would be riDONKulus and so is this Frenchy decision.

Braves Win Long One

1 hour 55 minute rain delay

5 hour 35 minute game

17 innings

Longest game in Turner Field history

Braves 7, Astros 6

Players of the game: Tex & Syndrome

Not much else to say. Have a great road trip, fellas!


(Brant Sanderlin/AJC)

He Should Just Settle & Get It Over With

Cynthia Rodriguez wants a divorce and will file tomorrow.

Oh snap!

If Alex Rodriguez allows his divorce to go to trial (a la Christie Brinkley & Peter Cook -- YIKES!), all hell will break loose.

According to "sources" (eye roll), A-Rod not only has had extra-marital affairs but has also been "brainwashed" by Madonna and her kabbalahlalalaballahahlala.

Madonna denies that there's anything shady goin' on with the slugger, but her marriage to Guy Ritchie is also reportedly on the rocks.

And not to be outdone, C-Rod is supposedly sleepin' with Lenny Kravitz. Who the hell can keep up with these sluts! Dayum!

You'll remember last year A-Rod was accused of entering a strip club with a "mystery blonde". Hell, for all I know, she just happened to be in the background of the photo. Maybe he didn't even know her so who's to say he was having an affair. Umm, yea.

Anyhoobs, the divorce suit also claims "emotional abandonment". And if the reports are to be believed, A-Rod has only seen his 10-week-old daughter, Ella, a handful of times.

But if you had an inkling that your hubby was sleepin' around last year, *why* would you have another baby with him?!?!

The couple also has a 3-year-old daughter, Natasha.

Sad. Sad.

2008 MLB All-Stars Announced

Let me start by saying that the entire Cubs 40-man roster is goin' to the All-Star game. Those a-holes and their fans totally stuffed the ballot boxes!

Oh, and the Red Sox, too. F*ckers.

(Starters in bold.)

AL
1B: Kevin Youkilis, BOS
2B: Dustin Pedroia, BOS
3B: A-Rod, NYY
SS: Derek Jeter, NYY (gag!)
OF: Josh Hamilton, TEX (1st selection) YAY!! Love him! Sober since Oct. 2005. Glory be to God!
OF: Manny Ramirez, BOS (gag! so sick of this bitch)
OF: Ichiro Suzuki, SEA
DH: David Ortiz, BOS (Milton Bradley will be takin' his spot)
C: Joe Mauer, MIN
P: Scott Kazmir, TB
P: George Sherrill, BAL (who?!?!)
P: Roy Halladay, TOR
P: Mariano Rivera, NYY
P: Jonathan Papelbon, BOS
P: Justin Duchscherer, OAK
P: Joe Nathan, MIN
P: Joakim Soria, KC
P: Cliff Lee, CLE
P: Francisco Rodriguez, LAA
P: Ervin Santana, LAA
P: Joe Saunders, LAA
Reserve: J. D. Drew, BOS
Reserve: Jason Varitek, BOS
Reserve: Joe Crede, CWS
Reserve: Carlos Quentin, CWS
Reserve: Grady Sizemore, CLE
Reserve: Carlos Guillen, DET
Reserve: Justin Morneau, MIN
Reserve: Milton Bradley, TEX
Reserve: Ian Kinsler, TEX
Reserve: Michael Young, TEX
Reserve: Dioner Navarro, TB

NL
1B: Lance Berkman, HOU
2B: Chase Utley, PHI
3B: Chipper Jones, ATL (YAY!)
SS: Hanley Ramirez, FLA
OF: Ryan Braun, MIL
OF: Alfonso Soriano, CHC (been out since June 7 after being hit in the hand by a Jeff Bennett pitch)
OF: Kosuke Fukudome, CHC (there's no way in hell this dude should start the All-Star game. Carols Lee or Corey Hart should get the nod before this wanker. That just goes back to the ballot-stuffin' in Chicago...)
C: Geovany Soto, CHC
P: Aaron Cook, COL
P: Tim Lincecum, SF
P: Dan Haren, ARI
P: Ben Sheets, MIL
P: Carlos Zambrano, CHC
P: Brandon Webb, ARI
P: Ryan Dempster, CHC
P: Brian Wilson, SF
P: Edinson Volquez, CIN
P: Kerry Wood, CHC
P: Brad Lidge, PHI
P: Billy Wagner, NYM
Reserve: Brian McCann, ATL
Reserve: Aramis Ramirez, CHC
Reserve: Matt Holliday, COL
Reserve: Dan Uggla, FLA
Reserve: Miguel Tejada, HOU
Reserve: Russell Martin, LAD
Reserve: Nate McLouth, PIT
Reserve: Albert Pujols, STL
Reserve: Ryan Ludwick, STL
Reserve: Adrian Gonzalez, SD
Reserve: Cristian Guzman, WAS

What the fuckity fuck is Brian McCann doin' a reserve!? And where the fuckity fuck is Jair Jurrjens?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!

How could Dan Heren be a selection while JJ's not even an honorable mention!? Not. Happy.

I'm sure we're all sick of hearin' it, but it bears repeating: What a story Josh Hamilton is!

I saw his interview with the TBS crew today and he really is an inspiration. Out of the game for over 3 years, druggie, shoulda been dead or in prison, etc., etc., etc. And here he is, makin' his first All-Star appearance. Two little girls and a third on the way...Beautiful.

Bittersweet stories like this one threaten to melt my cold, black heart. I'll be a Hammer fan for life.

And it's good to see Harold Reynolds on TV again, after this little mess a while back.

Mike Hampton Pitched And Didn't Injure Himself

Do my eyes deceive me?

The AJC reported that Mike "I'm Made of Paper" Hampton threw five scoreless innings in Myrtle Beach on Saturday night...and his body is still in tact! Woot!

Hampton's been workin' that pec muscle for, like, yeeeears now. Dayum, he coulda had every muscle in his body replaced and still been back in the rotation by now! I digress...

Hampton will also join Jeff Francoeur and Matt Diaz in Jacksonville to pitch for AA Mississippi on Thursday.

Family Bravos reunion!

I hope those Mississippi Braves fans are enjoyin' themselves down there. They get to see these hos play for, like, $8 or something. All those folks at Turner Field have had to pay out the nose to see Frenchy stink it up lately.

(Photo by Mississippi Braves. Dayum! Thank you, Mississippi Braves. Thank you.)

Oh, and in 8 ABs, Frenchy is hitting .375 with 3 H, 2 R, 1 RBI, 1BB & 1 SO.

Poor Matty's hittin' only .143 in 7 ABs with 1 H, 1 R, 1 BB, 1 SO & 1 SB. Yesssss! A stolen base! Me thinks that gimpy knee is feelin' better.

Let's remember Frenchy & Matty in happier times:




(Perhaps not such a happy time for Matty...)

See Ya In A Coupla Weeks

(photo: Brant Sanderlin/AJC)

Look, even Chino Cadahia's sickened in the photo above.

As I'm sure you've heard, my struggling Atlanta Braves sent struggling Jeff Francoeur down to the minors today and called up Jason Perry to replace the star in right field.

This is one of the best moves the Braves have made all year, in my opinion.

But opinions are like assholes...

I've read blogs where folks are saying they're "so sad" by the move; they really feel bad for Frenchy. Wah, wah, wah.

I read a story today where Jeff was quoted as saying "This has really put a damper on my relationship with the Atlanta Braves."

Umm, you can't tell me you were the ONLY person who didn't see this comin', Jeffrey! So how could this possibly hurt your relationship with the ballclub? We've been told time after time that "baseball is a business". As much as it sucks, it's the troof!

The story went on as such: 'I love playing for the city. I love playing for the fans and always have,' said Francoeur, who grew up in Gwinnett County. 'But I'm disappointed with the decision and how the whole process went down.'

He has lived a mostly charmed baseball life since he arrived from Mississippi three years ago — hitting a three-run home run in his major-league debut July 7, 2005, and making the cover of Sports Illustrated later that season, but his struggles this season led to his demotion.

However, Francoeur said he thought he might have been warned ahead of time what the team was considering. He said Thursday's conversation — which lasted maybe five minutes — came as a surprise to him after playing nearly every day for three seasons."

What kind of warning do you need?? Shouldn't your numbers speak loudly enough as a warning? It's not like a .234 BA sneaked up on yo' ass!

Pardon me, but if Cal "Iron Man" Ripken had a BA of .234 after 2,000 games, his ass wouldn't've started game #2,001, so don't gimme that crap, Jeffrey Brandon.

(Dave O'Brien of the AJC listed Jeff's 2008 season stats and it ain't pretty.)

And let's just set the record straight: the Braves let Frenchy make the choice of where he wanted to go. Richmond vs. Mississippi (AAA vs. AA). And he said he wanted to go to Mississippi, which is where his former hitting coach is located.

Not many teams would give a player an option -- they'd just *tell* you where you were goin'.

And that former hitting coach is none other than Phillip Wellman. You 'member him, right? If not, watch the clip below.



I'll close by saying that I wish Frenchy nothing but the best. He *is* an Atlanta Brave and I know his fans and teammates can't wait for him to return home...

...with a better knowledge of the strike zone.

..............................................................................................................

And btw, Perry was 1-4 with an RBI tonight. heehee

Are The Atlanta Braves Worthy Of My Affection?

I've asked myself this question numerous times over the past 20 or so years. Even at the pinnacle of the Braves' success in the 90s, at some point in every season, this team pisses me off.

Yes, we've endured heartbreak as fans of this team, but I get the feelin' this 2008 season will do us all in. This team will be the death of me.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I don't really even want to watch them anymore this season. I'm sick of all the bullshit:

• Will Mark Teixeira stay or go at the end of the season?
  
• Should Jeff Francoeur be benched for a while?
  
• Is Kelly Johnson a true lead-off hitter?
  
• Is Yunel Escobar a true lead-off hitter?
  
• Will we get a slugging outfielder to help with our hitting woes?
  
• Do we need a couple more (reliable) arms in the bullpen?
  
• Will we acquire another (reliable, established) starter for our rotation?
  
• Why is it that this team can't play good, sound, fundamental baseball?
  
• How many more years will pass before Mike Hampton pitches again?
  
• Was Mark Kotsay a mistake? (Although, Joey Devine - the player we traded to Oakland for Kotsay - has been on the DL since the end of May so he ain't exactly helpin' his team either.)
  
• Does Bobby Cox need to hang it up? Is he senile? Why oh why does he make the decisions that he makes?
  
• Why the hell is Blaine Boyer in the majors? Moreso, why the hell is he on my team?
  
• How many games out of first place will we be come September 1?
  
• How many games under .500 will we be come September 1?

I think I summed up my love for the Braves in my first blog post ever. But now I'm not really feelin' 'em. I'm tired of gettin' beat down night after night.

They need to light a fire under their asses. All of 'em! The one time (all season) that I've seen life on the field was on June 18 when the gorgeous & talented Mike Gonzalez came out with guns a'blazin' and got his first save in over a year. He was on FIRE! He was pumped! It was great...



But the rest of this team plays like shit. It's like they're all in a coma.

Oh, and I'm pretty convinced that June 18 was the last time the Braves won a game. (sarcasm)

So I think I'd have more fun gettin' my choch Brazilian waxed than watchin' these hos get swept by the Phillies. Sigh.

Shit, who'm'I kiddin'? I'll be watchin' tonight. It's that whole abusive boyfriend thing...I love him as much as I hate him.

Phils Option Myers To Triple-A

I'm a firm believer in karma. I understand that whole "what goes around comes around" crapola.

As far as I'm concerned (which ain't a lot) Brett Myers being demoted to the minor leagues was pure karma, baby!

Back in the spring, Wife Beater pulled this little "prank" on fellow Phillies pitcher Kyle Kendrick. If you don't have time to watch the video, here's a run-down: funny man Myers tells Kendrick that he's been traded to Japan's Yomiuri Giants for a player named Kobayashi Iwamura. MLB players can't be traded to Japan but poor KK didn't know that. Huge, elaborate joke. KK's freakin' out. Blahzay, blahzay.

Here's what I think is so great: Kendrick is 8-3 this season. He's 8-3 and Wife Beater is 3-9.

(On a sad note, Kendrick's 8th win came against my less-than-stellar Atlanta Braves tonight. Boo hoo.)

Myers is just one more "established" pitcher to find himself schleppin' it in the minors this season. Say hi to Dontrelle for us!

But I will say this: I commend Myers for not choking, punching, slapping, pummeling or beating anyone in his organization (or his wife!) upon makin' the decision to go down.

These People Are RiDONKulus

Just a few days ago, Houston Astros pitcher Shawn "Chokeon" Chacon was told to hit the road after he body-slammed his general manager, now the Red Sox's Manny Ramirez is bein' a douche.

Again.

Yawn.

Manny was pissed at the club's traveling secretary, Jack McCormick, because he couldn't get 16 tickets for family members at the last minute. Poor JMc wasn't able to pull 'em outta his ass fast enough, so Manny pushed him to the ground.

JMc is 64 years old!

Senior citizen abuse ain't cute. Just ask Don Zimmer.





Ya know, I'm with this guy.

And this guy -- when IS Boston gonna start kickin' Manny's ass?! For God's sake, it's not like HE'S real worried about hurtin' anybody's feelings. He seems to be able to get away with whatever the hell he wants to; can do whatever the hell he wants to.

Ken Rosenthal has a point...it's time for the Red Sox to take out the trash next season. Let this bitch go.

Watch! The Braves'll sign him! HA!

They need a "slugger" in the lineup & Manny's slugged a myriad of folks this season.

Bein' A GM In The Major Leagues Is Bad For Your Health

If you thought bein' an MLB home plate umpire was a dangerous job, try bein' a general manager.

Yesterday, Ed Wade, GM of the Houston Astros, was *choked* by pitcher Shawn Chacon following a heated exchange between the two men in the dining room before Houston's game against Texas. Mmm, boy -- nothin' gets me fired up like buffet style green beans!

Chacon has been suspended indefinitely (duh!).

The Houston Chronicle reports: "According to Chacon, he was in the dining room after batting practice when (manager Cecil) Cooper asked him to come to his office.

"I said, 'What do you want to speak to me about?' " Chacon said. "He said, 'We just want to talk to you.' I said, 'Anything you can say, you can say to me right here. I don't want to go to the office.' He looked at me, and I said, 'There's nothing for me to say to you guys.' And I don't think whatever they had to say to me they were going to make me happy. I didn't want to get in a closed-room conversation."

"I sat down to eat, and Ed Wade came to me and very sternly said, 'You need to come with me to the office.' I said, 'For what? I don't want to go to the office with you and Cooper.' And I said, 'You can tell me whatever you've got to tell me right here.' He's like, 'Oh, you want me to tell you right here?' And I said, 'Yeah.' I'm not yelling. I'm calm."

It deteriorated quickly afterward, according to Chacon.

"He started yelling and cussing," Chacon said of Wade. "I'm sitting there, and I said to him very calmly, 'Ed, you need to stop yelling at me. Then I stood up and said, 'You better stop yelling at me.' I stood up. He continued and was basically yelling and stuff and was like, 'You need to (expletive) look in the mirror.' So at that point I lost my cool, and I grabbed him by the neck and threw him to the ground. I jumped on top of him, because at that point I wanted to beat his (behind). Words were exchanged."

Words were exchanged? Umm, pretty sure that's an understatement, Shawn Chokeon!

The Choke Artist is pissed that he was demoted from starter to relief pitcher over the weekend. By the way, the numbers from his last start, June 19, look like this: 5.0 IP, 8 H, 6 R, 6 ER, 2 HR, 4 BB, 0 SO.

He ain't all that outstandin' anyway. Career 45-61 record & 5.0 ERA. Meh.

Here's my point: When your general manager (it's the GM, not the towel boy!) asks to speak with you, YOU. DO. IT! Period. No questions asked. He has a *lot* to do with your $2 million dollar paycheck, dude.

You don't jump up and Latrell Sprewell his ass! Dayum!

GMs of the future, beware. I guess ya just never know which player's gonna snap and go for the jugular.

Perfect Show To Watch Following A Horrible Braves Loss

I've got one word for ya, people: Wipeout

Wipeout premiered last night on ABC, just in time to bring some much-needed laughter to my life and It. Was. HIGHlarious!

Admittedly, I couldn't watch it "live" because The Spawn's all-star game was last night, so I had to DVR it. I was completely pooped when I got home (it's been a long couple of weeks), so I just washed my face, brushed my teeth and hit the sheets.

Feeling completely shitty about another crushing Braves loss (I promise, for once, this won't be a Braves bashing post. I'll put my fingers on lockdown mode and just focus on the show), I had planned to watch another 20-year-old Golden Girls episode (don't judge!) but instead, I turned on Wipeout.

Within 2 minutes I was laughin' hysterically. Not just laughin', I'm talkin' full-on wheezin' & snortin'!

Naturally, The Spawn came in & chewed me out for startin' the show without him so I had to rewind it. I'm glad he did, 'cause it was even sweeter the 2nd time around, I'm tellin' ya!

We laid there and laughed *so* hard. I think I peed a little.

Here's why the show is perfect summer fun:
You've got great hosts in John Anderson (ESPN's SportsCenter) and John Henson (comedian -- He hosted Talk Soup waaaaay back in the day, and I think I've seen him doin' stuff on vh1...I can't remember, but it's not important. Just know that he's funny).

You've got 24 contestants to start the game. Naturally, the hosts ("The Johns", as they shall henceforth be known) make fun of pretty much all of 'em as they're racin' through the first obstacle course (think Mystery Science Theater 3000 with The Johns as Joel Robinson, Crow and Tom Servo). Most of the contestants don't even make it past the first 5 minutes of the show, at which time they're cast back to whatever podunk town from which they came.

A bunch of losers go home at the end of round one, with the winners advancin' to the next round of obstacles. A few rounds of weedin' out the riff-raff and the last 4 standin' go on to the final obstacle course, The Wipeout Zone.

Just when you think it's all complete hilarity, you realize that you're secretly *rooting* for a favorite! So while you may still be peein' your pants due to the physical catastrophes before your eyes, in a way, you start gettin' serious about it...like you have somethin' ridin' on this insane gameshow.

The person with the fastest time through The Wipeout Zone is deemed the winner and takes home $50,000.

Bottom line, it's great fun and if nothin' else, it'll take your mind off of how crappy *your* team may be playin' at the moment. (See people, I didn't say one degrading word about the Braves...I kept my promise!)



How can you NOT love a game with obstacles such as "The Dreadmill", "Dizzy Dummy" and "Dirty Balls"?!?!

You can watch the premier of Wipeout here. I dare ya not to laugh!

Smoltz Soldiers On

Just days after season-ending (we don't *dare* say career-ending!) shoulder surgery, John Smoltz conducted his 15th annual youth baseball camp today.

Way to be, Smoltzie!!

These pics are awesome. A true testiment to the character of John Smoltz. He couldn't dare let down his youngest fans by cancelling the camp -- or by sending, say, Mike Hampton in his place.

That was a joke. You can un-scrunch your face now.

(Look at the smile on his face! He's lovin' it!)


(You can almost *see* the little cartoon hearts floating above that adorable little boy's head!)

(What a lucky little guy to get to spend the day with a future-HOFer!)

We miss ya Smoltzie!

Reports have also surfaced that Smoltz gets to begin light throwing in a matter of months. We all wish him a speedy recovery.

You can see the rest of Frank Niemeir's great photos from camp here.

Somethin' In The Milk Ain't Clean

I don't mean to beat a dead horse. Or even this little horsey. But sum'in ain't right with Jeff Francoeur.

In his last 9 games, his average has dropped a good 10 points. He's hackin' at everything. Even more than usual. When was the last time you saw him take the first 2 pitches? Seriously.

Francoeur was only hitting .222 coming into tonight's game with the Milwaukee Brewers. He is also hitting .226 (19-for-84) with runners in scoring position this season, and has just two hits in 18 at-bats with the bases loaded.

He gets an opportunity to pinch hit (in the rare occasion that he doesn't start) and he finds a way to make an out....very quickly, I might add.

And we won't even TALK about the number of times he's GIDP this month. Sheesh!

You want the big bucks, Frenchy, you gotta prove you're worth it. I know everyone wants to be so soft on him 'cause he's the HomeGrown, but that shit don't cut it with me. It's time to get tough, Little Man.



Bein' the "hometown cutie pie" can only get ya so far...if you want the big contract, if you wanna hang with the big boys, you gotta prove you can (consistently) hit above .260. Or, hell, even .250!

That said, he *did* get fitted for a contact lens today, so hopefully that will help some.

Helen Keller would have a higher BA than he does this season.

Tex!!

Atlanta Braves slugger (term used loosely so far this season) Mark Teixeira broke out in a BIG way at The Ted on Sunday afternoon. Dude went yard 3 times and drove in 4. Woot!

The Braves pummeled the Seattle Mariners 8-3, with the help of Tim Hudson's 4-hit, 7-inning shutout performance. And Brian McCann added his 14th homer of the year in the 4th inning off Carlos Silva (3-8).

Tex came into Sunday's game batting .264 and left batting .271. Not too shabby.

Oh, and he alone banked me 19 fantasy points -- my whole damn *team* only had 45!







And here's cutie-pie congratulating BMc after he drove in the winning run on Saturday. He looks like such a little boy!

Homegirl Said *What*?

What the hell is newly-appointed New York Mets skipper Jerry Manuel talkin' about?! I don't even think *he* knows.



The New York Post reports: "Asked how the struggling (Aaron) Heilman was holding up under constant booing at Shea this year, Manuel said, 'It's very, very fertile ground for growth in Shea Stadium. It's fertile ground for a team's growth and development. Sometimes, fertile ground has fertilizer.' ...'Fertilizer is a good thing,' Manuel said before the Mets' afternoon contest against the (Colorado) Rockies. 'It's a good thing. You get the greatest results — get the most beautiful plants — when you put it in that type of fertile soil. That's what we have the opportunity to do.'

Manuel, who will make his first appearance at Shea Stadium as manager of the Mets Monday against (the) Seattle (Mariners), pleaded with reporters before and after the fertilizer reference not to blow it out of proportion or do 'something crazy with this'."

You are crazy, Jer-Bear! And it gets better, folks.

"Shortstop Jose Reyes was the target of Manuel's first colorful outburst this week. After Reyes threw a helmet-throwing tantrum last Tuesday night in Manuel's debut when Manuel pulled him in the first inning with a tight hamstring, Manuel jokingly threatened to knife Reyes if it happened again.

'I told him the next time he does that, I'm going to get my blade out and cut him right on the field,' Manuel said. 'I'm a gangster.' ... 'She acted up with me, and she had a day off,' Manuel said of Reyes."


(well, she *is* kinda pretty...m'just sayin')

Umm, sounds like pepaw needs some warm Ovaltine and a long nap.

He needs to keep his pie-hole shut and spend more energy tryin' to figure out what he's gonna do with this .500 ballclub. Incidentally, the wacky Manuel is 3-2 since taking over for the disgraced Willie Randolph on June 17.

IMO, it's the Mets front office that's the disgrace, but that's neither here nor there. They didn't consult me before they made the decision to give ol' Willie the heave-ho.

Larry Birkhead Is A Freak

Larry Birkhead, Anna Nicole Smith's baby-daddy, purchased lingerie items previously worn by crackie in Playboy spreads.

The pink bustier and white negligee went for a total of $2,800 at a celebrity auction held at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino on the Las Vegas Strip yesterday.

According to the AP: "Birkhead said he is trying to make sure his 1-year-old daughter, Dannielynn, has something to remember her mother by.

"I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn't really know about," Birkhead told The Associated Press. "Playboy was such a big part of Anna's career."

By history he means lies & fabrications about most aspects of big momma's life.

Um, OK. So if he's lookin' to dig up 'memories' of crackie, why not just show Dannielynn the Playboy pics?? Explain to baby girl that mommy used to take her clothes off and woller around in front of the camera for money.

See, he coulda saved himself almost $3,000 if he'd just done what I suggested...

Weirdo!

Huh?!

We got bitch-slapped by the Mariners tonight.

The Seattle. Fuckin'. Mariners.

The 26-47 Mariners.

Un-fuckin'-believable!


And Campy seemed to be doin' so well in the early innings!




I have no words.


Ugh!!!!

God, I Miss The South

I was born & raised in the south. I *heart* the south.

I miss the south like Prince Fielder misses his tax payments.

I'm here to tell ya, southeners not only have the gift of gab, but they also have a way with words.

My case in point, these ever so eloquent fans discussing Atlanta Braves baseball on the AJC message boards:

"Don’t get me started on Tex. How come no one on this team is taking a cue from Chipper at the plate? These guys are getting the same pitches to hit and they are whiffing on them. Professional baseball players my left butt cheek! They play worse than the whole UGA College Baseball Team!"

"Delighted to see JoJo continue to grow as a major league pitcher and the return of Mike. Sorry to continue to beat a dead horse but Francoeur sucks. Maybe touching himself so often puts him in a lull. Didn’t his folks teach him that a boy doesn’t do that in public?"

"Gonzo is the first Brave I have seen this year with the “Closer Mentality”. EVERY other Brave pitcher’s butthole drawed up if they walked to the mound in a close situation."

A big thank you goes out to these mo fo's for giving me the biggest fuckin' laugh I've had in a long time! Yes, I live a sad, serious life. Don't judge.

'Butthole drawed up"....someone's MeMe needs to wash his mouth out with soap!

They still do that in the south, bitches!

Ain't that right, MeMe?

And to drive home my point even further, let's revisit classics from Julia & Suzanne Sugarbaker:

Pay Yo' Bills!

(most awesomest photo. ever - The Onion)

Seems as though The Petite One, Prince Fielder, owes the tax man some moolah. To the tune of $409,149.14! (Sidebar 1: why 149? Why not just round it up to $409,150? And what the hell is the 14 cents for? What costs $.14 in this day & age of the Big Oil/George W. Bush? 14 pennies don't even cost 14 cents anymore!)

Did he learn nothing from his daddy? Manage. Your. Affairs, people!

Story goes, Prince's "Big Daddy" Cecil was embroiled in an ugly lawsuit filed by Trump Plaza Hotel and Casinos seven or eight years ago. Allegations were that Pops Fielder had lost upwards of $580,000 in 1999 (in 2 days, natch) and failed to pay off his debt in full.

He was consequently sued by TPH&C for $563,359 and lost. (Sidebar 2: again, why 359? Why not round up to 360? Like, what was it that had cost those extra pesky 9 bucks?!)

And something else that always bugs me: Why would you sue someone for money when you know they ain't got it? It's like the ISF (insufficient funds) fees charged by banks & such...why charge an extra $25 for a returned check when you KNOW Mr. ISF ain't got $25?! That's why ho's check bounced to begin with! Dayum!

I digress...

Prince signed a 1-year deal for the 2008 season worth $670,000. Well, there ya go. Have the Milwaukee Brewers make out Prince's paychecks to the IRS and Prince can just eat beans & weenies all year.

Perfect. Problem solved.

If You Care...

According to unnamed "sources" close to the Boston Red Sox, the lover's quarrel in the dugout between Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youkilis on Thursday night was due to this:

"It all happened because Manny complained about Youkilis' habit of throwing bats, helmets and other objects in the dugout when he has a bad at-bat, something that has become a constant practice," the source said.

"Other players have told Youkilis in the past about the situation, which makes him look selfish and that he is more worried about each at-bat than about the team. If Boston is winning easily, there's no reason to throw objects all over the dugout because of a bad at-bat.

"There was a meeting where the team let Youkilis know that many of his teammates were tired of his explosive reactions for each bad plate appearance. It became very bothersome … more so when the team is winning and it's in first place. There's not much room for individualistic attitudes."

So Youk is a whiney baby? That's it? That's why you took a swipe at your teammate, Manny? Seriously? Whatever.

I'm sayin', if Youk wants to throw bats, throw bases or throw babies, he should be able to do that without anybody else buttin' in. Well, maybe not that throwin' babies thing, but you get the picture...

For Gawd's sake, Manny goes through the left-field wall at Fenway Park and uses the bathroom between innings. He high-5s the outfield fans at visiting ballparks. He skips team meetings. He demands to be traded. He threatens to hold out on his contract negotiations. He falls alseep on the job. He's basically the biggest "IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!" whore on that whole damn club, and he's got the balls to yell at Youkilis for bein' "individualistic" by throwin' helmets?

Laughable.

Why am I still writin' about this twat?

Manny-Youkilis Squabble

What is goin' *on* with these ladies!?!?

The Boston Red Sox are duking it out with the Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays. They're duking it out with each other. Hell, even the Sox announcers are throwin' 'bows!

Can't we all get along?



The full story of what brought about the fisticuffs between Manny Ramirez and Kevin Youkilis has yet to be aired, but these girls all need to learn to keep their damn hands to themselves.

So is this latest scuffle "Manny Being Manny" or is he just bein' a bitch?

Just Kids Havin' Fun

Cougars 4 Cook

Ok, so I didn't vote for David "Hot Lips" Cook 473 times after last Tuesday's American Idol finale -- in fact, I never voted once this year...for anybody -- and I'm not a 40-something suburban soccer-mom, but it's obvious now that Fly Honey's fan base wasn't of the 15-year-old female persuasion.



"Cougars 4 Cook" had my future ex-husband's voting line on speed-dial, propelling him to victory by 12+ million votes over David "Zygote" Archuleta.


The AP writes: "Maybe it's his edgy-yet-mainstream appeal, sly grin, sparkling hazel eyes, facial scruff, love for crossword puzzles, love for his mom and brothers. Or perhaps it's the way he broke down in tears after his final performance..."


See, I'm not the only wrinkled old bag who's hot for his jock and his crossword puzzles.


He's just got that...thang about him. Ya know, that thang!


But it kinda makes me wonder, where were all the Cougars when Chris Daughtry got the boot a few years ago? Wasn't he supposed to be, like, *the* hottest? Don't get me wrong, Daughtry's done pretty damn well for himself since Idol, but I was kinda surprised that he didn't go further in the competition.


Oh well. I guess the Cougars just know what they like. And they luuurve Hot Lips.


Sigh.......Idol's over. Survivor's over. Grey's Anatomy's over. Brothers & Sisters is over.


If it weren't for baseball season to get me through the next four months, I would need therapy. Television therapy.


Side note: As of Memorial Day 2008, the Atlanta Braves are 27-23 & 2.5 games out of 1st.

David Cook Is Sensitive

Ya Just Can't Make This Up

Some crazy 15-year-old boy in Georgia was charged with four counts of sexual battery for biting or grabbing the buttocks of at least 10 women at the Lovejoy Wal-Mart, and more charges are expected.

"(Police Capt. Greg) Dickens said complaints of rear-end assaults at the store began in August and continued throughout May."

He was recognized & confronted by an ass-bitin' victim who saw him walkin' with relatives.

Could you *imagine*?!?!?!

"Uh, yea, I was tryin' me on some White Stag slacks o'vr'der in the big girl's section and yo' nephew her' jumped out 'da rack & bit my ass! Dayum!"

I'm pretty sure it was one'a these twats below. They look like the ample-butt-bitin' types. Shit, they'll give *anybody* a camera phone these days.




Although these pre-pubescent tools are questionable...I'm thinkin' they shoulda been in the men's Wrangler department. Pre-Brett Favre Wranglers, that is.

His ass is MINE!



I am offended! I have a big, juicy ass AND I was born in a Wal-Mart. I think somebody needs to change The Constitution or somethin'! My Rights have been violated in some way, shape or form....I'm just sure of it!

I'm gonna sue some teenage douche! SUE! SUE! I'M SUIN'!!!!

C'Mon Hot Lips!

I feel like dog barf. Probably look like it, too. Seriously.

You know it's bad when I don't feel like bloggin'...I always got shit to say.

I don't even feel like talkin' about my future-ex-husband, David "Hot Lips" Cook, possibly losing on the American Idol finale tonight.



You know David "Zygote" Archuleta's gonna take the crown. But that's fine with me...it's almost better if you *don't* win that shit. The runners-up seem to have more success than the winners.

And like I've said, I'll be the warm vagina, I mean, um, *shoulder*, that Hot Lips can cry on when the ballons & confetti come rainin' down on Zygote's head instead of his own.