Please Step Away From the Taser

GD, what the hell is goin' on with the PO-leece in this country?!

These mo-fo's'll taser anybody. Anywhere. Any time.

They don't give an eff if you're a pregnant woman or some loud-mouthed dude at a John Kerry(?!) speech. They will Zap. Yo. Ass.

No joke.



This poor woman in Ohio showed up at a PO-leece station with her 1-year-old son in hopes of handing him over to authorities because she allegedly couldn't care for him. Some shit went down, she tried to leave and the boys in blue threw her to the ground and tasered her in the neck.

Allegedly. (Although video shows all the dramz goin' down. It's hard to argue when yo' ass is on tape, Mister Officer!)



And I think we ALL know what happened to poor Andrew here.

Even if he is (allegedly) an actor...you gonna tase some THESPIANS, Mr. Officer?! Weak.

And this plane made a "belly landing" in New Jersey today after what they're callin' an "unsafe gear indication." Riiiiiiiight. Some damn PoPos busted into the cockpit & zapped the pilots!

Don't lie!

Shit, folks are outta control these days!

Dayum, I hope I don't find myself on the right wrong side of the law bein' good misbehavin'!

What exactly AM I allowed to do without gettin' electrocuted? Y'all're no fun.

That Didn't Take Long...

University of Arkansas head coach Houston Nutt resigned yesterday.

Dayum, he didn't even have time to make friends in the unemployment line!

Homegirl said "KONICHIWA, BITCHES!" all the way to the bank.

Today it was announced that he's signed on to coach Ole Miss beginning next season.


(Mississippi alums say "oy!")

It'll be interesting to see what the fans have to say (or do) the next time he rolls into Fayetteville. I can hear the Nutt jokes already.....

Nutt's Out

Let me start off by sayin' GO HOGS!! Way to stick it to the #1 team in the country on Friday! Triple OT, Baby!!

Just three days after one of the biggest upsets in the SEC this season (check that, THE biggest upset in the SEC this season), head coach Houston Nutt resigned Monday, turning down a $2.4 million dollar annual salary to remain with the team.

His dumb ass won't even coach his team in the bowl game (yet to be determined). DC Reggie Herring will lead the Hogs in that contest. I hope they put a beat-down on some fools to really rub it in Nutt's face!

What I don't get is this pussy-ass reason for not returning: "Nutt believed the university community wouldn't unite as long as he was the coach," a source told ESPN.com.

WTF?! Unity?!

We don't want some effin' Kumbaya shit. We want a coach who'll take us to some bowl games in future Januarys! We want a coach who'll put down the cell phone and pick up a damn playbook!

For those who don't know, some shit went down in the beginning of 2007, which found Nutt in the middle of a few scandals:

• He text messages like Britney driving at night wearin' sunglasses
• Former QB Mitch Mustain was probably the whiny blabber-mouth who called Nutt out on the "texting affair" because he was pissed over a scathing email he received from some crazy bitch
• He was chasin' open coaching jobs at Miami and North Carolina State (see "Ref of the Year" Ron Cherry post below) while he was still head coach of the Razorbacks...big no-no, Nutt

He just couldn't take the heat so he had to GET OUT Momma's kitchen. Whatever the case for his leavin', I'm gonna miss homegirl.

I don't care if he was (allegedly) pokin' some slutty newsanchor on his down time. I don't care if he was (allegedly) burnin' up a university-issued cell phone with those Fastest Fingers. Why should I care if he was (allegedly) lookin' to better his career at NCState(?!).

I'm gonna miss seein' his crazy crack-head ass fast-walkin' up & down the sidelines at Razorback Stadium.



Yep, it's settled -- I'm definitely gonna miss this sexy beast, no doubt about it:

Givin' Him the Business!

Referee Ron Cherry let everybody know what'll cost ya 15 yards at the Maryland/North Carolina State game on Nov. 24.

I think it should be standard that all football refs make calls like this dude. Just tell it like it is, honey!

None of this "unsportsmanlike conduct" shit. I wanna hear "15 yards. Bitch-slappin' the passer."

I don't wanna hear "off sides" ever again. From now on it's "5 yards. Premature ejaculation." OK, well, maybe not that one, but you get the idea.



Those ACC boys better watch their asses. Homegirl ain't havin' it!

And that's why I'm stayin' in the SEC.

HE'S 2007's Sexiest Man Alive?!?!

So, there I was, gettin' my beauty on at the hair salon today and I see People's Sexiest Man Alive issue layin' around. I couldn't get past the "winner" on the cover so I never even opened it up. Who the hell votes on this shit?

Matt Damon used to be sexy back in the day -- like back in the Bourne Identity days. But now he's just lookin' like a used up condom. I think his wifey's sucked the hot out of him.



Hell, Robin Roberts is a Sexier Man Alive than MD! I kid! I love Robin.

Anyhoo, a quick Google search revealed the long list of almost-winners and I coulda picked about 200 hotter men than Matt Damon!

For starters, Brad Pitt. That man tops *every* list as far as I'm concerned. I mean, just LOOK at him. I've never seen a man so lovely.



And there were a million people on that list that I'd never even heard of. I guess I'm too busy watchin' I Love New York and Little People Big World to know who the hell Seth Gabel and Penn Badgley are.

I don't know if any of these yayhoos are even on the People list, but I don't give a damn. This is my chance to post about hot boys.

My votes woulda been for Dave Annable (hell, that hot bitch in the pic with him is sexier than Matt Damon):



David Beckham:



Taye Diggs' Brown Sugar Ass:



Tim Daly (oh how I miss Wings!):



Shemar Moore:



Prince Harry and his Ginger locks:



Tim Gunn (Make it Work!):



Justin Chambers:



Ryan Reynolds (I'll even forget that he's Canadian for a minute). And I mean the HOT version of Ryan Reynolds, not the skinny Al Borland from Home Improvement version:



Adam Levine (I don't care if he *is* a tool):



Peter Krause (I miss Nate Fisher!):



Josh Duhamel (I'll even forgive him for pokin' Fuggy Fug all these years). I mean, look at that hot piece! DAYUM!:



Shit, I'd even take Joel McHale over Matt Damon:



And on a side note, why the hell is Justin Timberlake makin' any Sexiest lists? He aint' NO kind of sexy. He looks like a poor man's Robin Thicke in a bad holiday velvet ascot. TRUST!



C'MON People magazine! You better bring the *real* hotness next year!

Yea, in case you can't tell, I'm not too thrilled with People's winner this year, but in reality, I really don't give two shits.

Oh, and speakin' of Little People Big World, why the hell wasn't Jeremy Roloff on that list?! He's 19 now, he's legal!

So THAT'S What Dude Says.....

I always thought he was singin' about soda...

Love the parody by this cute boy:



"Aluminum cans, OHHHHHH!"

I Can't Quit You

Oh, Britney.

Britney, Britney, Britney.

You've been such a dirty mess the last few days, where do I start with you?

Let's start with this crazy slop you call hair. Will you please stop kiddin' yourself, thinkin' you look good. You look like a shit shake and you know it. You can't fool us.


And those lips, those boots.



As much as I (sometimes) get a big ol' kick outta seein' your name in the headlines, and I'm always entertained with the notion of what you'll do next, here's what pisses me off, you dumb slut (cuz you're totally readin' this, waitin' for me to personally address your behavior and mothering skills so you can jumpstart your road to recovery...):

You leave your kids in the car while you shop for effin' chandeliers(!?), you fail court-appointed drug tests (it's not like the fuckers sneaked up on yo' ass!), you run red lights with your babies in the car, you're out bar-hoppin' every effin' night, your music SUCKS (like, really, really, really fuckin' sucks! No link, just my personal opinion -- and I'm sure the opinion of millions...) and, finally, I think I can smell your stank from here.



Look at you. You're a GD wreck!

And I'm startin' to think you're payin' these poor inbred people to stand on your Hollywood Walk of Fame star holdin' these signs.

Crazy Man Love

I don't know what's goin' on here, but I was told it's Jamie Foxx & Rascal Flatts at the Country Music Awards November 7 performing a "duet". Is *that* what they call it.......

I didn't watch this shit but I can tell you I was pissed that it forced two of my fave shows, Pushing Daisies & Private Practice, into hiatus for the week. Damn you, country people!

I came across this photo and thought it was hilarious. So many different stories could be told by looking at these two faces. Gary LeVox (the dude that's not Jamie Foxx) looks like he might be pushing out a doodie, I'm not sure.

And just the fact that Wanda Wayne is singin' on a country music show...

Damn, I miss me some In Living Color! Bring it back, Keenen Ivory Wayans! Bring that shit BACK!

GD, I SUCK...

...big time. Here I thought I was gonna dominate most of the season, with the exception of the Tom Brady-, Peyton Manning-, Brett Favre-, LaDainian Tomlinson-havers. Here I sat with Chad Johnson, Shaun Alexander, Eli Manning (yea, OK, so he's no big brother, but shit! It was the best I could do in the 7th round....NOBODY takes QBs in the first 6 rounds, dammit!) and DeAngelo "Brown Sugar" Williams.

I barely recognize my team now. It's been decimated by injury, bye weeks and complete suck-assedness. Who'd'a thought that my two franchise players, Johnson & Alexander, would be averagin' 11.6 and 7.5 yards/game, respectively? What the fuck!?

So Alexander's 30-years-old? Big damn deal! Emmitt Smith's old, Dancin' with the Stars ass retired at 35 and was still killin' it! Shit, he had 9 touchdowns that year (2004)! SA's only got 2 TDs all 2007 season........in weeks 1 & 2. It's now week 10. DAYUM!

This was what my team looked like at the end of Monday, Oct. 29, 2007:

• Eli "I'm Not My Brother" Manning - 10 points (fuckin' Wembley Stadium and your spotted dick...whatever the hell that is. Who the hell's idea was it to play in London anyway?!)
• DeAngelo "Brown Sugar" Williams - 4 points
• Reuben "Studdard" Droughns - 3 points
• Chad "I Should Be Better on Paper" Johnson - 5 points (fuckin' TJ Who'sYa'Momma)
• Dennis "Who?" Northcutt - 1 point
• Donald Driver..........................................................................................I can't even go on, it's too depressing

I'm goin' to watch QVC.